That frustrating moment

That frustrating moment watching Miss Universe / Miss World thinking how could these ladies are so darn beautifully with perfect body, charisma, intellectual and almost goddess like.

Someone like you

I think I have made a few mistakes in my life that I don't think I want to apologize for that mistakes because I'm not hundred percent at fault. If u know me and get along with me for so long, I am so going to be really honest and mean in a way that I know it hurts the feeling but I couldn't help it cuz I know that I need to speak my mind, literally. Sigh. Living with guilt now but then somehow I feel good about it cuz I am no longer under control of anyone. In a way, I have learnt to be a master of my own self. I do not have to live my life according to plan or anything. It's freedom.

For the past few months, I've learnt of a way to broaden my point of views and perspective of life. I do not dwell on any grumps or failure or bad outcomes for too long a time that it eats me up inside. Instead, I've learnt to forgive, forget and to do more to be a better man.

Some say that it's a pathetic to live on without a purpose of life. True. Until today, I still don't know what is my purpose of life. I just know that I need to complete my studies (never mind that if I do not excel because sometimes things are just not meant for me. It's like how you have a strong attractive feeling for someone but he is not your destined soulmate. So, no matter how things move on, if it's not urs, it will never be yours. Hmmmm. Things like that if you know what I mean.)

So, I stumbled across a blog site that I am truly amazed and impressed with the writer's writing skill. I could really read all his posts if most of them werent on too much details and emphasize on his religion, his belief. I mean I respect all those but it didn't keep me long as I have to skip over to next entry. I wish that I am knowledgable and wise like him too. From his writing n all, I know That he reads a lot and I feel inferior and sorry for myself that I didn't get the opportunity or rather acknowledge the importance and value of reading, writing and knowledge when I was in secondary school. Besides, i wish that in the family we could converse in English to improve on my speaking skills so that I don't have to startled over words. We should have implied that once my little sister is born. Can't believe that after all these years, I am still the old lazy, slacking, low spirited, shallow and no self esteem whatsoever "sedentary" me. It's a purposeless, idle life. Now, everything is a little too late because of the academic needs and the need to stay focus and still and persevere on What I am pursuing now instead of sprouting regrets towards the millions what-ifs and wondering on the roads not taken.

It always come across me, I think most of the people too. I always see how some lecturers cockily introduced their educational backgrounds, having the privileges to study overseas with double degrees or PhD and so on. I do respect and admire them of course because it's no easy to have that opportunity and they must have been among the best. What keep me thinking was that what if I choose on the not-so-critical course as that would really change my life because I am pretty sure that I can secure a seat. Killing two birds with one stone. Well, maybe three. Get a overseas, recognized coveted degree, getting to travel around abroad and lastly make a few foreigner friends. Who knows that love might blossoms. Love that transcend culture, time and beauty.

Speaking of that, I kind of have a thing for a dude who is knowledgable, who reads a lot(not necessary a bookworm or a geek), someone's is is casually smart, humorous and better, good at photography, writing and speaking. Ha-ha. Adding on the list would just make him a fictional construct. Well, I think I can live forever with someone like that. Romantic inside, a little introvert and always full with ideas and creativity.

i hate you

how do you define best friend?

frankly, i used to think so and so are one of my best friends but the word best doesnt really justify it. i suppose i could only use close or good friend. because best friends are suppose to be able to communicate transcend the time and both are willing to share everything, keeping no secret, trusting each others, just holding on faith. guess i am still not able to do that because my egoism is taking over a very big part of me. am still having troubles trusting people fully. even with my mum, i never really tell her everything that she demands she want to know. what was i thinking, feeling and experiencing. she asked me to tell her just everything because she is the closest ever. true. but mum, i was born this way. i was born introvert. not that i dont trust you but i am so used to keeping everything to myself (and you did see what happen when everything has gone beyond maximum point and the maximum tension. i burst. like a ferocious volcano).

once saw on Oprah an obese girl who used to be bullied and making fun of in the school confessing on television to her mum, with tears streaming down her face, howling. telling her mum: I hate you. I hate you because you are my only best friend. My heart cried for her. (supposedly it was a psychology thing that the counsellor guided the problematic teengaers to express their feeling that way...starting the sentence with 'i hate you'. yes mum. "I hate you cuz you love me so much and you have so much faith in me that i am scared that i will only let you down".

well. though i dont really have best friend, i do have a variety of close friends. They are so different in every way. i found a piece of me in each of them. they truly makes my life better and i knw that i can always go to them to talk about those little things that get me excited and make me happy after a tiring day or week. they never fail to make me smile and move on. though none really know how miserable i was feeling inside, i am just comfortable that way. still finding courage to surpass my stubborn self and learn to open up. and i am grateful that once a while, they shared their problems with me. =)

and last confession, i am truly sorry for some that didnt make it that far. i dont like to make any emotional attachment to any or get way too close because once i set the diameter shorter, i feel like people actually start to take control over me. feel like i am being used. always the one to make sacrifice and all. always the one with the softest voice. always the one not given chance to make decision n speak up. i despise that. and i wont tell you that straight into your face. i dont want o hurt your feeling bt i guess starting with ignorance and indifference hurt more. i dont care. i have no choice. see, i am mean this way.

odd number is hard. it always have to be in even or pairs. because someone will always left out. i dont want to be the one 'chosen' because i am more comfortable alone. i dont really mind being alone. moreover, i care about the left out one. read it like an open book. guess i am 'kind' this way for compromising n tolerating eh?

That awesome moment

that awesome moment when you came up with an unexpected Plan B just in time when your Plan A is ruined (i did curse a little cause i spent so much time preparing it) and managed to deliver a satisfying presentation.

i wasnt smitten with Chris Rene but i am overwhelmingly supporting him sincerely from the bottom of my heart because i think he deserves it and he got the x factor (wasnt the best singer around but thats not a problem i reckon). Please do an original song next week because thats how you tug the fans and audiences at heart. we get connected when its original and genuine.

#life's too short gotta live it long :)

That awkward moment 2

That awkward moment when you barged into the toilet seeing your friend with the pants pulled down sitting on the toilet bowl.

Y you left the door open. Okay. I see nothing, it was too early in the morning and my eyes were still half closed and I was blur. Period.

Chow kit road

A couple of days ago, my friends and I were walking thru chow kit road on our way heading to have lunch at a famous Panmee restaurant nearby. I saw a lot of unfortunate people lying, sitting and squatting on the walkway, the beggars, begging for money. Not that I want to brag about myself but a piece of me want to reach out to my wallet and give away the few ringgit that I've saved. Nonetheless, the upbringing and the culture as well as the early life of mine doesn't include such noble, generous acts. Of course it was in the Morale textbook teaching us so and so but did anyone really adhere and abide to all those teachings? Odd. It was mixed with a feeling of shyness because I don't want people to think like oh wow...that's so kind of you? Giving you that skeptical stares as if doing good is a sin. Well, you get what I mean. Once, I was having lunch with friends at a food stall after school and giving away rm1 wihtout much hesitation to an old woman nearby who carries a mug in her hand, coming over to our table and asking for donation. my friends reaction were really pissing me off. I guess that's one of the reason why I never want to have any close attachment to anyone here. They even questioned me on why I did I do so. WTF?! You guys don't even remember where you placed your wallet and looked deeply into your noodles as if there's hidden gold inside the deep bottom of it and after she left, start questioning my action? Great. Wouldn't mind spending on branded items, whatsoever dresses and heels but not even a penny to an old woman. Do you even think she want to beg for life if she isn't desperate enough?

However, I kind regret for not giving away while I can on that chow kit road. What was I even worried and shy about?

