i made a call to my mum again. i miss her so much. listening to her voice sent tears to my eyes, and form a lump too big to swallow. i think i am just too sad. and i realize i haven't talk to father for ages. i find it hard sometimes to talk to father because i always think he has great expectation for me and that he has too much confident in me and always want to see the best of me and i am only a disappointment so i rather not hurt myself and hurt him to listen to my most vulnerable self.
and finally today, i told my mum of the thing that i have always wanted to tell her. like Finally! it's about me who has this wishful thinking of quitting medicine. i find myself light after the call. of course, Mum said things like moving on, leaving the past behind, of people of different intelligence and the list go on which took the conversation for more than half an hour. and yes, i was weeping and bursting into laughters for several times of silly things. my Mum finally took my words seriously this when i told her that i really doubt my ability and that of course i can continue my studies with just targeting 'passes' but i don't want to endure so many of heartbreaks knowing that i have work hard and study well (as what i think i have) only to get feeble results. and it's even dejected to know so people who can scored it well despite the playful time they have. not that i want to make comparison but it just keeps me thinking that if they can do it, i suppose i can too.
yes i can. but seriously, medicine no longer suits me anymore i think. the irony is that i just bought a stethoscope today. a big big part of me is crying for a halt to all this excruciating course. i may have be top scorer at school but now it's not that i cant accept defeat, yes i did. i am just not that smart and dedicated and diligent enough to be in this field. i don't want to just study for passing the exams but i need to know how to apply the knowledge. after thorough thinking, i really have sort of made out my mind. i think i want to give myself a try for another semester and see how it turns out to be and at the same time trying to figure out what i can do in future if i am really quitting this. i don't care anymore of what people will think of me, either i am a disgrace or moron. i just want to end my suffering and i want to be happy. i find it too tired. there's just too much and my mind is too occupied with it. i rather not try to act smart and swallow all this because i know that it's just too tough for me. i am really not meant to do this. it's not that i dont have the confidence but i know my limit and ability.
i feel lonely because i only have mum to talk too but i don't want to worry her but i have to because i don't know who else can i open up to. let me be selfish for this time. finally, you hear me. and i think you almost understand how i feel. yes. almost. nobody knows how much pain i feel. i am grateful for all the encouragement and support from friends. but seriously, it's a big step for me. i really have to think over.
i have already been insisting so many times that i am not bothered much about my failures anymore. the failures actually triggers and sparks out what i have been missing all this while. that, i, may not be able to do it anymore. i can be successful in other things. i don't want my life to fill with misery. yes i like studying medicine but i can't be a good student and doctor.
is it too much to ask for an easy life? i want to be back home and fall into long sleep. it has became an escapism for my troubles.
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