Terminal stage

the worst feeling in the world is when you feel like spilling out your feeling, thoughts and problems that you have kept to yourself for what seemed like eternity to the one you love most and dear to heart but to be turned down because apparently that someone doesn't understand and know you well enough when you are the one who stupidly thought that that someone is the only reason you live and moved on serving as one of the purpose of life.

gawd. i feel so bad for myself for spilling that tad of tears. Tears that are formed under high pressurized grudge that has been held for a long time. Tears that symbolize self-pity and self-absorbed over a matter that is left unsolved, unspoken of. no. actually, it was brought to the discussion table once but eventually remain case-closed without any proper (and my desire) solution instead to have to put me into a situation that i find very much difficult to brace thru. i think people just dont want to talk about it anymore. people are sick and tired of my unending whining. again, how i wish the thing with the switching-body stuffs, Freaky Friday are able to be utilize in real life because i need it very much so that they can be in my position. only then, they are able to evaluate and analyze how much damage and mental disturbance everything has succumbed into, leading to a self-destructing me, now.

it was just another side of me that i didnt expose thanks to the convincing poker face. and here i am, feeling the urge to inscribe it here. I feel like blogspot has become a space for me to show and deal with my anger-management and self-hypnotising thing. One day I was fine and contented with life, another I find it dark, gloomy. Often, I stared out the windows, looking at the traffic, lost in thought in the vast sky, wondering. Wasn't sure if I am grateful to have this life or I m better off dead.

Thee author of my biography should really comes out with something new already. This chapter should be ended as soon as possible chai am not sure whether my character is going to make reader intrigued and glued to the anticipation of turning the pages. The author should really comes out with new inspiration, something crazy, something fun, something creative because this, this is not fun. This is misery. This character might die out even before the author Himself called upon an epilogue. I am trying very hard too to create escapism from this mistaken chapter. Hoping to find courage and inspiration as well as new idea on how to start a new chapter, making pathway to link to the road not taken. Gotta be fast, I don't know how long this time machine last. And I feel like I am in terminal stage cancer.

slipped away

Mother breathed her last breath and is gone, forever. She was there with her, watching with terrifying eyes how the BP dropped so unexpectedly with every ticking millisecond which also signifying the mother has insidiously faded away into the other world. The face turned from healthy pink to pale white and lips turning blue from lush pink. How could a girl, a daughter ever possibly embrace the sight before her?

i couldnt resist the hostile tears that dropped so stubbornly from the corner of my eyes with my courageously gritted teeth. it was my first time after all attending a friend's mother funeral. a friend who is only in her late teen, pre adulthood. it was my first time after all burning the incense for a deceased friend's mother. i hardly know her but just a couple of times from the picture. That picture used to portray a happily married n loving couples. She was indeed a beautiful woman with a big heart and a loving motherly instinct. and i know that the children, especially the daughter loves her so much, more than words could depict. what would happen now and for the time to come to look back the old pictures, to reminiscing the good old time knowing that she is gone forever and only photographs are left for memories and served to restore and preserved her youth.

to imagine all those thing to happen on myself worsen my condition. how could i ever suppressed the incoming feelings. i hardly get emotional (in public) unless i am really emotional. (o.O) i hardly shed my tears. but, the facts and the events before me really triggered the sensitive side of me. i feel sorry and sympathy for her lost. selfish enough, i was lucky to have my parents still around. i really couldnt imagine a life without my mother, i mean, at this point of life. i am not ready to let her go just yet, not now or forever.

sometimes, i just wonder whether i deserved to be this happy and laugh away knowing that my friend on the other hand is struggling and battling such imminent lost. it was a great lost and i am very sure everything is not going to be the same again for the family especially herself. while enjoying good moments with friends and sharing laughters, always always always a piece of me reminding myself of such sorrowful event of a close friend. but i guess life has to move on. same to her, time will heal. it's a fact that she's gone but she lives in the heart. so, keeps it beating.

i feel like a double-face hypocrite.

Garden

Today went for Minhui's birthday celebration at The Garden, MidValley. Actually, there have been issues n things going on but I guess I choose to avoid everything because I don't like and I don't want to explain myself so much. I don't want to raise any awkward moments or create more problems to everything that is already happening. So, I don't really know what's going to happen but I am just keeping cool with how everything turns out. Let's just keep it that way. I am very well aware that we can never go back to the past anymore.

I don't feel like apologising or anything but at least just showing appreciation. It's a birthday after all. Some take birth day seriously but I guess it's significant for me in another way.

Anyway, wish I live a different life. Seriously. I wish my life is easier. Sudden thought about it again after hearing conversations of others. I don't always like to be nosy about others business because I know that I have my own to take care off and I don't even know how to deal with everything so why should I get involve with people's things? The weird thing is that even I don't want to know, they will just randomly tell the happening things even if I said no. Awkward.

