all i've ever needed

every now and then, at any moment in any random day, i would look at my life and my day and thought to myself that 'this is seriously not getting me anywhere, i am not doing anything productive, i am not doing something that bring any good, i waste so much time, i dont know what to do with my life, yada yada yada'. i know that i never stop whining about it but seriously, i need a space, a person or anything that i can pour this out, nevermind not getting any replies or words of courage because life's like this.

if i keep it inside, i think i am going to be more sad than i already am. 

sometimes, i dont even know who i am. i dont talk to nobody. i can just ignore my family. i can talk to nobody for days, my parents or god parents. when i need them, only then i ring them. i always think i am such a hypocrite . i know that they can provide me with so and so hence i only initiate to call them up for it. well, most of the stuffs i talk about with them are of superficially random boring things. i never ever touch about my studies. because i just hate it that much and i have no knowledge whatsoever in it. and i think everybody thinks that i am so darn awesome but the truth is that i am not. i dont want to talk about anything medicine and i dont want anybody to even mention a thing about it and ask me medical stuffs. cough and pain and tiredness. better get a proper medical consult.

i never talk about the stress life i have too. probably somebody notices but what can they do. i never talk about my feelings. it's clear that they never mention about several mystery and conflicts that was raised here and there that i heard about. and i aint going to ask them about those 'adults thing' too. it's just too much to swallow in with my already fucked up life.

and i despise people that are surrounding me sometimes. what's wrong with the people i met nowadays? y am i stuck with people who can brag nonchalantly about their ability, their success, their superiority? i aint impress at all. sometimes, i just want to shout shut the fuck up already or occasionally land a couple of missiles and attack them with my stories too so that these people learn to be more humble and show respects. the conclusion is that i cant trust nobody. i have trust issue.

the only thing that i want in my life now, i have already screwed it up a decade ago and it really pains me still. i try to make amend but we are all grown up now. things changed. running in the same blood and i seriously think that there are quite a number of things that we share in common. it was so incredible how it struck me that someone actually mirror me.   

keep calm because life's like this.  

Y.O.L.O

october was packed with exams and the long dreadful study week in between. birthday welcomed october but it didnt seem to contain the melancholic atmosphere and the monotonic posts that lie between the lines if i were to blog it the previous month so i reckon i probably just skipped everything all over.

so i went for a holiday in singapore just a couple of weeks ago. everything seemed better on the other side of the country. everything was almost perfect. everything was better. the road. the dustbin, htrees. the falling leaves. it did really baffle you how things are so much different with just a strait away. hah. that's just the 'kampung' me finally get to see the world.

it really just taught me that the world is such a bug space so if you cant fit in one particular field, there are so many more places to explore. it's a small country but it has so mch to offer.

enjoy a couple of mind-exploding roller coaster rides, just for the sake of fun. i just want to feel young, daring. that f8cking few minutes on ar when you are totally insecure and free falling and has no sense of gravitational feel at all. sometimes, it really feels awesome to put your mind and body go thru hell. #youonlyliveonce!

realizng that, i have so much more on my list to do. bungee jump tops the list. i have so many more crazy things to do too. the question is how passionate and committed i am about them. and who are going to be there to share that dream. will i have enough resources and time for them?

Dream

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MKfDwChOoHI&feature=related

emotionally attached to this song. it best depicts my life! :')
too bad i never really get to speak to God, literally. not sure if He knows, He understands and eventually He brings that pain into everybody ackknowledgement?
if i were to fly from the highest tree, it would be committing suicide.
i still have that dream, i dont mean to change the world but i am sure i could touch people's life in so many other ways. even if people doubt it, i am very sure there are a lot that i can do. i may not be saving life. we are all just trained and programmed to remember this and that and make decision. it has to be someone who are willing to go thru al the turmoils and tribulations. it has to be someone who is willing to do all the gruesome works, all the dirty works. someone who removes tumour, who fix organs, who improve your life.
i still have that dream, just not this. just think it was tad hypocrite when you cant even sympathize with those apparently healthy people, not patients' difficulties. Just see them as a good example of learning person, occasion conversation and ask about their well-being. sure, it's worth to see that smile and thank you but does that all define a noble person?

I was a little girl alone in my little world who dreamed of a little home for me. 
I played pretend between the trees, and fed my houseguests bark and leaves, and laughed in my pretty bed of green. 

I had a dream 
That I could fly from the highest swing. 
I had a dream. 

Long walks in the dark through woods grown behind the park, I asked God who I'm supposed to be. 
The stars smiled down on me, God answered in silent reverie. I said a prayer and fell asleep. 

I had a dream 
That I could fly from the highest tree. 
I had a dream. 

Now I'm old and feeling grey. I don't know what's left to say about this life I'm willing to leave. 
I lived it full and I lived it well, there's many tales I've lived to tell. I'm ready now, I'm ready now, I'm ready now to fly from the highest wing. 

I had a dream

Sincerely me

Dear God,

Again, I pray to You for strength and intellectual. I am praying for my friend, A also hoping that this friend will get thru the obstacles because apparently A deserves a much better life than I do. I pray that You bless the family and may A finds strength and courage in the journey too. A definitely needs more of those than me. Stop taking car of me but A instead. Sincere plea.

It's just one of those "insomnic" nights, again. Just end this chapter of my life already cuz I need a new chapter and new plot. Birthdays coming but i think it would be the most emotional birthday ever.

Freedom

I see people receiving key-necklace from the mum, dad, family or whosoever for their 21st birthday, be it gold, silver or platinum. It symbolizes freedom that their parents recognise, it also indicates maturity and most importantly it symbolise an adulthood that I think parents starting to acknowledge hoping the children will soon take up the responsibility. It has never been a tradition in my family though. Therefore, it kind of baffled me to hear friends after friends joining the 21 club with their valuably sparkling key necklace and ornaments. I never want that for my birthday. I would be more happy to receive loads of cash and to see adddition digits in my bank saving account. I think hard for my desire birthday present. Suddenly, i just find it very irritating to even celebrate birthday because i believe that to date, nobody can ever give me the bestbooth day gift ever. And it has always been the only thing that i ever i wanted. I am more livid to learn that actually I am the one who hinder myself from grasping that taste of heaven.  all I ever want is the freedom of making decision that I would never be judged and evaluated on and become the talk and gossip of the town. I know that it would upset so many people and god only knows I probably trigger sudden death due to cardiac arrest or just due to depression that they share. I want a free life, a free soul, no longer binding to any institution or to station to whatever that I am doing now. I want and need to breathe the air of happiness and carefreeness. U see, these are all very simple thing and they are free  no charges taxes whatsoever but I could never have them.

I have so many things to say but every time it always end with a no. No, I don't have anything to say and bye. The calling time has become shorter with each passing days and I found that I am no longer interested to share my stories and my what about or whereabouts because it just disgusted me. I have developed into becoming an introvert and bitter person. A very depressed and psychotic one. I don't even want to look them thru the virtual media. It just pain me and irritated me a little because I am making myself thinking hat they are the reason why am I suffering right now. It just agonised me because I want them to rescue me from these living hell but deep down, even though I occasionally voice up my problems, they bound to be indifference.

I am the most loneliest person in this world. 
you know youre loved by a lot of people and u have great parents but still feel lonely inside because nobody can ever give u what u need most. :'(

independence no more

On the verge of celebrating the 55th independent day.

At The end of second week of my OnG posting. 

I just notice that I've only managed to blog once this month, and this would be the last for this month. So many things have happened within four weeks' time and so many new thoughts and ideas have propagated from my daily observation and endurance. 

Well, I am going to only revise through the important historical event; the very first live birth witnessed with my naked eyes. It was miraculous! Well, could not really articulate how it was because no adjective fit. I am forever grateful and thankful and I definitely love and respect my mum more than ever. I salute all the mothers out there who have the courage to undergo that unfathomable labor pain and whatsoever else they were experiencing to give a new life. 

