back to december

there has been a few attempts since my last post. it starts off with a few lines and my words stumbled. there are too much coming at once and sometimes i feel as if things that were running in my mind that particular time were not important and i have seriously lose some sense of writing my own story.

it's almost coming to an end of the year. thank God for everything that i have gone thru all the while. the ups and downs, the devastation and the merry, the forgotten and the anticipation and the memories. it was again another blessed year though i am still lost in my own journey. it's a lifelong process. i will never satisfied with my life as such that i find myself confused and doubting my purpose of life. trying to live life happily everyday, trying to help the needy, be good to parents, be a proactive student and learner. whenever i find whatever i am doing is something joyful and blessed, it always comes to a point in which i yearn for something different, something exciting, something beyond normal. something magical. a surreal experience.

life's complicated and tough. though, it doesn't apply all the time. it's just my own perception. it can be simple but i dont want it that way. i can live everyday life in a continuos cycle, living a mundane typical medical student life but something is missing. undeniably, as a young adult, i am still searching the special someone to share a life with and a story to tell. nonetheless, that's not my main concern now because i try to believe in everything has been destined. why the rush? besides, single is not a big deal. seeing friends gone thru broken, unsuccessful relationships make me ponder that Perfection needs time, and worths the wait. i aint desperate or anything because there's something more significant rather than the sickly love life. in addition, i dont even feel like a need to have any liking or loving towards anyone non blood related (exception to friends) because nobody would ever love another person like the family. unless, i do really find my best friend, my soulmate, my lover. if i do not even love myself, how do i expect somebody to love me.

nowadays, i am more concern of the success of my career in the near future. before this, i could convince myself easily that i will nurtured my iron will with my dogged determination to complete my studies no matter how ridiculous it can be but things changed now as life's progressing. again, i dont really think i am the right person to do this.

a surreal experience. i wonder if i could turn back the time. back to the past. i am sure that being the stubborn one, i will still choose this path because i used to have so much interest and confident in myself but everything's fading now. i need some boost now yet it's hard to apply it. how would i ever end up in the next ten years? i should just move along and see how it turns out. i do have some fantasy on heartbreaks and see how it lead me from there. i levae everything for Him to decide and Ha gave me this. perhaps, He do have confident on me and to see how i go from there and here i am, wondering if i will be given another chance or that maybe i will find my own courage along the way, on my own and family support. yes. i should see how it goes.

it doesn't have to be a perfect journey. i will stumbled and startled along the way as there're tremendous obstacles. As long as i give my best and i do what i could, i should have no regrets. What happens in people life is what is granted to them because they deserve it more than i should. Try to believe that life's fair but it's not most of the time. it's fair when i am contented with it, paying no jealousy. =)

sweet serendipity

it was a two hours of movie with my family for the very first time and i treasured it a lot. we were watching narnia. and i found it very interesting and it's totally a captivating and great movie. i find Edmund cute! so is Caspian! it sent tears to my eyes. moreover, it's the last day of my first year first semester break which only lasted for about 12 days. and now, i am missing my family dearly. i tried not to think much and free my mind around the end of the show with the goodbyes, reunion and all. that's how i hold back my tears or else i am so afraid that i cant stop it.

it's totally excruciating to think of what i am to endure for the next few years. i am not sure whether this kind of life really suits me. maybe i am the one who put such stress on myself. i should learn to take joy from learning and studying because knowledge is power. nonetheless, i have o much of doubts.

and i survived through the hectic and stressful months. please find the will and courage to move on.

terrified

it's the first time i see the beam of sunlight since i came back. and it's beautiful. it's definitely a beautiful day.

i just enjoyed my own moment of serenity and sedentariness the whole sunny afternoon in front of the idiot box. it's a little warm, cozy and i treasured my privacy and own space a lot. i can indulge myself fully and it struck me that i really want a different life in future. a complete carefree, stress-free and enjoyable life. but then, that would just make me an idle person who do nothing good on the earth but wasting enormous amount of energy and nature resources. i dont even know where do the passion and dedication gone. i think i just stop fighting for myself. i stop believing in myself. i stop pushing myself to go further. i lost all the faith and the battle is totally horrendous. it's still fresh in my mind,

i don't want to go back to studies. i just want to stay home and eat and sleep and help mum around and so on. and i would be the biggest disappointment if i do that. i seriously doubt myself if i am the right one for whatever that is about to come in future. i doubt myself that i will be able to surmount everything. i am broken inside. i can foresee myself as a walking dead body in the faculty and just live my life as if i dont have a clue about it. as if i dont give a damn. i really dont know if i can still go on.

what do i really want, seriously? at such tender age, am i too naive to make up my mind and to make such a big decision by not considering the consequences? i thought i already pass that stage but then it proves that i dont have the ability and capability to move on.

ugly

i could not bear to think of what the future would bring. i do not even dare to predict, to put a hope, to expect anything if i really have a good future ahead.

i am so scared. i need someone to tell me that everything will turn out fine, all right, okay. that i need not to worry much about anything or everything and i just have to live the present to the fullest. but i could not. fear engulfed me whenever my thought switch to the inexplicable and volatile future. that someone, has to be God.

i don't know how i would react to it. i am really really scared to face it. i have already encouraged myself to face among the toughest moments in my life but i think what would happen next is more rugged. i don't know whether i have any courage and determination left to face whatever the future would bring. it is going to be ugly and i don't want to face it. i mean, if i know beforehand how it would be, at least, i would have time to prepare for it. i would brace myself. but now, with an empty mind and soul, as much as i want it to be bright and lively, i am so worried of the gloomy and disastrous outcome. yes. i could and i am expecting for the worst but i am again too stubborn to admit the mistakes. i just could not take it when everything that i work for turns futile and to no avail.

stubborn

this is my best friend here that has been helping me a lot to go through my devastation. i really appreciate her helps and all.

it has been one long devastating and hectic week for me.

i was experiencing one of my most unforgettable downfall and stressful moment in my life. as i'm inscribing this down, oddly, i couldn't even recall how does it feel at that particular moments of anguish. no. you dont want to know how it feels.

i failed my academic exam for the second time. this time, it's worst than the first. my heart was totally broken when i get to know the results. it was really shocking to me because i thought i did pretty well for that paper. i have more confidence this time because i read it thoroughly and i think that the paper is not really very tough because i feel like the answers are pretty obvious for some but i was so deadly wrong again. i have too much pride and vain confident in myself and i'm too conceited to admit my mistake.

i didn't sleep well for numerous nights. it feels empty. i feel like a dead walking body every single day. i have a lot of things rummaging in my mind. i tried to be strong and tough. and eventually i broke down one day. it's the stress and devastation that lead to it.

