damn. when life gives you lemon, you can either make lemonade out of it or put out a sour face. why life is giving me lemon anyway?! i have heard enough of the courageous words, the advices, the endless motivation and in fact i'm giving and passing it to those who needs it too. although deep down my heart, i know that those are all just lies. a lie that's covered by another and i live in a lie. a horrendous lie. i dont want to know the truth and force to accept it with the possible big heart i could ever offer. you fall down and you get up again. you complete the race. doesnt matter who comes first, second or third. what if you're asthmatic? do you still put your life at risk knowing you're in grave danger cause nobody's going to offer medical helps along the run?
i stared at the wall, the ceiling, the space and pictured myself in the best mask i could ever put on possible. i dragged on the day, wondering if the end is near. it's like watching a good movie or a good drama and you wish it never ends that it will go on forever. that way, you dont have to turn off the tv and proceed with other activity. it's like praying for tomorrow never comes for you have been spending the best day of your life ever and know tomorrow will never be the same again. worse, it could be you're having the most disastrous day ever and could not summon the courage to welcome tomorrow. i just slack on and wish that i was living in a dream or a fairy tale, waiting for my life's story to be ended ASAP. i just wish i fall into a deep slumber and never wakes up again. that way, i wouldnt even exist and i dont have to turn on my masochistic genes, hurting my mind mentally. that way, i could dwell in my own escapism without having to face the cruel and heartbreaking reality.
now, i fully understand the lonesomeness that Anna and Vicki have been experiencing. they were ghosts and were surprisingly brought back to vampire diaries. i think it's normal that like other soap operas, they'll come up with new plot and story line just to keep the show on and anticipated. they have been feeling indescribable lonesome and solitude in the other side of the world cause they cant find peace or sort. i just feel the same. after all these struggles, i know that i am all alone all these while. no matter how much i try to make myself sounds right because of my egoism, no matter how hard i try to make them resort to end my suffering, no matter how vigilant i have been, shits still happen just because i deserved it. things happen for a reason. okay. i get it. just tell me the real reason. dont just tell me the good things to make things better or make me feel better. i can make up poker face and you dont even want to know how miserable and depressing it is inside. and i am really really sorry for all that have happens. we could not change it. i hope my mischievous and stubborn self do not get the better off me just to save my pride from the mess that i have created.
maybe my faith isn't strong enough and i have my doubts. somehow, i just want to put a stop to all the supernatural, beliefs and traditionally cultures thing because a part of me know that it isn't just about that. true that those things seem to make the elders and self more prepared spiritually and mentally but did anyone even try to see the clearer and big picture before? hello?! i am a dead walking body here. anyone try to dig down inside me, to make a postmortem on me? maybe there's a chance of resurrection. well God, i just hope You keep me faithful and tenacious enough to hold on. not blaming anyone cause i know fault is on me, solely. i am just frustrated and exasperated and pissed and upset with myself. and i hope that i wouldnt betray myself in the near future.
i am pretty sure i am going to visit here more frequent. try many escapism. sleeping is the best i would say when you mind is just shut off, you wouldnt have to care a word.
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