in my shoes

it was the very first time that we were criticized for not paying attention in the class. we as in those who were chit-chatting, gossiping or sleeping during the lectures. and the we here also applied specially to those who sat far behind the hall, on the top where we either tried to get a better view of the display screen (as it would be so damn tired staring at the screen tilting the head so frequently that i so want to cry of pain though i could just refrain from doing so but it was an involuntary reaction) or just to get out from the sight of the lecturers or for those who did intend to just present but not paying attention. i like to categorized myself as the former one.

though, sleepiness is so inevitable. i had been missing listening to the lectures twice, means two hours of indifference. i did feel remorse but i did try my best to stay awake like doctors telling patients who almost turn to unconsciousness for particular complications. it is just so hard to deal with the tempting whisper of the evil yet concern mind to go for temporary shut-down mode.

my lecture/doctor was like calling those sitting at the back to pay attention and we got comments like we should not be cocky assuming as if we know everything and that we are good enough. gee. a big lump that i find it hard to swallow. i was awake for some moments but later on involuntarily shut my eyes off again. i was really tired and it was so bored. it was a little unfair because there are much more people i guess who were sleeping or not paying attention and that those we got criticized were from those at the second half left side of the hall. gee. not pointing out specifically anyone but everyone were like eyeing us which were made up of 40 +- people. besides, i don't really think that i could really get to digest everything in just an hour of lecture some more with the absence of the note. so, it's either choosing to listen and pretend to understand everything and trying to answer questions and asked too or just being indifference by keeping silence. i could take some extra note and information but then we were not given photocopied notes so i guess that i was not in the mood to listen anymore. i rather prefer to do self study and later on do some findings from books or internet.

it was the second time that i went outing with friends. omg. KL is such a good place to shop especially at Sungei Wang Plaza and Times Square in which cheap clothes are available abundantly. in addition, it has some what become a routine to go out once a week for decent meal that served Chinese food.

i hope that i get adequate sleep and won't fall asleep again during lecturers and try to take note on additional informations though i do admit that such an input doesn't really work best for me and that i prefer self study. i am beyond exhaustion.

alter ego

i finally get to know who my buddy is today. buddy system is like an interconnecting line between junior and senior so that both parties can get help from each other especially in studies but more emphasis on assisting junior. it is jiawen. a cool, out-spoken, bold and easy-going girl from terengganu. i did feel like we are somehow connected to each other since the first day we met though i have to admit that we are quite different in the way we carry ourselves. i guess that's how it all started.

she said that since i am somehow a low-profile, quiet and submissive girl, she had planned on putting on a trick on me so that i get to know more people. then, i get comment that i am like a little arrogant and impolite towards seniors as i didn't even greet them in the faculty and that i am somehow irresponsible.

i am quite surprised. wow. they do really notice someone like me. i am so used to not even care about people during my high school since people don't even care about me. so, why should i make the greeting in the first place since most of them are just an acquaintance. it is so stupid when you do the greeting and people just walked pass you as if they give a damn. so, it happens to grow on me. i don't greet unless it's an initiative from others. so, i was labelled arrogant since ages ago or that i do admit i am one. well, for the irresponsible part. hmm. it was a long story but still i tried to make up everything because i think that i do have a solid reasonable excuse for not attending an interview that i was supposed to attend. besides, i can be really talkative. ask my mum for that. i get influence from huiwoon since matriculation. nonetheless, i can go like real quiet because somehow people are talking in alien language and topic that i am not familiar and fond with. it would be odd to just blurt about things that i am not familiar with ain't it? besides, sometimes, it is wise to put 'silence is golden' into good use.

still, i am trying to improve my public relationship with people. i can get really uncomfortable with people but for the future sake, i have to brace myself and act confidence. i am trying hard to be a better communicator in future. i try swallowing those harsh critisms hard and learning on how to polish up everything that is wrong or that is irritable to others. do hope to make a change in myself although it could be fake but God know that i am just trying to be me.

okay. i miss Mummy, Papa, Daddy, Mama, Huidi and everyone else (at) home. it just come across me that i have been making calls everyday, more frequent than the time in matriculation. Mum would be so dead boring without me crapping on my daily basis and whining of my unfortunate encountering to her.

