redifinition

i do admit that i used to be an overachiever. now. i dont even know who or what i am anymore.

there's definitely something wrong with my studies. the way i am doing it. i do not even know what is the problem, what the hell had gone wrong with everything i have laid out for myself, my planning and all. i set a target for myself and i work hard for t. i did my studies but it's a futile attempt, again. it's not tough. it's totally do-able because i've seen in others. what makes them better than i am? not that i do care about the rat race but it's the matter of hard work does not pay all the time. i need a redefinition. i need improvement. i need everything that it takes to achieve what i have set. why am i not even like very devastated over it? why am i paying indifference towards it and putting on a laid back attitude? is it really an escapism?

i do admit that i already know the root cause. i am living in a deniable world. i lost my consciousness. i lost my sensible. i lose myself.

i do admit that i am envious of others. but i admire them at the same time. they're so brilliant. i take hard work to take in everything and they probably just see and hear once. what am i then? who am i to be here?

no. i have the interest. it has always been my driven force. spiritually motivated. i want to help. i want to change the world. i want to help every little thing that i could in people that come across my life and make them feel special. i will move on although i could not promise that i am the best around. i want to make the world a more beautiful place to live in. there's too much of suffer, agony and pain and it would be awesome to be a part in alleviating them. treating the patients at the same time with the disease. yes. i know i ahve the right to be upset but i am happy that i am still strong and confident enough to move on. i need to talk to somebody. i need my Mother but i keep on denying it and escape from my intention of pouring out everything to her. not that i want to worry her or anything but i want her to know that i am still okay and moving on. i will continue on fighting. i am not putting pressure on myself. yeah. maybe that's the problem. i did not push myself too hard instead i just go with the flow and take everything easily in indifference manner.

i definitely need to redefine myself.

but the thing i love about myself is that i am optimistic about all the bad and worse happening on me. i can still put on a smile, laughters and cheering around and just move on. because you'll never know what would happen next.

A night to remember

yesterday night was a blast and such a memorable event. it was the junior welcoming night for first year medical students and second year seniors are invited. well. i mean, they have to be there for it's like a night where seniors and juniors can interact and we are doing present exchange too. i got a bracelet from my dear buddy but do not think i will use it frequently. well. i will be trying my best to put it into good use i guess. i like it because it's very pretty.

everyone else was like so darn pretty and super tall. duh. i did not have make up on and i dont even bother to get a pair of heels. luckily i didn't wear my snickers there. well. i choose really not to put on makeup and buy heels. somehow, i feel abase. i always feel inferior whenever i am with people. oh there goes. that's one of the reason why i seldom join in the big crowd and choose to go for lonesomeness, sometimes. it's because i feel degraded in front of those amazing people around me and it's hard for me to deal with my transient emotional change, sometimes. though, i would still put on a smile and move on. it works better when the thing is undoubtedly unbearable. i would be faking. i always do that because i have always been in detriment because i have unlimited want and infinite desire. things that i am not even sure if they are mine and it always feels like everything belongs to others. it sounds odd aint it? it's like hypocrite.

okay. enough. the night was really memorable and enjoyable. i laughed hard and a lot. yet, bitterness lingers around. i sometimes wish and pray hard that i can know things beforehand. duh. i do understand the consequences of it. sometimes, it's better to be indifferent because ignorance is bliss.

i have been having this strong insane intense emotions and i always put on a smile, a fake bogus smile. sooner, time will cure i guess. i am listening to songs to help me deal with everything. and i have my future to ponder upon. there is always a brand new day. do not always dwell in the past and do cherish the present, anticipated for the future. XD

Bruno Mars-Just the way you are

Jewel-Hole in my heart

it's magical

a couple of days ago, i was like so over the moon because i have completed my task when i promised my brother to help him in essay writing things since i am so free and all after the end of second module exam. i was like so freaked out before that because i have promised him to try to complete in a day but i realized that it is no easy task because i have forgotten how to write a decent BM essay.

the next day, i was more determined and cracked my congested mind to really complete everything because i want to impress my brother. i could have done better though. however, my brother was really really really happy and excited and surprised and impressed that i have managed to help him in that particular assignment. he said it's amazing. he was real grateful i think. i felt so awesome and feel really great about myself because i feel like i have done something special, some more it is for my brother. i really feel a sense of inexplainable joy. it's almost magical. my life is really starting to make a turning point or rather moving optimistically positively forward.

