terrified

it's the first time i see the beam of sunlight since i came back. and it's beautiful. it's definitely a beautiful day.

i just enjoyed my own moment of serenity and sedentariness the whole sunny afternoon in front of the idiot box. it's a little warm, cozy and i treasured my privacy and own space a lot. i can indulge myself fully and it struck me that i really want a different life in future. a complete carefree, stress-free and enjoyable life. but then, that would just make me an idle person who do nothing good on the earth but wasting enormous amount of energy and nature resources. i dont even know where do the passion and dedication gone. i think i just stop fighting for myself. i stop believing in myself. i stop pushing myself to go further. i lost all the faith and the battle is totally horrendous. it's still fresh in my mind,

i don't want to go back to studies. i just want to stay home and eat and sleep and help mum around and so on. and i would be the biggest disappointment if i do that. i seriously doubt myself if i am the right one for whatever that is about to come in future. i doubt myself that i will be able to surmount everything. i am broken inside. i can foresee myself as a walking dead body in the faculty and just live my life as if i dont have a clue about it. as if i dont give a damn. i really dont know if i can still go on.

what do i really want, seriously? at such tender age, am i too naive to make up my mind and to make such a big decision by not considering the consequences? i thought i already pass that stage but then it proves that i dont have the ability and capability to move on.