dear mr. cadaver

gee. seniors said don't stress out during first semester. okay. i did regularly do my revision wen i get back from faculty and my weekend is also filled up with revision. i ain't smart or anything thus i believe that i need to work hard to understand things. i like referring to books for informations to get a better understanding. still, since wi-fi is available from my room, i am so eager to go online everyday. logging in to facebook to know about the whereabout and howabout and whatabout of the others. besides, i am avidly blogging too.

it is my first time today to look at cadaverS as i missed out the opportunity during my career exposure program a few years back. there is a little bit of anxiety and fear but i never let those feeling to engulf myself and i did try hard to make it an enjoyable visit. and i did really enjoy it. i was like touching here and there, identifying the veins, arteries and nerves. it is also an inducer from peer pressure as i see so many of them were like so enthusiastic so i just joined in the crowd. yeah. it's so called kia-su. though, i have to admit that it is one of the many unforgettable experience.

i know that they are dead but at least they are once alive. they feel kind of fake to me but at the same time it is like they are present, there. duh. creepy eh? just want to clarify that i am really thankful for those mr and mrs cadavers for giving us to learn about human anatomy. would love to offer my sincere apology if we had hurt and disturbed you guys. thanks.

i love Medicine

i do admit that since i attend the English class, i do feel a tinge of remorse for choosing medicine. i always like medicine because i want to know about diseases, treatment, those kind of haywire changes occur in the body. nonetheless, listening to her experience and stories made me wonder if i manage to take up so much of responsibilities in life as a medical officer.

however, it kind of inspires me too to become a better person. i want to be a good doctor. i want to help. i really do.

i am having an awesome moment today on my PBL session. it reminds me of why medicine is the only thing i want in life. it completes my life. we are given a case study on a baby who had been infected with thalassemia. we were doing our own findings, informations on almost every possible things related to it based on the guideline. i am starting to enjoy doing this although it is a burden to take up two days flipping on books and other resources. i have learnt to enjoy doing it and i find that i like it so much because i have gathered knowledge from it. knowledge regarding to medicine. i love medicine! and i heard that people are saying ukm serves the best ever medicine course as it is so different from um and usm system. i am really proud to be here. i do really starting to enjoy to study medicine. this is what i have always want. and i need to remind myself everyday of why it is the choice i have made and there is no turning point. and i hope this passion last until i am too weak to serve the nation.

i just booked myself a sony ericsson vivaz. i do really need a smartphone to facilitate me in my studies. it will seriously help a lot.

if i can afford it

the last post was actually an urge from my English class when Miss N asked the class who have been blogging around for the past few years. i feel as if i am going to abandon my blog site for quite a long time once i have settled down with everything in faculty, once i am going to indulge myself in study and probably find time in between specially weekend to blog about the happening things for that particular week.

the first English class was so odd. there wasn't any lectures but it was just the same old mundane routine in which we were having ice-breaking, introducing ourselves and all. inevitably, we had to answer the same old question again which is why are we taking medicine. duh. there were 24 people in my class. some of them were like having a long talking of why medicine is their choice. it was like going on and on and on and on. though, i must admit that a few of them did touch my heart. i wasn't sure whether it is okay to share it here because it was of others' conflicts and i have just learn not to just blurt out everything, exposing others' private matter without having their consents. blogging should have its limitation too. as for me. duh. it was just so simple. there is a solid reason behind it. i don't feel like attracting attraction, i am not trying to impress and all. from my observation, those who gives a long speech did manage to get Miss N's attention. duh. whatever. nonetheless, being a doctor, we have got to know to express ourselves, having good relationship with everyone and all. but, whatever for me. it wasn't at the right time, right place i guess.

i was saying it was odd because *sigh* it had somehow demotivate me from striving towards my goal. i thought that i have ponder upon those obstacles to face and think thoroughly about my choice and prepared fully for it. however, when listening to others, well some of them, i feel like i am just a nobody. they have so much more of passion than i am. i am starting to question myself that i choose medicine because of House. yeah. i know that House plays an important role but that is not it is all about. i choose medicine of interest, of curiosity, of helping people. the challenges behind it drive me further i guess. i want to solve mind-boggling cases. i want to prove that i too, can. but my course mates are driven by their own overwhelming passion in helping the public. they want to serve the community wholeheartedly. they have a mission. a promise to their loved ones. a journey of discovery. they are more determined and stronger than i am. what am i then?