Gawd. I seriously need to buck up and keep pace already even though a huge part of me is resisting and rejecting everything so aggressively. It just amplifies since I don't know when. I really don't want to continue anymore. I really don't feel like its my true calling.

AVRIL LAVIGNE BLACK STAR TOUR KL 2012

She is exactly what i imagine she is. No words could articulate what i feel throughout the night or even before it even started. It was indeed one of the most memorable night in my life. It was a dream came true. I have been having the same thoughts and imagination for the past 10 years. The night itself, i feel enchanted and completely awestruck by her presence. Everything is still very surreal for me. i think i am going to take time to digest everything. Gawd. AVRIL LAVIGNE WAS JUST METERS AWAY!

I felt so damn nervous hours before the show. Kept on fidgeting n telling the others that I AM SUPER DUPER NERVOUS for the show. i dont even know if i was breathing properly, having palpitation n tachycardia n all those abnormal findings. i was ecstatic!

My brother and i were totally lucky. We were there passed 730 at Stadium Merdeka. I dont even know it was that near. Hop off from Maharajalela monorail station and it was on the left. I was astounded by the long queuing crowd, thinking to myself it cant be that long. TRUST ME! the Q is super duper long. I sort of just knew the Q is not going to be those for Tune Talk Zone. So, we walked past the crowd and come to the small little entrance cuz i saw the sign board written there and also from the promotional poster. And i saw that there's a long Q too but the Q was confusing. They wasnt even in a perfect line. Being the first concert goers, we seriously do not know any of the proper 'procedures' and appropriate 'steps'. I just asked the security that seemed like on his duty, with a dumb, innocent look n polite manner. :D i actually knew that the Q on the right gotta be for the Tune Talk Zone but i am not sure where to start Q. WHERE THE HELL WAS THE END ANYWAY? So, he gave us a nod and green light and 'ushered' us in.

There. (i knew this after the concert) The people had started Q-ing since afternoon! i actually feel bad for them. And there were a lot of comments on how unprofessional the organizer was in organizing such event with the poor organization of entrance (there are only a couple of entrance n the securities on duty were not sufficient hence it slows down the whole ticket-and-prohibited-items checking process.) And i heard that some were able to jump in the Tune Talk Zone from the regular zone. To put two and two together, it was quite an unorganized and incompetent commitment from the organizers and security officers and the others involved. Nonetheless, i still want to thank Mrs Susan Tan, the ladyboss of JS Concert for bringing AVRIL LAVIGNE (*AAAAAAA-SCREAMMMM!!!) to Malaysia for the second time.

I think i have never seen myself so overwhelmed and enchanted-like before. Avril Lavigne, live, standing within the same atmosphere with me? All these times, i am just watching her from Utube, Facebook, TV, newspaper, radio and magazine. And there she was, standing perfectly so beautifully cute and pretty on the stage, ready to rock the night. For a moment, my heart stopped beating, i felt a sudden jerk of freeze and thought i was going to pass out. I was singing throughout the concert! screaming here and there! I enjoyed the night so very much! it was awesome! And i am missing Avril, still, after two days. Everything's still playing in my mind. And i love her even more and more after 18th february. :)

Life 's too short gotta live it long

Damn. I think I suddenly fall for a friend's boyfriend. :O no worries, it will go away.

Hahaha. That's probably the most bitchy and Inappropriately stupid statement I have ever made. Gawd. Valentines day which is also equivalent as Single awareness day keep me thinking about my definition of boyfriend n having a relationship with someone.

I think my ideal kind of boyfriend would be S! No kidding. Recently just found out that s is the only one who shared common interest n mutual gaganess with me! I feel like sharing everything with her! however, often feel like an annoyance so i just let it pass. :D no offense to others please. :P

I'm just too stressed up about the coming neurosciences exam. Duh. N somehow, cortisol fluctuation leads me to these. -.- just try to be naught, and " bitchy". I have to voice it out somehow.

And this lead me to my another dilemma which is that I find that I always let opportunities slip from my hand. Never ever once try get hold tightly of any open opportunities butto just let it pass by which is a real pain n remorse reflecting back.

Anyway, relating the missed opportunities to boys, should I find someone I kindof like, should I make the move n just tell? U know, they say that life's short.

The more I try to explain myself, the more horny n desperate it sounds ryt?

let's take a walk

so nice talking to mum and having mum to explain the real intuition and insight of life, or rather based on her view; although i was just acting dumb, deliberately playing ignorance of all the important and undebatable facts, truths and values. i have always look up to mum, wishing that she could actualy be my REAL best friend forever, though she already is but something is missing. there are still a lot we never talk about. it would be so damn awesome if my mum knows One Direction, Gossip Girl, Grey's Anatomy, Avril Lavigne n all that sillily awesome stuffs. And several other sillily serious stuffs.

and yes. she is the one i proudly admit that i've grown to love each day more and more if that's even possible. so God, i love this woman so much. more than words can articulate. help her by helping me too will ya?

sometimes, i dont even understand where does all her strength and unceasing faith on me comes from. it concurrently brings more stress and burden on me knowing how much and how many people care for me. but, come walk in my shoes with me, anyone?

