i don't want to just pass the test. i don't want to just be average, no it's not even average. i don't want to just take my education, especially my tertiary education for granted. i have to know things, common sense, general knowledge, medicine, everything. i am taking medicine. i should take this seriously and study and learn for the sake of becoming a successful practitioner in the future. i am becoming, training, fighting so hard here to become a future doctor, that deals with lives. yes. it's so easy to type it down here but the implementation is just do darn tough and an excruciating process i would say, for me.
since i faced with my utmost failure a couple of months back, i think i just lost my direction. it is a good thing though. i start to ponder upon whether my decision and determination all this while is worth and whether it's a right one. never a day pass for me not thinking about it. yes. a wise man would have forgotten about it and move on but i aint wise. i dont understand the concept of studying hard for a subject and did not get paid for the hard work some more i think i did fairly well but the grades just shot me into a thousand pieces and the effect is like long lasting, leaving an indelible mark. it is just not easy to move on for me after being defeated and resuscitated. because i have greater expectation for myself and i dont want to take it as this aint primary school, this aint secondary school, this aint matriculation. this is in fact a universal level. i did study and why doesn't that matter? because it is not a thorough one, because i just study for the sake of exam?
as a matter of fact, these are all excuses. deep down inside, i am very well aware why things happen the way they are. i do not have the ability to compete at this level and study and stuff my head with all these stuffs. they are not nonsense at some points but indeed very basic and crucial knowledge for a medical practitioner and i really dont have the ability and power and the will to know them. there are just too much.
i started to feel remorse now. how am i going to complete my studies. it is still a long way to go. of course, i can say that all i have to do is to make sure i pass the major exams but i dont want it to be just that. what am i without expectation and target. study for the sake of passing the exam? i need the knowledge and hopefully to make the knowledge permanently imprinted in my mind but i just could not and the application of knowledge is too poor. my learning and study strategies are just so weak. no matter how much i push myself, i have already reach my maximum limitation and i could not, really, go further. and i need to be 'further' because i wont be a successful one instead i could visualise myself suffering in the future. let just put this as i am not smart.
so here i am. talking to mum of my predicament, like finally i have managed to summon the guts still she wasn't like putting a cold shoulder on me but she encourages and still believe in me. i really need someone to listen and to reassure me that everything's going to be okay but i know that they're not going to be okay because i am just not meant to be. i should have take study and learning as a joy but it comes to a point where i find it difficult and stressful. and yes. i think i give up. i know that a big part of me don't want to do this anymore. i don't want to make the people who cares and loves me to worry but i have no one else to confront to and talk to. and it has been in my mind for so long and after confessing and admitting that i could no longer bear this alone, i just have to burst it to someone. sadly, i think that my mum doesn't think it's a wise choice to give up now. furthermore, i also dont know what to do with my life anymore but i really doubt that i will be a successful one. this is something that i really regret.
why am i so stubborn before? i did do this on voluntary basis but never a day in the past it crosses my mind that i have to suffer this way. i am convinced that i am not the legal and right person to continue this. i need a more carefree and easy life. i really wish that i could turn the clock around. my head is so packed now and i need a rewind.
i guess that my latter days will be filled with emptiness. i will find myself lost in my own wander. i will be putting on a mask everyday and let the time passes until someone comes to me and offer me a better life. i really dont want to disappoint those i care and love but if these were to continue, it will be a long suffering for me. if i am to give up, i will feel sorry for myself and the one i care. i really dont want to do this anymore.
2011 will not be a good one.
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