Resurrecting the Insanity

i have been gaining weight. Great. There's a compelling need that i feel like to stuff everything that's edible, more likely food that i like, particularly those that i've been craving for living away from my hometown. i crawl to bed at the wee hour and wake up in the afternoon and feel sick over it because i want to sleep more but hit by a pang of guilt when i look at the clock so i end up dragging myself from the bed and lie in front of the tv watching all of the broadcasting programmes available. Eat. Bath. Go for a walk, DRIVE!, see how the world spins, feel the joy of my carefree life, laugh as if there's no tomorrow. Life's been so darn great!
Everything seems so surreal. My mid-sem holiday almost comes to an end and a horrible new start will begin soon. Well, it's not actually new but it's to continue what's been brought to a halt, the crazy college life in matriculation. And, i'm not sure how to begin, i'm not sure whether i have the strength to continue, i have to left all these goodness behind and continue. Move on. Feel so sick at the sight of the mountain-high books. i was doing some reading earlier and discovered that those knowledge which are not taught or include in the syllabus are far more interesting than those we need to study over. It's something that couldn't be learnt from the chalkboard (in my case, from the stupid immense display screen).
i woke up feeling extremely tired today. i felt really sick. There's something sticking on my throat and it's killing me. i'm just jaded. And the fact that all this good things is ceasing worsen the situation. Maybe, i don't really enjoy my break to its fullest because i'd been doing so much of thinking during the break. The tests, the study, the people, the expectation, the future, the PAST, the present, the life. Everything is too much and it struck me at the same time, the very same minute and eventually i burst to tears.
What to do now? i'm so lost, again. Have to move on, have to bring my horrendous-and-temporary-idle life to alive again. How to resurrect the dead? the insanity?

Fruitie

Weeks ago when my Chemistry Practical lecturer, Puan(Ma'am) Lisdawati (i think; i have problem remembering the lectures' names because they're super long and they are pretty much similiar to one another and they confuse me) informed us about a Chemistry assignment in which we must be grouped into a maximum of three person and come out with an idea of manufacturing a product that could be related to Chemistry for the benefit of all or sort.

Voila! Fruit enzymes popped up in my mind directly without another second of thinking. Then i summed up the criteria, the vague contents to be included and everything was almost perfectly matched with the format of the report proposal. Whee. Problem solved. i didn't have to waste my precious time, my valuable energy and my almost-dumb mind to figure up something and spent the nights miserably. And a girl came up to me, her name is...Atikah. (Dang. My class has two "Atikah". So get what i mean? The names. They confused me. i didn't have the intention to leave a space in my petite mind to remember them. i remember my classmates by the faces, the familiar faces. i know the people by faces. Hopefully, through the course of time, i could know their names well. Their full name better, so that i know what's the fathers' name. Something i can't deny is that there're a hell lot of beautiful faces in my college. They are Malays by the way. The boys can get so darn good looking and the same thing goes with the girls. They can get into commercials or acting or something because they're really good to look at. Yeah. i often tried to steal a few glances but i prefer the floor sometimes.) Okay. So, Atikah, asked me to join her group. Fine. Thank God you picked me because i would pretty much end up being ostracized. So, along with Kalsom (her name made me think of a type of plant, an edible vegetable that people normally put in the soup, every time i mentioned her name and i can't help to draw up a cunning smile on my face which i tried my very best to hide it. Mischievous.), we teamed up as Fruitie. i told them of my idea and they're totally fine with it because they too were blank.

Now, i'd finally completed my Chemistry assigment. There're still a few things to do to bring up the final touch. And, the big question is the "halality" of the D.I.Y Carrot and Apples Fruit Enzymes. These fruits undergo fermentation process and guess what's produced at the end of the day my fellow science-stream mates? Alcohol. Damn right. Al-freaking-cohol.

