insight

it's another brand new year. time flies. it feels like yesterday that i am celebrating my birthday. it feels like yesterday that i am home. it feels like yesterday that i am enduring my utmost breakdown. it feels like yesterday that i feel great about life. and now, i relish this moment because i have live thru it all and i am here today, at this moment, still breathing normally and in good health, praying for the one i care and love and everyone in this world has a good life.

at times, i feel a deep emptiness in myself. i feel so dependent to certain things and people. nonetheless, i could pay ignorance to them sometime. i can develop good relationship with people and suddenly feel that i am too dependent on them and vice versa. and i am screaming for my own space and time, desperately. forcing myself to compromise but actually i need a little segregation, a while, for me to breathe. and i always want things and these people to live up to the way i want them to be but it always bring disappointment because they are just people with flaws and nobody's perfect, include me. most importantly, i dont have any psychic power and aint God. i cant change them. i can only change myself and adapt to situation. sigh. i hope that i can be more understandable and to not let my friends down for any negligence. i am weird that way. i sometimes choose to befriend whoever that i like but at the end, i dont feel like it's a good thing to get so close because i will only get hurt for getting too close. because they didn't live up to my expectation. for the same token, i dont want to be manipulate. i have to live for myself and i am bold enough to reject things that i disapprove of. i have to do what i want to do and learn to say No. sometimes, i wonder if i can survive alone. i can be a hypocrite but it's not a good thing. friends are important. be nice. i am happy to have friends around. but, i hope that my friends do not take me for granted and belittle me.

i am still looking for my purpose in life. the endless journey. the december posts were all of melancholy. i dont want it to be that way. words are suppose to be inscribe down beautifully and each tells joyful story. however, life is about ups and downs. i just hope that the up surpass the down moments. it's inevitable to face the numerous misery in my life. it's a learning and growing process. just like how i see the different side and color of people. just like how i learn what's love. just like how i learn of courage, determination and bravery. and i shall walk through 2011 again without any regrets and become a better man with greater knowledge and a big heart.