i did a good deed today. i wasn't sure whether i was being deceived or anything but whatever. i was with my friends having brunch at McDonald in Bukit Bintang. i got the wrong order in which i bought an extra bowl of porridge and a cup of fresh orange. i did tell the cashier that i want a bowl of chicken porridge and a cup of tea. i even gestured one finger. one. is she blind or deaf or something? there was a serious miscommunication there. the same thing happened to my friends in which they too having problem telling them their orders. gee. i was quite upset with her. so, i just have to take it since i already paid for it. i did sense something wrong before i realized that she got me the wrong order because it was expensive for just porridge and tea.

then, we were approached by a man in his late 40 i think. he was speaking in Cantonese and i did understand it. then, he spoke in English. then Mandarin. He actually needed some donation because he had been diagnosed with HIV and nobody is to hire him and that he is sort of having difficulty in his life. i sat rooted on the chair without knowing my next move. HIV. damn. there are like red dotted wounds or something pimple look alike on his hollow cheeks. and my friends were like telling him we are just students too. i was quite reluctant to give him money because how much could i give him. besides, what if he snatch my wallet. there are things to consider and analysis even if it is just a simple good deed. thus, after a short discussion, i gave him the porridge. he subsided. took it gratefully and finished it. then, as we watched over him, he did actually drink from the sink water. i think that i did the right thing. he must has living a harsh life. nonetheless, i am still wondering about it. anyone could be a bad guy. what if he runs out of his mind and hurt me and i too get infected. gee. what a day.

forgotten

there are a few things that i forgot to blog about a few days ago. therefore, here i am ow, summarizing the events that had remained history but to be recalled again now. first of all, my brother did actually bring me for dinner on last weekend. i initially thought it was going to be just the two of us and i initially did intend to reject his offer because it would be way too weird but then i eventually agreed to it since he was so persistent. it turned out that my cousins were tagging along but it was all because one of them is graduating and the sisters were in KL and all so we just went out for a celebration dinner or sort in Ampang at a Thai Restaurant which served the best Tom Yum i ever have. i was so touched when my brother was inquiring about my severe health condition which is the cough i have been experiencing since a fortnight ago. it was so unbearable a few days ago until i got a mild headache from coughing too much and waking up having abdominal pain. it was so intense. then, they were actually planning to look out for pharmacy or something and store nearby to get me some cough syrup and my typical culinary wares which i forgot to bring. they are so nice. my brother is so nice to me that i feel like crying knowing that he did really care for me. i was so happy for a few days.

talking about my cough, it was so intense that i actually bleed out from my nose today. i did take panadol a few days ago but i try to not making it a habit so i stop. it did scare the hell out of me as i see a few drops of blood dripping from my nose when i thought it was just common flu. i feel like seeing a doctor. i assume that i am gettting baterial or virus infection that it took so long to heal after constant consuming of medicine. after class, my friends and i went strolling around the vicinity of faculty and they actually went into a Pharmacy which is under UKM. i was actually looking for Acythromyocin or something as what my friend had told me before. an indian pharmacist who is on her shift there was enquiring of our/mine looking. so i just told her my almost-to-die condition and she said that she could only prescribe the medicine under doctor's permission because i have to be diagnosed first. so, she gave me other medicine which costed me RM8. i hope that they work this time.

we had our PBl session too today and it was far off from what i expected but still tolerable because i do understand that we don't have the knowledge. there is like a heap of workload. i haven't even start studying on past lectures and we are entailed to have a visit to the main campus this Saturday for no particular reason. no. i just don't know what it is about. seeing the timetable given to us, i found that we don't really have quite a packed schedule. there are so many gaps between classes and some just start late morning and some ends early afternoon. we are having different timetable for each week actually. still, i don't know why. i feel hectic at times.