i talked to my Mother. and i told her everything since the first failure. i feel like a useless, disappointing being. i couldn't believe how my efforts do not pay? i did work hard for it but the grade signifies that i didn't do the studies and all. it was a terrible grade. and the thing is that only a few countable students failed. it keeps me pondering and wondering. yes. maybe i'm interested in medicine. yes i love it too much to give it up. but, am i the right person to do it? i ain't a good medical students. i can't cope with studies, really. the grade and results tell. i have a lot of hard work to put in and i already gave my bestest and that's my limit since the boost of my first failure. i did work for it and i don't get a good repay. do you know how frustrating it is? i cried, again. things have been real tough. i cannot cope with my studies. yes. i start to think that maybe medicine is not my thing. though, talking to Mother is really soothing. she understands my problem and she gives me a lot of courage to move on for my final semester examination. i move on eventually. i try to forget the torment for a few days at least because i know what's my priority. though, everyday, i hear my heart whispering that everything seems very surreal. i cannot believe that i get such a grade because i really think can do better not acing it but at least a good pass. i really dont know what went wrong. some more, seeing so much of them getting good grades really make me feel more ashamed and disappointed of myself. what went wrong?! i really hate to accept my defeat, this time, really. because i fought so hard for it!

so, here i am now. the important papers are over a couple of days ago and there's still one last paper to go. i talked to a friend yesterday. he doesn't know what i have gone through but i'm just asking a few tips on his studies because he is really a smart and fine guy. i am really captivated and respected his opinions and it makes me feel a whole lot better. he said that people are saying studying medicine in overseas could bring less tension and stress because what they do are more on practical thingy whereas the local one is more exam-orientated. there are pretty much theory thingy and some insignificant stuffs that in real life as a physician, those knowledge is not needed. he gave me a few examples of how excellent students could fail their practical years and hence that is not a good doctor. yes. maybe they can list down every single word from the first page to the last of a reference book but on application in real life, they could have freaked out and doomed. so, results do not signifies everything.

yes. it could be a sour grape case. but i am too stubborn sometimes. i like to skip unimportant, insignificant details and so i could perform well i think. i do not like to memorize things that does not seem important to me. yes.i could be wrong. say me lazy or anything.i admit. i am sill wondering whether i can really be a good doctor and whether this professional suits me. there are a lot of risks to take and explanation to make. i rally don't know what to do with my life. i want to do awesome things. i dont want a miserable life. i have a lot of wonders.

time tells

listening to Nickelback-Never gonna be alone. Captivated by the line "you gotta live every single day like it's the only one, what if tomorrow never comes? don't let it slips away, could be our only one"

why am i so darn exhausted since i don't know when. i could take a nap for three hours straight. i wake up after i set the alarm to half an hour but then my head is just tooo heavy that i could not lift it up so i place it on the pillow and just sleep. i am mentally and physically exhausted.

my life's a mess. i have a lot of mishaps, problems and obstacles that come to me at once. yes. i am suffocating. it all comes to me at once that i dont know how to react sometimes. so i could just accept what has been made a conclusion and move on. my studies and my own personal problems come invading me at once. yes. i just go with the flow. then, there are things that need time to tell and heal. time does heal and tells things. i move on. i never want to look back. i realised what have been a haze to me before and i dont want things to bother me anymore. gee. exam in 2 days and i am still facebooking and blogging. die.

Fugitive

as i am typing this, there's a lot of things running in rage in my mind. things that worried me, things that i care a lot, things that i plan to do, things that happen, the plot and all, spirits, world, everything comes all in once and things that make me happy as i'm trying to alleviate my dejection, many many things that for the first time ever, i truly madly deeply doubt myself for the decision that i am sure of since a long time ago. i suppose that as we aged, our perceptions and views toward life changed. yes. someone told me this before and i bound to be indifference because i used to believe in myself so much that i am sure that i will never doubt what i have chosen. but i was wrong.

for the first time ever in my lifetime, i fail my academic examination. yes. i failed my driving test before but who the hell cares nowadays. i start driving again to conquer my fear because i know that i want a difference in my life and i am no coward and i can do driving because driving is fun, driving is awesome. and yes. i manage it. i just need to brush my skill more on managing a decent parking. so. continue the story. i fail my test as i am enduring my life as a first year medial student.

heard it from seniors that it's a common thing to fail it. no worries. there's a final to catch up everything. hell yes. there's a stack of notes for me to digest. and what i always do is to just skim through. i am such a lousy medical student. now, i even doubt myself whether i can be a good doctor. i have no knowledge and i dont even bother to get a better understanding on things that i dont undersatnd because i like to label things that i like and dislike and for those that i dislike, i am really jaded to figure them out, to know a thing about it because i think of it as useless and insignificant.

yes. after a few hours of calming myself down. i still think of faling the test as something bearable. did not cry, scream or bang my head on the table or wall. just keep it cool? am i just trying to act strong? not that i'm trying to boast about myself but i used to be among the top students at school. gah. that was a history. i am now among the last one to queue up from the many genius and hardworking students. i can accept my defeat because i know that i have not been working hard on it. i am not trying to find excuses. i know my own problems. i am distracted by things and i think of myself as know-it-all and to go with the flow with the virtual luck that i thought i still carry along but everything's just a miserable lie and delusions that i create for myself. i fail this time (serve me right) and the previous tests were of not great results either. my only problem now is how do i tell my parents. they would be so damn heart broken. i played too much. i used to confess to my Mother that i am not going for frequent outings anymore and will try to overcome my addiction and will focus more on studies but i fail, again, terribly. i am just a liar. i lie to my Mum and i lie to myself. no wonder bad things happen to me for consecutive days. it's like i have been jinxed. and these things make me ponder a lot. a hell lot.

i dont want to disappoint them knowing how high their expectation is. no. they are not putting any pressure on me and i do medicine on volunteer basis. they just encourage a lot and believe in me so much. i just know that the expectation is there as i was a staraight As student back then. they keep on telling me don't stress much, try to enjoy life while i could, take it easy and all. i know that deep down their hearts, they want their children to excel acdemically and as a person. a well grown human that could contribute to society in future. i am so sorry. i failed terribly this time. although i am not the only one, but there are people who scored well too. why can i attain the achievement like they do? i mean, if they can do it, i can too. it's the matter of wanting and working hard to achieve it. i am now thinking of plotting a lie or i could just keep it secret or i could just pay ignorance. duh. it's a white lie afterall aint it? this is so hard. i feel like a fugitive. run. run! RUN!