today, i met with a couple of friendly and nice random stranger on the bus and faculty. it's such a bless. i couldn't really take it knowing that these people do actually care and mind to offer a help and anything possible knowing that i am merely a passerby. i feel like somewhat guilty and a need to be more helpful and kind towards as many as possible people. and yes, i am still holding on to that principle. sometimes, it makes me more determined when people are being impudent and disrespectful towards me. it's very painful and disheartening to see such moral decadency in our society nowadays especially in this big city. i will still offer a smile and a 'thank you' when appropriate. i need to make the world a better place to live in. and my purpose of still being nice even though i am ill-treated is because that i think it serves as a lesson and it gives an insight for that particular offender to ponder upon his/her doings. moreover, if both parties are like so stubborn to tolerate and give up, there will definitely be no cure in salvaging this lost world.

today, i somewhat was drifted into my own emotional (emo) world because i suppose i just got some enlightenment on my sudden swift behavior. yes. it's a part of escapism but it's more than that. yes. i do miss my old self sometimes. i need to indulge in my own world sometimes and not to get the attention all the time or anything. it's somewhat a painful to mingle with people knowing how their thinking and thoughts and personality is not to my approval, sometimes. there are time when i am still doubt of who i am, the true self of mine. it's like i have been faking my life all this while because i keep on having multiple mood on different occasions. i suppose i know the root cause of it but not sure if i am able to overcome this unhealthy habit. i could be bubbly and talkative sometimes but the opposite way the next second. what i am sure of is that i will take every moment because i own them and try my very best to savour every bit of it.

i love to laugh out loud. i love to be with people who can make me laugh. i love to be with people who have the same interest as me, those kind that make you feel as if we have been knowing each other for a long time yet eager to treasure more of it. i love to be with people that i am really comfortable with. i feel like a need to read minds sometimes. whatever it is, i will just let things work out on it owns because He must have planned out the bestest for me. i just want to be nice, humble and honest on who i am. i do have unlimited wants but it will be way so unfair to own everything knowing there are less fortunate people. therefore, i am going to make my loss and for whatever that i am not owning as a gain at the same time so that i am grateful always. though, i guess it's okay to pray and strive for things sometimes. so that He hear me.

Love

Quote from a passage of Corinthians.

Love is always patient and kind

It is never jealous

Love is never boastful or conceited

It is never rude or selfish

It does not take offense and is not resentful

Love takes no pleasure in other people's sins

but delights in the truth

It is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope,

and to endure whatever comes.

i have been liking these passage since a long long time ago. That's also when i fall in love with Nicholas Sparks i guess. and i reread A Walk To Remember again and will always be reading it again. and yes. Jamie Sullivan is the bestest character ever exist. and i kind of envy her.

Love comes in many forms. There could be love for God, the family, friends, animals, things and also definitely that special one. gee. speaking of this. yeah. that's totally my point of this particular post.

At the age of near 19, i have never been in love. i mean like indulging in a serious relationship with some special one, that special one that make you feel special, make you feel loved and make you feel not lonely even though there are a bunch of friends and family members around. yes. it's magical. i know that it totally gives a different feeling. you can fly anytime, without wings. you can go crazy thinking about that particular one. you heart is out of tunes, skipping a few beats. you forget how to breathe yet still survive with the presence of him. Of course, in my high school and college, i used to have a couple of crushes on random people. thinking of how everything works out, i feel like an idiot. i do not even understand or remember in the first place why do i fall for that particular one. eh. when i redo the calculation, i do really really feel stupid. why oh why do i spend time on these people? what have they done to me? i feel like wasting my time waiting for unanswered destiny.

yes. now. i am almost 19. i want to be in love. i want to be loved. why do i have this intense feeling now? first, looking around seeing peers indulging in relationships make it seems like it is totally a normal thing to give a go in a relationship. it seems interesting. yeah. i already know it is. it's more than having a crush. if your crush is having a thing for you too and i think that would be way too awesome. gee. i sound desperate i know. but i am going to finish my story. i think it's so gong to be a long post because i am bored and i have a lot to say. then, when i get back a couple of days ago, Grandmother was saying the love-relation thingy. duh. she was like totally not supporting me to be in any relationships because she's worried that i might abandon my studies and influence my education and so on so forth. my Aunt, on the other hand was saying the opposite things. opposing my grandmother. saying that she believes i can handle all these things well and totally support it if the time really comes. my Mother, on the other hand, just smirking. not giving any comments or anything. i come into a conclusion myself. if the time really comes, i will give it a try. the problem is.....i haven't found anyone (and if there's really someone will it be a mutual feeling a)nd i feel like a need to be in love. i dont want to grow old lonely. i am afraid that i have no time to indulgence in love when i am starting my hectic life as a doctor. so, i have come to my tertiary education now. is it time yet?

