happily ever after

Happy Merdeka. Last night was awesome because my best friends remind me of why Avril is so awesome again. i havent hear Avril for ages and listening to her again makes me so darn happy and excited. we kind of celebrating Merdeka in our own Avril-way. yay!

then, i woke up the this morning and was so exuberant to go for Step Up 3. omg. it was so darn AWESOME and BREATHTAKING and FASCINATING and everyone is like so beautiful! they make me want to dance!

i am really starting to enjoy my life. although i used to think that my childhood is the most memorable and happiest moment ever in my life, i should have give my present its ultimate enjoyment and give myself a go to really relish all the goods and turns the bad into awesome. i want to laugh out loud everyday and craving a sincere smile whenever i could. i want a happy life!

not missing

yesterday was awesome. went outing with Huiwoon and Michael tagged along. My course mates were accompanying me there too and i really have to thank them for their sacrified time and energy.

i could sense that i am a changed man. i used to be so quiet and pessimistic towards life and i choose to change for the better. i love talking and crapping because i find myself really happy doing that. i am not sure whether people can accept the way i am now but i dont really want to give a damn about it because i have faith in what i believe is good.

nonetheless, there are times in which the laughters lie a hidden truth of my agony. maybe, i choose to laugh out loud about things and crapping around because i am really despair and dejected inside. there are much predicaments that i find it hard to voice out sometimes so i choose to resort to keeping to myself but at the same time faking a smile. laughters are real.

it's true that people's perception and expectation towards life altered through the course of time. so do i. at this stage of life, i choose to live a totally carefree life. it's like so not me because i used to put so much time and hard work towards study but now what i do is playing around and bound to be indifference towards my study.

besides that, there are more to invade my exhausted mind on my future. which kind of person i choose to be in the future? what kind of regret i dont want to reminiscence in the later day? which kind of joy and excitement i dont want to miss as i am still young?

yes. it is so hard living with so many of people around who are way better than us in term of so many different ways but i guess that's what differentiate us and there is need not a need to be envious of them because everyone is special. i have heard enough of stories and i had observed enough and to come into one slid conclusion that i am really contented with my life. i have to be because God must have his own path for me and i trust Him. i dont want to live a simple life anymore and i want a totally awesome life n which i could look back in the next 10 years and laugh out loud about it with a genuine smile ever.

being stupid

it's a flummoxed feeling. i am having a hard time.

i was so stupid today. the class was supposed to start at 10 but i woke up at 530 because i thought the class was at 8. i went to the toilet to take a bath and was wondering where the hell are the others only to realize that everybody else was still in their warm bed as i took a glance at the time table stating that the class to attend was only the 2 hours lab practical. the lab practical ended up boring as always. i always hated lab works. looking at the slide of numerous connective tissues but all of them appear as red pinky sea to me.

it is still hard for me to forget things easily because i am a perfectionist. yes i am. i admit that i choose to b an over-achiever but then i fool myself by acting smart. i ended up in misery then. it's really okay. i just need more time to figure things out and completing the missing pieces of my depressing week.

though, there are always things that could really made me on cloud nine. it was simple stupid thing but i have no idea why is that the effect is long lasting and that it cheered me up from my agony. i think i missed the caring and affection. yay. talking to Mum always help though she doesn't know what's the hidden truth of my dejection. listening to her always make me happy because i know that her love for me is undying and that i could trust no one but her.

it wasn't a bad day after all. it's Daddy's 59th birthday. Happy Birthday!

never told you

it is one solid truth that is unalterable and i only have to accept it with gratefully. i got a B- for my very first end of module exam which is centered on biochemistry thingy. gee. i did expect something bad but B is, well, okay for me. how should i feel? seeing others getting As and B+ and all is really quite an unbearable sight. nonetheless, i could really still breath a sigh of relief because that is really the best that i can give.

i am so going to fight for the better the very next time. i promise to never ever miss a thing and being my old vain self by assuming that everything is so under my control because that is really not going to happen all the time. serious. i am really okay with what i got because i did really not noticing every single details from the note. i was being ignorance and lazy.