never thought that i could miss a person this much. yes Mum. i love you. i miss you it hurts. it hurts a lot. i have see tears in your eyes, tears of my suffering, tears of my disappointment, tears of my happiness and all. i am such a demand girl that i want everything to lay out perfectly for me as how i want it to be. i keep on seeking the attention from mum and pup. everything's changing ever since i went back for my deepavali holidays this time. i can feel and see the changes in myself. i went driving again. yes. why? i want my parents to see me as a capable person. i dont want them to worry that i cant drive and nobody's going to take care of me. no. i can do it on my own now. i try to include them more in my activities. i get rid of internet hence i have more time with them. and i start feeling remorse and guilty ever since i know i fail the test and stil keeping it a secret until now.

maybe failing the test reminds me on working harder. i have been real optimistic. i have never give up on medicine with my lousy results previously and with failing it the third time. i just dont know why. i love medicine too much to give it up. i enjoy learning all those stuffs and maybe when it comes to exam and tests, i don't know how to apply the knowledge. it's not as if i did not study and put effort on it. i did. i fought so hard but in vain. moreover, if i were to give up, i dont know what to do with my life anymore. i don't know what i want to do in future but now, i am terribly homesick that i feel like going home and be there, living an easy, comfortable life.

Biggest Joke of My Life

history has been made. it should be one of the most unforgettable day in my life. i missed the flight by just 10 minutes late entrance into departing hall. yes. 10 minutes.

well. how do i feel? it's just totally unbelievable and i kept on asking the lady at the counter and she's saying she's serious about it and all and there's no point arguing even if the issue's brought into the management office. well. i do admit it's my fault. it's because of poor planning and i thought that i have to be here one hour before departing time. well yeah. cut that down to half an hour. totally shocking, depressing, surprising, OMG, you name it, i am feeling it now at this particular moment.

duh. i am just lazy to explain everything and to just feel like a need to inscribe this down. yes. i learnt my lesson.

Days Gone By

It's a little painful for me to recall everything and type it down by recapturing

the purest memory i have about the deepest and darkest memory/secret but i

have got nothing more appropriate to crap apart from it since i have to hand in

an assignment on miscommunication thingy.

Nonetheless, as time passes, i find it still bearable maybe i have attained the

adaptation to it. Besides, things start to improve now and i like it a lot. i am

now a more cheerful and happy person. i am trying to enjoy life and savour

in every good that life has to offer.

it is undeniable that there are times that i will think of what could have happen

if i did not made that hugest mistake ever. Things would be not the same. i

am close to live a perfect, ideal life. but, i have to bear with it. i accept my fate.

i accept my mistake. maybe this is a lesson. maybe God think that my life is

too perfect that He take it away for a while.

Listening to Days Gone By and it's totally compatible to some extend because

the song is about love relation thingy between boy and girl and Hello! this is

about the conflict between my brother and i.

Communication is an indispensable part in our life because we meet and mingle around with different people in our daily life. A good communication needs mutual understanding therefore our way of delivery the message, expressing our thoughts and views as well as the management of our attitude are vital in order to prevent any misundersatnding and leads to communication breakdown.

My worst communication failure happens to occur between my elder brother and i. The event that leads to such detriment is still fresh in my mind and i would remember it for life. it is such a pain for me to recall everything because i am the one who induces the misundersatnding that leads to the inexplicable argument.

It happened on one gay evening in which my brother and i was playing and joking around like we normally do. My brother and i are really close since we are young. We fight a lot, we play together, we tease each other but we love each other dearly like any other siblings. Those good old days and my childhood are the most priceless memory i have and i treasure and cherish it a lot. Nonetheless, things changed because i made one mistake on that unforgettable day. My parents were asking for what we want to have as dinner because they were going to dine out. i told them what i had in my mind but there were this long moment to wait for my brother's response. i nudged him. My brother bound to be indifference hence i sort of raised my voice and told him to make his decision faster. i lectured him on how rude it is to keep our parents waiting for nothing but to concentrate more on the Play Station. Besides, i also provoke him by uttering that he is such an idiot for not being able to make such a simple and easy decision. My brother got on his nerves now that i sort of making him sounds like an inferior. He scolded me and asked me to just keep quiet. He walked away in angst and left me on the couch alone.

i was baffled by my brother's reaction because i had not see him in such unpleasure outrage and fury before. He had always been very soft spoken, polite and always give in whenever we were arguing. Even if we are mocking and teasing each other, he was never upset with me or raise his voice over me. He left me in tears a few moments later. How i wish i could take back my words. How i wish i could turn the clock around and alter everything. We have never spoken since then and it hurts me a lot to think of my unbearable mistake because we are not the same as how we use to be anymore. We seldom talk and i feel like a stranger to him now. Our parents are very well aware of our sudden indifference and ignorance towards each other. Although they did try to prompt us to talk to each other and communicate, we seem to have no interest in doing that because we were just too stubborn to give in as well as offering an apology to each other. After many times of attempt to reconcile us, our parents eventually leave everything to us because we were old enough to make the decisions and to settle the problems on our own.

It took me a lot of nerves before i start talking to him again after a long week of awkward silence. I know it has always been my mistake and the fault is on me to lead to such odd situation that changed my life forever. I know that even if we forgive and talk to each other again now, it will never ever be the same as before because the scar is there. I will try to communicate better with my brother every now and then because he is the only brother i have and my love for him is undying. I know that i have to make the initiation because he is stubborn to give in now as we grow older. He has too much of egoism in himself but i can tolerate with that because i have to mend things up before it is too late. We still care for each other and my brother helps a lot when i am in university, far away from home. However, there is still an unbreakable barrier between us because we have left the misundersatnding to prolong to such a long time before trying to fix things up. Nonetheless, I believe that there's still a lot of improvement can be made and i am not going to give up on gaining back what i have lost. I will try to talk to him more often by making him feel more comfortable. I will always try to compensate and compromise. I will never shout at anyone anymore regradless the person is older than me or the young ones. I promise to behave and change my rebellious attitude because it will only cause annoyance.

The event taught me of how importance it is to speak to others in polite manner and never irritate others directly but maybe to give advices and opinions later on so as not to cause any embarassment to any parties. It is also essential to apologise immediately if ever any terrible unwanted mistakes have been made that cause undesire argument. Besides, a good and decent communication can be achieve by the correct usage of language and the proper management of attitude. Moreover, when speaking in front of public, the delivery of informations have to be precised and accurate. I believe that the failure in communication in public is far worst than between friends or family members because it involves a lot of people with different background and statuses. Prevention is better than cure. Thus, think twice before delivering is crucial so as not to irritate any parties or conveying any inaccurate messages.