Secondly, I might die young and I might develop stress complications as well as other stress related medical problems from my hectic and stressful lifestyle. I am forever exhausted from the daily chores. I am a little remorse. I am very stressful. 

Thirdly, i burden myself with my frustration over the coming independent day celebration. When I first heard the slogan and logo, I was totally flabbergasted and was left agape later let out a sinister and sarcastic smile! Whenever people mention about it, what more with the theme songs and preposterous lyrics it has, I have to admit that this country, the government of this Country has gone real wrong and terrible. Can u not relate political stuffs and the significant of independent in order to propagandize your political appraisal for the imminent election in the coming month? Killing two birds with one stone? But how could a whole cabinet and ur so called intelligent and competent army not critised the selection of that slogan or is it your own idea? When People look back in ten years time, this is going to be a real laughing stock. For example, when u attend a history class or other civic classes and have to discuss bout it, and they just have to skip pver 2012 because u say not to bring political issue into school and university campus? Wtf?! How r u going to define *fulfilled promise* (literally translate) as all that r congested in my mind r political propaganda! all those years I was critisising over the mundane theme and slogan which never bring any excitement and creativity but to only circulate about integration And unity and progression of country stuffs. So they have finally decided to come out with something different this year which is really 'unique' and astoudingly rdiculous and I am now pretty disappointed with myself over my criticism for the last few years because they have obviously did a better job and that is what and how it is supposed to be. Words that articulate and justify as well as integrate the significant of independent in the young and old generations with our own interpretations but still everyone comes out with the same conclusion at the end of the day. Unity, peace with development progression. I love my independent now that I am free to write my thought here, free to sit on this chair and free to have a good night sleep later. 

hall of fame

i love watching talented people whether it's on screen, for reality shows or in any competitions.

just spent my last day before the mid semester break watching Step Up Revolution and dancing never fails to amazed me. i remembered having tears in my eyes again. i normally only get emotional watching movie and tv series alone. and i found that i enjoy doing most of that alone.

i love watching dancing even though i wasnt genetically programmed to dance! i love singing knowing that i cant sing, beautifully, having the voice that stiffen up one's soul or leaving an audience astounded  and earn a standing ovation. these flaws however never stop me from watching any dance shows or singing competition because a big part of me somehow wish that i could someday brace myself and walk up an international stage, fulfill my dream to touch everyone's heart with my talent. i want to hear Simon's precious compliment and his priceless mesmerized face. sadly, i wasnt born with these artistic talents!

i know that some work very hard for it. they go for dancing and singing classes. or some drawing class. however, i personally think that something is meant to be born with talent. they need not learn the skills but rather born naturally with it. it's a gift! therefore, i never even bother to attend these classes partly because i am not very serious about it or very determined. maybe, someday, something strike me and ring a bell inside that i am inspired to do something different. just maybe.

i love watching sports too and Olympics is the hot topic at the moment. there are so many things to learn from it. i never know a thing about any kind of sports or how the games are played. i never know the rules and regulations or the scoring check board for it. however, i can only conclude that every athletes are there for one purpose; they are putting their best foot forwards to do what they do best and are highly motivated to change their life. they do it for themselves, the pride and success and also for the country. not forget to mention to spot cute hawt hunks on screen!

these people taught me a lot of things. they are really good in what they are doing. and it seems like they are going to do it for a long time. they are successful and the pride of their respective country. i am constantly inspired by these people.

slumdog's story

is it even possible that one's moved to tears while watching the opening ceremony of olympics? there are a few elements in there that just twisted the on button of my tear duct and start sending shivers down my spine as a warning sign that an unlikely storm is coming. no. it was just a little tear jerking moment. i am touched by how the organizer is able to gather the bizillion people together as one to deliver such great performance, though i know that critics start surfacing within first half an hour of the telecast yet i have to give an applaud to Danny Boyle. Mr Beans totally stole and own the show. And i wish that they did a longer Queen's medley. :) and One Direction's rumor to perform on the closing ceremony. OMG. too much to take in?!

besides that it just brought me to the past, 4 years ago to be precise. Time passed so swift that 4 years do make a lot of difference yet there are a couple of things that are still the same. To start with, 4 years ago, i was just another high school goer, at that point still struggling to adapt to the new curriculum and new subjects at school. Still dwell in my own la-la wonderland on becoming a performer or do music or sort because since very young i always thought being famous is cool. you wear pretty dress, you have gorgeous hair and people recognized you and you have a bunch of money. that seems to be the only purpose i have in life. nonetheless, thats not all that i want. i want to do architecture, i want to serve in the air, i have so many different ambition that somehow i dont know why it all boils down to that coveted Dr which is cool in the eyes of other but it was a long and miserable journey.    

furthermore, i am more sad to think about those money spent on the event. -.- it's irrelevant but money matters really bother me so much recently. feel like joining the stock exchange market or broker or something to start earning some. i still have the young billionaire dream burning inside!

Conversation I don't want to miss

There was once a conversation that went like this,
Mum: have u ever really thought of what u want to be in the future? U have decided aren't u?
Me : no. Not really. I used to want to be a doctor but it doesn't fit anymore. I can't bare to see the pain. The empathy is killing me inside.
Mum: huh?
Me : all I know now is I want to earn a lot of money. Which profession earn the most? Any idea? U know, I notice that some people were born really rich. Have u seen the Hollywood people? Or those in the Ciral, they lived in mansion, have fancy sport cars, wear branded stuffs. How the hell did they have that much money? And I am thinking of doing business. Like daddy n Momma.
Mum: larrrr. Business can't guarantee a great success. There are risks to take. Furthermore, it's not easy to establish one. Being a doctor is more stable. U have a guaranteed job and u can help theele in needs. When else r u going to find tme doing goods? Isn't it like killing two birds with one stone.
Me: yeah mum. I know. It's a noble job but it freaks me out a little for the past few days at the hospital exposure programme.
Mum: it's okay. U have to think optimistically. Think of he pain as a mean to alleviate their further agony! It's not like the doctor cutting off the dead tissue is going to kill her, it's for her good. For better healing. U will be fine if u think that way. It's not even harming her.
Me: hmmmm. Okay. But doctors have fixed income. Unless u work in private institutions or u have a phd and u r a famous well known world recognized surgeon then I bet I can make bizillion. Yet, I don't think I will be able to do that. I haven't really thought that far. Let alone I haven't even get to enroll in med school.
Mum: well. It's not about money at all dear. The money can't buy u karma or anything.
Me: but mum, isn't it nice to have uncountable money? U can spend on whatever things that u like without having to think thrice. See how those people in the tv or magazines! They are like super rich weh. I still think business is good. Or actuarial science. I don't know.furthermore, when u have the rolling of money every single second, u can use it to help those who needs it. When u r the boss, u can have free time, go to see the world, the children in poor countries and lend them a helping hand. Isn't that the same?
Mum: I still think medicine is the best. For a girl. Business is like more on boys thing. U'll never know what will happen. What if u have no employment and all those. And nobody in the family knows anything bout business.
Me: okay. I will reconsider it.

This happened ages ago. And recently, it keeps on lingering in my mind. The past keeps haunting me and no matter how far I try to distract myself with other things, it keeps on coming back. Now that I am inscribing it down over here. I suppose I am going to remember it for a while. For life maybe, for it is one of the most life-changing conversation I ever had. And it's still lingering and buzzering in my head all the time. Whenever I'm feeling a little bit depressed and upset doing what I would be doing because I always reflect back to a second choice that I am not supposed to be thinking at this stage. Even though I promised myself to keep the positive energy, I couldn't restrict myself from throwing my congested mind into something I thought would be magical and truly 'life changing' if I just act now.

Is this always been my dream? So near yet so far.

I need a doctor

Okay. Having yet another informative and inspiring wardround with the consultant n registrars! I am again inspired by everyday people. These r people who just make u want to strive hard and work hard and study for your own sake, for others because knowledge is the ultimate key in medicine besides the equally vital bedside manner n compassion.

