slipped away

Mother breathed her last breath and is gone, forever. She was there with her, watching with terrifying eyes how the BP dropped so unexpectedly with every ticking millisecond which also signifying the mother has insidiously faded away into the other world. The face turned from healthy pink to pale white and lips turning blue from lush pink. How could a girl, a daughter ever possibly embrace the sight before her?

i couldnt resist the hostile tears that dropped so stubbornly from the corner of my eyes with my courageously gritted teeth. it was my first time after all attending a friend's mother funeral. a friend who is only in her late teen, pre adulthood. it was my first time after all burning the incense for a deceased friend's mother. i hardly know her but just a couple of times from the picture. That picture used to portray a happily married n loving couples. She was indeed a beautiful woman with a big heart and a loving motherly instinct. and i know that the children, especially the daughter loves her so much, more than words could depict. what would happen now and for the time to come to look back the old pictures, to reminiscing the good old time knowing that she is gone forever and only photographs are left for memories and served to restore and preserved her youth.

to imagine all those thing to happen on myself worsen my condition. how could i ever suppressed the incoming feelings. i hardly get emotional (in public) unless i am really emotional. (o.O) i hardly shed my tears. but, the facts and the events before me really triggered the sensitive side of me. i feel sorry and sympathy for her lost. selfish enough, i was lucky to have my parents still around. i really couldnt imagine a life without my mother, i mean, at this point of life. i am not ready to let her go just yet, not now or forever.

sometimes, i just wonder whether i deserved to be this happy and laugh away knowing that my friend on the other hand is struggling and battling such imminent lost. it was a great lost and i am very sure everything is not going to be the same again for the family especially herself. while enjoying good moments with friends and sharing laughters, always always always a piece of me reminding myself of such sorrowful event of a close friend. but i guess life has to move on. same to her, time will heal. it's a fact that she's gone but she lives in the heart. so, keeps it beating.

i feel like a double-face hypocrite.