Last time, when Mum was in town, we went to visit a Chinese Temple near Petaling Street. My hairs started to stand the moment we stepped our foot inside. And when I saw my mum fervently doing all the ritual of offering and praying, my heart sank. I felt like somehow I feel connected to Buddha, probably because all those miserable things that have fallen upon me recently. Seeing my mum, just kennel down and start bowing, I know that she was a genuine and honest person inside. The most truest and amazing person I have ever known and love beyond imagination. On our way home, what touched my heart more was that we bumped into this uncle who worked as a sweeper in the temple but unfortunately he had difficulty in walking probably due to arthritis. Again, seeing him made my heart ached. Why are there sufferings in this world? So mum asked my sister to hand him a 10 ringgit note. It wasn't much but mum said he doesnt have to worry about his meals, at least for one day. God. Tears were welling up in my eyes already and I had to swallowed the lump that formed in my throat.

One lesson I learnt is that since I am born in a well Moderate family, I should be grateful and I will help those who are n need if I am capable of doing so. I wish that I can turn like really really wealthy one day so that I can do more.

While I heard people complaining about their parents not giving enough or nt loving enough, I would normally just keep quiet. In fact, I keep quiet all the time. I am thankful and grateful to my parents for everything that they've done for me and given, whether it's just purely materialistic fulfillment or their undying love n care for me. I couldnt ask for better parents. :) e only thing I am worried about is not able to live up to their expectation and not able to love them back and do more than what they've sacrificedforme.

that awkward moment

that awkward moment when you're having clinical skill learning lecture on male catheterization and pictures showing complications of it with swollen and peculiarly hideous looking penis with your boy friends sitting on your left and right, front and back.

Almost sober

I was on the 13th floor(I stay on a17th floor apartment though), standing straight, two upper limbs resting on the balcony wall and looked down for 10 seconds, picturing what's it like to jump from there. I saw the reflection of buildings in the pool below. It was so quiet. Although its a huge condominium with at least 200 units around, I couldn't hear any voice or see any shadows of people.

I took my time to take in the moment, trying to rest my congested and tired mind. Taking deep breathe in and out. Realize that it actually wasn't that hard to take some quality time to ease myself after a long day of work. And realize that there's more to life. I shouldn't keep myself lock in the solitude of my room too much thinking nonsense and bring in the negative energy in me.

I did take a long time to grieve and to accept the way inverse works in which you could never be on top or in comfortable spot all the time. I just learn on how to deal with loss, failure and devastation. Sure, it wasn't an easy one. I was emotionally touched and I did cry a little watching Racheal Crow in X factor who had just been voted out. I know how she feels like. Things happen too sudden. She just collapsed on the floor after the announcement. I know how it feels like. Just want to reach out for her telling everything will be fine because I too have been there before and now I am still living my life, gratefully.

I just wish that the ne year will bring more joy and luck for me. And I really need to learn to let go.

God in this moment

If you are waiting in the long line under the scorching hot sun for a warranted once in a lifetime experience to have your one wish granted by the Almighty, do you still wait for it since you've endure so much of miserable turmoils and miseries along the way? You know exactly what the outcomes would be, a successful one, though not exactly like the smooth and happy way you want it to be but you know you're going to nail it anyway, it's just that your path is not as easy and light as the other lucky one who are on the same line. Do you still look ahead for it? you know. just to have that special moment to take in everything and be proud of who you are. Never mind the running dry tears, never mind the backstabbing, never mind the cheating, never mind the sharp words that subtly kill you inside because you're such a sensitive person.

Since you are already have that nod of guaranteed passport to that new world, you just have to climb a few more mountains, swim across a few more ocean, walked across a few more miles of hot burning stony path that hurt your foot so much, dragged yourself across the smelly, soaky swamp areas with fatal predators inside, before you eventually see the new word you're going to live in soon. And suddenly, there's this Good Samaritan, (or He could be a devil), that offer you a one way ride to a parallel world that you've missed, the one you have been thinking about if you didn't queue in the line with other dreamers and fighters for you that one wish to be granted with a few dreading conditions to be fulfilled. Should i go on the ride?

sometimes, before i go to sleep. i always think about all those absurd, magical things that i wish could happen to me. =( the reality is just a boring, tiring world with no creativity whatsoever. not my preferable hues of color to be in.

Crossing

How to be brave? How to face the day, tomorrow. Trying so hard to make you understand but now I realize that you would never understand because nobody can. You are not in my position. It's like how absurd it is for a perfectly healthy fit doctor to tell a just amputated patient how he/she understand what it's like to lost a limb. It's a lie. A bullshit because he never really lost a limb before. Therefore, I will stop asking you to understand. Acknowledgment is more than enough. I am already sick and feeling bad for burdening you guys with my emotional breakdowns. Little did I know that you have sacrifice a lot and make a lot of efforts to make me better again after the chaos.

Where do is go? Living the rest of my life like a living puppet? I am too coward to admit my weakness and limitations.

no. I do admit it but I wonder why it is always you that seem to have unceasing faith on me.
I dont even know when did i start to have so much of courage and bravery to hold on since the last time I blog.there must be something that keeps me holding on till today and I am starting to accept thing the way it is and to move on and strive for survival again. I have so many people to thank especially my parents and this friend that I had talked to the other day. I am very grateful and thankful to her because I think that i start to feel a whole lot better after the chat. I hope that she will continue to move on too and may God bless her.

self destruction

self-destruction is the answer! i really need to find a few proper ways to destruct myself. however, never does weed, drugs and alcohol come across my mind. i mean it does but never take it for serious.

i guess the filial, wise and rational part of me is still living inside that has been keeping me sane and self-loving.

i am really scared that the stubborn me will manage to persuade me to make the move that will surely change my life forever. i know that when i want something, so damn much, i will somehow find my way to get it. and i am really really terrified that i will make me end my own misery and at the same time i guess i will disappoint a lot of people and they are going to be like....oh no....u are not trying too hard and ur best yet, u shouldnt give up now, everyone has gone thru it and yada yada yada. has anyone even really get in my shoes before? do they know how awkward and depressing it is to be in the wrong shoes, the wrong size, wrong color, wrong style. has anyone even notice the awkward gait that i'm having or how hard i try to hide my awkwardness? and most importantly, anyone ever notice how my feet have gone distorted all these while, reminding me of the China's lotus foot? it's a form of exploitation. it's a form of abuse. it's agony. it's painful. it's just devastating.

another wasted day spending doing nothing. spending doing nonsense. spending thinking of how to destruct myself. thinking of gaining pity and attention from them. please. i know they have sacrifice a lot and they are probably more upset than i already am. i hope than i will not develop any trace of annoyance or anger towards them because they have been my number one supporter all these while. and it keeps me thinking whether the dream is mine or theirs? am i creating my own life, creating my own future, my own self or am i living their dream?

those are again just excuses i make for myself. those are just lies i lied to make myself feel i wasnt the one at fault.

and i am still indulge in my own wonderland. my escapism. i cant talk about the truth. i dont even dare to open up. i havent ready for it yet and there comes random people trying to intervene and intertwine in between.

when you try your best but you dont succeed.

when you get what you want but not what you need.

when you feel so tired but you cant sleep.

stuck in reverse.

and the tears come streaming down your face.

when you lose something you cant replace.

when you love someone but it goes to waste.

could it be worst.

lights will guide you home.

and ignite your bones.

and I will try to fix you.

and high up above or down below.

when you're too in love to let it go.

but if you never try you'll never know.

just what you're worth.

i am so lazy today

bravo. first day of semester 4 and i skipped the classes in the morning. i am just too tired as i just reached KL this morning by train and i figured i might as well just skip the day.

spend my day in the room on my bed streaming x factor on utube and just listen and watch how those talented people give me goosebumps and inspiration.

i just love how i "idle" my life today. i did nothing productive and all i was doing were wasting time. i want to really feel like and be a dawdler, a useless and worthless being.

it wasnt really hard as i thought it would be meeting people. so let's just put everything behind first eh? i wish my mum's here next week so that i have a reasonable reason to not attend the junior welcoming night. i want o seclude myself from everyone and everything. i think i just take my depression problem to the next level.

