i change my mind!

Two conversations changed my day, and perhaps my life, today.

i was looking at my contact list again and i saw Huikhing was on the line. i haven't see her on the line for quite a while, probably busy with her studies and all. i knew instantly that she has got to know about my problem because she's in the same field and i want to know of her opinion. first, i told her of the a serious matter i want to share with her. then, before i am able to tell what it is about, the line went haywire. i tried to reconnect but failed. so she made the call. she actually called me. i was a little surprised and touched to know that people actually care and take me seriously. so, i called her back and told her everything from the beginning.

of all the people that i have seek advice from, she was the only one that suddenly make me changed my mind, a little. listening to her stories and analysis for me made me actually changed my mind for unknown reason but i know that i have to rethink about it and not so quick to run into such vital decision making. i wasn't sure whether it's because i am naive and immature but i know that i have to move on. this is not the time yet for me to quit. i have to hang on until i am not able to move on/failing the examination. now, i did pass right. so, move on. don't aim so high because different people have different ability. i may have work hard but not working right. for those high achievers that scored great results, i should have known that they must have been working harder than i am to get rewarded. so, who am i? i have limitation. so, as long as i have done my best, that's all i can achieve, be it. it's not about academically to be a good doctor. Huikhing said, we could learn from practices and practical and clinical years. it's too early for me to quit now because i still have a long way to go. let see how things go first for the next few years. i can learn from experiences during my clinical years. well, i maybe sucks at theory but who knows that i am good at practical. i have to do what i can to make sure that i don't miss out all that. she also thinks that it's really a waste if i give up now. it is really a waste. hundreds are fighting for it and i, out of sudden, a doctor wannabe get it so i just have to appreciate this opportunity until i see the results. *she even includes that not all doctors are smart. yea. i almost miss that out. i suddenly have the urge to heal. to hold a stethoscope in my hand. to hold a scapel. to see how heart beats. to see a child birth and everything miracles. she's my saint today.

then, mum called. she went to temple for prayers and stuffs. and i got to know that i am on the right track. i am and i have to move on to make it a success. this is probably the one obstacles i have to face in my life. she said that i have been born into a lucky family. quite true and make sense. i think i always get what i want since young. i mean, there are others who have to fight harder but things have been a little smooth and easy for me. so, this is the test i have to endure. i really have. i need to go to the temple. i need some serenity and peace in me.

i think i will be looking forward to not aim so high but to take things easy and not stress myself out because life actually has so much more to offer. i want to cure, at least one patient. i want to do appendectomy or splenectomy and to witness a child birth. no. i want to feel the first touch of life on my hands. have that in mind. i have been lucky. i just have to move on because this is right for me.

gah. i need the rest. i cant compose any better. i have so much more to say. the conclusion is that i want to continue. =)

i'll be

i have been left alone and abandon, on my own way to seek a new lease of life. it feels like crap. i lose my purpose of life. i lose faith and i don't feel love. this is so strange. my world falls apart. i barely keep myself breathing by only the still functioning lungs and frail heart and empty mind. i am soulless.

it was so tough for me, for us and everyone that i care and known of my recent adversity i guess. from her intonation and my attentive listening, i am confirmed that my Mother does want me to continue with my current studies so 'badly' and 'desperately'. true, she could list out the advantages and giving examples on how fortunate i am compare to others because i made through the past 20 years working so hard for my education. i am very fully aware of how lucky i am. i remember, from the past and previous posts of how 'desperate' i am to fight for a place in public medical school and vow to get a seat in private sector as well if i didn't get the opportunity to scrub in among the top scorers for medicine course. now, i couldn't even tell myself of why in the first place medicine is the only thing i want. i was confused, incompetent and immature to make such a decision back then. for that, i blame no one but myself because i am the one responsible for what i am today. this burden, is so heavy. it is carried along wherever i go. i thank God for the good sleep i have because if i get insomnia, i would have broke down and that's real depression. Sleeping has inevitable become the only way out and escapism from my problem.

it turned from a confident conclusion a few days ago into a doubting position today, now. i am torn between continuing in despair and reluctancy or the wise but not necessary best (or the other way round) option, which is to put a halt to this stress inducing studies.

i feel guilty. i know that i have already let down so many people and now i start to think of myself as a burden, to friends and family. i am really sorry. i didn't mean to share this problem and ask for the resolution or sympathy or anything but it's just a playful way for me to let out what has been tangled up in me all this while. yes. it has been months that i have the thought of quitting med school but then i braced myself and hold on to it and i thank God again for making it through with just a so-so result that secured me to move on to next year without having to repeat. but, it has been tough. everything has been intense since a week ago.

