Home at its best

i dig the country version better by Blake Shelton.
i was once overwhelmed by the pathos and the longing that Home brings about. Every now and then, i know that i would be playing it more often through my mobile when i left.

Shit. i didn't know that i could ever felt this way. i hate it home sometimes. i felt pity for my Mum. i detest my Sister sometimes because she was sometimes a little bit troublesome. She troubled my Mum and that annoyed me. i know that i'm selfish, i'm impatient, i'm cold, i'm heartless, i'm cruel and i'm anything that a sibling would never want me to have any relations with.

i could never help her anything. i could never ease away my Mother's burden. She's my Mother's burden, sometimes, i thought. Shit. This is impropriate. But that's how i feel, that's how i truly feel deep down inside, no lie, no secret. i get pissed so easily and i couldn't even surmount the energy to stay patience teaching her this and that and repeating the same things over and over again and hoping that she'll get it right, get it smooth, master it, despite the mean words that're thrown on her. They just slipped off because it's very frustrating. Somehow, i wished that that'll boost her confidence, no i mean somehow, the words would make her tried harder, like she could get a pang of awakening to really strive for the better and put her soul on it. Seriously, i think that's the main deterrent. Where's the heart, sometimes, i wonder. maybe she's still young but what about me back then? i surrender. the consequence is that i would live up to this guilt. i don't want her to get bruises, to shatter her self-esteem, to broke her heart. So, i let it be. i'd sin to my mother,to my Sister and yeah, i live up to pretty much thinking about myself. that's also one of the reasons why i don't want to have children, to get married or anything, i mean, me?seriously? Shit. this topic was discussed back then in college. i was influenced by an article i came acrooss in the paper and became a fervent believer. Children. i'll not be a good mother or anything. i am brutal, i am harsh, i could never do a better job than Mum or at least an inch closer than her achievement. Thank you Mother,once again for you raise me really well, very well aside from the part that i'm a little hostile towards Di.

• Finish 'The Lucky One', captivating and inspiring as usual. i believe that i believe in supernatural, magic and fairytale somehow.
• i love Chuck Bass! OMG! He's like sweet in the bitter type, shy in the bold, mysterious and hot! i really love his approach towards Blair. the every little sweet thing that he'd done just for the sake of Blair even though it means that he's to sacrifice and how bad he hurt her but eventually, made it up again at the end of the day because she's the One, becasue he really love her.
• it's high time that i start on my studies...so going to swallow everything and be well-prepared for the next lectures and quizzes and exams...