The Ugly Truth

it has been a while i didn't update my blog. well. too much of studies which i still doubt that i know a thing from it because basically i just read through and forget everything. that's my main problem of my learning/studying outcome and not forget to mention my addiction to facebook.

the other day, i was at the train station, waiting for the next 10 minutes about to arrive train to come and get me home, to my aunt's house where i can escape from everything that's so darn distracting in college. well. i was waiting, patiently with my heavy bag with all the books and clothes and notes and Mac in it. then, the train came.

OMG. the people were crazy! the crowd was crazy! they gone cuckoo and everyone just emerged from no where and cut the line, squeezing in between the people, young, olds, ladies, men, and they just dont care about everyone else as long as they got to make it into the coach with just one single door open though there're up to 3/4 coaches. the sight before me totally left me dumbfounded. the people here are so damn ugly. they could have dress well, they could have wear one nice expensive suits, they could have looked gentlemen, they could have looked elegant and beautiful but when it comes to this desperation, oh hey, let's forget all the manners and courtesy. What the hell is wrong with the world?

i was in the middle of this crowd, looking like a nerd with my Physiology reference book in my hand and just watched these people pushing against each other, yelling around, not giving a chance, no tolerance at all. and there was this guard, yelling at the frenzy crowd and i looked at her thinking 'duh....as if they are going to listen'. So, i give up. i spent the next half an hour waiting for the next train.

this was among the very early lessons i learnt about life. that sometimes, it's not easy to be a Good Samaritan. That sometimes, i have to fight for myself. i have to be mean to others and myself if i want something so much. Chances do not come too often in my life and when it slips, all i get is misery and remorse. The world could be ugly but i have to be beautiful to make it less ugly. i wonder how many beautiful people are left in this world? Someone like Barry (in Dinner for Schmucks). Gee. the incident totally make my mind blowing. it's still vivid in my mind. and the next train, i was push inside the specifically provided ladies coach by those behind. i was so afraid of the people in front that i barely touch them. there's the gap there and people should really beware of it. When are they going to learn to behave? just queue up people. you got nothing to lose. first come first serve. fair enough? yes. The world is never a fair place. but i choose to see things using different angles and perspective because that's how we live life to the fullest. you might lost something but you would gain some other things in return. God is always fair.

and yeah. so i missed the train out of my dumbness for trying to be good, polite, follow the rules and all. it's a life lesson. Got to fight for myself but still maintain my decency. The olds, the sick one, the unfortunates. duh. i have a lot to think, about people, about life, about the ugly world!

and i went for the much needed haircut. i feel so great about life. it's like it gives a new lease of life to me and i am full with driving force. it's so light. so carefree and i can jump and run freely without the messy hair. no. it's still messy. messy is just so me. anyway, i just love the new me.

it's beautiful

today is another beautiful and special day. it's 10th of October 2010. 101010.

i do really really really love my life and can't stop falling in love with it and it's irrevocable. though i do admit that i have my own 'emo' moments but that is when unexpected things pop out to make me the happiest girl around. and i totally forget all my sadness.

things, have got to start with my dearest brother. he gives me a handbag for my birthday! yay! and it's ROXY. it must have been very expensive. i feel so guilty but at the same time i like it so very much. as much as i like it, i doubt that i will be using it. i like it for the color and design but i dont think it's my style. hmm. i think i like it because it's from my brother. and i choose to like it. you know. because it's from him. it's from him. it's from him. last person i would expect to give me present. nonetheless, i will put it into good use and utilize it because i can have my brother along with me all the time. i suddenly feel deeply deeply loved by my brother though i know he always love me. quote from minhui : "i lost and i gain something different'. yes. i do admit that i'd lost certai things but now, it'slike i am gaining this celestial thing and it has always been what i'm looking for.

next, i will learn to take every misery and dissatisfaction as a booster for me to strive for a better, beautiful moments. i love to laugh out loud and i dont like knowing me, myself is sad over some insignificant things. i have to be happy everyday. i have to smile more often and laugh out loud. i am so lucky to have a few best friends around. ^^ i really treasure and appreciate and value them a lot.

*discovery of the day : S looks like Yoona! * yay!

i always think S is pretty. she is perfect. with the height and all.

My 19th Birthday

i am lucky ain't i?

i have been having 3 days straight of birthday celebration with different circle of friends and they are all very important to me and placed a special place in my heart. i am just so happy and grateful and touched with what they have done for me. they make me feel special and i feel recognized. i am now, a different and changed person.

the very first one was on 30th September. well. i am pretty surprised that they throw such a small party to me. i really didn't expect it at all. though, i did smelt something fishy is going on between them because they were whispering and sharing things and do not even include me, which is sad but totally tolerable because i just know that they're planning on my birthday surprise. therefore, i just played dumb all week long. duh. Minhui and Shiying must have been the mastermind behind all of it. both of them and a few other went out to Times Square in the late afternoon to get the cake and hunt for my birthday present. Then, Minhui tempted me to cafe in the late evening and i agreed to it because i was a little hungry. i didn't know about it at all and when i reached cafe, i saw a bunch of people there, the familiar faces, and i gaped and uttered OMG. Minhui definitely played her role well. And i didn't even realize Shiying was not in the room the whole afternoon. duh. i am too insensitive. and there went my celebration. singing, eating, snapping photos and all. i was just too surprised and happy that they actually spend their precious time for it. *touched* everything was just too awesome. i got a new white bag. i like it but it's kind of bulky, still i really appreciate it. then, i got a super cute and pretty birthday card. it's from one of my best boy friends around, Sam! i really really really like it. and i really appreciate his efforts to put on the shiny little thingy and tracing an 'EYU' on it making me the Princess Eyu. duh. He is really something. first time ever a guy had ever send me a birthday card!

the next day, i was having my second pre-celebration with my dear lovely buddy, Jiawen at Pavilion. i could sense that there's something fishy going on too and i was right again. all the grandbuddies were there and that there was one surprised which was i finally get to meet my super great grandbuddies in person and for real. well. he is kind of nice and good looking. he has that sense of maturity and charisma in himself. The night went well and i had a lot of fun, 'bullying' by them. though, it was definitely a night to remember too.

on 2nd October, which is my birth day, i had the celebration with my best friends at Wong Kok restaurant at Pavilion. i was actually booked by Huiwoon a few weeks before. the day was just way too awesome with laughters and fun and craziness and i truly savour every single moment of it. i really really really love my life and my friends. i really appreciate that they are willing to come over and celebrate with me. *touched*

well, i was trying to be different and yearning for attention when i started out a little competition on facebook when i demand for some interesting birthday wishes and dedications instead of the normally boring 'happy birthday'. well, a few of them played along and did a terrific great jobs. thanks again. i really really really appreciate the efforts and hard work that you guys had brought upon. some are pretty creative and special and interesting that really caught my attention. and the winner of the day is Rickkye, my best friend. he wrote me sort of poem thingy and everything rhyme so well. he must had spent so much of his precious time on it and i am touched for his efforts. i was near tears. he is just way too brilliant and awesome. everything is so beautifully written. and the words will last forever. =]

i am officially 19 now. there is so much more of things to achieve and i wish to live everyday happily.