i know that a big part of me do not want to do it anymore. i surrender for my own incapability and laziness and inconsistency in pursuing my future career. i did let down and upset my family. i hate my life, really, now. i shouldn't have make such decision before. this is not easy but it's also not do able but i know that i just don't want to do it anymore. it is just not my calling anymore. i am not able to commit.

i am upset with myself and my family. things changed. people changed. i changed my mind, after thorough analysis and thinking. but no body seems to understand. so, i am off sailing on my 'sampan' into the deep vast ocean with nothing on me, no navigation, no supplies, just empty handed and soulless. and the journey of discovery begins. it is an excruciating one. there's no precise characteristics for the pain i feel. i can't even identify the site it sets on.

this is so sad. i don't know whether to be furious at Mother or Father not. sure No right. what was i thinking? they have got nothing to do with me making such bold and risky decision when i choose to put medicine as the one and only course i applied for my university entry. i was and still am, stupid. i am just mad and upset, falling to pieces, that i no longer have support from them. it's like they just make a death sentence in a subtle way for me. i think they know that i am having a hard time, stressful some more (i havent get my period for months!, i sometimes can't sleep well, i feel stress looking at the notes, i cry almost everyday now!). they just want me to hang on and maybe i will get better and adapted to it. but God. i don't want to be a doctor anymore. the responsibility i fear to take and the studies i have to endure, the knowledge and all. i don't want and need it anymore. i don't have to get a Dr in front of my name to be successful right? even if i get good grades in the future, i don't think that i will change my mind and is ready to take the responsibilities and ready to endure the noble life as a doctor. too much for me to handle. i rather lead a carefree life now.

so. what do i do now?

in my bed

i was looking at the contact list, looking for someone to chat with since my day is filled with emptiness, like always. chat with Faye and Woon. actually i have been eager to let my brother know my adversity too but he seems busy so i just let it be. i want to know people's opinion. it's really nice to share out my problem. though, i feel guilty for letting them worry. well, of course it won't affect them much but the problem lingers. is it a selfish act? i just need to know solution for my problem.

although many seem to oppose my idea, i don't seem to have a slight change in my mind but it becomes intense as days gone by. i don't know whether it's the longing for home, it's the losing of faith in myself or whatever it is. nobody really knows why i make the decision. but i do appreciate that they are trying to convince me to move on because it would be a stupid act but i couldn't care more.

spending the day doing nothing but lying on bed, browsing the net looking for options i have if i am to quit. it seems like a dead end. another day is going to fill with emptiness.

empty

i learnt of lonesomeness now. there's this excruciating emptiness and devastating solitary inside me that i could not help but to let it conquer myself and i feel like i am at the verge of bursting out in anguish. i seriously need a great escape.

i made a call to my mum again. i miss her so much. listening to her voice sent tears to my eyes, and form a lump too big to swallow. i think i am just too sad. and i realize i haven't talk to father for ages. i find it hard sometimes to talk to father because i always think he has great expectation for me and that he has too much confident in me and always want to see the best of me and i am only a disappointment so i rather not hurt myself and hurt him to listen to my most vulnerable self.

and finally today, i told my mum of the thing that i have always wanted to tell her. like Finally! it's about me who has this wishful thinking of quitting medicine. i find myself light after the call. of course, Mum said things like moving on, leaving the past behind, of people of different intelligence and the list go on which took the conversation for more than half an hour. and yes, i was weeping and bursting into laughters for several times of silly things. my Mum finally took my words seriously this when i told her that i really doubt my ability and that of course i can continue my studies with just targeting 'passes' but i don't want to endure so many of heartbreaks knowing that i have work hard and study well (as what i think i have) only to get feeble results. and it's even dejected to know so people who can scored it well despite the playful time they have. not that i want to make comparison but it just keeps me thinking that if they can do it, i suppose i can too.

yes i can. but seriously, medicine no longer suits me anymore i think. the irony is that i just bought a stethoscope today. a big big part of me is crying for a halt to all this excruciating course. i may have be top scorer at school but now it's not that i cant accept defeat, yes i did. i am just not that smart and dedicated and diligent enough to be in this field. i don't want to just study for passing the exams but i need to know how to apply the knowledge. after thorough thinking, i really have sort of made out my mind. i think i want to give myself a try for another semester and see how it turns out to be and at the same time trying to figure out what i can do in future if i am really quitting this. i don't care anymore of what people will think of me, either i am a disgrace or moron. i just want to end my suffering and i want to be happy. i find it too tired. there's just too much and my mind is too occupied with it. i rather not try to act smart and swallow all this because i know that it's just too tough for me. i am really not meant to do this. it's not that i dont have the confidence but i know my limit and ability.

