frankly, i used to think so and so are one of my best friends but the word best doesnt really justify it. i suppose i could only use close or good friend. because best friends are suppose to be able to communicate transcend the time and both are willing to share everything, keeping no secret, trusting each others, just holding on faith. guess i am still not able to do that because my egoism is taking over a very big part of me. am still having troubles trusting people fully. even with my mum, i never really tell her everything that she demands she want to know. what was i thinking, feeling and experiencing. she asked me to tell her just everything because she is the closest ever. true. but mum, i was born this way. i was born introvert. not that i dont trust you but i am so used to keeping everything to myself (and you did see what happen when everything has gone beyond maximum point and the maximum tension. i burst. like a ferocious volcano).
once saw on Oprah an obese girl who used to be bullied and making fun of in the school confessing on television to her mum, with tears streaming down her face, howling. telling her mum: I hate you. I hate you because you are my only best friend. My heart cried for her. (supposedly it was a psychology thing that the counsellor guided the problematic teengaers to express their feeling that way...starting the sentence with 'i hate you'. yes mum. "I hate you cuz you love me so much and you have so much faith in me that i am scared that i will only let you down".
well. though i dont really have best friend, i do have a variety of close friends. They are so different in every way. i found a piece of me in each of them. they truly makes my life better and i knw that i can always go to them to talk about those little things that get me excited and make me happy after a tiring day or week. they never fail to make me smile and move on. though none really know how miserable i was feeling inside, i am just comfortable that way. still finding courage to surpass my stubborn self and learn to open up. and i am grateful that once a while, they shared their problems with me. =)
and last confession, i am truly sorry for some that didnt make it that far. i dont like to make any emotional attachment to any or get way too close because once i set the diameter shorter, i feel like people actually start to take control over me. feel like i am being used. always the one to make sacrifice and all. always the one with the softest voice. always the one not given chance to make decision n speak up. i despise that. and i wont tell you that straight into your face. i dont want o hurt your feeling bt i guess starting with ignorance and indifference hurt more. i dont care. i have no choice. see, i am mean this way.
odd number is hard. it always have to be in even or pairs. because someone will always left out. i dont want to be the one 'chosen' because i am more comfortable alone. i dont really mind being alone. moreover, i care about the left out one. read it like an open book. guess i am 'kind' this way for compromising n tolerating eh?
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