all right. i am off to bed. wish i really never wake up. oh World War 3, Judgement Day, Armageddon or whatever it is, r u happening tomorrow?

faking

now i feel like im back to my primary school again. i can still recall when i was in standard 3, i dont know what had happened to me as i dreaded to go to school. there was once i had my father walked me to class and carry my bag and all just to get his attention. i think i even fake my chest pain. i dont know if it was real back then.

i dont feel like going back to my student life! but the difference now is i am very well aware of the reason why i dread it so much. the difference is my father wouldnt be there anymore to take care of me.

there are so many things running in my mind. i have been googling nonsense stuffs and options. i am really depressed now. nobody can help me. God help hose who help themselves?! yeah right. i dont think i can even help myself out from the mess.

dont always tell me to go on, move on with my life. i have to take some time to analyze and think over about the decision and step to put forward. and i am so regret over the passed few years for the biggest and arrogant move i had made which turns out to be a misery and definitely a huge mistake ever. dont ask me to put myself 20 years forward because i just know this aint my calling anymore. shrug. i really dont feel like giving a damn anymore.

welcome to my life

all my life has been gooooood but now i'm thinking what the hell. this is when i hate the fact how my sixth sense becomes tangible. i just know it when thing likes that would happen and i dont know how to face the world with it. it feels good to talk, to just spit everything out. it's true that people just need the acceptance, listening ears to listen. and follows by silence. it comes and goes though, like a ferocious roller coster ride. worst, to realise that you have all been on your own all the ride. nobody to share the excitement and the frightening experience. you can just vaguely hear people shouting from below on how it's going to end soon but they never really know how it really feels, inside. wrecked u up, parasite sipping up the nutrient and invincible vampires sucking up the blood.

damn. when life gives you lemon, you can either make lemonade out of it or put out a sour face. why life is giving me lemon anyway?! i have heard enough of the courageous words, the advices, the endless motivation and in fact i'm giving and passing it to those who needs it too. although deep down my heart, i know that those are all just lies. a lie that's covered by another and i live in a lie. a horrendous lie. i dont want to know the truth and force to accept it with the possible big heart i could ever offer. you fall down and you get up again. you complete the race. doesnt matter who comes first, second or third. what if you're asthmatic? do you still put your life at risk knowing you're in grave danger cause nobody's going to offer medical helps along the run?

i stared at the wall, the ceiling, the space and pictured myself in the best mask i could ever put on possible. i dragged on the day, wondering if the end is near. it's like watching a good movie or a good drama and you wish it never ends that it will go on forever. that way, you dont have to turn off the tv and proceed with other activity. it's like praying for tomorrow never comes for you have been spending the best day of your life ever and know tomorrow will never be the same again. worse, it could be you're having the most disastrous day ever and could not summon the courage to welcome tomorrow. i just slack on and wish that i was living in a dream or a fairy tale, waiting for my life's story to be ended ASAP. i just wish i fall into a deep slumber and never wakes up again. that way, i wouldnt even exist and i dont have to turn on my masochistic genes, hurting my mind mentally. that way, i could dwell in my own escapism without having to face the cruel and heartbreaking reality.

now, i fully understand the lonesomeness that Anna and Vicki have been experiencing. they were ghosts and were surprisingly brought back to vampire diaries. i think it's normal that like other soap operas, they'll come up with new plot and story line just to keep the show on and anticipated. they have been feeling indescribable lonesome and solitude in the other side of the world cause they cant find peace or sort. i just feel the same. after all these struggles, i know that i am all alone all these while. no matter how much i try to make myself sounds right because of my egoism, no matter how hard i try to make them resort to end my suffering, no matter how vigilant i have been, shits still happen just because i deserved it. things happen for a reason. okay. i get it. just tell me the real reason. dont just tell me the good things to make things better or make me feel better. i can make up poker face and you dont even want to know how miserable and depressing it is inside. and i am really really sorry for all that have happens. we could not change it. i hope my mischievous and stubborn self do not get the better off me just to save my pride from the mess that i have created.

maybe my faith isn't strong enough and i have my doubts. somehow, i just want to put a stop to all the supernatural, beliefs and traditionally cultures thing because a part of me know that it isn't just about that. true that those things seem to make the elders and self more prepared spiritually and mentally but did anyone even try to see the clearer and big picture before? hello?! i am a dead walking body here. anyone try to dig down inside me, to make a postmortem on me? maybe there's a chance of resurrection. well God, i just hope You keep me faithful and tenacious enough to hold on. not blaming anyone cause i know fault is on me, solely. i am just frustrated and exasperated and pissed and upset with myself. and i hope that i wouldnt betray myself in the near future.

i am pretty sure i am going to visit here more frequent. try many escapism. sleeping is the best i would say when you mind is just shut off, you wouldnt have to care a word.

the best of me

http://figment.com/books/146978-The-Best-of-Me

here's an excerpt for my favorite author ever, Nicholas Sparks's latest masterpiece, The Best of Me. i cant wait to get myself a full copy from the shelf!

it's been one hectic week for everyone. will try come blogging some other day because i really need a good rest now. duh.

.......

after an outing with friends to the mall, i stopped by the bookstore and get myself one of it from the shelf! they are so pretty.

and here's my very own copy of The Best of Me. cant wait for the paperback so i get myself the hardcover. =)

hope that i can have some self-control on myself before the last paper next tuesday. though, fliiping a few chaptes wont bring harm no?

under pressure

just when i thought everything has been running smooth and things has gone from okay to great, suddenly, i fall down on the track, feeling sorry for myself and disappointed again although i thought that i've turned numb and mute towards the outcome still, it evolves into an invisible stone that i found myself accidentally tripped on.

anyway. one good news today is that Mum is finally officially coming to town. however this is of a wrong timing. i want her here to listen to my whining but at the same time, i will feel sorry for not spending enough time with her here. anyway. her main purpose here is of course not because of me. i am just glad that she's coming over. i start to have bad feeling. OMG. the pressure is so high as if the world is going to collapse on me soon and the sky's falling down. Gasp. safe me. is this going to be the end of my suffering anyway? what a high price to pay for it. if i am destined to take a step backward, it would still be a blessing in some way. sometimes, i really dont understand what i have been fighting for. why oh why it does bear any promising outcomes.

so. God, besides thanking You and questioning You at the same time, i would love to thank blogspot too for letting me to spill my hidden feeling out, here. just noticed that i've been blogging for two days straight. i just have a lot of unanswered thoughts lately. and i am feeling pretty sad.

dearie God

Dear God,

i know that i didn't worship You in any significant way for a very long time and today, i sincerely, genuinely wish to Thank You for all the blessing and good returns that You have showered upon me and my family members. You know, i once saw that people said they often blame God for every misfortunes that fall upon them but never be thankful or appreciate for all the goods that they're indulging in but i am the total opposite.

i am really really thankful that Momma's sickness is healed and she need not to suffer anymore. of course i would have to thank the doctor for his genius diagnosis or else we'll never find a cure for it. anyway, the bad side of it is that it makes me feel even useless, helpless and hopeless than before. damn. i don't even know what i was doing all these years and semester. taking in everything and spilling out everything. what i like is that i was given the opportunity to meet and listen to the people around me and somehow i did get some encourage. i hope that i will turn better. medicine is about practicing and experiencing aint it? i might as well end up not practicing anyway.