However, I was carried away, daydreaming in my very own the-secret way, attracting positive energy hoping to get an already qualified and knowledgable as well as passionate doctor-boyfriend. Okay. It was the exhaustion effect. I think too much . But seriously it would be nice to find someone who is willing to help u with ur study. TT

The show is down

I am having a hard time and melancholically getting over the fact that My favourite dance crew, PEZ did not win the champion of showdown 2012. I had so much confidence in them because week in week out, I had been watching the show and it's undeniable that they have the most creative idea, the most clean and tight dance move, the most exciting choreography and needless to say, they just outshine all the other competing crews. However, as the shows progress, I noticed that SoulGang started to pick up and I personally feel that this two teams are the real battle to watch as SG does give an awesome show! It is really disheartening when Hafiz announced the winner. I think it's stupid how ShowDown management make it a solely voting system and by judging on the battle between the last two still standing crews! It's preposterous weih. what happens to all the votes that goes into their production account? What happens to the last seven days votes as it seems that the only key point to be champion is by judging on which crew got the hogging vote for that four minutes battle? Dafuq?! Anyway, we never know if that's even the real results. In short, I am frustrated with the organiser. I am disappointed with he results because I truly believe that PEZ deserves it so much more since the very first week and how we arch them improve and sharpen their skill as well as redefine their moves and steps that make a super uber dope show that left you gaping and go OMG when the beats stop. I can't even remember which week did DLM came up with something that it struck in my mind and lingering around because at least SG did and I have to agree that they outshone PEZ on a couple shows. Lastly, I am proud that my cousin had been a part of PEZ and had work hard to put on so many amazingly breathtaking show for us! They are the champion in my heart and I believe so in many other Malaysians. Besides, who said the best will always get champion? Look at the other reality shows in the states, UK or Australia. It's like a curse.

The secret

It's the beginning of third week. I have seen a lot for the past two weeks which also marks the very beginning of my lifelong hospital life, of course unless I choose to not practice medicine after graduation. However, if the one month basic clinical introductory orientation like thing is taken into account on my embarkment of this nobel with a tad of ugliness profession, I have been here for one and a half month which felt like eternity because weekdays drag on too long and the hospital life is exhausting like a eight hour straight pushup and eight hour more swimming and followed by another 8 hours of heavy weight lifting. Is this the so called stressful life I have been enduring and lead to my irregular menses ? Could be. It still bothers me so much as it feels like I am not a lady with a vagina and properly functioning ovaries but why gives me breasts and girl-like feature in which I couldn't even have the once a month girl thing. Haha. Seriously. Asking for it cause I don't want to get any side effects from it especially the weight gain issue. I try to live my life as positive as possible! Starting my day with positive thoughts and having it chanting inside my mind. It's like the law of attraction. I am working on it when I stumbled across a video the other day on The Secret. It claims that some people are successful because of that secret. And it is none other than having a positive thinking and mindset. It works like magnet. You have to want and only think about positive and good things such as : I am going to have a great day at school/work. Instead of 'Please don't make my life miserable at work and school today.' it's like phrasing a positively correct sentence that makes the big difference. I am going to pass my exam instead of don't let me fail my exam! Some even said that you can write in on paper on daily basis and may the attraction of the universe does the work. It's really interesting because I was connecting it to religion practice. People pray to their respective God and 'asked' for things. Many times, we see how Grateful they are when God granted their wishes and answered their prayers. So is that how The Secret works? Or those believe in The Secret are atheist instead and only believe in their own self and their own mind as mind over matters! Basically trying to live everyday life by abiding to the secret too. I need to attract good things and emit positive energy and vibe! my doctors are going to have favor on me and therest of the team of course. I am going to pass my exam. I am going to go thru my hospital life happily! I am going to be fine! I am going to be energetic tomorrow! God bless.

Define short

Of losing temper

Coming to clinical years, among the things to prepared for and to solidify is your endurance skill, physical and mentally. I just got my second direct scolding from Doctor straight projected to me. Saliva bursting straight on my face like the sparks from a ferocious amber! I am actually well prepared for everything whether it's atomic bomb, missile attack or tsunami waves! I have seen people shedding tears from the public humiliation and scolding from the doctors before but I guess I am just that kind of person who is hardened inside and stubborn with a tad of arrogant. Most of all, i m tough. Sometimes i just dont give a damn on what people are gonna say about me. Like how a couple of times Mum is judging me on things and accusing me for things. I just get really fed up to even explain myself because sometimes it is really saddenin to know how people can make bad assumption about you. I do have respect for the doctors but I love myself more and I know that she/he is just a doctor, working the asses off at and night saving lives, scarifying themselves which is noble. It is really okay if just on a random moody day, I am so unfortunate that I fall as the victim. It's really okay because I still have a life besides that seconds/minutes of anguish. When they fired the ugly words at me, I would look straight into their eyes, with full concentration, digesting and at the very same time, playing in my mind, a picture of them in a different settings. The Flinestone era, Gaga's music videos, or I could just visualizing them how hideous they are for all those inappropriate yelling. Not to say I'm not at fault but yeah, I admit my wrongs and idiocity but exaggerating is really unnecessary. You are already look old with the stres and workload, and yelling and scolding at us aren't going to make you look good but worsen the situation. God knows how much cells are dead by the time you finish and wrinkles Permanently form. But, I really enjoy the sarcasm! If only it wasn't directedly at me! Teehee. Outstanding senior doctors, have really a great sense of humor aka sarcasism which I thought only seen on screen like the fictional Dr House but apparently, He lives in every doctors! Which is Fun but insane for us medical students to take in. I have seen course mates posted regarding the quotes from their respective department's doctors and that's why I come out with that conclusion. seniority is directly proportionate to sarcasm level! Anyway, I know all the scoldings and yelling are for my own good. Need to reflect on my wrong doings also. And Idiocity. But I really he I can be better and may good luck pour on me. I wish I appear like-able to doctors! Need to and I need help from karma.

the C word

Which year are you in? it always took a longer than 3 s to utter 'third' because i still cant believe how swift time had passed and how hard i have been struggling for the past two years to make it into my third year of medical student life.

the blog has been on an imminent hiatus. i have been away from town for a Professional and Personal Development camp in which we as the meds student here in UKM are required to attend 3 camps in total thruout our 5 years course, the first, third and fifth. The history repeats again when i, again, no, my group had managed to secure the best group and the all round Champion! Gawd. sometimes, i couldnt even able to accept all the good luck i had been lavished with. I had been randomisedly grouped with different coursemates and finally got to see new faces. Can i, my group do it again if and only if i make it to fifth year? lets keep that a challenge! and a promise. Keep calm. Move ahead.

i have been trying to adapt myself with new study method with friend. it makes me miss my old friend a lot and i was thinking Huiwoon could have been a good study partner to me. i need someone who can motivate me to study, to push me and most importantly the chemistry that we have. it still feels a little awkward with my study partner here although she used to be my room mate and we have numerous same sessions and in the same small group together for a countless time. it just feels like we are laking chemistry or something. but i am glad that we are able to teamed up and hopefully this is going to help me in tackling my exam.

and i always hate clerking patients who are diagnosed with cancer. the common thing they share, besides the presenting symptoms despite the different type of cancer is the melancholic look on their face and a blind could have recognized it from the way they behave. it's painful for me and for them as well. who would have love to hear themselves diagnosed with the dreaded C-word. even if it was a benign tumour growth, i wasn't very much convinced with the word benign despite all the statistic and prognosis. but my job now basically revolve around clerking patient, talking and smiling. feel very much like a hypocrite.