redifinition

i do admit that i used to be an overachiever. now. i dont even know who or what i am anymore.

there's definitely something wrong with my studies. the way i am doing it. i do not even know what is the problem, what the hell had gone wrong with everything i have laid out for myself, my planning and all. i set a target for myself and i work hard for t. i did my studies but it's a futile attempt, again. it's not tough. it's totally do-able because i've seen in others. what makes them better than i am? not that i do care about the rat race but it's the matter of hard work does not pay all the time. i need a redefinition. i need improvement. i need everything that it takes to achieve what i have set. why am i not even like very devastated over it? why am i paying indifference towards it and putting on a laid back attitude? is it really an escapism?

i do admit that i already know the root cause. i am living in a deniable world. i lost my consciousness. i lost my sensible. i lose myself.

i do admit that i am envious of others. but i admire them at the same time. they're so brilliant. i take hard work to take in everything and they probably just see and hear once. what am i then? who am i to be here?

no. i have the interest. it has always been my driven force. spiritually motivated. i want to help. i want to change the world. i want to help every little thing that i could in people that come across my life and make them feel special. i will move on although i could not promise that i am the best around. i want to make the world a more beautiful place to live in. there's too much of suffer, agony and pain and it would be awesome to be a part in alleviating them. treating the patients at the same time with the disease. yes. i know i ahve the right to be upset but i am happy that i am still strong and confident enough to move on. i need to talk to somebody. i need my Mother but i keep on denying it and escape from my intention of pouring out everything to her. not that i want to worry her or anything but i want her to know that i am still okay and moving on. i will continue on fighting. i am not putting pressure on myself. yeah. maybe that's the problem. i did not push myself too hard instead i just go with the flow and take everything easily in indifference manner.

i definitely need to redefine myself.

but the thing i love about myself is that i am optimistic about all the bad and worse happening on me. i can still put on a smile, laughters and cheering around and just move on. because you'll never know what would happen next.

A night to remember

yesterday night was a blast and such a memorable event. it was the junior welcoming night for first year medical students and second year seniors are invited. well. i mean, they have to be there for it's like a night where seniors and juniors can interact and we are doing present exchange too. i got a bracelet from my dear buddy but do not think i will use it frequently. well. i will be trying my best to put it into good use i guess. i like it because it's very pretty.

everyone else was like so darn pretty and super tall. duh. i did not have make up on and i dont even bother to get a pair of heels. luckily i didn't wear my snickers there. well. i choose really not to put on makeup and buy heels. somehow, i feel abase. i always feel inferior whenever i am with people. oh there goes. that's one of the reason why i seldom join in the big crowd and choose to go for lonesomeness, sometimes. it's because i feel degraded in front of those amazing people around me and it's hard for me to deal with my transient emotional change, sometimes. though, i would still put on a smile and move on. it works better when the thing is undoubtedly unbearable. i would be faking. i always do that because i have always been in detriment because i have unlimited want and infinite desire. things that i am not even sure if they are mine and it always feels like everything belongs to others. it sounds odd aint it? it's like hypocrite.

okay. enough. the night was really memorable and enjoyable. i laughed hard and a lot. yet, bitterness lingers around. i sometimes wish and pray hard that i can know things beforehand. duh. i do understand the consequences of it. sometimes, it's better to be indifferent because ignorance is bliss.

i have been having this strong insane intense emotions and i always put on a smile, a fake bogus smile. sooner, time will cure i guess. i am listening to songs to help me deal with everything. and i have my future to ponder upon. there is always a brand new day. do not always dwell in the past and do cherish the present, anticipated for the future. XD

Bruno Mars-Just the way you are

Jewel-Hole in my heart

it's magical

a couple of days ago, i was like so over the moon because i have completed my task when i promised my brother to help him in essay writing things since i am so free and all after the end of second module exam. i was like so freaked out before that because i have promised him to try to complete in a day but i realized that it is no easy task because i have forgotten how to write a decent BM essay.

the next day, i was more determined and cracked my congested mind to really complete everything because i want to impress my brother. i could have done better though. however, my brother was really really really happy and excited and surprised and impressed that i have managed to help him in that particular assignment. he said it's amazing. he was real grateful i think. i felt so awesome and feel really great about myself because i feel like i have done something special, some more it is for my brother. i really feel a sense of inexplainable joy. it's almost magical. my life is really starting to make a turning point or rather moving optimistically positively forward.

today, i met with a couple of friendly and nice random stranger on the bus and faculty. it's such a bless. i couldn't really take it knowing that these people do actually care and mind to offer a help and anything possible knowing that i am merely a passerby. i feel like somewhat guilty and a need to be more helpful and kind towards as many as possible people. and yes, i am still holding on to that principle. sometimes, it makes me more determined when people are being impudent and disrespectful towards me. it's very painful and disheartening to see such moral decadency in our society nowadays especially in this big city. i will still offer a smile and a 'thank you' when appropriate. i need to make the world a better place to live in. and my purpose of still being nice even though i am ill-treated is because that i think it serves as a lesson and it gives an insight for that particular offender to ponder upon his/her doings. moreover, if both parties are like so stubborn to tolerate and give up, there will definitely be no cure in salvaging this lost world.

today, i somewhat was drifted into my own emotional (emo) world because i suppose i just got some enlightenment on my sudden swift behavior. yes. it's a part of escapism but it's more than that. yes. i do miss my old self sometimes. i need to indulge in my own world sometimes and not to get the attention all the time or anything. it's somewhat a painful to mingle with people knowing how their thinking and thoughts and personality is not to my approval, sometimes. there are time when i am still doubt of who i am, the true self of mine. it's like i have been faking my life all this while because i keep on having multiple mood on different occasions. i suppose i know the root cause of it but not sure if i am able to overcome this unhealthy habit. i could be bubbly and talkative sometimes but the opposite way the next second. what i am sure of is that i will take every moment because i own them and try my very best to savour every bit of it.

i love to laugh out loud. i love to be with people who can make me laugh. i love to be with people who have the same interest as me, those kind that make you feel as if we have been knowing each other for a long time yet eager to treasure more of it. i love to be with people that i am really comfortable with. i feel like a need to read minds sometimes. whatever it is, i will just let things work out on it owns because He must have planned out the bestest for me. i just want to be nice, humble and honest on who i am. i do have unlimited wants but it will be way so unfair to own everything knowing there are less fortunate people. therefore, i am going to make my loss and for whatever that i am not owning as a gain at the same time so that i am grateful always. though, i guess it's okay to pray and strive for things sometimes. so that He hear me.