God, please, i hope You can blessed all the people that i love and dear to me to get stronger, tougher and lavish their lives with happiness and blessing. God, You know what, although i am still exasperated thinking about those precious and valuable things that You've taken away from me, and till today, of course i am still blaming myself incessantly thinking about all the possible happier self i could be, i have actually learnt to cope with it and move on. i hope that You can make all my loved ones wiser and sensible after those turmoil that seem inevitable, just like how You make me a better man. and if you didn't make it happen, probably i wouldnt become who i am today!

there're a lot of things that i wish to hear it myself and acknowledge but know all i could do is blind guessing and holding on to the faith i have in You. Promise me that you will make everything better and when i look back, say 10 years time, i will eventually love You more than i already am. so much more to do as a mean to Thank Your Mightiness. =)

my definition of God is an omnipotent presence that you can't explain by plain words or evidence. it's felt by heart, touch the soul and heal the world. God has so much potent and plays variety of roles in my life. i find strength, hope and it's a place where i can reflect for all the wrongs i did. okay. this is my shout out to You, I LOVE YOU, unconditionally!
  

it will pass

the first line is sometimes the hardest just like how people said the first step is always the hardest to take. like now, i kept on erasing on how i would like to start this. sometimes when i look back my previous entries, i stumbled across issues that hid certain meaning. i try to make it subtle and when i look back, i cant even recall.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RFGyqHEkfN8

on this solitude and restless night, i am listening to lifehouse. things come and go, issues arise and to-be-solved, exam is just around the corner, to be endured. and i have forgotten when i start to give up on thriving for myself. anyway, i'm holding on to finish everything and enjoy my idle lifeless life at home.

these few days, i have learnt to not make quick judgement based on just a single piece of information and without any confrontation on the subject himself. just put yourself in the shoes and you wont really dig the feeling there too aint it. and i am forever sorry to have such misunderstanding and prejudice. for the same token, feeling helpless for not being able to lend a helping hand and a pair of listening ears or even sending away some encourage words. i wasnt even i the situation and i wouldnt even know what it feels like that way but life has to move on. it's okay to be upset and frustrated but don't let it to engulf most of the time and energy. we'll come across a lot of difficulties in life, no matter how bad things've gone, always bear in mind that there are still a lot of people who loves you unconditionally so dont let them worry about you especially the parents.

before i end this, would love to offer my apology again to those that i have offended or hurt whether it's unintentionally or intentionally. i did things for reasons and i know i could be mean sometimes and my words are sharp like a freshly sharpen knife but i don't like to explain myself much. it's funny how there are people who you intend to get closer but is deterred by a thick wall or a fear of rejection while there are some who try to come into your life but are not welcomed. i wish i could play some mind-controlling trick someday. i feel so bad about myself sometimes but i could not help it. friends for benefit eh. define friend. is there anything wrong with not agreeing with everything and have myself my little opinions? is there anything wrong with breaking promises or overriding words. time could change a lot of thing. you can be at one second like purple and the next like pink. Avril also sings everything's changing, when i turn around, all out of my control, i'm a mobile'. as much as i would like to explain myself, i am even trying hard to put my priority on top.

so much for a birthday

twenty years ago, mummy and papa welcomed me to life. (hope i wasnt an accident) i dare not to imagine the labor pain that mum had to surmount through hours before i obediently crept out of the comfortable womb bringing a new mean of life. here i am twenty years later and if i am able to go back to visit myself every year on my birthday, i would definitely tell myself to cherish them more and to express my gratitude in a more decent way because based on my vague memory i have been pretty rebellious since young. but i hope that i have made up everything pieces by pieces to compensate for the wrongs.  

as i grow up, i've came to learn on the definition of love and how to love. nothing i said or did would be sufficient to repay all of those wonderful things you had done for me. we the Asian never learn to utter those three words and eight letters everyday and i have always wanted to whisper it but a large lump formed concurrently made me swallowed those words and feelings back. but it always remain there, buried at the abyss of my heart. Actions speak louder than words. well, i always know that i never did anything for both of you, but i always have a lot of big dreams and hopefully they'll come true. so much to accomplish and so much to do. my promise is that i would always love both of you in my own way and never abandon you. 

knowing that i've grown up little by little also signifies that you are growing older. please forgive me if i always worry you and please take good care of yourself too because "the-forbidden-word" is imminent. i hope that i will be able to give the best for your latter life as you guys have been slogging hard for the children. i think that it's really time for you to enjoy the wonder and great things about life.

as for my brother and little sister, thanks for being the pain in the ass especially HuiDi. i always love you! always make me feel young despite the huge gaps of year. as for my brother, thanks for the memorably fun, innocent childhood and being the bestest you could.  

lastly, thanks a lot for giving me this life. though i sometimes ask my self for the numerous mind-blogging questions on life's purpose, i have to admit that for twenty years, i havent see enough of the world and i havent do anything big for my loved ones so who am i to whine about my life. 

for the awesome friends, acquaintances and strangers that i've came across for the past 20 years, i would love to express my gratitude too for decorating my life with the pretty hue of colors. everyone means a lot to me. i really value our friendship! you guys make me smile and laugh so much and those are the beautiful moments that will be imprinted in my mind.  

Birthday is definitely a suitable day to reminiscence all those great days behind and to have new resolutions for the days and years to come. Embrace life people! dont forget to thank your parents on the occasion. wish i never grow up though. =)   

hello stranger

Quote Nicholas Sparks, "i often wish i could go back t a simpler time, when i wasn't so nostalgic".

is it even possible to sympathize my own self? surrounded by friends day and night, why do i still feel alone like a stranger, outcast? i alienated myself because apparently, solitude moments make me more comfortable at times but i do admit that i really have a lot of fun laughing together with them chatting nonsense and so forth.

i just feel really empty and lonely. a need to talk to someone to calm myself and to release stress. i started to realize that talking to Mum is not such a good idea because it's the kind of thing that will make her worry and grow more silver hair and traceable wrinkles. hence, here i am after ages of not signing in here as if i have desolated my pseudo-remedy here. no. it's just that life has been the same and of too much melancholically bitter and of course there are memorable, happy moments to but i don't feel like penning it down here due to my laziness.

i think this is just an escapism for me to get back to the real deal. it is just an excuse. the beauty of the photos is by capturing the moment when u 'snap' it, freezing the time, picturing the view before you and most importantly it tells the world that you've been there, you've done that and you exist. in addition, it brings you back to the past and you could play the story in your mind. it tells a thousand stories!

dear mummy, papa and huidee, i miss you guys so damn much. on the way to the airport a couple of days ago, i thought it as one of the saddest moment in my life. never had i ever feel so sad before. we hadn't even reach airport yet but i can feel that my tears were boiling inside and i was battling hard to make it evaporate instead of streaming down thru the corners. i just feel really sorry for myself that i have to go back to an ugly place and a life that i like and detest at the same time. and i met a stranger. and he was real. he could have been my savior as he thought me a lot of things and life lessons on the one hour journey back to KL boarding Aerobus. i lost his contact afterwards and i blamed no one but myself. it happened for a reason. i googled him afterwards and i find him real, exist! Thank God for that but how do i get in touch again? is it going to be odd and insane to call the office? duh.

quote stranger, "at this stage, for you, money could not be everything for you but bear in mind that money can do a lot of things". it keeps on ringing inside me. money can do a lot of things. so true. well, stranger, you haven't heard the full story yet and you don't know me yet. you know, i really appreciate and thankful for your blessings and words but you'll never know what the future will bring.

p/s i'll go back to Eid holidays all the time. never mind playing it in repeat.

an imminent lost

someone in the family had passed away. my Grandaunt.

since tuesday, i heard from mum n grandma that She had been admitted to the hospital. Her condition was so bad that the doctor said that the lung infections seemed to be fatal. and today, i just knew that She had passed away. feel a tinge of distress for losing Her but it wasn't as intense as it should because i just barely know Her and for this, i feel remorse.

i wonder is this even right to not feel a thing. i just feel sad to make me feel good about myself that i am not a heartless and unemotional person. i live thru my ays like every other days, still can happily laugh and smile. i barely know her, as a person. now that she's gone and i couldn't even remember the last time i saw her and greet upon her. chinese new year?