i mean. i could be smiling and talking in a decent manner with them, just so i can play my part and complete my task in the logbook but what then? at that moment, i would emphatised and sympatised with their misfortunes (some that can move you to tears because it remind you of your old parents and deceased grandparents, some can make your heart sank by making you grateful for what a wonderful and blessed life you've been living in). afterwards, i would come back, facebook, sleep, study a little, youtube and enjoys my life, though a suffering and stressful one.

it's the powerless and helplessness that bothered me so much. Atheist would have asked God why create cancer? Why create suffering? The same that Gautama Buddha asks. And, what say me? Did i go thru journey of enlightenment like what Buddha does? i doubt. i have a lot to do. complete my studies, earn money, pamper my parents and all that. so, someone asked me if i consider myself as a religion person. No, i answered. (but im not atheist) How do you expect me to be religious when i dont even understand all those mind-boggling thing about life and religion itself. Just do good and the karma will take care of the rest! :)

blood ties

 i just get back from drawing blood for screening for Hepatitis B. this is the first time ever, a needle is pricked into my left median cubital vein (the common one underneath antecubital fossa, the part joining ur upper arm. and blood is sucked up into that tiny little syringe. well. not the first probably but as i am aware of since postnatal period. i have the fear of the pricking of needle!

and it was a stupid fear. it didnt hurt at all. it wasnt as painful as i thought it would. i feel like banging my head on the wall for the stupid concept and thought that ive made up since young and i have lost a generously lot of opportunities to donate blood, growing up. it is such a selfish thing. and i have the whole twilight-vampire struck thing going on in my mind again. Edward would have skipped it and fake a blood test.  

well. when i got to the auditorium just now, after screening for the available doctors on duty, i have actually picked up a few that i want. and there's this one doctor who doesnt deem 'professional' and efficient and effective, to me. let's called her Dr.U you know how ugly i am/human being is for the constant practice of making assumption of people, by judging just based on the humble appearance and modest look. slap. shame on me. She is the most skillful of all the doctors present! she managed to withdraw the students who had small, not obvious veins that a few doctors had failed to withdraw and last resort was to seek her help! i am amazed and ashamed at the same time.

mind over matters. i tried to fool myself, continuously chanting and mumbling that everything's gonna be okay, it is nt painful and yada yada yada. being the stupid and easily deceived me, i managed to flashed my smile and greeted a Good Afternoon when my number's summoned. and how irony it was to turn out to be Dr.U herself. i could still remembered how intense my heart was hammering OH NO! before i actually recognized her expertise.

things happen for a reason. in fact, for many reasons. She's actually nice and friendly. and she told me that i have such big, prominent vein that she suggested me to go for blood donation. i flashed my friendly, hypocrite smile again and said i would consider it. (if only you make it less painful, far different from my imagination) and it just took her less than a minute for the whole venipuncture procedure. i was watching the whole thing myself. seeing her pricked in the needle, seeing thick dark blood flowing, filling the syringe. it was not painful at all. it was far beyond my imagination. it feels great because i smiled and thanked her and vowed to sign up for blood donation when opportunities strike, next time. 

i was just thinking that if only i knew, i could have save lives earlier. it's never too late anyway. i am determined to fully utilized the gift that God has granted me. my anatomical structured vein that make me a good candidate for blood donation? why not. 

 

Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS)

PCOS is a condition in which there is an imbalance of a woman's female sex hormones. Copyright © 2012, A.D.A.M., Inc.


The symptoms for PCOS include changes in menstrual cycle. Changes as in you may experience amenorrhea (absence of menstruation, for months, on irregular basis) or after a few months, the cycle gets normal. In addition, the number of days of menstrual flow could be irregular too as well as the amount itself. it may gets heavy at times and some cycles may prolong for more than 5 days or less.  This is due to the imbalance of estrogen and progesterone (the female hormones) in your body, imbalance as in it's either too high or too low, and not of normal range. In simple words, on the first 5 or 7 days of your cycle, the endometrium wall sloughs off, this is the menses. Estrogen (produce due to the release of follicle in the ovary which slowly grow into ovum) level slowly rises since the first day until the 14th day in which ovulation (release of egg) occurs due to a surge in lutenizing hormone(LH).  the growing follicle release the ovum and degenerate into corpus luteum and produce progesterone. so, now, your progesterone levels slowly rise. Under the influence of estrogen and progesterone, the endometrium wall continues to thicken, to prepare for implantation and blood supply of your foetus. However, if your ovum are not fertilize on the 14th-15th day, the corpus luteum eventually degenerate and cause a drop in both progesterone and estrogen. so, the drop in both the hormone actually cause the sloughing off of endometrium wall and your menses begins. it is another cycle! 


Next, the symptom includes an excess of male hormone and possess masculine characteristic notably hirsutism (excess hair), acne and deep voice under the influence of excess testosterone. testosterone is derived from cholesterol, synthesized in the body or from the diet. testosterone gives rise to the female hormones just now. so, i was just thinking that the high testo cause high estro, and we need a low estrogen to trigger the menstruation. and a high estrogen also inhibit the production of follicular stimulating hormone to trigger the growth of follicles hence the egg production. therefore, ones with PCOS has infertility too.


In addition, one with PCOS have the symptoms of gaining weight easily. they might appear overweight or obese!




Guess what. i have been having the sign and symptoms of PCOS since forever. i thought it was the stress that cause my irregular menses but then when i was in the obstetric & gynaecology (O&G) clinic, [clinic is where i get to learn the most, even get to palpate a few pregnant ladies today. but clinic also signifies eternity standing and straining of my back] a girl presented with such condition and PCOS was the diagnosis. And her presentation was exactly the same as mine. i have irregular menses and i havent have my period since last chinese new year! this is not the stress i am very sure. do i have hirsutism? probably but not so very obvious like growing the mustache hair. And i defnitely have mild acne problems. it could be diet though. And lastly, i have weight problem. no wonder i never lost weight and always that heavy. haha?! expect to lose some weight with my binge eating and gorging of food? 


gawd. i think i am seriously in big trouble. do i need to go for checkup too? but if the diagnosis is also PCOS, i would probably have to be on hormone therapy. i dont mind being infertile though. it's not as if i am having kids or planning to at the moment. the weight problem and acne thing bothers me a lot though. actually i have been ignoring this problem for a very long time that i couldnt even remember when. now finally get to know that my presentation has been about PCOS. i feel sick.

book of tomorrow

spend my day watching Grey's Anatomy. now. it seems like everything starts making sense already. and everyone (well most of the main characters) has been on the department of surgery and no wonder there r no people from other departments like radiology or psychiatry. because it revolves only Surgery. they are trained to be surgeons from that very first season, starting from the first year internship to residency (registrar or resident), fellowship and attending (consultant). gawd. i feel like watching season 1 all over again.

instead of opening my books and start studying, i am still exhausted from everything. mentally and physically. i am such a pig. i sleep early and still wake up late in the afternoon.

i like watching GA so much. last semester break, i read on Cecilia Ahern's latest Book of Tomorrow. theres a lot of quotation inside and her words move me a lot. she mentioned that she thinks that it seems as if the books are picking on the readers not the other way round. books that come at some point of your life to give you an enlightening on matters that are revolving around you. and i couldnt agree more because the moment i finish or halfway thru, i believed every words she said in the Q&A section. Book of Tomorrow just came by my life at the right time. and watching the last few episodes of GA give the same impact to me as well. Yang has to be my favorite character. she's so much like Blair. full of sarcasism and confident. i can really laugh out loud. but on the season's finale, i especially like what Dr. Callie's saying about how life can be miserable at that moment for you (was referring to Dr. April kepner who just failed her board examination) but eventually everyone goes thru that dirt of life just like hers, it was a tough life full with ups and downs (lost her husband and stuffs) too but she's now happy and enjoying her great damn life. there are still a lot of inspirations from GA, like Meredith's. maybe i will just save that for next time. 

anyway, i should really stop pampering myself with my insane materialistic needs. i just bought myself a really cute minibar and i think i just opened the fridge door for like a thousands time a day. i feel like getting myself pretty clothes and cute(and comfortable) shoes. i should really repent on my relentless spendin.
  

