i have been left alone and abandon, on my own way to seek a new lease of life. it feels like crap. i lose my purpose of life. i lose faith and i don't feel love. this is so strange. my world falls apart. i barely keep myself breathing by only the still functioning lungs and frail heart and empty mind. i am soulless.
it was so tough for me, for us and everyone that i care and known of my recent adversity i guess. from her intonation and my attentive listening, i am confirmed that my Mother does want me to continue with my current studies so 'badly' and 'desperately'. true, she could list out the advantages and giving examples on how fortunate i am compare to others because i made through the past 20 years working so hard for my education. i am very fully aware of how lucky i am. i remember, from the past and previous posts of how 'desperate' i am to fight for a place in public medical school and vow to get a seat in private sector as well if i didn't get the opportunity to scrub in among the top scorers for medicine course. now, i couldn't even tell myself of why in the first place medicine is the only thing i want. i was confused, incompetent and immature to make such a decision back then. for that, i blame no one but myself because i am the one responsible for what i am today. this burden, is so heavy. it is carried along wherever i go. i thank God for the good sleep i have because if i get insomnia, i would have broke down and that's real depression. Sleeping has inevitable become the only way out and escapism from my problem.
it turned from a confident conclusion a few days ago into a doubting position today, now. i am torn between continuing in despair and reluctancy or the wise but not necessary best (or the other way round) option, which is to put a halt to this stress inducing studies.
i feel guilty. i know that i have already let down so many people and now i start to think of myself as a burden, to friends and family. i am really sorry. i didn't mean to share this problem and ask for the resolution or sympathy or anything but it's just a playful way for me to let out what has been tangled up in me all this while. yes. it has been months that i have the thought of quitting med school but then i braced myself and hold on to it and i thank God again for making it through with just a so-so result that secured me to move on to next year without having to repeat. but, it has been tough. everything has been intense since a week ago.
i know that a big part of me do not want to do it anymore. i surrender for my own incapability and laziness and inconsistency in pursuing my future career. i did let down and upset my family. i hate my life, really, now. i shouldn't have make such decision before. this is not easy but it's also not do able but i know that i just don't want to do it anymore. it is just not my calling anymore. i am not able to commit.
i am upset with myself and my family. things changed. people changed. i changed my mind, after thorough analysis and thinking. but no body seems to understand. so, i am off sailing on my 'sampan' into the deep vast ocean with nothing on me, no navigation, no supplies, just empty handed and soulless. and the journey of discovery begins. it is an excruciating one. there's no precise characteristics for the pain i feel. i can't even identify the site it sets on.
this is so sad. i don't know whether to be furious at Mother or Father not. sure No right. what was i thinking? they have got nothing to do with me making such bold and risky decision when i choose to put medicine as the one and only course i applied for my university entry. i was and still am, stupid. i am just mad and upset, falling to pieces, that i no longer have support from them. it's like they just make a death sentence in a subtle way for me. i think they know that i am having a hard time, stressful some more (i havent get my period for months!, i sometimes can't sleep well, i feel stress looking at the notes, i cry almost everyday now!). they just want me to hang on and maybe i will get better and adapted to it. but God. i don't want to be a doctor anymore. the responsibility i fear to take and the studies i have to endure, the knowledge and all. i don't want and need it anymore. i don't have to get a Dr in front of my name to be successful right? even if i get good grades in the future, i don't think that i will change my mind and is ready to take the responsibilities and ready to endure the noble life as a doctor. too much for me to handle. i rather lead a carefree life now.
so. what do i do now?
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