Love

Quote from a passage of Corinthians.

Love is always patient and kind

It is never jealous

Love is never boastful or conceited

It is never rude or selfish

It does not take offense and is not resentful

Love takes no pleasure in other people's sins

but delights in the truth

It is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope,

and to endure whatever comes.

i have been liking these passage since a long long time ago. That's also when i fall in love with Nicholas Sparks i guess. and i reread A Walk To Remember again and will always be reading it again. and yes. Jamie Sullivan is the bestest character ever exist. and i kind of envy her.

Love comes in many forms. There could be love for God, the family, friends, animals, things and also definitely that special one. gee. speaking of this. yeah. that's totally my point of this particular post.

At the age of near 19, i have never been in love. i mean like indulging in a serious relationship with some special one, that special one that make you feel special, make you feel loved and make you feel not lonely even though there are a bunch of friends and family members around. yes. it's magical. i know that it totally gives a different feeling. you can fly anytime, without wings. you can go crazy thinking about that particular one. you heart is out of tunes, skipping a few beats. you forget how to breathe yet still survive with the presence of him. Of course, in my high school and college, i used to have a couple of crushes on random people. thinking of how everything works out, i feel like an idiot. i do not even understand or remember in the first place why do i fall for that particular one. eh. when i redo the calculation, i do really really feel stupid. why oh why do i spend time on these people? what have they done to me? i feel like wasting my time waiting for unanswered destiny.

yes. now. i am almost 19. i want to be in love. i want to be loved. why do i have this intense feeling now? first, looking around seeing peers indulging in relationships make it seems like it is totally a normal thing to give a go in a relationship. it seems interesting. yeah. i already know it is. it's more than having a crush. if your crush is having a thing for you too and i think that would be way too awesome. gee. i sound desperate i know. but i am going to finish my story. i think it's so gong to be a long post because i am bored and i have a lot to say. then, when i get back a couple of days ago, Grandmother was saying the love-relation thingy. duh. she was like totally not supporting me to be in any relationships because she's worried that i might abandon my studies and influence my education and so on so forth. my Aunt, on the other hand was saying the opposite things. opposing my grandmother. saying that she believes i can handle all these things well and totally support it if the time really comes. my Mother, on the other hand, just smirking. not giving any comments or anything. i come into a conclusion myself. if the time really comes, i will give it a try. the problem is.....i haven't found anyone (and if there's really someone will it be a mutual feeling a)nd i feel like a need to be in love. i dont want to grow old lonely. i am afraid that i have no time to indulgence in love when i am starting my hectic life as a doctor. so, i have come to my tertiary education now. is it time yet?

Love is patient and kind. Yes. it is. Patient as in testing our endurance, our faith. if it is true love, then i am willing to wait. just be patient. God mush have everything laid back for me and i believe in him.

It is never jealous. Yes. if i am liking and starting to develop a love for this particular someone, i should never feel jealous for whatever things that he'd done for evoking that jealousy in me. i should love him whole-heartedly. if it's true love. there should not be any jealousy. love is for sharing. it's like the love for God and Family and Friends. there's no such thing as you are the only one needing the attention and affection. everyone deserves to be loved and cared. but. yes. it is hard. even in the crushing-state.

Love is never boastful and conceited. when we love, or loved, there should be humility in ourselves too. because, who knows that someday, God take it away. we should love everything and God's creations equally and genuinely.

It is never rude or selfish. yes. loving equally and with sensible and rationality.

It does not take offense and is not resentful. this is so hard. jealousy and greediness are so hard to swallow at times. i am really trying to develop a nobility, sincerity, loving, forgiving and strong heart in enduring whatever comes. i should be reminding myself of how lucky i am and contented with my life for all the bad and good.

Love takes no pleasure in other people's sin but delights in the truth. gee. this is a little difficult for me to do self-interpretation. i supposed that we see sin as a way to improve the quality of life, no? we should treat sin as a lesson, taking no pleasure when people have done wrong and in awkward humiliating situations. i am really making Jamie as my role model. if only i see things as she did.

It is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope, and to endure whatever comes. Yes. that's what true, genuine, divine love is all about. two people, bonded and should be resilient in enduring their life together. forgiveness, trustworthy and strength are important in maintaining a relationship and make it grows fonder. love transcend impossibility, i suppose.

i really feel like a need to be loved. not that i am not now but i need someone special. shoulders to cry and lean on when i am down. supports that never cease. communications that never bored me to death and happiness in any form that make me feel like i am someone special, alive. i need someone to make me laugh out loud every day. i dont want a mundane monotonous lifestyle. i need someone to grow old with. i need a hand to hold on to when i am lost. i need everything that it takes to make life meaningful. we could do all crazy things together and i already have some of the things plan out. looking at my parents, i somehow wish that when i am old like them, there still going to be that sparks alive between me and that special one (lets cross fingers that i could really find one because i want only the best and one and only). maybe i couldn't see it with naked eyes. but my parents are one loving couple. oh. why do i feel like reading The Notebook again. Noah Calhoun is one nearly prefect boy and he will make you the world.

yes. you can say i am desperate. i ado admit it. because i am afraid of the time left. i dont want to die alone without knowing that someone special is loving me as much as i am loving him with all i could. i think i am ready enough to love because i love myself, God, family and all. i just missed something.

Quote from Ed Westwick : When i am in love, i am pretty much completely smitten.

p/s i have the courage to write this out partly due to two best friends of mine

speechless

I can't believe what you said to me Last night when we were alone You threw your hands up Baby you gave up, you gave up  I can't believe how you looked at me With your James Dean glossy eyes In your tight jeans with your long hair And your cigarette stained lies  Could we fix you if you broke? And is your punch line just a joke?  I'll never talk again Oh boy you've left me speechless You've left me speechless, so speechless  And I'll never love again Oh boy you've left me speechless You've left me speechless, so speechless  I can't believe how you slurred at me With your half wired broken jaw You popped my heart seams All my bubble dreams, bubble dreams  I can't believe how you looked at me With your Johnnie Walker eyes He's gonna get you and after he's through There's gonna be no love left to rye  And I know that it's so complicated But I'm a loser in love So baby raise a glass to mend All the broken hearts Of all my wrecked up friends  I'll never talk again Oh boy you've left me speechless You've left me speechless, so speechless  And I'll never love again, Oh friend you've left me speechless You've left me speechless, so speechless  And after all the drinks and bars that we've been to Would you give it all up? Could I give it all up for you?  And after all the boys and the girls that we've been through Would you give it all up? Could you give it all up? If I promise, boy, to you  That I'll never talk again And I'll never love again I'll never write a song Won't even sing along I'll never love again  So speechless You left me speechless, so speechless  Will you ever talk again? Oh boy, why you so speechless? You've left me speechless, so speechless  Some men may follow me But you choose "death and company" Why you so speechless? Oh oh oh