i feel lonely because i only have mum to talk too but i don't want to worry her but i have to because i don't know who else can i open up to. let me be selfish for this time. finally, you hear me. and i think you almost understand how i feel. yes. almost. nobody knows how much pain i feel. i am grateful for all the encouragement and support from friends. but seriously, it's a big step for me. i really have to think over.

i have already been insisting so many times that i am not bothered much about my failures anymore. the failures actually triggers and sparks out what i have been missing all this while. that, i, may not be able to do it anymore. i can be successful in other things. i don't want my life to fill with misery. yes i like studying medicine but i can't be a good student and doctor.

is it too much to ask for an easy life? i want to be back home and fall into long sleep. it has became an escapism for my troubles.

the road taken

it's easy we're faltered, and it matters.

i don't want to just pass the test. i don't want to just be average, no it's not even average. i don't want to just take my education, especially my tertiary education for granted. i have to know things, common sense, general knowledge, medicine, everything. i am taking medicine. i should take this seriously and study and learn for the sake of becoming a successful practitioner in the future. i am becoming, training, fighting so hard here to become a future doctor, that deals with lives. yes. it's so easy to type it down here but the implementation is just do darn tough and an excruciating process i would say, for me.

since i faced with my utmost failure a couple of months back, i think i just lost my direction. it is a good thing though. i start to ponder upon whether my decision and determination all this while is worth and whether it's a right one. never a day pass for me not thinking about it. yes. a wise man would have forgotten about it and move on but i aint wise. i dont understand the concept of studying hard for a subject and did not get paid for the hard work some more i think i did fairly well but the grades just shot me into a thousand pieces and the effect is like long lasting, leaving an indelible mark. it is just not easy to move on for me after being defeated and resuscitated. because i have greater expectation for myself and i dont want to take it as this aint primary school, this aint secondary school, this aint matriculation. this is in fact a universal level. i did study and why doesn't that matter? because it is not a thorough one, because i just study for the sake of exam?

as a matter of fact, these are all excuses. deep down inside, i am very well aware why things happen the way they are. i do not have the ability to compete at this level and study and stuff my head with all these stuffs. they are not nonsense at some points but indeed very basic and crucial knowledge for a medical practitioner and i really dont have the ability and power and the will to know them. there are just too much.

i started to feel remorse now. how am i going to complete my studies. it is still a long way to go. of course, i can say that all i have to do is to make sure i pass the major exams but i dont want it to be just that. what am i without expectation and target. study for the sake of passing the exam? i need the knowledge and hopefully to make the knowledge permanently imprinted in my mind but i just could not and the application of knowledge is too poor. my learning and study strategies are just so weak. no matter how much i push myself, i have already reach my maximum limitation and i could not, really, go further. and i need to be 'further' because i wont be a successful one instead i could visualise myself suffering in the future. let just put this as i am not smart.

so here i am. talking to mum of my predicament, like finally i have managed to summon the guts still she wasn't like putting a cold shoulder on me but she encourages and still believe in me. i really need someone to listen and to reassure me that everything's going to be okay but i know that they're not going to be okay because i am just not meant to be. i should have take study and learning as a joy but it comes to a point where i find it difficult and stressful. and yes. i think i give up. i know that a big part of me don't want to do this anymore. i don't want to make the people who cares and loves me to worry but i have no one else to confront to and talk to. and it has been in my mind for so long and after confessing and admitting that i could no longer bear this alone, i just have to burst it to someone. sadly, i think that my mum doesn't think it's a wise choice to give up now. furthermore, i also dont know what to do with my life anymore but i really doubt that i will be a successful one. this is something that i really regret.

why am i so stubborn before? i did do this on voluntary basis but never a day in the past it crosses my mind that i have to suffer this way. i am convinced that i am not the legal and right person to continue this. i need a more carefree and easy life. i really wish that i could turn the clock around. my head is so packed now and i need a rewind.

i guess that my latter days will be filled with emptiness. i will find myself lost in my own wander. i will be putting on a mask everyday and let the time passes until someone comes to me and offer me a better life. i really dont want to disappoint those i care and love but if these were to continue, it will be a long suffering for me. if i am to give up, i will feel sorry for myself and the one i care. i really dont want to do this anymore.

