escapism

there have been a lot of things keep on popping up these few days. i do not feel like a need to blog it out because all of it are the same mundane, could be sickening and could be simple glee that i am just too lazy to jot it down here.

most things are just the same old predicaments that i have been facing and struggling to get through since high school. gee. primary school and kindergarden are better as they are just so simple and easy and happy. there are feelings that i think i have handled them before yet i am still not certain whether i am making the right move and getting myself fully prepared to deal with it. it's like nightmares haunting me again that i am getting myself through countless nights of insomnia thinking about it. i am stupid. i admit it. i am well aware that it does not worth my time and energy but my sickening idiot malfunctioning mind just couldn't stop processing every single details about it and there are angels assisting me in convincing myself to get the answers i want. i know it is just a lie but i could not help it. i need confirmation yet there are still many things to consider. for a few days, i hate my life for being so difficult and i hate my selfish self.

i admit that there are times i am really trying to be a Good Samaritan because that is one of the reason why i live. that's the way i choose to live my life. i want to make a simple change in people and myself. nonetheless, there is this unbearable and inexplainable difficulty that i have put myself to carried it alone on my heavy shoulders and there is a huge lump that i find it hard to swallow at times.

sometimes i feel like i have given myself away and that it is such an injustice to me but everything was on my free will. i choose to be in that place and taking such actions but later on will whine on it. i am in a serious trouble because this could be a depression that i never ever want to have any unnecessary connection with it. life could be easy if only i did not have so much of doubts and feeling about things and on how it is going to affect others. life could be easy if i just care for myself and my own happiness yet i know that i cannot do that ever.

people. why can't people live to my expectation? because i ain't God. i am a human and the power i have is to influence people and to make a change in people in what i believe is good but all are solely on my point of views. people. the minds and thinking are so hard to be comprehend but why do i sometimes feel that i can see through a person's heart? i am very sure of my sense. they hit me like jolts of lighting that it's obscure to understand but i know that i am right sometimes. people. why do i still having problems with living with people who do not live up to my expectation which is living in the way i want them to live.