god must be crazy

there is a humongous lot of things running inside my mind. it happens when i start to stop blogging for a few days and left my blog in a hiatus. it is something that i wish to keep as a consistency but sometimes days went off meaninglessly while some day brings a lot of insights. and some random day, you just cant seem to get access to internet although your mind has been actively pouring out every possible ideas on what to blog.

i shall probably start this post with my gratitude towards that omnipresent power, that omnipotent force, that Almighty Creator. now i fully comprehend the saying : pray like you've never prayed before. i have  experienced that. i was holding the incense and mumbling to the sky, to a plaque, to a statue and sudden tears start to well up in the corner of my eyes. and for a second, it was a total blank. a complete lost in thought and you are lost of words. you dont even have to say your prayer because deep down, you know that He knows. yes. you can stare straight off into the space, the whatever is pictured or reflected before your eyes but you know He was there. cant see it but you feel it. i never believe in burning the joss sticks and paper for the offerring to the Goddess or the deceased but it was more on tradition and culture. and of course, because my parents ask me to. at this moment, i was connecting the dots backward and trying to complete the mystery and my doubts. and i just couldnt believe the magical and power behind it. it's faith. i guess all things happen for a reason and for me, it just proved to me that there are really things that are beyond the visibility of our naked eyes and whatsoever science that cant prove it and the fact that i am doing medicine and not supposed to believe in any illogical, no scientific prove 'bullshits'. i just couldnt afford to give a damn because i have faith. and faith transcend possibilities. 

i am really thankful that i have made it thru this far. i am officially a third year medical student and it really wasnt an easy journey for me. i know that difficulties lie ahead but i want to make it thru again, no matter what turmoils lie ahead so badly because what doesnt kill me just made me stronger. it hits me that i want to really work hard this time. and i am really truly sincerely serious about gaining the knowledge. i dont want to live a simpleton life anymore. He has made me go thru a lot of hells but somehow, i dont know what He did to me that brings me to heaven and i love Him more. reflecting back, even if it's just mere luck, i guess there must be something 'controlling' that brings you that luck. and the same goes with the bond and realtionship with people that tie you together.    

and now it was really an exhausting day for me. i walk like a thousand miles every day, to and fro hospital. my legs feel super sore and ache so much. guess i was complaining too much while there are many who are in obstetric and gynaecology posting suffered more than i do. perhaps i should lessen my walking back home on interval between classes. gosh. never forget to mention the unending hours doing ward rounds with Miss/Mister (Surgeons are addressed this way) and stand rooted to the ground for eternity listening to the bedside teaching. it is undeniable that third year and clinical years are supposed to be more intriguing and challenging. we finally get to practice, to observe, to see with our very own naked eyes on the presentation of illness of patients which supposedly help in our understanding and tackling exam questions. but it is really stressful to know that your fundamental and basic is not solid enough that i fear someday this 'empire' i am building will collapse even though now i am trying very hard to reconstruct it and remodify the base hopefully with the help of a few contractors and engineers and architects. it really hits me hard this time that i want to study hard and smart and know things because now, it's Homo sapiens that i am dealing with. i just hope that there are no more second thoughts after all of the wasted time. frankly, there isnt any detour left for me. i am stucked here and instead of thinking a way to get out of my 'mistaken' route chosen, i better off walk till the end of the tunnel. i just want to see how far i can endure all the agony and setting my threshold of stress higher, day by day. and hopefully one day, i will become a better person. 

well, seriously there's still a lot to blog about what i have seen in these few days in the wards. trust me. it doesnt get better every day. it is really painful to see sick people. and you cant do a thing to help them. worse, when you try to seek help from those who are suppose to help, they dont even give a damn. 

a little bit of love

hah. so how is this? :D

thoughts?

they say that taking picture of oneself aka camwhoring is an act of self-loving. hah. okay. it's more on vanity.

my face looks super round right? my father was so adamant about me going for the haircut last couple of weeks. he claimed that i wont look "pretty" with short hair. just nice with long hair, the one i always wear myself as, dry, messy, unkempt and well, just plain messy and boring. yeah. so i am beautiful in my father's eyes. so mum was like, okay let's see how 'not-pretty' she is with short hair. and that took another few days before we eventually hit the salon.

well. i often do not like to take any side whenever they bound to have different opinions about things. like how mum always nag Pup to drive using a different route for just a 15 minutes ride. and how Mum would complain about Pup bad habits of random-placing of things. Of course, Pup would take revenge whenever he has his chance and moment. and if i were to present, i would just shut my mouth. none of them are always right about their own stands.

i guess it happens in every relationship. they are doing just fine. three kids and have their own careers and plenty of leisure time. and growing old. but i think i used to blog about relationship thing before on how difference relationship goes from the dating until marriage until the kid comes around and the kid all grown up. the spark they use to share seems to evaporate thru the course of time. inevitable, ive never seen them dating together and wonder if it was like those i watch in movies or read in novels. i detest seeing young couples hovering and lingering around the public place. i dont know why but sometimes it was really an ugly sight. therefore, i would really love if my parents spend their time to read The Wedding (Nicholas Sparks). not just my parents of course, to all those aging parents who lost that little something in their relationship. the book sends a great message and it has to be my favourite if i have to choose one. and today, it really warms my heart to see an old couple, holding their hand tight, the woman clutching to the man as if it was their last day of earth. and what surprise me is that they are of different ethic-the one who wear head scarf. i think i just witnessed the definition of true love.  

back to my hair, my father cant stop laughing and teasing us after we got home from the salon. Gawd. He can be really childish sometimes.i just give him the dumb and i-dont-find-it-funny look. i think he's just teasing my mum's cuz she got her hair shorter than mine, like the one you see in the 60's, 70's. i dont know. like she had just walk out from the 60's movie. anyway, i think i would go for a little trimming in the next couple of days because it has grown faster than i  expected. furthermore, it's too thick at the back.

Bersih vs The Hunger Games?

one of my friends posted a status linking bersih 3.0 to the hunger games. i think that is brilliant!

supposedly Dato' Ambiga represents Katniss, the symbol of Mockingjay, a symbol of rebellion. President Snow is our 'respected' Prime Minister and the Capitol represents the Ruling Government. Bersih is the Uprising of the people in the 12 districts/14 States and all around the globe. this is our battle and we have to fight it to gain justice and right for ourselves! well, can i just say that Anwar represents President Coin? the whole District 13 of course have to be the joint Opponent Parties. Pak Samad has to be Finnick Odair. ha-ha. The one who helps Katniss out in her time of troubles and i cant seem to associate Pak Samad with Peeta or Gale because of the romance part of it. who is Rue, then? Baharuddin Ahmad. Three fingers crossed out for him.

i have a lot of thoughts on the recent bersih rally. i fully support the course and objective of it but it's saddening to know that at the end of the day, it turns out be be quite a chaos, involving blood, tears and flesh. the brutality shown was really frightening. did the participate-Malaysians posed any terrorism or threats at all to the public and to the country? i have to concluded that PDRM really has to take responsibility from the incident after reading so many of the responses of the participants on their battleship-like experience. there are enough sources and informations on the internet and on the logics and reasons behind their stupid shooting of water cannons and tear gas at the mass crowd. it seems like they are just trying to make it a mess (start out peacefully and calm which is something i am really proud of but it seems like there are people who just wanted to start the spark and cause the ferocious fire so that they could put a blame to someone and hence misleading the people again) just because of the minority irresponsible and aggressive protestors (the culprits behind it) could have been controlled with the smart-looking, fully uniform brigade of polices who were on duties. why shoots the tear gas to disperse the innocent crowd who are not even close to break the barricades or the one seeking refuges in the shop lots? lastly, since Home Minister already acknowledged Bersih 3.0 rally as a peaceful assembly, why the hell are there road blocks and police everywhere near the vicinity of gathering point (which has been banned by the city council for preposterous reason. come one man! Avril Lavigne had her first concert there too a few years back!) the taxi driver who was with me yesterday even questioned the reason behinds the roadblock that only cause massive traffic jam  because apparently, people are still able to ride on their motorcycles and on foot to get thru the fancy red and white blocks. so why the hell even blocking if people are still able to get into the city centre? pfffft. i might take side but we need a change. let's give them a chance to prove whether their promising  propagandas and promises are to be fulfilled or not. we would never know.