i just felt sorry for the family of my mother's side, especially my great Grandfather. he must has felt wretched for losing a sister. they have been like living together since young since she's not tied down to anyone. it felt like yesterday that great Grandpa lost Great Grandma. i wonder if his fragile heart is able to withstand such anguish. now i miss him. though again, i barely know him. despite his advanced age, he knew me. and whenever he reaches his hand for me when i went for a visit, i just feel helpless and sad. i feel sorry for the both of us. and i still remember the moment he shed his tears looking and touching my brother. i wonder what are those tears for. did he feel touched that we have grown up so big now? did he feel blessed or the opposite for the years he have lived thru? it was really a pain looking at my Great Grandpa inevitably living thru his last days with worsening condition. i feel glad that he has recovered from previous sickness but i think as you grow old, your body is unable to function well anymore and slowly, his eyesight weakens. but, mum said he looks healthy. i pray that he doesn't have to go thru any agony and can brace thru his last days comfortably.

i did really feel really really bad for not getting to know those respectable person in my life. they have been so dear to my mum, grandma, aunts, uncles and all but we the younger generations just comfortably enjoy the prosperity that they had slogged hard for us.

just want to send my sincere condolence to those who deeply felt her lost, especially my family members. i know that mum and grandma feel terribly bad and sad. we shall remember Her in memories and that will make Her lives in our heart forever.

beyond that smudge

yet another awesome and meaningful family outing with my funniest and favourite Aunt. it seems that i have inevitably become a part of them or i like to think so. i am forever grateful and thankful that Uncle and Aunt are always willing to make such great efforts coming down, sending me back when i went for a few nights sleepover. make sure i am fine and all. and i honestly believed and hope that their children will grow up great in the future.

the time spending with them are so valuable cuz they teach me priceless lessons. and of course they sometimes reflected my life, watching the scene before me making it feels like i am playing my history backward and make me reminiscence of the good old days i used to have. and the bad one included. Uncle and Aunt have definitely make awesome and the bestest parents a child can be gifted with. and of course, they are blessed with wonderful children too.

i made a visit to the National Bird Park and National Museum today. yes. i don't think that i would ever have yet another opportunity to visit those places again growing older. pfft. are you kidding me? museum?! but frankly speaking, the museum kind of giving of a sense of eerie and freakish. looking at the dummies gave me goosebumps and i had to look away. it was as if they are alive. Night at the museum definitely left great impacts to a 'particular' part of the viewer and i am one of them. nonetheless, i think that a visit to National Museum would serve as an awesome field trip for those studying History because learning and reading from the mundane textbooks alone aren't going to be as exciting and effective as making a visit there in which all the pictures and words in the books become alive.

so despite the crawling near exam, i still make up some time to enjoy myself and spend time with them because i know that i need it, despite the exhaustion that i still struggling hard to recover from yesterday's Explorace organized by my fellow course mates in which they sent us running amok all around Lake Titiwangsa and the residential hostel that i used to reside in. it definitely brought a new meaning and formed a different related memory.

well, life is not bad afterall. i dont have to complicate it by caring less. caring less doesnt mean i doesnt care at all. it's just that there's a whole lot more to it beyond that smudge that make us stop and cry at the so-reckoned unfair life.

Second Chapter

'Sometimes life hits you in the head with a brick. Don't lose faith. I'm convinced that the only things that kept me going was that i love what i did. You've got to find what you love. And that is as true for works as it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. and the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you will know when you find it.' yes, i fervently hope that i will really love what i am going to do in future. again, the same doubts haunting. the minute i rise from my slumber and it goes on till i doze off again. sometimes, i go thru my day as just a routine. just for the sake of living, surviving. a life without expectation, without goal, without motive and driving force. it gets weird when i lost myself, stuck in that moment and have to talk to myself to be a better me instead of dragging just another day, for the sake of living, without any significant achievement.

and my resolution of the year is to just get thru this year without much trials and tribulations. of course they are indispensable part of life but is it too much to pray that they're cut off to it's lowest limits because my fragile self is not able to withstand much pressure and misery from it. to make myself feel better, i actually make myself believe that there's balance in each individual. there are always things to compensate for your lost and of course you have to give in to gain. as i always wish that i could have everything laid out perfect for me and grump at the thought and sight that they have what i have been yearning for, i was blinded because that was only a part of the story. i didn't realize what they missed, what they suffered thru, what they lost because God is great and He makes us equal. you cant have everything at once.

First chapter

'You cant connect the dots looking forward; You can only connect them looking backwards. So, you have to trust that the dots are somehow connect to your future. You have to trust in something, your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. Because believing that the dots will connect down the road will give you the confidence to follow your heart even when it leaves you off the well worn path, and that will make all the difference'. after watching the video playing Steve Job giving a speech on a commencement at Stanford a few years ago, he has instantly became my idol. after all, success doesn't come easily for most of the prominent figures in the world. they had gone thru so much of bitter hardships so what am i compare to them? so, i will learn hard to not to try to connect the dots forward and asking blindly where on earth could these had lead me to. it was always dark pitch cuz it will only lighten if i brace thru it and walk thru the path. i should take things positively cuz nobody's God. nobody knows what the future will bring. instead, i believe that when i look backwards in the future, i will get all the answers that i've been questioning myself incessantly. truth is that i am getting really tired of it because it occupied a major part of my mind, life and i am constantly emotionally and physically drained by it.

i haven't been regularly updating my journal. it's just getting monotonous because every time i feel like inscribing something here, it was always of something melancholy. the wonders, the questions, the thoughts, the same old opinions. i have been procrastinate a lot lately. and today, while i was streaming an episode of House on the net, it happens to be related to a patient who writes blog online of her daily journal. well, she has definitely went off the boundaries that i set for myself. she wrote almost every little details of her life, the conversation and so on. well, that's all on her free wills to do that. i just choose to write on important things that came across my mind. my sudden thoughts, opinions and feeling, like my 'First Chapter' at this particular moment. A couple of weeks ago, i was trying to get back home and it turned vain, twice. Twice. what does that indicate? of course i did feel frustrated, angst and i did cry out, in silence. and it was painful. after i cant reach my Mum, i rang Papa instead. that's when the tears came. and we talked a lot that time. i put different parties to be blamed for the sudden change of timetable that ruined my plan. but what difference does it make. the best is to just take it as a lesson and i will not question it anymore. till yesterday, i finally realize that the sudden urge to go back and the incept that i have to go back for the 'extended' weekend is because my father's having his 50th birthday. but at the end, i totally forgot about it. and that's how i connect the dots backwards. for the subtly obscure events that took place. it happened for a reason.

ubiquitous

something definitely turns me on today. ever since i came back from classes, i have been waiting for the call by woon. i didn't get to meet her often during the semester break and i know that there's a lot that we should update each other. well, we could have do chatting every time we go online or skype but those can't compete with the anticipation of getting the free call/s on birthday! it has became a tradition. okay. be matured. duh.

then, i rang my mum and i knew i sound so excited on the phone. i cant explain the excitement that i felt. it's just a birth day after all but whatever. i am really happy! but the conversation is basically about what to expect during the clinical year after i had a long hour chatting with my dear buddy. it seems very fun and challenging because it involves more practical works and we finally get to see real patients and run tests on them. nonetheless, there's definitely more stressful because there's a lot to cover from the theory parts. gah. i hate theory exam!

one of my housemate's sister came over for a sojourn today. i am just too envy of their relationship! they are like sisters/twins/best friends/soul mates/whatever there is that paired and happy and complemented each other! i have so much of regrets in my life and i know that i will never ever be able to forgive myself and let it go no matter how hard i try. i have missed out so much about being a confident teenager, being a bubbly sister and most importantly, a happier self. so, this is me, swallowing my regrets, reminiscing all the good old days. and i can never go back to december all the time. i always wonder if they are aware and alert of how depressed i am and how i am terribly haunted by it every ticking seconds i am awake and aware of that missing pieces.

beautiful like you

Everybody wants to look into the mirror
And feel a little better now

And everybody wants to know there's someone out there
Waiting for you to come around

And I wish that you could feel it
But you don't choose to believe it
Cause I know that you can't see it that way

If you could only just stop stop stop running
If you could only take a second to breathe it in
Everything that you know would be beautiful, like you
You know they're never gonna stop stop stop your love
Let's pretend that the world is waking up
Everything that we see is beautiful, like you.

