when i am old

yesterday went to visit my grandmother and my only great grandfather.

i am happy seeing my family because everyone is in the pink of health and happy and there are kids all over the place and i seriously love bullying them and playing around with them especially TimMeng and her newly born sister, QingLin. when i first laid my eyes on her, OMG was the first few words i uttered. she's so pretty and tiny and i need to hold her in my arm. and yeah, she's so light! TimMeng is still very cute like always and i love talking to him! Grandmother is still so my Ah Ma. bold, tough, hardworking, funny and i just really love her! though she could be irritating in he sense that she's handling things the way i disapprove of but she knows the best.

it's a sight of amazement and divineness seeing babies because they are gifts from God. i feel so much of blessed. my life is perfect somehow excluding the emoness though i perceive that emoness adds in to the perfectionism of my current life still for an unknown reason.

then, before we departed, we went to visit my great grandfather. my heart trembled. my great granpa has to use a cane now to assist in his movement. i braced myself and talked to him when we were left alone. i am a changed man now. i know that previously i do not even know how to communicate with an olderly. what a shame. he's my only living great grandfather some more. so, we talked. and i hurt. i could feel tears brimming in the eyes and a lump too large to swallow but i braced myself.

i think he is a lonely man now. what was he like in his younger days? my great grandmother had passed away a couple of years back and how does he feel? what about his children? what about his grandchildren? what about his great grandchildren? everyone has got their own life to live and so do i. what about him? his life is pretty much mundane like what old folks typically do. sitting long hours alone at the corner and with their mind wandering nowhere. it pains me to see him and it pains me to imagine myself living sucha life because i now enjoyed a bubbly, lively life. there are so much more things to do and achieve. life can be long but planning is the only constraint.

i pray that he is happy everyday and the days left are filled with no regrets. Great grandmother should be there soon and it is just a matter of time. i do nothing to help. i care. i do care but who am i again.