Note to myself

i am having a bad day today. sleepless night for no particular reasons probably for the fear that i am going for classes with blank mind and sickening mood. this is unhealthy. this is so wrong.

i didn't speak a word at all during the last pbl session for second module and i think i just got myself in trouble by not scoring anything because i could see that the fasilitator was scribbing things down and i know that she was making a tick or whatever it is for those contribute and i think i dont get a tick. i just sat rooted to the chair because i got the whole things wrong. my prepared answers did not answer to the questions given. i was cursing, at myself. i felt so bad and disappointed with myself again.

serious. what had gone wrong with myself? my studies is disastrous now. i do not even know how to fix everything up and i do not even know if ever i will ever get back on the right track. my life is a mess now. i used to be so hardworking then. what had gone wrong with that? where is that 'diligence' in me? long gone. goodbye.

i have been feeling uneasy about myself since i-dont-know-when. it's pretty hard to keep track with my irregular mood swing. i have different feeling about myself every single minute. however, i am so grateful and thankful to know that i am still comfortable with my character with my friend that i have been missing recently. it's like magical. it feels as if everything's okay even when it's not. though, sometimes i wish i am Edward. nonetheless, ignorance is a bliss. see, i am doing that again.

okay. Dear H,

from now on, you have to strive in scoring for your second module exam. education is important. some more, you are doing medicine. you dont want to be an ignorant, indifference, dumb medical student.

whatever that happen, God must have His plan for you. And for those coming events, need not to worry because He must have something greater and better for you. You just have to live through your life, happily everyday. take time to dwell in your own fetish/obsession but make sure you get your studies properly managed. what happen to your dream to become a qualified doctor that want to serve for the community with your own effort and interest? this spirit should not die out but to be enhanced and enlightened every single day. you have to remind yourself on that. (i have so many things pooping out. gee. i think i am s stressed out. gee. this is unhealthy.)

be good everyday. be nice. be humble. be happy. be yourself. do what you do, just keep on laughing. there is always a brand new day. do not let insignificant things to affect yourself please. you are mature enough to think of what to be put as priority. do not be lazy. do not think so much of the dissolve mystery and unanswerable questions. you are no Edward. do think of your dream. medicine. yes. this is what you choose. and you should have no regret although there are times when you faced with those inexplainable, insane stuffs to take note. it is important. just do your best. take joy in learning.

oh hell yeah. i should be reading this note to myself everyday.

the beginning

well. i seriously have no idea on where to start; everything. my studies, my life, my routine.

Brother sent me back to residential college in the afternoon. we went shopping for a printer before that though. it's so awkward. i could feel the tense with him around. it's kind of hard for us to communicate because we havent have any of decent, easy-going conversations for years. duh. nonetheless, i am very grateful and enjoy his company. i always think of my Brother as someone awesome and handsome. he knew the ways around and helped me set up everything and i just feel so blessed. it's enough for me i guess.

Gee. i miss home. i miss Mother. i miss Father. i didn't even feel any sadness when they left a couple of days ago because i was like so darn sleepy and i believe that somewhere down my heart, i was whispering that they should have left faster because i so want to get to bed after the goodbye and all. gee. what was i doing? now, i miss them dearly. is it because i am already used to the life here, left abandon, independent and all? i remember that i cried so hard when i was about to left for university. maybe, my tears reservoir had dried up since then.

i have so much of things in my mind. i dont know how to begin everything again. my life. my life as a blur, ignorant medical student. i wonder how should i face the people around me. wy do i have an odd feeling that people see through my soul. it's so freaking scary. it's like i did something wrong and they knew every single bit of it. gee. what was i thinking.

2 weeks. 2 months. is all it takes to turn my life an upside-down. i dont even want to know who i am anymore.

farewell

today went out for Yunlin's farewell dinner.

gee. friends were giving intense comments on how i have made a swift change in myself that i do notice too. nah. i think it's always inside me but i keep this side of me to my family because i am having a hard time to be what i am when i am with them. i used to be so quiet and submissive at school and occasionally talked on things that i like. i love talking on things that i am obsessed with. and some were saying i am in love. gee. yeah. i am so in love with my life!

however, i am pretty absurd seeing them surprised. is it a good thing or a bad thing to see me like this. i am just trying to savour whatever there is and make life at its best. laughing out loud, joking around, crapping around and living life. i dont want a mundane, dull life.

thus, i think i like the way i am now. and i dont even want to give a damn on their opinions because i am living my life.

talked a lot with Father on the car. and i was telling him i am just so happy with my life. there are stressful moments too but i am making everything to flow on smoothly and living my life carefree-ly. my Father understands me so well and i love him so much. thank you Pup. i love you.

when i am old

yesterday went to visit my grandmother and my only great grandfather.

i am happy seeing my family because everyone is in the pink of health and happy and there are kids all over the place and i seriously love bullying them and playing around with them especially TimMeng and her newly born sister, QingLin. when i first laid my eyes on her, OMG was the first few words i uttered. she's so pretty and tiny and i need to hold her in my arm. and yeah, she's so light! TimMeng is still very cute like always and i love talking to him! Grandmother is still so my Ah Ma. bold, tough, hardworking, funny and i just really love her! though she could be irritating in he sense that she's handling things the way i disapprove of but she knows the best.

it's a sight of amazement and divineness seeing babies because they are gifts from God. i feel so much of blessed. my life is perfect somehow excluding the emoness though i perceive that emoness adds in to the perfectionism of my current life still for an unknown reason.

then, before we departed, we went to visit my great grandfather. my heart trembled. my great granpa has to use a cane now to assist in his movement. i braced myself and talked to him when we were left alone. i am a changed man now. i know that previously i do not even know how to communicate with an olderly. what a shame. he's my only living great grandfather some more. so, we talked. and i hurt. i could feel tears brimming in the eyes and a lump too large to swallow but i braced myself.

i think he is a lonely man now. what was he like in his younger days? my great grandmother had passed away a couple of years back and how does he feel? what about his children? what about his grandchildren? what about his great grandchildren? everyone has got their own life to live and so do i. what about him? his life is pretty much mundane like what old folks typically do. sitting long hours alone at the corner and with their mind wandering nowhere. it pains me to see him and it pains me to imagine myself living sucha life because i now enjoyed a bubbly, lively life. there are so much more things to do and achieve. life can be long but planning is the only constraint.

