there is a humongous lot of things running inside my mind. it happens when i start to stop blogging for a few days and left my blog in a hiatus. it is something that i wish to keep as a consistency but sometimes days went off meaninglessly while some day brings a lot of insights. and some random day, you just cant seem to get access to internet although your mind has been actively pouring out every possible ideas on what to blog.
i shall probably start this post with my gratitude towards that omnipresent power, that omnipotent force, that Almighty Creator. now i fully comprehend the saying : pray like you've never prayed before. i have experienced that. i was holding the incense and mumbling to the sky, to a plaque, to a statue and sudden tears start to well up in the corner of my eyes. and for a second, it was a total blank. a complete lost in thought and you are lost of words. you dont even have to say your prayer because deep down, you know that He knows. yes. you can stare straight off into the space, the whatever is pictured or reflected before your eyes but you know He was there. cant see it but you feel it. i never believe in burning the joss sticks and paper for the offerring to the Goddess or the deceased but it was more on tradition and culture. and of course, because my parents ask me to. at this moment, i was connecting the dots backward and trying to complete the mystery and my doubts. and i just couldnt believe the magical and power behind it. it's faith. i guess all things happen for a reason and for me, it just proved to me that there are really things that are beyond the visibility of our naked eyes and whatsoever science that cant prove it and the fact that i am doing medicine and not supposed to believe in any illogical, no scientific prove 'bullshits'. i just couldnt afford to give a damn because i have faith. and faith transcend possibilities.
i am really thankful that i have made it thru this far. i am officially a third year medical student and it really wasnt an easy journey for me. i know that difficulties lie ahead but i want to make it thru again, no matter what turmoils lie ahead so badly because what doesnt kill me just made me stronger. it hits me that i want to really work hard this time. and i am really truly sincerely serious about gaining the knowledge. i dont want to live a simpleton life anymore. He has made me go thru a lot of hells but somehow, i dont know what He did to me that brings me to heaven and i love Him more. reflecting back, even if it's just mere luck, i guess there must be something 'controlling' that brings you that luck. and the same goes with the bond and realtionship with people that tie you together.
and now it was really an exhausting day for me. i walk like a thousand miles every day, to and fro hospital. my legs feel super sore and ache so much. guess i was complaining too much while there are many who are in obstetric and gynaecology posting suffered more than i do. perhaps i should lessen my walking back home on interval between classes. gosh. never forget to mention the unending hours doing ward rounds with Miss/Mister (Surgeons are addressed this way) and stand rooted to the ground for eternity listening to the bedside teaching. it is undeniable that third year and clinical years are supposed to be more intriguing and challenging. we finally get to practice, to observe, to see with our very own naked eyes on the presentation of illness of patients which supposedly help in our understanding and tackling exam questions. but it is really stressful to know that your fundamental and basic is not solid enough that i fear someday this 'empire' i am building will collapse even though now i am trying very hard to reconstruct it and remodify the base hopefully with the help of a few contractors and engineers and architects. it really hits me hard this time that i want to study hard and smart and know things because now, it's Homo sapiens that i am dealing with. i just hope that there are no more second thoughts after all of the wasted time. frankly, there isnt any detour left for me. i am stucked here and instead of thinking a way to get out of my 'mistaken' route chosen, i better off walk till the end of the tunnel. i just want to see how far i can endure all the agony and setting my threshold of stress higher, day by day. and hopefully one day, i will become a better person.
well, seriously there's still a lot to blog about what i have seen in these few days in the wards. trust me. it doesnt get better every day. it is really painful to see sick people. and you cant do a thing to help them. worse, when you try to seek help from those who are suppose to help, they dont even give a damn.
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