Love is patient and kind. Yes. it is. Patient as in testing our endurance, our faith. if it is true love, then i am willing to wait. just be patient. God mush have everything laid back for me and i believe in him.

It is never jealous. Yes. if i am liking and starting to develop a love for this particular someone, i should never feel jealous for whatever things that he'd done for evoking that jealousy in me. i should love him whole-heartedly. if it's true love. there should not be any jealousy. love is for sharing. it's like the love for God and Family and Friends. there's no such thing as you are the only one needing the attention and affection. everyone deserves to be loved and cared. but. yes. it is hard. even in the crushing-state.

Love is never boastful and conceited. when we love, or loved, there should be humility in ourselves too. because, who knows that someday, God take it away. we should love everything and God's creations equally and genuinely.

It is never rude or selfish. yes. loving equally and with sensible and rationality.

It does not take offense and is not resentful. this is so hard. jealousy and greediness are so hard to swallow at times. i am really trying to develop a nobility, sincerity, loving, forgiving and strong heart in enduring whatever comes. i should be reminding myself of how lucky i am and contented with my life for all the bad and good.

Love takes no pleasure in other people's sin but delights in the truth. gee. this is a little difficult for me to do self-interpretation. i supposed that we see sin as a way to improve the quality of life, no? we should treat sin as a lesson, taking no pleasure when people have done wrong and in awkward humiliating situations. i am really making Jamie as my role model. if only i see things as she did.

It is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope, and to endure whatever comes. Yes. that's what true, genuine, divine love is all about. two people, bonded and should be resilient in enduring their life together. forgiveness, trustworthy and strength are important in maintaining a relationship and make it grows fonder. love transcend impossibility, i suppose.

i really feel like a need to be loved. not that i am not now but i need someone special. shoulders to cry and lean on when i am down. supports that never cease. communications that never bored me to death and happiness in any form that make me feel like i am someone special, alive. i need someone to make me laugh out loud every day. i dont want a mundane monotonous lifestyle. i need someone to grow old with. i need a hand to hold on to when i am lost. i need everything that it takes to make life meaningful. we could do all crazy things together and i already have some of the things plan out. looking at my parents, i somehow wish that when i am old like them, there still going to be that sparks alive between me and that special one (lets cross fingers that i could really find one because i want only the best and one and only). maybe i couldn't see it with naked eyes. but my parents are one loving couple. oh. why do i feel like reading The Notebook again. Noah Calhoun is one nearly prefect boy and he will make you the world.

yes. you can say i am desperate. i ado admit it. because i am afraid of the time left. i dont want to die alone without knowing that someone special is loving me as much as i am loving him with all i could. i think i am ready enough to love because i love myself, God, family and all. i just missed something.

Quote from Ed Westwick : When i am in love, i am pretty much completely smitten.

p/s i have the courage to write this out partly due to two best friends of mine

speechless

I can't believe what you said to me Last night when we were alone You threw your hands up Baby you gave up, you gave up  I can't believe how you looked at me With your James Dean glossy eyes In your tight jeans with your long hair And your cigarette stained lies  Could we fix you if you broke? And is your punch line just a joke?  I'll never talk again Oh boy you've left me speechless You've left me speechless, so speechless  And I'll never love again Oh boy you've left me speechless You've left me speechless, so speechless  I can't believe how you slurred at me With your half wired broken jaw You popped my heart seams All my bubble dreams, bubble dreams  I can't believe how you looked at me With your Johnnie Walker eyes He's gonna get you and after he's through There's gonna be no love left to rye  And I know that it's so complicated But I'm a loser in love So baby raise a glass to mend All the broken hearts Of all my wrecked up friends  I'll never talk again Oh boy you've left me speechless You've left me speechless, so speechless  And I'll never love again, Oh friend you've left me speechless You've left me speechless, so speechless  And after all the drinks and bars that we've been to Would you give it all up? Could I give it all up for you?  And after all the boys and the girls that we've been through Would you give it all up? Could you give it all up? If I promise, boy, to you  That I'll never talk again And I'll never love again I'll never write a song Won't even sing along I'll never love again  So speechless You left me speechless, so speechless  Will you ever talk again? Oh boy, why you so speechless? You've left me speechless, so speechless  Some men may follow me But you choose "death and company" Why you so speechless? Oh oh oh

