redifinition

i do admit that i used to be an overachiever. now. i dont even know who or what i am anymore.

there's definitely something wrong with my studies. the way i am doing it. i do not even know what is the problem, what the hell had gone wrong with everything i have laid out for myself, my planning and all. i set a target for myself and i work hard for t. i did my studies but it's a futile attempt, again. it's not tough. it's totally do-able because i've seen in others. what makes them better than i am? not that i do care about the rat race but it's the matter of hard work does not pay all the time. i need a redefinition. i need improvement. i need everything that it takes to achieve what i have set. why am i not even like very devastated over it? why am i paying indifference towards it and putting on a laid back attitude? is it really an escapism?

i do admit that i already know the root cause. i am living in a deniable world. i lost my consciousness. i lost my sensible. i lose myself.

i do admit that i am envious of others. but i admire them at the same time. they're so brilliant. i take hard work to take in everything and they probably just see and hear once. what am i then? who am i to be here?

no. i have the interest. it has always been my driven force. spiritually motivated. i want to help. i want to change the world. i want to help every little thing that i could in people that come across my life and make them feel special. i will move on although i could not promise that i am the best around. i want to make the world a more beautiful place to live in. there's too much of suffer, agony and pain and it would be awesome to be a part in alleviating them. treating the patients at the same time with the disease. yes. i know i ahve the right to be upset but i am happy that i am still strong and confident enough to move on. i need to talk to somebody. i need my Mother but i keep on denying it and escape from my intention of pouring out everything to her. not that i want to worry her or anything but i want her to know that i am still okay and moving on. i will continue on fighting. i am not putting pressure on myself. yeah. maybe that's the problem. i did not push myself too hard instead i just go with the flow and take everything easily in indifference manner.

i definitely need to redefine myself.

but the thing i love about myself is that i am optimistic about all the bad and worse happening on me. i can still put on a smile, laughters and cheering around and just move on. because you'll never know what would happen next.