blər

i was so blur with my first day at Faculty of Medicine. still am. it's like sitting there in the lecture hall, listening to the lectures and i went blank. after the session, i questioned myself, that's it? i mean, there were quite a lot to digest after one lecture, and the very first was introduction to human body, after some briefing about how the exam works on, after briefing about the 4 modules to complete in one semester. well, the lecture mostly about body systems and organization. those basic kind of things. and, we have actually learnt those during our secondary school and inevitably i forget all. and i don't even have time to complete my Self-Learning Package exercises due to some "informal" orientation. frankly speaking, i do think that it is a waste of time and energy but i do enjoy the fun of it and seeking for the benefit from it which is probably getting to know our seniors and course-mates.

i am actually quite lucky to be placed in the second group for a tour in the dissection hall, visiting the cadaver, sort of a lesson to introduce to anatomy. means, my visit is next week. dead. i don't think i am really ready yet but my room mate said that she just took it easy and it's really just normal, nothing queer. the problem would be on dealing with the sickening formalin or something. i also do not understand why am i so freaked out about it. it is just a cadaver after all.

in the late afternoon, i finally find out a way on dealing with my blurness. i took out the study guide and i guess that i have just cleared out my mind. there are objectives there for each modules to complete and i just need to know, and study thoroughly in achieving what have been stated there. i guess. there's a practical class tomorrow and i am still blur about it though i have done doing the calculation without even knowing what is the purpose on doing those. i don't really get the gist of the whole thing. maybe there's another briefing tomorrow. wish me luck. duh.

booster

i am back from my Professional and Personal Development camp 1 yesterday. it was very beneficial and fun. i think that UKM is the only university which made it compulsory for the medical students to attend such camp in their first, third and final year. first, i get to learn a lot of things, related to medicine, related to life, related to our nation and many more. secondly, i get to know a lot of people hence we made friends. thirdly, i am fully prepared to be a doctor, to be a good doctor. there is still a long way on how to be a good doctor. throughout my 5 years, i am going to learn properly in achieving my goal. i am really determined to be an outstanding doctor. it's never about getting good grades and memorizing facts and stuffs. it's about humanity too. i know that i have a lot to catch up on that.

i know that i was once feel alienated but i think that i am not afraid of it anymore. i need a change in myself. trying to be bold in approaching people. trying to made friends. trying to work as a team because medicine is about teamwork. by the way, my group just won the best team performance on that PPD camp. i am very proud of myself and also my group members. we have foster a better relationship among us. this group is going to last for at least one semester for our PBL, which is the problem based learning session, sort of a study group to enhance our study. we have to work as a team. it's so going to be like House. having a team to discuss about cases. i am eager to learn now!

i don't know how to describe this. this feeling is so strong. i hope that within the five years, my passion is still overwhelming as what i am experiencing now.

beyond it

i always hate orientation week. and now, it's finally over yet i only have one day to rest and i don't feel well. waking up feeling as if i have just been hit by a track. and thinking of going for a camp this tuesday makes me feels even more tired than i already am. i wonder if i could ever survive next week.

orientation week is only fun for the part where everyone works as a team and cheers for our own beloved college, which is the dorm where we are staying. i did scream my lungs out on friday night which it was supposed to be the Perang Dectar, a war between colleges and also an illegal activity but who cares and it is a tradition in UKM. i don't know who is the champion because we left earlier to catch buses and we can't stay too late as the next day we ae heading to KL campus.

i was astounded when i get to the room. it seems very old, shabby and dirty too with inches thick of dust on those furniture. yet, i am quite happy that i get to us WiFi service in my room. yay. then, i could actually see the famous Petronas Twin Tower and KL tower from the five foot way. it was quite a breathtaking sight at night with glittering lights. nonetheless, when i think of walking 20 minutes to the Faculty if i fail to catch a bus, i feel jaded and helpless. will i ever survive in such extreme condition? some more, i am such a loner here. no close friends around and it is pathetic to see how others gather in groups, talking and laughing. nonetheless, i am used to it. it seems like it doesn't matter anymore because i feel like i can do everything by myself.

i am just exhausted.

