the C word

Which year are you in? it always took a longer than 3 s to utter 'third' because i still cant believe how swift time had passed and how hard i have been struggling for the past two years to make it into my third year of medical student life.

the blog has been on an imminent hiatus. i have been away from town for a Professional and Personal Development camp in which we as the meds student here in UKM are required to attend 3 camps in total thruout our 5 years course, the first, third and fifth. The history repeats again when i, again, no, my group had managed to secure the best group and the all round Champion! Gawd. sometimes, i couldnt even able to accept all the good luck i had been lavished with. I had been randomisedly grouped with different coursemates and finally got to see new faces. Can i, my group do it again if and only if i make it to fifth year? lets keep that a challenge! and a promise. Keep calm. Move ahead.

i have been trying to adapt myself with new study method with friend. it makes me miss my old friend a lot and i was thinking Huiwoon could have been a good study partner to me. i need someone who can motivate me to study, to push me and most importantly the chemistry that we have. it still feels a little awkward with my study partner here although she used to be my room mate and we have numerous same sessions and in the same small group together for a countless time. it just feels like we are laking chemistry or something. but i am glad that we are able to teamed up and hopefully this is going to help me in tackling my exam.

and i always hate clerking patients who are diagnosed with cancer. the common thing they share, besides the presenting symptoms despite the different type of cancer is the melancholic look on their face and a blind could have recognized it from the way they behave. it's painful for me and for them as well. who would have love to hear themselves diagnosed with the dreaded C-word. even if it was a benign tumour growth, i wasn't very much convinced with the word benign despite all the statistic and prognosis. but my job now basically revolve around clerking patient, talking and smiling. feel very much like a hypocrite.

i mean. i could be smiling and talking in a decent manner with them, just so i can play my part and complete my task in the logbook but what then? at that moment, i would emphatised and sympatised with their misfortunes (some that can move you to tears because it remind you of your old parents and deceased grandparents, some can make your heart sank by making you grateful for what a wonderful and blessed life you've been living in). afterwards, i would come back, facebook, sleep, study a little, youtube and enjoys my life, though a suffering and stressful one.

it's the powerless and helplessness that bothered me so much. Atheist would have asked God why create cancer? Why create suffering? The same that Gautama Buddha asks. And, what say me? Did i go thru journey of enlightenment like what Buddha does? i doubt. i have a lot to do. complete my studies, earn money, pamper my parents and all that. so, someone asked me if i consider myself as a religion person. No, i answered. (but im not atheist) How do you expect me to be religious when i dont even understand all those mind-boggling thing about life and religion itself. Just do good and the karma will take care of the rest! :)