jiawen is so right when she said that maybe this could have served as a drive for me for a better, bigger improvement in the next future. gee. i really love my buddy. she cheered me and all but i am really fine. i could still bubbly and happily crapping around and just enjoy my day. i do not ever want to give a damn about others. what is the point of comparison? maybe people just get lucky. maybe people are smart. maybe people are just people. i am what i am and that is enough for me to start a better day with more jubilation and excitement again. and i slept well last night.

going to school in the next 45 minutes. i know that i am being a little emo by blogging this up so early in the morning but i am seriously fine. i just want to express this little tinge of contentment and recapturing whatever is there.

escapism

there have been a lot of things keep on popping up these few days. i do not feel like a need to blog it out because all of it are the same mundane, could be sickening and could be simple glee that i am just too lazy to jot it down here.

most things are just the same old predicaments that i have been facing and struggling to get through since high school. gee. primary school and kindergarden are better as they are just so simple and easy and happy. there are feelings that i think i have handled them before yet i am still not certain whether i am making the right move and getting myself fully prepared to deal with it. it's like nightmares haunting me again that i am getting myself through countless nights of insomnia thinking about it. i am stupid. i admit it. i am well aware that it does not worth my time and energy but my sickening idiot malfunctioning mind just couldn't stop processing every single details about it and there are angels assisting me in convincing myself to get the answers i want. i know it is just a lie but i could not help it. i need confirmation yet there are still many things to consider. for a few days, i hate my life for being so difficult and i hate my selfish self.

i admit that there are times i am really trying to be a Good Samaritan because that is one of the reason why i live. that's the way i choose to live my life. i want to make a simple change in people and myself. nonetheless, there is this unbearable and inexplainable difficulty that i have put myself to carried it alone on my heavy shoulders and there is a huge lump that i find it hard to swallow at times.

sometimes i feel like i have given myself away and that it is such an injustice to me but everything was on my free will. i choose to be in that place and taking such actions but later on will whine on it. i am in a serious trouble because this could be a depression that i never ever want to have any unnecessary connection with it. life could be easy if only i did not have so much of doubts and feeling about things and on how it is going to affect others. life could be easy if i just care for myself and my own happiness yet i know that i cannot do that ever.

people. why can't people live to my expectation? because i ain't God. i am a human and the power i have is to influence people and to make a change in people in what i believe is good but all are solely on my point of views. people. the minds and thinking are so hard to be comprehend but why do i sometimes feel that i can see through a person's heart? i am very sure of my sense. they hit me like jolts of lighting that it's obscure to understand but i know that i am right sometimes. people. why do i still having problems with living with people who do not live up to my expectation which is living in the way i want them to live.

masquerade

my very first end of module exam is over. i am happy of course because it's so over yet i am very disappointed with myself because i did not do well in the exam. it feels as if i have been wasting my weekend and days and time because what i have been studying is futile. what have i done with my weekend? i got no one to blame but myself.

nonetheless, i need to put a blame on the advance of technology which is the availability of internet and wireless system in my room. i could not resist from going online, because all i have to do is clicking on 'facebook' which i have bookmark previously on the tab bar. it's that simple. and i blame it to my habit of needing to listen to music while studying. everything has gone hay-wired. my life is a mess. i remembered myself as a hardworking girl which has acquired a resistance to such temptations but something must have possessed my mind. duh. i blame no one but myself.

however, i believe that i am so done over upsetting about the whole thing. after all, all i need is a pass and then i need to study consistently and acquire more knowledge with my own interest. it is just so stressful to study for the sake of exam. i guess that i will just try to enjoy my first year as much as possible.

omg. Junior Welcoming Night is coming soon on 28th of August. it's like a prom night and the theme is masquerade. all i know is Gossip Girl. Dear Blair, mind if i browse through your wardrobe? Dear Chuck, will you send me any pretty dress from Paris? for the first time ever, i hate being a girl because it is a must to wear a dress to such event and i think that i just bought the wrong thing for it. first, my mum said nothing too sexy and exposing and i agree to that too because i dont wear such a thing. it's not comfortable. and then i found a cute dress that i like so much and i just bought it because i think anything is okay as long as it is a dress. but now, after making some research, i doubt that it suits anymore. Help me. i am so going to top the list of fashion disaster. though, i bought the right mask and i like it!