may the odds be ever in your favor. :)

the next train

KTM service is totally sucks. with all the money that they stuffs in their own pockets, fending the children study overseas top universities, having the luxurious of driving the-beyond-expensive sport cars, hire driver to drive around in a Benz or BMW because these people never take public transport in a lifetime. so why the hell should they care about the people? the throng of people that stand butts-to-butts, leaving just centimeters for air and whenever you turn around, you only see hue colors of skin n fancy color hair. you cant even breath fresh air because the sweats are lingering around with the smell of frustration and jadedness. and then there was this voice that keep you update on trains arrival but i wonder if she ever went to school or ever watch the clock or even heard her own reports and maybe possibly she lost a numerous minutes in interval because her 7 mins suddenly change into another 7 mins after 10 mins and her 3 mins change to eternity. well. she should have just give us a notice after every traffic updates that PLEASE BE INFORM THAT THE TRAINS WILL NEVER BE ON TIME. DONT GET MAD AT ME. I AM JUST REPORTING FROM THE WRITTEN MONITOR. (laugh a little) HEH, YOU KNOW YOU CANT BLAME ME BECAUSE THOSE THINGS ARE NEVER ACCURATE. (bell rings) HAVE A SAFE JOURNEY THOUGH.

One funny incident was that when the first train arrived, these people who have been standing and waiting like a statue suddenly make a swift move and eyeing on the entrance into the coach. the ladies coach. gawd. it was crazy. it was ridiculously crazy. i wish that i could hashtag the only-in-malaysia thing and tweet around and i bet people, specially the citizens would agree. they moves a few steps faster, pushing people away and i feel foreign touch and push and quickly make way and just watch these crazy and desperate people squeeze themselves in the 3/4 foot entrance. believe me. this is the second time probably iever see a thing like that. i should have take my camera and snap that epic moment because i saw a flash of light, turned around and see a super cute foreigner just snap a shot of it. then one of them asked "where are they gonna go?". wow. i was suppressing my smile. in fact, i want to laugh out loud about it. call me stupid. i am never ever going to do the same thing. i would always be the one who stand behind, just watch a good show, never take a chance to make any attempt squeezing and racing with these people to catch that train (although i desperately need to get on one as soon as possible). i will never attempt a push, a rush, anything that practically portrayed an uncivilized Homo Sapiens. i just missed the train, again, but did manage to hop on the second one and while waiting still having my mind lingered on the incident just now which was a really good stock of laugh/shame of typical Bolehland in the eyes of foreigners. there's always a next train. it's not as if that the one last train to a safe territory in the brink of apocalypse peeps. pfffft.   

lonle

all these time, i thought that i am really okay with being a lone ranger. a lone wolf. because i really dont like to socialize. like, even if i dont like people, i have to pretend how happy and how fun it is to spend time with them (though there are fun times undoubtedly). i choose to distant myself from people because (yes i probably have mentioned this many times) i just simply dont trust people. secondly, i dont want to be a hypocrite. thirdly, i am just really happy with family and a few awesome friends that are really close to heart. i really thought that the world will keep on spinning even if i dont know these people and i dont desire to make any steps closer. it just dawn to me a couple of weeks ago that i used to have 'friends' who are pretty close but then i dont know what happen that we become so very much distant. i still cherish the moment we spend in the past and i dont even know what have gone wrong that we havent keep in touch for years. those are people that i want to keep in my heart but things seem to change now. i think the problem is on me.

at this moment, i am feeling dead lonely than i have ever felt in years. i have lost a brother 9 years ago. now, it seems that i have lost the entire family too. really. at this moment, it seems like i am an outcast no matter where i am. and it really breaks my heart. it could be it's only probably me who thinks that way which in fact they are always there for me but i am speaking of a different kind of loneliness. not the lack of accompany kind-which i really dont mind, but an empty feeling.

A-lined angled bob

having that haircut sort of giving myself a new lease on life. when u r willing n ready to let go of that dreadful long Rapunzel-like hair, ready to face yourself in the mirror with a shorter black hair, it's an accomplishment for me. only, i get myself Xandria Ooi's hair. it just happened. i dont even know how. i am a very "visionary" person. i know what i want but the think is that i wasnt imparting my idea correctly. sure, i tell the hairstylist how i like my hair to be styled out but i guess that she cant even go into my mind to envision what i see myself as-that cute Rachel McAdams' bob in The Vow. End up, i got the Xandria Ooi/Alicia Billington haircut. i even googled her up to double confirm it.

i dont even know if i really like it, like it, okay, it will get better or it could have gone better. but, i think i am happy to swift and sway my hair left to right n right to left, posing with the angle, it's kinda like lengthen my face but in a weird way. but i am breathing fresh air now. not suffocating in my thick messy hair world. but i would prefer it shorter.

and today went for my first time ever facial massage. it felt so good. it feels really good spending time with mum. but the thing is that mum always cracked joke at the wrong time but it was fun.

miss ya

i miss staying at Grandma's place. it makes me feel much secure and relax.

go to bed at 10pm and wake up as late as i want though it really annoys me that no matter how early or late i sleep, i always get up late. what the hell is wrong with my circadian cycle?

last thing, i really miss my grandma. should i go again tomorrow?

sh!t?

shits happen, always. getting medical report on April Fools'. is it a prank made by the doctors? couldnt afford to think so. how possible can these professional team decide to have a day-off on April Fools' and play prank on the people that come over to their desks. almost dying doesnt change anything. dying changes everything. quote House.

and with the uncountable disastrous predicaments that fall on me since i dont even know when, i am really tired to even put much thoughts on it. let it be?

#1 i 'shit' a lot recently. it makes me feel good.

#2 i drive single handed. it makes me at ease.

#3 think i just escape death. yesterday. who the hell put on a good show and puncture the tire. i am so 'relieved' to make home safe. somehow. wish i was dead. feeling dizzy. a lot to take in.

#4 what the hell is wrong with everybody's life?

lone ranger

im so pissed at so many things since i am home. first, how do people expect me to know so much bout medicine? i am just a pathetic wannabe who fails subjects n barely even passed the exam with a cert that've been the one and only solid and tangible thing that assures me to just hold on for a few more months n getting me thru all the moments of uncertainty. what pissed me more is that to see how stubborn people can be to just suffer thru the pain without even try to seek for advice from a more qualified people / those with DR in front of their names. how fool can u be? and now asking me questions and diagnosis and taking advice from people from the same presentations. hello? you might have the same presentation but not the same diagnosis okay? say, if its the goddamn osteoarthritis, sure, u can take glucosamine or whatsoever meds that u think is suitable but can u please go and have a visit at the clinic? gah i can always drive u know if you're lazy or something. and i am upset that people just dont want to talk about it and at the end i am the one who get 'scolded'. and i am more upset that i dont even know how to care, how to ask, how to talk anymore. though i understand that for someone at your age, people tend to get scared and stubborn for their feared of the possible unpleasant medical reports or diagnose of the dreaded C word, just to name a few. but, what if it's just osteoarthritis. they can always prescribed you with things and give you advice better than u sit there and occasionally start the conversation with me on diet and meds.