#sometimes it's worthy to be a psychopath rather than having these feelings

time after time

i am really happy today to see how the one that i care about and love wholeheartedly is able to move on after a few episodes of difficulties. it really warms my heart. well, even if i am not sure if everything is just an illusion, an effort in trying to mask the still-unforgettable-past, i dont really mind because now, at least i wont see words around telling the world how miserable life has been.

that's it! you fall, pick yourself up and live life again, with colors. i am probably too hostile and too judgemental previously because i am not the one who succumb to such situation, with the heartaches and all so who was i to judge. no. of course i am so used to be a damsel in distress, but just not the same kind of distress. well, time definitely proves that it's the best medicine and remedy ever after. some people needs less while some need more. eventually, we are all going to get thru all the miseries and being revive again, as a whole new and better person.

It's a god test

I just don't think it's okay to mock others' belief practice. even if they can't choose to born in which kind of environment n upbringing, hence "unfortunately" aren't not even able to choose what to believe, many still have faith n adhere to it because somehow it make sense to them. So, don't doubt them. Even if they are trying their best to give "preacher" and trying to make it sensible to us, we should have just listened.

Feeling bad because we are interacting with each other everyday. Isn't it hypocrite to have friends of different belief n yet talking behind their back like that? Please.

#reflect on ur self before judging others

black star

i am overwhelmingly excited for the coming Avril Lavigne Black Star Concert! i really do. but i am just keeping cool about it as people are asking about it whenever they see me. i would go like 'yeah...it's on 18th feb'. keeping a smile on my face but inside i was like 'gawdddddd. stop asking please. (i regret for posting in facebook. basically, it's like telling the world already') isnt it obvious wth fb n all? gee. feeling a tad of disgust, of myself n perhaps the pretentiously-curious one for just boringly starting a chit-chat session.

the only weird thing about it is that whenever i think of attending it, it just feel blank and lost. i dont know what to expect, what to do, because first and foremost, it would be my first presence on an international artist concert n secondly, it is my all time favourite idol ever! DOUBLE EXCITEMENT!

it's really hard for me to explain how i feel about avril. she has been the one that i listen to (gah not really nowadays but i still love the songs!), the one i look forward to heard from, the updates, her recent news and stuffs. and i have been listening to her for years, since her debut. i have seen her in pictures, videos and to be able to be seeing her live, experiencing the same ambience, breathing in the same air, just standing within her 100 metres perimeter is pretty surreal for me n unfathomable. i cant even explain how i feel so much connected to her since day 1.

If/Then

"what if one little thing i said or did, could have made it all fall apart?

what if i've chosen another life for myself or another person?

we might have never found each other.

what if i've been raised differently?", Meredith Grey or in this very episode Meredith Webber.

the latest episode of grey's anatomy, If/Then is just so awesome. i love it cuz of the title and the message it's trying to convey though seeing how the characters are paired up is a little unacceptable for me. but in the end, we all get it that it's trying to say no matter how things progress differently from the very first choice you made, eventually, at the end, you will end up with your true destiny. quote Alex Carev n Mandy Bailey : You create your own destiny! darn. the shows make me laugh so much. how could you not love it!

Meredith's opening line just blew me away! it was exactly what i have been thinking all these time! What if. see. people think about it all the time. i'm not the only one who thinks too much. miss gypsy is right about almost everything. i just think too much sometimes and the consequence is that it dampen my spirits. yea. i admit it that i've been (and always will be) thinking so much because how could i not, looking at the way how things do not work out the way i want it to be. looking at the outcomes. you just have to doubt it anyhow.

Masterchef in the making

I actually love cooking! Just that I am lazy sometimes for the need to wash N clean up afterwards, don't mind the preparation which includes chopping, tossing n all. I just don't like to play with water.

Growing up, used to have a bizillion of ambition. One day I was like, hey I want to be a pilot. Another, I want to be a model. Next, I want to be an architect n then, u just wish u could marry off a millionaire, going around the world without a carme of how u going to fence for ur self in the future. Yet, having an ambition n choosing a career isn't all about the income it's going to generate but the joy in doing so. Thinking about what you want to do for the decades to come. You've got to find what u love.

I find a lot of fun cooking. It has insidiously become a part of my hobbies n a mean for me to unwind myself from doing what I don't like to do. In addition, the moment you get to indulge in Ur own tastilicious cooking is just priceless. (I actually think the tomyam I make is really not bad. Delicious. Wink. Of course it won't beat the one serves in reputable restaurants but I really like mine. Boastful much?)