gets high

omg. i am bored, again.

i was browsing on GG insiders site and found out a number of hot interesting spoilers and i dont care because i just want to know whether Chair relationship is still going on. kindly sense the euphoria i am sending through typing all these things out. then, i found out that Chace Crowford just won the favourite Actor Drama award along with Leighton Meester for the recent Teen Choice Award 2010. omg. Ed Westwick should have won it. though, it is just so funny to notice a comment from another fanatic fan saying that all Chace was doing on the show was looking good. truth, Chace is kind of more alluring but Chuck is like the mysterious, perfect Mr.Right, and handsome in a kind of charming way because of his seducing eyes and the way he carries himself. nah. whatever. most of the people watching the show for Chair and i dont really care if they are going to put an end to Serena character on Blake's demanding request. excited for season4 which is going to premiered on this coming September. yay!

lol. knowing about all the news just made my day. i couldn't stop smiling while reading lines just now and the pictures that were available on the site taken on the set.

i am comparing the feeling to having a crush on this one handsome boy to liking this one kind and friendly boy. GossipGirl is my crush and House is the friendly nerdy one. duh. it's different. i love Dr.House but i also love Chuck Bass. tee-hee. i am just so happy that those shows are made. i could escape from reality for a while, again and that confessing my affection for the people that are not even real ergo i need not worry about rejection or heartbreak. so going to catch up on House season 6 when i get back.

in the morning, i was attending a briefing on JPA scholarships and that i truly believe that it's the most rational and wise decision to accept the offer. mummy said that i could keep the money and that i could use the one given from Pup for my daily expenses. i was thinking on buying fragrance especially Black Star and Forbidden Rose which are not available here. it's so frustrating. i want to smell like Avril. another advantage of accepting the offer would be that my future is better secured because i am bonded to the government so they would have to hire me and i would be given priority compared to those not bonded in case there is seriously an uncontrollable overflow of doctors in the near future. it is not really going to be a good thing because it somehow signifies that the qualities of the local medical officers are deteriorating because there would be not enough intensive training, experience and all when the work load is reduced in a big cut. hmmm. besides i don't really care serving for the government now. i did learn about patriotism since i got back from the one week PPD camp last month. it taught me a lot and i repent. lastly, i think i am going to love people and going to love workng in a hospital more than owning a private clinic. i love diagnostic medicine! it's what House does.

speaking of people, i guess that i am going to blog about it soon.

i was here

You will notice me
I'll be leaving my mark like initials carved
In an old oak tree, you wait and see

Maybe I'll write like Twain wrote
Maybe I'll paint like Van Gogh
Cure the common cold, I don't know
But I'm ready to start 'cause I know in my heart

I wanna do something that matters, say something different
Something that sets the whole world on its ear
I wanna do something better with the time I've been given
I wanna try to touch a few hearts in this life
Leave nothing less than something that says I was here

I will prove you wrong
If you think I'm all talk, you're in for a shock
'Cause this dream's too strong and before too long

Maybe I'll compose symphonies
Maybe I'll fight for world peace
'Cause I know it's my destiny
To leave more than a trace of myself in this place

I wanna do something that matters, say something different
Something that sets the whole world on its ear
I wanna do something better with the time I've been given
I wanna try to touch a few hearts in this life
And leave nothing less than something that says i was here

And I know that I, I will do more than just pass through this life
I'll leave nothing less than something that says I was here
I was here

it sticks in my mind. it's meaningful in a beautiful way that i should have used the lines as the reasons why i choose medicine. it just fits so perfectly.

maybe i was wrong on giving advices and comments on relationships. i should not have think that what i said and thought matter the most and made sense the most. i am nobody to judge some more i really have not experiencing such a thing to deliver what is right and what is wrong because in a relationship, i guess that there is no things labeled as right or wrong. there could be million of doubts and there is no specific answer to the infinite questions.

as i aged, i find it hard for me to believe in people and indulge in any kind of close intimate relationships with the opposite sex. i do not understand a thing about it but i enjoy so much in romance novella. i guess that it is because everything about it is so fictional that i wish that there is such a perfection in reality. it a great escapism. losing oneself in the beautifully created world of romance and emotion. writings that could touch one hearts and made you moved and weep.