Everybody wants to tell someone their secrets
Why don't you tell me now?

Well, maybe I can fix this
Then I don't want you to miss this
And the sun is raining down

If you could only just stop stop stop running
If you could only take a second to breathe it in
Everything that you know would be beautiful, like you
You know they're never gonna stop stop stop your love
Let's pretend that the world is waking up
Everything that we see is beautiful, like you

Sometimes it's hard to be yourself in this crazy world
Sometimes it's hard to breathe

Everybody wants to know there's someone out there
Waiting for you to come around

If you could only just stop stop stop running
If you could only take a second to breathe it in
Everything that you know would be beautiful, like you
You know they're never gonna stop stop stop your love
Let's pretend that the world is waking up
Everything that we see can be beautiful, Like you

i could totally relate to the song! i remember gluing my eyes in front of the idiot box (last year, if i'm not mistaken) watching the american idol finale 2010. deep down my heart, i was praying that Crystal could win it. first, because she's a woman. and i totally sympathize her unfortunate difficulties, struggling as a single mum and stuffs. besides, she could really sing. and i was emotionally touched listening to her singing especially Up to the mountain. (actually have to YouTube this, i just remember something with the mountain) nonetheless, Americans vote for Lee Dewyne. and he has finally get to have his dreams come true and it was totally a life-changing experience. creating his name in the music industry and making money now while enjoying singing. and now, i am totally in love with this song - Beautiful Like You! i am happy for his success and hopefully he can go further.

it's been two years since Michael Jackson passed away. been listening to the radio since afternoon and they're playing his music all day long which bring back a few memories. on the other hand, i knew that on this particular exact date two years ago while i was doing my matriculation, my friend was enduring the most unforgettable day of her life. and dying totally changes everything. do cherish your loved ones. =)

mobile

everything's changing when i turn around, all out of my control i'm a mobile.

almost 20 years of my life has been spent on planet earth. reaching the beginning of second decade, i always wish that i have always has something that i am good at and good with. so that i could carry it on with the rest of my life. something significant. a talent or a beauty or a fortune or a heart or a mind that distinguish me from others. and at the end, i find myself going back to my root. i am proud as someone's daughter. wouldn't trade it for the world.

not sure since when do i begin to keep a distance from people. every close relationship that i have with once the strangers is becoming just a memorable history. i am aware of the distance that i am trying to keep. wouldn't take a glance looking back at how much i have left them behind and just looking forward as a lone wolf. it's so weird that the more i spent time with people, the more uncomfortable i get for having to doubt the sincerity. aware of the awkwardness and the odd stare i get from the eyes. i dont like to explain myself very much for every decision and every step that i make. it's just that i dont have much faith in others and i lack self confident. what is the price of trustworthy? maybe i am the one being sensitive about certain issues in which i always resolve to acting dumb and paying ignorance. therefore, i would love to apologize if ever i have disappoint anyone for my insensitivity. people dont need to understand me and i dont yearn for their understanding too.

as for my second year as a second year medical student, i am currently staying in an apartment with my other 6 housemates. things could be really crazy at times. it's like living in a big family. it's like everyday is a celebration season in which there's cheers and stuffs. sometimes, the feeling they give me is more than what i have experienced with my own family. at home, the ambience is more towards serenity, comfort and contentment. on the other hand, here, there are more laughters, louder and togetherness. it's not as if i am not happy at home. it's just different kind of happiness. and somehow i wonder whether i could take a little of here and there and make up my own ideal family. and i am thankful for the privacy i could have for living in this single room. the freedom of typing, singing and listening to myself. yes. it sounds contradicting from keeping a distance with people/friends and starting to bond with my fellow housemates/friends. maybe because i did not put in too much feeling and the sensitivity that i scared one day they would break it apart.

wish i never grow up

i am about to make a bigger and bolder step as a second year medical student. i don't really like the sound of second year and medical student bring together. i mean, as a first year, especially at the beginning i do know what i want. yes. this is hypocrite me.

after one long halt, i am not either physically or mentally ready to continue. i thought it was a high time to spend some time and spare some thoughts on my future. i thought that i would have to go thru a thorough process of awakening; that i am able to let go and take things as it come. nonetheless, i know that i have failed and all i do is to escape from reality and wasting time living in my own fantasy and comfort zone. i know that i will not be ever ready. i am just a loser who loves to whine constantly about my life without given much of token of appreciation. truth is, nobody really knows what i have gone thru and what would be waiting throughout my journey of discovery.

i yearn to be a better person. meeting with people from different walks of life do give a great motivation to me. i learn that most of them have unique and special talent or maybe interest that they are passionate about. and i can somehow see the variety colour in their lives. some indulge in music, writing, singing, sports and they do have a quality social life that i somehow wish i could be a part of those. knowing myself as a lone ranger who prefer to spare time to myself yet not to make the best out of it, it pains to know that all that is left of me is the thinking instead of actions. i do have many things to do about my life. to improve my life so that i have multiple skills and talent instead of being just a commoner and ordinarily ordinary.

sure there's a tinge of jealousy to know that people actually enjoys a better life than i do. and I am the one to decide what's 'better'. how do i know ? who am i to decide ?

things change as we grow. and as for me, it just changes a whole lot more recently. speaking of adulthood. it is equalized to responsibility that ones have to carry. parents and ourselves sure expect us to know how to take responsibility to our own doings and to be able to take care of ourselves. moreover, they expect us to think maturely, like an adult who knows how to fence for himself.

and for the umpteenth time, i am insisting that i don't want to grow up.

as for today, i am actually experiencing a mixed feelings that i never feel before. you can name it alphabetically and i have it all. too much to handle and i find it best to resort to blogging. and i am uncomfortably numb by all these. i know much more is coming ranging from family, academic and friendship. thought the world is going to end on you-know-the-date as a part of me kind of fed up and exasperated with my not clearly define with purposeless life. and it seems to move on and the world continue to spin.

i am just too tired at this point.

it's not your fault

finally get myself sick after too much of resting. it is really tormenting. it feels like i am half way to hell yet one of my feet is still stuck on planet Earth. when nights crawl in, it was the worse nightmares ever. every fiber of my being was shivering, in cold. and i was beyond exhausted. waking up feeling like i had been hit by a truck, having to drag my bodies everywhere. and i laid back on the couch watching my series.

then, it was a high time to go for a visit at the most dreaded place on earth ever since i was a kid-the clinic. when i told the ladies at the counter of my number/pass code or whatsoever it is, identification number sounds better i reckon, they were flabbergasted. i know. the last time i was there is like 10 years ago. 2001 as my eyesight is still function-able. i saw that from the patient record card. and if i am not mistaken that was when i got some minor allergic or probably just harmless rashes as the prescription was just Calamine lotion.

and at the end of the day, it was a free of charge consultancy.

the questions have been really hard for me to answer. among the reasons for me to hate holidays is that i would meet up with people and they would be asking the million dollar question which is how's life. How is life. right. so, i would be expecting myself to say life's okay, good sure. i mean, the questioner wouldn't have intended to hear me whining about how i wish there was a second road taken or a detour because sometimes i dont even know if i want to move on, by asking that question. it was just a simple simply phrase question after all. maybe i am the only one who is taking it seriously. but frankly, there's a lot to it.

i wouldn't deny that i still have interest in gaining more knowledge on medicine. the problem is that i don't take the initiation to fully apply it and bear it in mind. it was all just in my short term memory. i am really frustrated at myself sometimes. Well, the doctor i was consulting today was the first one ever asked me if i regret doing medicine, my answer is yes. i would say yes all the time. Would i quit it before i completely my studies, securing a MD, definitely no. i would not quit until the dean kicks me out of his precious faculty.

