stubborn

this is my best friend here that has been helping me a lot to go through my devastation. i really appreciate her helps and all.

it has been one long devastating and hectic week for me.

i was experiencing one of my most unforgettable downfall and stressful moment in my life. as i'm inscribing this down, oddly, i couldn't even recall how does it feel at that particular moments of anguish. no. you dont want to know how it feels.

i failed my academic exam for the second time. this time, it's worst than the first. my heart was totally broken when i get to know the results. it was really shocking to me because i thought i did pretty well for that paper. i have more confidence this time because i read it thoroughly and i think that the paper is not really very tough because i feel like the answers are pretty obvious for some but i was so deadly wrong again. i have too much pride and vain confident in myself and i'm too conceited to admit my mistake.

i didn't sleep well for numerous nights. it feels empty. i feel like a dead walking body every single day. i have a lot of things rummaging in my mind. i tried to be strong and tough. and eventually i broke down one day. it's the stress and devastation that lead to it.

i talked to my Mother. and i told her everything since the first failure. i feel like a useless, disappointing being. i couldn't believe how my efforts do not pay? i did work hard for it but the grade signifies that i didn't do the studies and all. it was a terrible grade. and the thing is that only a few countable students failed. it keeps me pondering and wondering. yes. maybe i'm interested in medicine. yes i love it too much to give it up. but, am i the right person to do it? i ain't a good medical students. i can't cope with studies, really. the grade and results tell. i have a lot of hard work to put in and i already gave my bestest and that's my limit since the boost of my first failure. i did work for it and i don't get a good repay. do you know how frustrating it is? i cried, again. things have been real tough. i cannot cope with my studies. yes. i start to think that maybe medicine is not my thing. though, talking to Mother is really soothing. she understands my problem and she gives me a lot of courage to move on for my final semester examination. i move on eventually. i try to forget the torment for a few days at least because i know what's my priority. though, everyday, i hear my heart whispering that everything seems very surreal. i cannot believe that i get such a grade because i really think can do better not acing it but at least a good pass. i really dont know what went wrong. some more, seeing so much of them getting good grades really make me feel more ashamed and disappointed of myself. what went wrong?! i really hate to accept my defeat, this time, really. because i fought so hard for it!

so, here i am now. the important papers are over a couple of days ago and there's still one last paper to go. i talked to a friend yesterday. he doesn't know what i have gone through but i'm just asking a few tips on his studies because he is really a smart and fine guy. i am really captivated and respected his opinions and it makes me feel a whole lot better. he said that people are saying studying medicine in overseas could bring less tension and stress because what they do are more on practical thingy whereas the local one is more exam-orientated. there are pretty much theory thingy and some insignificant stuffs that in real life as a physician, those knowledge is not needed. he gave me a few examples of how excellent students could fail their practical years and hence that is not a good doctor. yes. maybe they can list down every single word from the first page to the last of a reference book but on application in real life, they could have freaked out and doomed. so, results do not signifies everything.

yes. it could be a sour grape case. but i am too stubborn sometimes. i like to skip unimportant, insignificant details and so i could perform well i think. i do not like to memorize things that does not seem important to me. yes.i could be wrong. say me lazy or anything.i admit. i am sill wondering whether i can really be a good doctor and whether this professional suits me. there are a lot of risks to take and explanation to make. i rally don't know what to do with my life. i want to do awesome things. i dont want a miserable life. i have a lot of wonders.