being friend

okay. let's take a break. i cant stand it anymore. i have been repeatedly reading the notes and i assume that i have made a thorough study about it but i think that if anyone is to test my knowledge, i will put up a blank blurry face because i am sure that the input is not promising. poor me. i am going to be so dead.

there were so many things that popped up a few days ago that i find it hard to swallow in one go. i have friends that came up with some family problems, relationship problems and health problems. and knowing that they were struggling with such harshness, i couldn't just stay indifference and insensitive about it. i am a friend and i have the responsibility to care about them and find a solution to their adversities. at least a message and an advice and spending some time to hear them poured out their inner feelings help to subside their worried and leave them a sense of warmness.

speaking of family problems, as we know, death is imminent. gee. it's really a hard to sit besides someone who weep involuntarily knowing that she must have been very sad and struggling to accept the death of the loved one. what was i supposed to say? that it's all destined and nothing is going to change that fact and that life has to go on? it's okay to cry and weep. but i feel like an idiot because i don't know what can i do to help. offer a few pieces of tissue and i am always there to hear what she has got to say. yes. i am always there but i can't promise that i will be a good advisor and listener. but trust me, i understand how painful it is.

well, relationship problems. gee. this has got to do with love struck relationships. i think that if ones is to break off from a relationship, it doesn't worth the time and energy to ponder upon the problems that lead to that hurtful ending. i mean, if the guy is to responsible for it, just forget about him because there are always better candidates. wasting time on thinking about the continuos chapters that lead to that epilogues isn't going to help much especially when there is something more crucial to deal with ahead. well, that is what someone with no experiences has in mind and it is a total bullshit. what i meant to convey is that it is all his loss to not appreciate someone like you and that now you have got to know his true colours so who has got leverage over here?

lastly, friend with health problem. i have a good friend that out of sudden telling me that he was in the hospital for some obscure heart complication a few days ago. i thought he was just joking around and didn't take it seriously because he was in the school healthily in the morning. but then, i realized that it is no laughing matter. nonetheless, he was later diagnosed with influenza b the next day. gee. it totally send me into a dark lost world for a while because i might be losing a friend and at such tender age if the worst happen. but then, the next day, i am totally relieved because he was getting better and that i hope that he will fully recover soon.

gosh. so many to deal with within a week. and i have exam this coming monday but i don't think that i am well prepared for it.

refining my oath

i am lucky. i am grateful. most of all, i am contented.

it has always been my dream since high school that i want to get into a medical school, get a degree and become a good, qualified doctor. honestly speaking, it really has to do with House. that's when i find that medicine is just so interesting and intriguing and that i am so going to do it for the rest of my life. of course, i do understand and aware that a doctor's life is never glamorous and sophisticated as what is portrayed from the drama like House and Grey's Anatomy. after all, those are just soap operas.

as a first year medical student now, sometimes, when i went for lectures and all, i could hardly believe that i am seriously there, enduring my life as a medical student. this is not a dream but a reality that i am living in it. i could not alter how i want the plot to develop but i know that for every little thing that i do it will somehow going to affect the future outcomes. i am contented and satisfied of my choice that medicine is the only thing that i am interested in practicing. i could hardly imaging myself in other profession. truth, there could have been thousands more career that could have bring more income than what a doctor earns even greater than a renowned surgeon or specialist. nonetheless, i believe that by becoming a doctor, i would find ultimate satisfaction and lasting joy in it as this undying passion is going to motivate me and grow with me as i move along in my life. i am seriously enjoying what i have been learning for the passed few weeks. it is all so medicine (in theory) and i am really looking forward for my clinical practices. there are so much more to learn and absorb yet i don't like to study things for the sake of exam. it could be stressful but i am trying to diverge it into a fun learning process in which the bottom line is not about getting highest marks.

in addition, i would love to instill a love of helping those who are suffered from agony and pain and turning it to become my ultimate reason why i want to be a doctor. i want to help. no. i am still having a hard time uttering those in front of others because it would be so fake and that i lack the sincerity and genuineness in it. but, i think that i am so going to discover more of the fun in helping others, especially spiritually. sometimes, i dream of changing the world into a better place as in putting an effort to care about others, control my anger, be nice even though i could somehow disapprove of others and be good even though i am ill-treated and by doing that through my daily basis, it is good enough than not even trying but whining around.