roll on

i used to have a virtual to-do-list whenever i am jaded with my studies and city-life few weeks before. i tried on the treadmill. it was exceptionally awesome as i start sweating and burning off some fat. i vowed to make it a habit and fit it inside my daily schedule but apparently my laziness gets the better of me. nonetheless, i will 'rescheduled' it. half an hour run before i dig in my brunch. i hope that i can abide to it.

i have renewed my driving license. it's kind of boggle me as it only last for about a year while i am not even close to the steering wheel for months. those months that drag on which feel like years. and i have enough confident that i can now drive okay and can get control of the car but i have to convince others and stop my mum from saying she feels like getting heart attack whenever i am driving. Mum being Mum. exaggerate too much sometimes.

i totally love waking up in the near afternoon without having an alarm, without a vibrating mobile underneath my pillow that shakes me off my dream. what's more grateful is that i don't have to scratch my head thinking of what to eat throughout the day as it's been taken care of. and there's totally a free and escape from my academic stuffs. i don't have to read through the notes, don't have to attend the exam, classes, lectures. it's just wonderful. i don't care if i am not doing anything productive. even if i feel like i need to occupy myself with reading, i will just procrastinate it. it looks as if i enjoy watching more. my dramas and movies are becoming scarce as days gone by. i try to keep an episode or two a day but it's running fast now. what do i do once i have reach the finale? not going to re-watch it for sure.

so i have a month left before i continue a medical student's life. first off, i am glad and thankful that i made it through second year. and it's definitely with no flying color but i couldn't care much. embrace it. then, after another years of conflicts and struggles, where will i be? how would i become? so much of questions. i am still on my journey of discovery.

update

still exhaust from the last visit to the beach. i must have gone old, ragged. since the holiday starts, i have been spending half of the day lying in bed and it surely is a meaningless, idle life but i am loving it. smitten with Vampire Diaries now. somehow, i think it's better than twilight and the trilogies. maybe because it's made into television series instead of 1 and a half hour movie.

a day at the beach surely taught me a lot. looking at the vast blue/greenish sea and it's endless. what is it over there? the end of the world? Japan? Phillipines? nope. they are not in sight. the horizon is intangible and it seems unreachable from where i stand. what really baffle me is that i thought the force of tsunami is unimaginably ferocious. the damage it caused is beyond terrible, leaving horrible nightmares. my condolence to those who lost their home and their loved one.

counting days. i would never ever wanted to go back to my regular life though things have improved now. i would be living in a better, homey place instead of the eerie hostel. my studies could have improved still i aint gong to put much thought of it, just let it be. the sky's the limit. but i dont want to push myself so hard that would bring me to a point where i could lose myself again. then, what's the fun in life? what is the purpose of life?

Avril's Black Star tour has kicked in in China, first stop i reckoned. and i am so damn pissed that the Boleh-land is not included. like What The Hell. it must have interfered with the last visit which brought about the controversial issues. and duh. i hate it 'here' sometimes for issue like this. a country i have learn to love and despise at the same time. maybe, just maybe, i could go to Singapore but i think it's to late now. dont start with When there's a will, there's a way. think my Avril-dream is doomed again just like a couple of years ago. fret not. throughout the years, i realised that my love and passion for her hasnt changed a bit.

completed Safe Haven. i enjoy reading very much. feel like going to the public library and borrow some but what could i expect from the local? duh.

plain human

it's has been quite a while since my last post. it seems like i have to start every single post with this significant line of mine.

life has been filled with ups and downs. it's like a roller coaster ride. sometimes, you get on top. sometimes, you get back on the ground. it makes you feel like you can spread your wings and fly but later, i find it surreal and things get back to solid ground again that i wish upon the stars every night that life could be much more easier for me.

again, i have to remind myself everyday that this is the road i have taken. the thing is that i have to work like a lot harder to make it a success. i really really do wish that i have a different life. thought that as long as the interest is there, nothing could bring me down but apparently i am so deadly wrong. i dont even know if the interest and passion is still burning inside or everything has subsided little by little through the course of time until i have to doubt myself whether it's still there. the little voice inside me always has the answer yet it's kind of impossible to make a diversion from here. now.

i always have stupid, preposterous thoughts running in my mind whenever the exam is near. truth is i really fear it because i couldn't find a way to conquer it although i reckoned that i did before. i wish it never comes. i wish the word ends. i wish i wake up the next day and found myself dead. sudden death. i wish i live in fantasy. i wish i have superpower. but, i am just a human.

dont want to live in regret and things have to go on whether i like it or not. stay positive. and i would be home soon and this is the price i have to pay.

Santa Mummy is coming to town

"i'm going to KL on 1 April."

simple text received and i jumped for joy, for a while. i hope that it's not going to be an April's fool prank because mummy wont ever do that. i am really looking forward to seeing my mum after two months long. i only get to hear her voices all these while. it's time to see how many platinum hair she has grown. and if possible, try to see if more wrinkles form. or better, she still look the same. middle-aged, vibrant and beautiful. i love my mummy more than anything.

i hate myself ever since i sort of secured a comfortable place for myself. i somehow learn of a new method to tackle the exams and for two consecutive modules, i could proudly say that i am satisfied with it. and i am really glad that i found the way. it is tough, definitely but i am relieved that my hard work has finally paid off. it definitely feels great. nonetheless, it's a tough module this time. i am often distracted. i feel as if i have so much time yet at the same time i know that i have to compete with the limited time available.

and it gives me heartache when i want to get attention so much only to be served with cold shoulders. i thought i have given up but apparently i'm not, yet. as if i will. i know that i would not be able to fool myself. driven by guilt everyday and engulfed with a tad of disgust with myself. and i overheard a conversation in the bus today which makes me appreciated what i have and praying if only i get more and the best out of it. if only i can manipulate how things work. i do wish i have superpower. where do i go from now.

hmmm. regardless to the previous post, it seems like i a still alive. and it's still a long week to go. same routine. same people. same heartache.

at world's end

15th March 2011

the world is left devastated over the ferocious tsunami that hit Japan last weekend. i was savouring in my much needed, long, deep nap when hundred thousands of people were shivering in fear and seeking refuge and fighting for their lives, their loved one. when i logged in facebook, only that i get to know what happen on the other side of the world. seeing people losing everything. the pain and anguish they have to go through. it makes my heart squeezed while i let go a helpless sigh. we are lucky aint we? we should be grateful and thankful, everyday, every moment. here, still breathing, listening to my favourite music, browsing facebook, anticipating the next day, in the hope that it will bring new knowledge and meaning to our life. hoping that whatever we reap yesterdays, tomorrow and the days to come will eventually bring a much better and desired future to us. counting down for the days till i get to be with my family again and unwind myself from the hectic, complicated life here. it was much simple back then.

things have worsen. there has been many speculations and issues raise over the Judgement Day, the end of the world, Apocalypse, whatever the name is. the bottom line is, it seems like the recent earthquake comes tsunami act as a prognosis for the imminent apocalypse. And there has been prediction that it would happen on 21st May, which is deemed as the Judgement Day, and would prolonged for 5 freaking months till October, the end of the world. 5 months of suffering and stuffs, i am not sure. that prediction is done based on Bible studies by a man who has been studying it for many years. well, i dont really have much thoughts on that. there have been many evidences of fake or fail attempts in predictions before so should we buy it this time? truth is, i dont think we can set a date for it. only God knows. though it's imminent, definitely.

if say it's just around the corner, i would say that i havent live my life, just enough yet. i don't want to die yet. i have so many things to do, to complete, a world to see, treasure. don't take this away from me. not so soon. i would need to be with my family. i miss my Mum and Papa and Huidi and brother, my grandma, aunts, uncles, cousins. imagine if the flood, earthquakes or whatever natural disasters there are, happen. this brings me back to 2012. i want to be with my family. we should run for shelter together and if it's destined that no one could escape it, we could have died together. i dont want to be at the other side, knowing my parents fighting for lives and the agony that have to endure seeing the destruction of our homeland, the anxiety they have to put through wondering about their children's whereabout. and my old Grandma. i would want to be by her side and help her, give her strength and everything. yes. this is an ugly truth. the end of the world is scary. where would you go? what would you do?

even now. rumour has it that the defect of nuclear plant causing radioactive leakage would be stirring acid rain in Asian countries. i read another source saying that was just a hoax. figured.

what if, tomorrow is the last day here?

