lonle

all these time, i thought that i am really okay with being a lone ranger. a lone wolf. because i really dont like to socialize. like, even if i dont like people, i have to pretend how happy and how fun it is to spend time with them (though there are fun times undoubtedly). i choose to distant myself from people because (yes i probably have mentioned this many times) i just simply dont trust people. secondly, i dont want to be a hypocrite. thirdly, i am just really happy with family and a few awesome friends that are really close to heart. i really thought that the world will keep on spinning even if i dont know these people and i dont desire to make any steps closer. it just dawn to me a couple of weeks ago that i used to have 'friends' who are pretty close but then i dont know what happen that we become so very much distant. i still cherish the moment we spend in the past and i dont even know what have gone wrong that we havent keep in touch for years. those are people that i want to keep in my heart but things seem to change now. i think the problem is on me.

at this moment, i am feeling dead lonely than i have ever felt in years. i have lost a brother 9 years ago. now, it seems that i have lost the entire family too. really. at this moment, it seems like i am an outcast no matter where i am. and it really breaks my heart. it could be it's only probably me who thinks that way which in fact they are always there for me but i am speaking of a different kind of loneliness. not the lack of accompany kind-which i really dont mind, but an empty feeling.