i am seriously pissed off when people start to ask me about medicine thing because honestly, i dont know a thing. just stop calling me with dr. i am not a doctor. puh-lez. stop torturing me. why did everyone has to know about it and everyone has to ask about it? i might show my friendly fake smile and giggle about it but deep down inside, i was struggling hard. deep down inside, i am upset. deep down inside, i am livid. deep down inside, i feel inferior. deep down inside, i am tormented. and those are the things that people dont see from the outside. those are my secrets.

to put two and two together, i thing the main focus that culminated in my occasion bad temper and mood swing is that i realised i am alone and has always been alone all these while. nobody has ever brilliantly decipher my words into what i really mean. heh. because i never ever really tell things straight and direct. well, maybe i did, before. but, what do i expect right? a whole village of people and a whole pack of family and the aunts and uncles and cousins that i barely even know the names and faces. its that much to take in. it's too much. and my words get ignored.

we went for family dinner with family's friends. true. we can feel that tad of jealousy of the children's success, the 5 digits salary and the fancy post and occupations. well. please dont. everyone is born differently. everyone is born with different purpose of life. some were born rich, some may not. but to me, rich is very subjective. to me, the politicians in my land perfectly define rich. they have too much money that they embarks me on wondering about economy and money flow thingy. i start to questions myself things that i never wonder before. wondering where the hell are those money from. The bank? then, who make them? who the hell make Ringgit Malaysia? the governor? why some people never get rich but some get richer by just split seconds. so many whys. so many new knowledge and those are really beyond my intellectual.

so my monthly and yearly ignorance and indifferent attitude has brought me to a point where i can easily shed my tears if i just stay alone in some random place and think about my current condition. it was an eerie feeling of lonesomeness, the kind that leave you excrutiating in agony knowing how people love you but dont understand your needs but purely love by the sake of relationships. love because it seems like a logic thing to say and do. but, never really know how this girl here is really fighting for her life till suicidal attempts and tears jerking moment and self-reclusive have been the complications from the deadly lonesomeness. it was a different kind of lonesomeness. not the kind that you enjoy watching movie alone, singing alone, reading alone, locking yourself in the room alone.

sometimes, i wish i can be dead with my too much of thoughts, with my depression, with my too many questions and with my unsatisfactory towards life. but, sigh. am i a quitter? do i really want to leave my family now? am i that ungrateful? the devil side of me always ask back : y even bring me to life? y am i, this me, this me who is typing now exist? what the hell makes me think of so many negative things? what has made me to become who i am today : a girl full with grudge and hatred toward herself ?

We often fail because we try for something bigger than ourselves ; and that is what we should be doing.

Thoughts?

Dope

Dear omnipresent Force, please make my coming days easier n bearable n lessen the excrutiating pain that I am experiencing.

The most awful feeling is when you want to cry hard so much but the headache knowing it won't solve anything. Just creating more problems.

That awkward moment when ur friends were in debt of u n it dragged so long that u don't even know how to ask from them. It wasn't much but in a bunch of random friends, it make no easy task. Gawwwwwwd. I don't want to pay in advance for anything anymore. It's really a pain in the ass. that feeling scrolling down ur 555 notebook looking at the "long list named" on the left thinking how am I going to talk to these people n the left column which shown the digits. When u do the additional at the bottom, u realised that u could do a lot of things with it. it stays with u!

alter ego

that exasperating moment when you have no one to talk to and you called your grandmother.

ive been feeling extremely sorry and sympathy for myself for all the troubles and suffering i have made myself go thru. worse, i cant talk about it to anybody not even the one who are closest to me. why? they never listen. they dont understand how much pain n hurt it is. second, i dont want to worry them. third, they never take away the pain. they never get me a solution for it.

so many times, i look and think about this pathetic me and i feel so much hatred and i almost burst to tears. i am enjoying life and hating it at the same moment. why? because i am spending my parents' money n they have been giving me good life but i disappoint them. i just waste the money and energy.

welcome to my life

do u ever feel like breaking down

do u ever feel out of place

like somehow u just dont belong

n no one understands u

do u ever wanna run away

do u lock urself in ur room

with the radio on turns up so loud

but no one hears ur screaming

no u dont know what its like

when nothing feels alright

u dont know what it's like to be like me

to be hurt

to feel lost

to be left out in the dark

to be kick

when u'r down

to feel like u've been pusheed around

to be on the edge of breaking down

and no one's there to save u

no u dont know what it's like

welcome to my life

no one ever lies staright to ur face

no one ever stab u in the back

u might think i'm happy but i'm not gonna be okay

everybody always getting what u wanted

never have to work it was always there

u dont know what it's like

to be like me

i miss Simple Plan, Blink 182, the click five, my chemical romance and some other old bands n old stuffs n old awesome songs that i used to listen to when i was in high school. gawd. everything's gone n i dont even know where to start. :)

Terminal stage

the worst feeling in the world is when you feel like spilling out your feeling, thoughts and problems that you have kept to yourself for what seemed like eternity to the one you love most and dear to heart but to be turned down because apparently that someone doesn't understand and know you well enough when you are the one who stupidly thought that that someone is the only reason you live and moved on serving as one of the purpose of life.

gawd. i feel so bad for myself for spilling that tad of tears. Tears that are formed under high pressurized grudge that has been held for a long time. Tears that symbolize self-pity and self-absorbed over a matter that is left unsolved, unspoken of. no. actually, it was brought to the discussion table once but eventually remain case-closed without any proper (and my desire) solution instead to have to put me into a situation that i find very much difficult to brace thru. i think people just dont want to talk about it anymore. people are sick and tired of my unending whining. again, how i wish the thing with the switching-body stuffs, Freaky Friday are able to be utilize in real life because i need it very much so that they can be in my position. only then, they are able to evaluate and analyze how much damage and mental disturbance everything has succumbed into, leading to a self-destructing me, now.

it was just another side of me that i didnt expose thanks to the convincing poker face. and here i am, feeling the urge to inscribe it here. I feel like blogspot has become a space for me to show and deal with my anger-management and self-hypnotising thing. One day I was fine and contented with life, another I find it dark, gloomy. Often, I stared out the windows, looking at the traffic, lost in thought in the vast sky, wondering. Wasn't sure if I am grateful to have this life or I m better off dead.

Thee author of my biography should really comes out with something new already. This chapter should be ended as soon as possible chai am not sure whether my character is going to make reader intrigued and glued to the anticipation of turning the pages. The author should really comes out with new inspiration, something crazy, something fun, something creative because this, this is not fun. This is misery. This character might die out even before the author Himself called upon an epilogue. I am trying very hard too to create escapism from this mistaken chapter. Hoping to find courage and inspiration as well as new idea on how to start a new chapter, making pathway to link to the road not taken. Gotta be fast, I don't know how long this time machine last. And I feel like I am in terminal stage cancer.

slipped away

Mother breathed her last breath and is gone, forever. She was there with her, watching with terrifying eyes how the BP dropped so unexpectedly with every ticking millisecond which also signifying the mother has insidiously faded away into the other world. The face turned from healthy pink to pale white and lips turning blue from lush pink. How could a girl, a daughter ever possibly embrace the sight before her?

i couldnt resist the hostile tears that dropped so stubbornly from the corner of my eyes with my courageously gritted teeth. it was my first time after all attending a friend's mother funeral. a friend who is only in her late teen, pre adulthood. it was my first time after all burning the incense for a deceased friend's mother. i hardly know her but just a couple of times from the picture. That picture used to portray a happily married n loving couples. She was indeed a beautiful woman with a big heart and a loving motherly instinct. and i know that the children, especially the daughter loves her so much, more than words could depict. what would happen now and for the time to come to look back the old pictures, to reminiscing the good old time knowing that she is gone forever and only photographs are left for memories and served to restore and preserved her youth.

to imagine all those thing to happen on myself worsen my condition. how could i ever suppressed the incoming feelings. i hardly get emotional (in public) unless i am really emotional. (o.O) i hardly shed my tears. but, the facts and the events before me really triggered the sensitive side of me. i feel sorry and sympathy for her lost. selfish enough, i was lucky to have my parents still around. i really couldnt imagine a life without my mother, i mean, at this point of life. i am not ready to let her go just yet, not now or forever.

sometimes, i just wonder whether i deserved to be this happy and laugh away knowing that my friend on the other hand is struggling and battling such imminent lost. it was a great lost and i am very sure everything is not going to be the same again for the family especially herself. while enjoying good moments with friends and sharing laughters, always always always a piece of me reminding myself of such sorrowful event of a close friend. but i guess life has to move on. same to her, time will heal. it's a fact that she's gone but she lives in the heart. so, keeps it beating.

i feel like a double-face hypocrite.