refuge

it was 10 in the morning. it was kind of surprised when a familiar voice woke me up from my deep sweet slumber. it's my Mother. she should be at the school but she's home now. that's a little odd but i don't care. i need my sleep. She woke me up, telling me that my father is probably going to be admitted into the hospital for he has been suspected as a victim of dengue fever. it took me minutes to digest what she was delivering. am i experiencing lucid dream again? no. it was real. i jumped from bed because it was such a shockingly unbelievable news. after questioning her further, i quickly went for my morning ablution, getting myself ready to accompany my parents to the hospital once Father is back from the clinic he went to. i was still thinking the whole thing was such too sudden and unbelievable. Dengue fever? it could be fatal. Fatal. i don't know what to do then. Father had safely arrived and i was inquiring him, still in a doubtful manner. i spotted the rashes. rashes. omg. it wasn't there a few days ago when he was having the so-known as common fever. yes. it was severe. it has been prolonged close to a week old. damn. rashes. that did send shivers to me. rashes. it was irritating. it makes me feel like i am not on my own skin if i am to get rashes.

i was still lost. i hope what i was seeing is not real and everything is just a prank. that's not the case. it was real. the ambience turns solemn and quiet. there wasn't any audible birds' chirping. i receded to my room just to check on things to bring in case Father is warded. damn. that's when my tears fell uncontrollably down my cheeks and i was trying my best to swallow the lump that was almost too hard and too big to be swallowed. i tried anyway and wiped away my stubborn tears. i was so devastated and sad thinking of what my Father was saying which is that he probably could not send me for my university registration. most importantly, the thought of what would happen to my Father was unbearable. fatal.

we went to USM which my Mum thinks has a better service than the recommended hospital by the health clinic my Father went to which was in Pasir Mas. by the way, Mum said that if the officer is to call Pup or anything, the excuse could be that HUSM is nearer and that they have no rights to stop us from going to which hospital we want to. we just made white lies when there are a couple of calls from Grandma and Momma. the world could turn upside down if they know the truth of our whereabout.

the weird thing about his symptoms is that he was not experiencing any joints pain or high fever. well, fever was a past tense. Pup is recovering from it but the rashes was really a big trouble. besides, his platelets count was low. he experienced gastritis a couple of days ago. okay. those were close to the symptoms of dengue fever. i did google it. well. i hope what the doctor at the health clinic was completely wrong about the diagnosis. it could be other sickness of the same symptoms or it could be minor allergy. there should not be a fatal matter. i prayed hard.

we went to Emergency at HUSM. the officer told us that it could be a long waiting hour because they are going to refer to accident cases as a priority if there is any victims admitted there in the next hour or so. duh. that's when i was praying desperately that there should be no accidents today and all those mat-rempits are having a break and that all drivers do drive cautiously and so on and so on. whatever it is as long as my Father gets to see the doctor first. that's when my dream of owning my own hospital starts haunting me again. yes. i watch too much of House and i looked up to Dr. Cuddy too much. after about half an hour of waiting which feel more like an eternity, it was our turn. thank God. no accidents or anything (or else it could be beyond eternity), just a couple of patients who was there earlier than us for some unidentified sickness. i didn't go in the check-up room since i think it would be a little crowded there and people might ask me to leave or something. i just waited outside, patiently. all i could do was just praying.

there were time when i was wandering at the entrance into the room and later subsided due to my ridiculous doubts. waiting for them was like eternity again. i didn't really have much lifetime and patience to wait. i was curious and anxious to know how my Father's doing. what's the second doctor's diagnosis. why are they taking so long.

finally, they came out the battlefield with an obscure expression. still, there is no relief sign on their faces or anything. what does that mean. i did remember utter a "cehh". the doctor said that his platelet counts is indeed low but should be back to normal a couple of days later and demand for another blood test after that. my Father was indeed a victim of dengue fever but it was a mild, harmless fever. that did bring a relief sigh eh? we were all putting on happy faces going home after collecting the medicine prescribed. duh. the doctor was initially not knowing of what to prescribe and it was all my Mother requesting for Paracetamol, calamine lotion for the itchiness and vitamins. the doctor said that if it was a severe, fatal dengue fever, my Father would have bled out or something that he would not have survived till today because it has been a week that my Father feels sick. he should be fine with plenty of water and 100plus to prevent dehydration. i wish that the rashes is gone by tomorrow. it was such an irritating sight.

i pray that Father gets well soon. what a day.