wish i never grow up

i am about to make a bigger and bolder step as a second year medical student. i don't really like the sound of second year and medical student bring together. i mean, as a first year, especially at the beginning i do know what i want. yes. this is hypocrite me.

after one long halt, i am not either physically or mentally ready to continue. i thought it was a high time to spend some time and spare some thoughts on my future. i thought that i would have to go thru a thorough process of awakening; that i am able to let go and take things as it come. nonetheless, i know that i have failed and all i do is to escape from reality and wasting time living in my own fantasy and comfort zone. i know that i will not be ever ready. i am just a loser who loves to whine constantly about my life without given much of token of appreciation. truth is, nobody really knows what i have gone thru and what would be waiting throughout my journey of discovery.

i yearn to be a better person. meeting with people from different walks of life do give a great motivation to me. i learn that most of them have unique and special talent or maybe interest that they are passionate about. and i can somehow see the variety colour in their lives. some indulge in music, writing, singing, sports and they do have a quality social life that i somehow wish i could be a part of those. knowing myself as a lone ranger who prefer to spare time to myself yet not to make the best out of it, it pains to know that all that is left of me is the thinking instead of actions. i do have many things to do about my life. to improve my life so that i have multiple skills and talent instead of being just a commoner and ordinarily ordinary.

sure there's a tinge of jealousy to know that people actually enjoys a better life than i do. and I am the one to decide what's 'better'. how do i know ? who am i to decide ?

things change as we grow. and as for me, it just changes a whole lot more recently. speaking of adulthood. it is equalized to responsibility that ones have to carry. parents and ourselves sure expect us to know how to take responsibility to our own doings and to be able to take care of ourselves. moreover, they expect us to think maturely, like an adult who knows how to fence for himself.

and for the umpteenth time, i am insisting that i don't want to grow up.

as for today, i am actually experiencing a mixed feelings that i never feel before. you can name it alphabetically and i have it all. too much to handle and i find it best to resort to blogging. and i am uncomfortably numb by all these. i know much more is coming ranging from family, academic and friendship. thought the world is going to end on you-know-the-date as a part of me kind of fed up and exasperated with my not clearly define with purposeless life. and it seems to move on and the world continue to spin.

i am just too tired at this point.