Garden

Today went for Minhui's birthday celebration at The Garden, MidValley. Actually, there have been issues n things going on but I guess I choose to avoid everything because I don't like and I don't want to explain myself so much. I don't want to raise any awkward moments or create more problems to everything that is already happening. So, I don't really know what's going to happen but I am just keeping cool with how everything turns out. Let's just keep it that way. I am very well aware that we can never go back to the past anymore.

I don't feel like apologising or anything but at least just showing appreciation. It's a birthday after all. Some take birth day seriously but I guess it's significant for me in another way.

Anyway, wish I live a different life. Seriously. I wish my life is easier. Sudden thought about it again after hearing conversations of others. I don't always like to be nosy about others business because I know that I have my own to take care off and I don't even know how to deal with everything so why should I get involve with people's things? The weird thing is that even I don't want to know, they will just randomly tell the happening things even if I said no. Awkward.

Gawd. I seriously need to buck up and keep pace already even though a huge part of me is resisting and rejecting everything so aggressively. It just amplifies since I don't know when. I really don't want to continue anymore. I really don't feel like its my true calling.

AVRIL LAVIGNE BLACK STAR TOUR KL 2012

She is exactly what i imagine she is. No words could articulate what i feel throughout the night or even before it even started. It was indeed one of the most memorable night in my life. It was a dream came true. I have been having the same thoughts and imagination for the past 10 years. The night itself, i feel enchanted and completely awestruck by her presence. Everything is still very surreal for me. i think i am going to take time to digest everything. Gawd. AVRIL LAVIGNE WAS JUST METERS AWAY!

I felt so damn nervous hours before the show. Kept on fidgeting n telling the others that I AM SUPER DUPER NERVOUS for the show. i dont even know if i was breathing properly, having palpitation n tachycardia n all those abnormal findings. i was ecstatic!

My brother and i were totally lucky. We were there passed 730 at Stadium Merdeka. I dont even know it was that near. Hop off from Maharajalela monorail station and it was on the left. I was astounded by the long queuing crowd, thinking to myself it cant be that long. TRUST ME! the Q is super duper long. I sort of just knew the Q is not going to be those for Tune Talk Zone. So, we walked past the crowd and come to the small little entrance cuz i saw the sign board written there and also from the promotional poster. And i saw that there's a long Q too but the Q was confusing. They wasnt even in a perfect line. Being the first concert goers, we seriously do not know any of the proper 'procedures' and appropriate 'steps'. I just asked the security that seemed like on his duty, with a dumb, innocent look n polite manner. :D i actually knew that the Q on the right gotta be for the Tune Talk Zone but i am not sure where to start Q. WHERE THE HELL WAS THE END ANYWAY? So, he gave us a nod and green light and 'ushered' us in.

There. (i knew this after the concert) The people had started Q-ing since afternoon! i actually feel bad for them. And there were a lot of comments on how unprofessional the organizer was in organizing such event with the poor organization of entrance (there are only a couple of entrance n the securities on duty were not sufficient hence it slows down the whole ticket-and-prohibited-items checking process.) And i heard that some were able to jump in the Tune Talk Zone from the regular zone. To put two and two together, it was quite an unorganized and incompetent commitment from the organizers and security officers and the others involved. Nonetheless, i still want to thank Mrs Susan Tan, the ladyboss of JS Concert for bringing AVRIL LAVIGNE (*AAAAAAA-SCREAMMMM!!!) to Malaysia for the second time.

I think i have never seen myself so overwhelmed and enchanted-like before. Avril Lavigne, live, standing within the same atmosphere with me? All these times, i am just watching her from Utube, Facebook, TV, newspaper, radio and magazine. And there she was, standing perfectly so beautifully cute and pretty on the stage, ready to rock the night. For a moment, my heart stopped beating, i felt a sudden jerk of freeze and thought i was going to pass out. I was singing throughout the concert! screaming here and there! I enjoyed the night so very much! it was awesome! And i am missing Avril, still, after two days. Everything's still playing in my mind. And i love her even more and more after 18th february. :)

Life 's too short gotta live it long

Damn. I think I suddenly fall for a friend's boyfriend. :O no worries, it will go away.

Hahaha. That's probably the most bitchy and Inappropriately stupid statement I have ever made. Gawd. Valentines day which is also equivalent as Single awareness day keep me thinking about my definition of boyfriend n having a relationship with someone.

I think my ideal kind of boyfriend would be S! No kidding. Recently just found out that s is the only one who shared common interest n mutual gaganess with me! I feel like sharing everything with her! however, often feel like an annoyance so i just let it pass. :D no offense to others please. :P

I'm just too stressed up about the coming neurosciences exam. Duh. N somehow, cortisol fluctuation leads me to these. -.- just try to be naught, and " bitchy". I have to voice it out somehow.

And this lead me to my another dilemma which is that I find that I always let opportunities slip from my hand. Never ever once try get hold tightly of any open opportunities butto just let it pass by which is a real pain n remorse reflecting back.

Anyway, relating the missed opportunities to boys, should I find someone I kindof like, should I make the move n just tell? U know, they say that life's short.

The more I try to explain myself, the more horny n desperate it sounds ryt?

let's take a walk

so nice talking to mum and having mum to explain the real intuition and insight of life, or rather based on her view; although i was just acting dumb, deliberately playing ignorance of all the important and undebatable facts, truths and values. i have always look up to mum, wishing that she could actualy be my REAL best friend forever, though she already is but something is missing. there are still a lot we never talk about. it would be so damn awesome if my mum knows One Direction, Gossip Girl, Grey's Anatomy, Avril Lavigne n all that sillily awesome stuffs. And several other sillily serious stuffs.

and yes. she is the one i proudly admit that i've grown to love each day more and more if that's even possible. so God, i love this woman so much. more than words can articulate. help her by helping me too will ya?

sometimes, i dont even understand where does all her strength and unceasing faith on me comes from. it concurrently brings more stress and burden on me knowing how much and how many people care for me. but, come walk in my shoes with me, anyone?

#sometimes it's worthy to be a psychopath rather than having these feelings

time after time

i am really happy today to see how the one that i care about and love wholeheartedly is able to move on after a few episodes of difficulties. it really warms my heart. well, even if i am not sure if everything is just an illusion, an effort in trying to mask the still-unforgettable-past, i dont really mind because now, at least i wont see words around telling the world how miserable life has been.

that's it! you fall, pick yourself up and live life again, with colors. i am probably too hostile and too judgemental previously because i am not the one who succumb to such situation, with the heartaches and all so who was i to judge. no. of course i am so used to be a damsel in distress, but just not the same kind of distress. well, time definitely proves that it's the best medicine and remedy ever after. some people needs less while some need more. eventually, we are all going to get thru all the miseries and being revive again, as a whole new and better person.

It's a god test

I just don't think it's okay to mock others' belief practice. even if they can't choose to born in which kind of environment n upbringing, hence "unfortunately" aren't not even able to choose what to believe, many still have faith n adhere to it because somehow it make sense to them. So, don't doubt them. Even if they are trying their best to give "preacher" and trying to make it sensible to us, we should have just listened.

Feeling bad because we are interacting with each other everyday. Isn't it hypocrite to have friends of different belief n yet talking behind their back like that? Please.

#reflect on ur self before judging others