Dear F

now, F. you do the blogging.

let's build an imaginary house mansion with rooms to occupy our memories. like magical.

i enjoyed myself very much today. catching up with each others. life is always unexpected. and i sincerely, genuinely wish you the very best in your future undertakings. it could be that this has always been your calling. whatever you do, make the best out of yourself. to be successful, there's a lot of turmoils that you have to live through and brace it. and you're never alone. i hope that you are willing to share with me your problems and if you need any opinions, feel free to ask. i want to help. i am always available. for me, i have learnt to talk about my problems as a mean to release my stress and to seek for some sense of security and belonging. and i always have faith in people i am in contact with because i believe in them. trying to earn the trust of others by believing in them.

i tend to see myself as an arrogant, social outcast and a total nerd in the past. we have been classmates since primary school and trust me, i am not even this close to F until secondary school. well, at least, there are fond memories in primary school. i used to walk across the street from the school to her house and make calls for a couple of times. maybe you forgot it F. but i am sure that it happened. moreover, you're special in the sense that my father knows who you are. One of the many friends that my father, who actually know. we acknowledged you as 'ah tao'. i have forgotten how he happens to pay more attention to you but i think he used to see us together back then.

so. now. i have learn a new way to really treasure the connection, the bond and valuable friendship that i have with the people that i care for. let's put it in a way that i tend to choose who to befriend and who to not for particular reasons that i don't seem to understand. it could be fate. it's could be the sense of belonging. it could be the chemistry that we have. and yes F. we share the 'mischievous' gene! and we are similar in many ways. you do have a special place in my heart.

well. you make me think a lot lately. you teach me a lot even before. first, you make 'life seems unexpected'. second, you make me feel guilty and ponder about the many unpredictable possibilities that i might step on and the many diversions that i could choose, if i want. thirdly, you make me feel like i am useless. if only i have the power and authority.

it's tough. life's hard. have a little faith. we shall have a bright future. we share dreams. let's make it comes true. i am talking about traveling and holidays.

want to know that my friends are happy everyday because nothing's permanent. the sadness and sorrow wont last long. just don't let it burdens you much. pray for the best.

Netter's anatomy

so, we are having musculoskeletal module as the last module this semester. it's kind of equivalent to Anatomy. that's one big difference that many have been arguing around as other prominent medical schools still using the old, traditional, authentic way of conducting the medicine course by learning through the subjects and the very basic core but we here studying it by systems. but i am nobody to judge which one's better.

it's so a killer module, like the others but this tops the others i suppose. every single part of the bone, the veins, the vessels, the muscles. they have names. yes. Names are good. Names are precious. Names make identity. Names make you feel appreciated. And i hate to remember all these but my professor does it like a fish out of water. She was so fluent and good in teaching and her lecture flows so smoothy like the silk or whatever smooth things there are. okay. i haven't even start my studies. sparing myself a couple of days of rest and i am good to go again, hopefully. i saw one of my course mate inscribing our medical students' life like a menstrual cycle. once a month, you get menstruation, which is the exam period. then, you get to rest for a few days and the cycle repeat again, the thickening part of the uterine wall and all for the next few weeks until the sloughing part comes. creative eh? the funny part is that she wonders when is menopause. i cant wait for that too.

so, today we were having practical on bony things and stuffs, with a real model picked among the students. i was late a few minutes for it and that they have began everything and suddenly i saw this half naked man on the tv screens in the dissection hall and the real man was modeling just a few meters away from the entrance. DROOL. his has got fair skin, and a little muscular, which is not too much like those body builders and i thought they have always been disgusting. He was just perfect. OMG. i was so attracted to him. like magical. a body. yes. i fall in love with his body. =D i am normal. yes. pretty much can't believe today that i fall for a body. a live, muscular body. Anatomy should be fun.

and i just bought two text books which costed around 200 bucks. it's not Gray's anatomy but Netter's. and He's such a great artist/ illustrator comes doctor. He's talented. A loving husband because he dedicated all the drawings to her wife. My heart squeezed at this. i will appreciated his drawing more. that's how he immortalized his loved one. and i just love man like this. hopefully i can be eternalized too someday. and we will never grow old. like magical.

and what's more crazier today is that i have just pre-ordered myself GOODBYE LULLABY DELUXE EDITION. i just want to get the tote bag. and hopefully other free gifts too. and i was just cursing myself for my stupidity because i don't think everything worths it.

xoxo love you mummy! =)

and i am so afraid that i call home less and the conversation goes shorter.

and i am so afraid that the next time i called Papa, nothing comes out but repeating the same questions over and over again.

and i am so afraid that i will forget that i have a sister and i dont even know if she has done something great that i am proud of or things alike.

and i am so afraid that i really give up on my brother.

4Real

it's a mixed feeling. i have made it, like finally.

looking at the notice board and scrutinize through the name lists, with the students id number and FULL NAME with it, looking for mine. i wasn't even dare or care much to look at it initially because I don't give a damn, anymore. i jerked forward from my position because my friend had told me, after she looked for it that i scored pretty well. and hell yeah, it was, indeed, A pretty well grade. i finally scored an A- for my module test after going through so much of turmoils, the failures, the trials and tribulations. i have finally managed to prove that i can actually do it. but it's really tough.

it was a Infection and Immunity module. Damn it. So damn much of memorizing stuffs. Why did i score in this module?! i don't know why. i could be just lucky. mere lucky. i couldn't believe it through a little piece of me was still hoping to see a paid-off effort out of the midnight oils.

i think that a lot of things change. i adapt to a different study method. i make myself to recall back everything, like projecting a movie, slide shows in my brain. and i do it constantly. what was i doing previously? i thought i did apply those but how come it doesn't work before but now.

still, it still doesnt change my mind. i keep on thinking that i want a different life. a more carefree life. do you know how stressful and torturing it is to have tests and competing. though i would say that i don't care much about others but more on challenging myself to do more and get the best out of myself, i somehow feel a tad of jealousy and incompetency because if they can do it, i can too.

nonetheless, it does feel good and no good at the same time. thank God. the omnipresent. it's like an invisible, intangible yet i choose to have faith in it that it does exist. like a guidance, a source of protection from an amulet.

hopefully that i can keep it up, the momentum. let's do it step by step.

wish you were here

So now, i have illegally owned Goodbye Lullaby. What is there to be anticipated and look forward to? i love all the songs and each and every of them are so unique and have their own kicking rhythm and melody. i personally like Goodbye the most because it's also very personal and emotional for Avril to fully write and produce it on her own. And the story behind Goodbye is very touching and moving. yes. i Love you so. la la lullaby, help me sleep tonight.

it keeps me ponder if two love each other, why would they eventually go for break up. i mean, if two are in love with each other, aren't they supposed to make it last no matter what the obstacles and difficulties are. it is so absurd for me to understand people who have gone thru a relationship and later ends up breaking up and file for divorce though admitted that both still love each other and that they respectively occupy a special place in the heart. i just don't understand.

now. i don't know what am i looking forward to do anymore. waiting for the next plane home. then what. after all the holiday, i have to be here again with my stressful and unappealing life. lying on my bed and stop thinking but to dwell in the velvety and peaceful moments, alone. the decision to move on is a right one because it is the only one that seems rational and sensible. though, what's left of me is the exhaustion of courage and dignity that i have to put thru in order to survive. i don't want to let myself to be vulnerable, not when i am with people. so, i hold it on, brace it alone. and it's tough.