Note to myself

i am having a bad day today. sleepless night for no particular reasons probably for the fear that i am going for classes with blank mind and sickening mood. this is unhealthy. this is so wrong.

i didn't speak a word at all during the last pbl session for second module and i think i just got myself in trouble by not scoring anything because i could see that the fasilitator was scribbing things down and i know that she was making a tick or whatever it is for those contribute and i think i dont get a tick. i just sat rooted to the chair because i got the whole things wrong. my prepared answers did not answer to the questions given. i was cursing, at myself. i felt so bad and disappointed with myself again.

serious. what had gone wrong with myself? my studies is disastrous now. i do not even know how to fix everything up and i do not even know if ever i will ever get back on the right track. my life is a mess now. i used to be so hardworking then. what had gone wrong with that? where is that 'diligence' in me? long gone. goodbye.

i have been feeling uneasy about myself since i-dont-know-when. it's pretty hard to keep track with my irregular mood swing. i have different feeling about myself every single minute. however, i am so grateful and thankful to know that i am still comfortable with my character with my friend that i have been missing recently. it's like magical. it feels as if everything's okay even when it's not. though, sometimes i wish i am Edward. nonetheless, ignorance is a bliss. see, i am doing that again.

okay. Dear H,

from now on, you have to strive in scoring for your second module exam. education is important. some more, you are doing medicine. you dont want to be an ignorant, indifference, dumb medical student.

whatever that happen, God must have His plan for you. And for those coming events, need not to worry because He must have something greater and better for you. You just have to live through your life, happily everyday. take time to dwell in your own fetish/obsession but make sure you get your studies properly managed. what happen to your dream to become a qualified doctor that want to serve for the community with your own effort and interest? this spirit should not die out but to be enhanced and enlightened every single day. you have to remind yourself on that. (i have so many things pooping out. gee. i think i am s stressed out. gee. this is unhealthy.)

be good everyday. be nice. be humble. be happy. be yourself. do what you do, just keep on laughing. there is always a brand new day. do not let insignificant things to affect yourself please. you are mature enough to think of what to be put as priority. do not be lazy. do not think so much of the dissolve mystery and unanswerable questions. you are no Edward. do think of your dream. medicine. yes. this is what you choose. and you should have no regret although there are times when you faced with those inexplainable, insane stuffs to take note. it is important. just do your best. take joy in learning.

oh hell yeah. i should be reading this note to myself everyday.

the beginning

well. i seriously have no idea on where to start; everything. my studies, my life, my routine.

Brother sent me back to residential college in the afternoon. we went shopping for a printer before that though. it's so awkward. i could feel the tense with him around. it's kind of hard for us to communicate because we havent have any of decent, easy-going conversations for years. duh. nonetheless, i am very grateful and enjoy his company. i always think of my Brother as someone awesome and handsome. he knew the ways around and helped me set up everything and i just feel so blessed. it's enough for me i guess.

Gee. i miss home. i miss Mother. i miss Father. i didn't even feel any sadness when they left a couple of days ago because i was like so darn sleepy and i believe that somewhere down my heart, i was whispering that they should have left faster because i so want to get to bed after the goodbye and all. gee. what was i doing? now, i miss them dearly. is it because i am already used to the life here, left abandon, independent and all? i remember that i cried so hard when i was about to left for university. maybe, my tears reservoir had dried up since then.

i have so much of things in my mind. i dont know how to begin everything again. my life. my life as a blur, ignorant medical student. i wonder how should i face the people around me. wy do i have an odd feeling that people see through my soul. it's so freaking scary. it's like i did something wrong and they knew every single bit of it. gee. what was i thinking.

2 weeks. 2 months. is all it takes to turn my life an upside-down. i dont even want to know who i am anymore.