this is what i chose and i am not regretting anything and i love it because it is so much of fun.

our song

i always get reminders from my parents if things are to get any obstructions when i have to get it done and that it is normally centered on my incapability to make a thorough organize before implementing it. well, the thing is that i always assumed that luck is on me and that things will turn out just perfectly exactly as the way i want it to be but sometimes that is not the case.

nonetheless, in studies, i always make thorough planning, i mean i always have things in mind of what to do and complete and that it has got to be done in order for me to proceed. i don't like having timetable and schedule because i am sure that i will never ever going to follow it. besides, it would definitely be very dull like having a different meal each day in a week but it is repetitive in which the next week the cycle continue. oh. how i like the timetable for the class in ukm. we have different timetable for each week and sometimes there is only one lecture. in addition, by having a timetable, i sort of going to bind to it and lose my free will on doing other things. it needs commitment and i think that i am not going to be able to fulfill it.

therefore, when my Aunt called telling that she's coming over and going to bring me for spending a night at her house tomorrow, i am bewildered. i am so dead. i am going to do my revision and study this weekend. i have so much to catch up and that i need this weekend to strengthen my understanding and concept on the various mind-boggling topics in which memorizing plays an important role but she's insisting that i need a break. i am so freaked out and i so want to burst to tears. my first response was a little bit rude, i do admit it as i told her of my dire condition but this is all for the sake of my future. it is going to be my first module exam. i don't want to fail it. i had been missing the lectures and studies for days and i couldn't take it anymore. i seriously desperately need the weekend to catch up in my studies.

what can i do? i need my own moment. i need this desk and the books and the internet available. i guess hat i have to play impudent again tomorrow and that i hope that she will really understand. there is always next time right?

it had been a one hectic day. the lecture and practical lesson are till noon but i had to attend a gathering for those who participate in Asian Medical Student Association (AMSA). i am so prud and happy that my group came as forst runner-up. good job guys. sorry for not contributing much. i have been real lucky lately. get free food from the hamper. =] liking cloud nine.

damsel in distress

it was supposed to be a one fine day. but it rained and the clothes wet. all my efforts withered. how nice it is to get to know things before it happens? but i am going to miss out the excitement and anticipation behind the unexpected outrageous outcomes like a box of chocolates and you'll never know what's inside until you open it.

the girl that i have been stalking for quite some time is doing dentistry in ukm. ok. i guess that i will stop my unusually weird behavior and stop stalking people around. it is so unhealthy that i might be diagnosed as psychologically impaired.

i am still my same old self. trying to adjust. i sometimes like to drift in my own autistic world. it is just so hard to communicate sometimes with people and did feel left out but i just bear with it at times because it is really one of my many handicaps. make friends and stuffs but sometimes i want to be alone. i think i can really afford to go independent and do things on my own because i hate waiting and detest more when people have to wait for me. duh. it is so hard to tell since i have come so far.

when friends come into troubles, it is so going to be the worst case scenario for me to endure. i have to play a part in it in the name of friend. trying to seek words for consolation and encouragement but at the same time i feel helpless at it and reckoning myself as lame. duh. still could show up a happy face while facing those who are in the dire straits. i just want to clarify that i am really no good at communicating. please, spare me.

teenage dream

it was a 4 days straight of outing around KL. it happened to be quite tiring but i did cherish every moment of it because i was with people that are all important to me.

Having dinner at Pavillion with my buddy and grandbuddies is so unforgettable because i have sort of becoming a part of their family. great things are really happening to me as i reckoned before. it is somewhat surreal. i hope that the relationship lasts and that we'll get even more close together but everyone seems so busy with their own hectic medical students life.

then, i went for Inception in KLCC yesterday. it was such a brilliant movie. i remembered inscribing of my lucid dream last month and now watching such an awesome movie about dreaming in a dream and things to do with the complex mind. kudos to the screenwriter.

now, i have to catch up with my studies. no more outings or movie but a thorough, complete study. i feels terrible and guilty for abandoning my studies for such a long time. going to lecture hall with empty minds. i feel so useless.