i pray that he is happy everyday and the days left are filled with no regrets. Great grandmother should be there soon and it is just a matter of time. i do nothing to help. i care. i do care but who am i again.

silence

when nights fall, silence comes. there has been a discouraging silence since a very long time ago and i am used to it. what does being home signifies to me?

i am trying to savour in whatever home has at its best. everything is so great though i feel like i am spending more time on staring at the computer screen more than anything and anyone else. what has gone to my promise on nice warm conversations with my family? i know that i have got a lot to say and tell but everything's so blank now.

was helping my mother at the kitchen yesterday morning. and the later evening, we went for a stroll at the mall. i know that i am still me because i was literally jumping and running around. i am still me because i could talk and crap a lot and laugh a hell lot but when times come to my own moment, i totally restricted myself from having any contacts. i like to be alone sometimes yet i could be reactivate the next moment.

i believe that i am keeping too many things deep down inside that it doesn't fit to blog it out here. i am not sure whether i need to reminiscence it in my later life. it is something quite hurtful. and i know that i am selfish. i dont even know what i want best. i dont even know if my life is organized now. i dont even know a lot of things and i want to have a solid confirmed answer. anyone answering my calling? things have been bugging me and it's no good things. i so want to cry but it doesn't worth it. i just feel like bursting out loud because it's really annoying. i have so much of doubts. i have so much of pain. i have so much of uncertainty. i have so much of many others mind-boggling, flummoxed thoughts and feelings.

that's why i am putting on a smile everyday. that's why i need to laugh out loud everyday. i dont want to endure sad, sorrowful days and realizing that i have been wasting minutes and days saddening over unimportant things in which i have got of paramount importance things to ponder upon. i am thinking too much these days. i seriously need a break from some degree of surrealism.

today was a fairy tale

today was totally awesome. i am finally home after two months away from home which felt more like two years' time.

though, the waiting hours at the airport feel like eternity and there was a little chaos while waiting for brother to come as he was stuck in a heavy traffic jam, everything turned out well at the end of the day. talked a lot with brother today. yay! i love talking.

i met up with Huikhing at the airport and she totally saved the day because i know nothing about boarding airplane and so on so forth and she was there to help me all along. feeling so much of gratitude to her.

it's so nice knowing that there are people actually care about me. yay!

i am still listening to Justin. gee. love the songs so much.

missed

i was so surprised seeing my Mum commenting on my photo sating that i have changed a lot. yeah right. what sort of changes eh? is it a good or bad one?

i have been real close to my Mum and ever since she signed up for a Facebook account, i have become more addicted to it. i want my Mother to know me. oh well. it is a social networking site. i am so exuberant and excited everyday to see whether she's going to go online and leave some comments or messages and stuffs. and surprisingly, Mum admitted that she's addicted to it too. oh yay! i love you Mummy! that really brings a laugh to me.

i am so open minded on her sharing a part of my youthful life. yes.i do want her to be a part of it. let her know that i am really happy and that let her to experience the joy of becoming a young teen again. and i think she is one happy Mother. i dont want her to become bored. i dont want to let the distance torn us apart though absence does make the heart grow fonder.

it is so odd. i have been making calls everyday home. somehow, facebook commenting and messaging and stuffs bond us closer.

i want to go home. i need to get on with my studies. and i miss everyone home.

happily ever after

Happy Merdeka. Last night was awesome because my best friends remind me of why Avril is so awesome again. i havent hear Avril for ages and listening to her again makes me so darn happy and excited. we kind of celebrating Merdeka in our own Avril-way. yay!

then, i woke up the this morning and was so exuberant to go for Step Up 3. omg. it was so darn AWESOME and BREATHTAKING and FASCINATING and everyone is like so beautiful! they make me want to dance!

i am really starting to enjoy my life. although i used to think that my childhood is the most memorable and happiest moment ever in my life, i should have give my present its ultimate enjoyment and give myself a go to really relish all the goods and turns the bad into awesome. i want to laugh out loud everyday and craving a sincere smile whenever i could. i want a happy life!

not missing

yesterday was awesome. went outing with Huiwoon and Michael tagged along. My course mates were accompanying me there too and i really have to thank them for their sacrified time and energy.

i could sense that i am a changed man. i used to be so quiet and pessimistic towards life and i choose to change for the better. i love talking and crapping because i find myself really happy doing that. i am not sure whether people can accept the way i am now but i dont really want to give a damn about it because i have faith in what i believe is good.

nonetheless, there are times in which the laughters lie a hidden truth of my agony. maybe, i choose to laugh out loud about things and crapping around because i am really despair and dejected inside. there are much predicaments that i find it hard to voice out sometimes so i choose to resort to keeping to myself but at the same time faking a smile. laughters are real.

it's true that people's perception and expectation towards life altered through the course of time. so do i. at this stage of life, i choose to live a totally carefree life. it's like so not me because i used to put so much time and hard work towards study but now what i do is playing around and bound to be indifference towards my study.

besides that, there are more to invade my exhausted mind on my future. which kind of person i choose to be in the future? what kind of regret i dont want to reminiscence in the later day? which kind of joy and excitement i dont want to miss as i am still young?

yes. it is so hard living with so many of people around who are way better than us in term of so many different ways but i guess that's what differentiate us and there is need not a need to be envious of them because everyone is special. i have heard enough of stories and i had observed enough and to come into one slid conclusion that i am really contented with my life. i have to be because God must have his own path for me and i trust Him. i dont want to live a simple life anymore and i want a totally awesome life n which i could look back in the next 10 years and laugh out loud about it with a genuine smile ever.

being stupid

it's a flummoxed feeling. i am having a hard time.

i was so stupid today. the class was supposed to start at 10 but i woke up at 530 because i thought the class was at 8. i went to the toilet to take a bath and was wondering where the hell are the others only to realize that everybody else was still in their warm bed as i took a glance at the time table stating that the class to attend was only the 2 hours lab practical. the lab practical ended up boring as always. i always hated lab works. looking at the slide of numerous connective tissues but all of them appear as red pinky sea to me.

it is still hard for me to forget things easily because i am a perfectionist. yes i am. i admit that i choose to b an over-achiever but then i fool myself by acting smart. i ended up in misery then. it's really okay. i just need more time to figure things out and completing the missing pieces of my depressing week.

though, there are always things that could really made me on cloud nine. it was simple stupid thing but i have no idea why is that the effect is long lasting and that it cheered me up from my agony. i think i missed the caring and affection. yay. talking to Mum always help though she doesn't know what's the hidden truth of my dejection. listening to her always make me happy because i know that her love for me is undying and that i could trust no one but her.

it wasn't a bad day after all. it's Daddy's 59th birthday. Happy Birthday!