2011 will not be a good one.

role play

this semester, Clinical Science Learning (CSL) is one of the module we ought to take and among the lessons include the crucial history taking in patients. well, having the introduction lecture by Dr.Raymund a couple of weeks ago was very fun and entertaining because he is a very lively, funny, dramatic and one of the best lecturer so far. i was like laughing out loud and watching him in admiration for the whole session. if each of the lecturers here are more like him and less like the dull, boring and schematic lecturers that we have here, i wouldn't even fall into my deep slumber during the classes.

and after gathering all the knowledge from the lectures and partly from watching House (gosh! i miss the show!), it was the very first time for me to role play as a doctor and i am not having my classmates as my patient but a trained stimulator person (SP). well, i tried my very best to be confident and acted calm for the whole practice. but theory and practical are totally different thing. He presented with cough. actually, if i am to be given time for me to think over some relevant questions to ask beforehand, i would have performance better. but in reality, i have to think fast and try to relate every single pieces to it even though some might seem insignificant but never rule out the possibilities. every patient lies, among the thing i learnt from watching House MD. nonetheless, at my level, as just a first year medical student, the lack of knowledge is for sure the greatest hindrance for me to get the diagnosis and related better but i could have use my common sense. and i just thought of the relevant and important clues to ask for after i ended my session with him which took less than 5 minutes.

i am pretty disappointed with myself because i could have done better. like any other exams or tests or anything, i almost think that i could have done better.

it was a nice experience after all. i could even believe that i really have the courage to greet the SP as 'Good Afternoon, i am DOCTOR EYU, how can i help you?' continue to search for that long lost courage and confidence. =)

things i treasure

1. enjoy watching great movie and savouring in decent food after studying hard for a mind boggling exam! i still cant find company for bowling! i dont understand why am i so not in the mood for shopping spree though Chinese New Year is just around the corner.

2. the everlasting special bond between us. i really hope the momentum continue!

3. anticipating for a visit to National Autistic Centre of Malaysia (NASOM). will make sure i write a review and reflection on that!

4. Goodness. i have to live thru to at least March for Goodbye Lullaby!

What the hell

i spent my day listening to Avril's latest single What the Hell and i think i had been playing it for hundred thousands time. it's so darn catchy and addictive until i am fed up but i still play it and sing along because it's so darn GREAT!

it is a great way to rejoice my new year, listening to the debut single of my favorite female artist! i was on the line all day long just to get the gist of her latest update and after listening i was so excited and happy because it's something beyond my expectation. the whole song turns out so well and i cant wait for Goodbye Lullaby!

even though Avril's not her younger self anymore like how i used to like her dress, her attitude and style and all in her teen angst, she's still my favorite of all time and close to my heart. although there're critics on her sexism and hypocrisy and whatnot since The best damn thing, i am still very supportive of her because i grow up listening to her music. it's like i am always looking forward to her music, to see her success. and Fergie did mention about how she grows and changes with each album release. yes. i did notice that. Still, she still has her style and i dont know what it is but it's still so Avril.

i really hope the the new year brings the best out of everything. i am starting to like the first day for certain reasons. things that can really make me happy because i have been trying to seek for attention since forever. i hope that everything runs smooth for me. i hope that i really grow. i hope that i can adapt. i hope that everyday's a happy day. i do not want much. just wish that whatever i have now is maintained and improved. i need not to add in any misery or heartbreak but to strengthen what i have and be grateful.

insight

it's another brand new year. time flies. it feels like yesterday that i am celebrating my birthday. it feels like yesterday that i am home. it feels like yesterday that i am enduring my utmost breakdown. it feels like yesterday that i feel great about life. and now, i relish this moment because i have live thru it all and i am here today, at this moment, still breathing normally and in good health, praying for the one i care and love and everyone in this world has a good life.

at times, i feel a deep emptiness in myself. i feel so dependent to certain things and people. nonetheless, i could pay ignorance to them sometime. i can develop good relationship with people and suddenly feel that i am too dependent on them and vice versa. and i am screaming for my own space and time, desperately. forcing myself to compromise but actually i need a little segregation, a while, for me to breathe. and i always want things and these people to live up to the way i want them to be but it always bring disappointment because they are just people with flaws and nobody's perfect, include me. most importantly, i dont have any psychic power and aint God. i cant change them. i can only change myself and adapt to situation. sigh. i hope that i can be more understandable and to not let my friends down for any negligence. i am weird that way. i sometimes choose to befriend whoever that i like but at the end, i dont feel like it's a good thing to get so close because i will only get hurt for getting too close. because they didn't live up to my expectation. for the same token, i dont want to be manipulate. i have to live for myself and i am bold enough to reject things that i disapprove of. i have to do what i want to do and learn to say No. sometimes, i wonder if i can survive alone. i can be a hypocrite but it's not a good thing. friends are important. be nice. i am happy to have friends around. but, i hope that my friends do not take me for granted and belittle me.

i am still looking for my purpose in life. the endless journey. the december posts were all of melancholy. i dont want it to be that way. words are suppose to be inscribe down beautifully and each tells joyful story. however, life is about ups and downs. i just hope that the up surpass the down moments. it's inevitable to face the numerous misery in my life. it's a learning and growing process. just like how i see the different side and color of people. just like how i learn what's love. just like how i learn of courage, determination and bravery. and i shall walk through 2011 again without any regrets and become a better man with greater knowledge and a big heart.