So, am i going to cultivate an alcohol-drinking culture in the college by introducing this product which apparently is the in-thing in the chinese-society nowadays? i'm having Dragonfruit enzymes at home now and it tastes quite alike the luxurious grape wine except that they're much sweeter and the smell is not that sharp. Dang. i'm so dead now. i'm fermenting alcohol. However, when i checked through the dictionary, alcohol literary means drinks that contain substances that can make you drunk. So, what if they do contain the alcohol yet they don't really make you drunk? C'mon, How drunk could you be for taking up the fruit enzymes which are great for health because it speeds up the metabolism and stuffs. No way. No drunk. Just healthy and refreshing.

i hope that it's labeled "halal" because the one i saw in the advertisement of the Dragonfruit enzymes sold at the market do have the logo.

i love Greg!

 i love Dr. Gregory House!

 i have been in love with him like years ago. He is just so cool!

 i have been staying up late every single night since i came back home for holidays and watched House on Mac and He does light up my life. i know what i want, what i want to do with my life. He does boost up my spirit and determination to move on. i know i like him, i love him too. 

 i would really love to meet up someone in real life that could really make me feel the way i feel about Dr.House. i love his passion, i love his humour, i love his bad attitudes, i love his eccentric behaviour. Now, all the good and bad, i accept him the way he is, i'm so in love with him. Nonetheless, that's all that he is, a fictional construct. So, by any chance, Dr.House is modeled based on whom huh? 

 He's my main driving force now. i'm so going to get all the 5 seasons of House in DVD. i hope that that'll keep my passion on fire too and brighten vigorously with each passing day, even on those windy days, monsoon season or under whatever circumstances because he's Dr.House. He's so going to make everything okay. And he's keep on guiding and moving me forwards, never let my dream shattered or deterred by any failures. i know that i could trust on him. god, i love that man! 

 i might be labeled crazy for making all these sincere confessions over a fictional construct but i really like the show and i really like Dr.House.

 Continue watching...

Let's get messed up

 Meeting up with friends is exciting. There are so much to talk about, to catch up with each other and to just talk because we haven't seen each other for months. it's kind of weird for me. i think i've changed. i could have talk for hours.

 At night, i flipped on the school magazine that Leewen gave me. it's so fun. it's so funny! it's so confused that the people actually came up with nicknames and i couldn't even fathom the idea that they get for those. i guess i just didn't know people that well. Typical. Fine. 

 i drove! i finally drove!

 OMG! Driving is so damn exciting. i was driving at 80km/h.. i think i would do 50-60 something but then the moment i stepped on the gas pedal, i know that i could do better. Way better. 

 OMG! i think i would like to take back my words. Mum said that she would buy me a car too in the near future but i just shrugged it off, telling her that it's not necessary because i don't really drive. But now, the whole idea just changed, for good. i love driving!

 And, i went for haircut. There's not much different before and after. it's kind of a waste of money.

i'm so ALIVE

 Kota Bharu, the capital of Kelantan has changed quite much.

 i was like so darn happy, grinning from ear to ear all the way to KB this afternoon. There are quite a number of new buildings, skyscrapers mushrooming in the vicinity of Kota Bharu, The Islamic City. i'm quite proud to see the development. Parkson is soon going to open in Kota bharu Trade Centre, besides Pasar Siti Khatijah. Oh well, i think it's quite strategic to have a mall there because the bus station is just behind it. Get down the bus, hit the mall. Very convenient for someone who couldn't drive like me.

 Mum bought a new car! A black Myvi special edition 1.3. it is Brother's. The agent called to pick up the car. My parents were like so darn happy with the car's registration number-DBM 908. i think it's very fine too. M for Ming. D=0,B=8. KO was born in September. Chineses love 8, Chineses love 9. Father was like having this vision weeks before, wishing that the number could have a 8 or 9 or both. Typical Chinese. And his wish was granted on his 48th's birthday! Today! 23th July 2009! Happy Birthday Pup. Eh...no birthday cake today but tomorrow will be so today we're having ice-cream fiesta. 

 i felt a zest to drive. No fear, no shiver, just want to do it because it's a freaking new car. However, Mum was like fighting over the steering with me. Okay. i surrendered. My time will come i guess. 

 Mum drove all the way to Tumpat and went to meet a Buddhist monk/bhikkhu, so that He could perform a simple rite, praying for safety and stuffs. He was so cool! i like His attitude. He told me to not be afraid of the deaths. If i happen to meet anyone in the college as what's been rumoured that some people did actually encounter a few and i don't really want to hear any more of the stories since the last one because it's very creepy and i should stop picturing it, all i could do is to say "i'm not afraid of you, i'm ALIVE and you're DEAD (you're so DEAD)! Go away!". i must not let the fear to conquer me. The more i'm scared, the more likely they're going to disturb me. i'm not going to be distracted by them. i must brace myself. I'm ALIVE.   

*tomorrow going to meet up some friends. i sort of freak out. i don't know what to do or say. Do they still know who i am? Do they hate me or something? Am i even welcome to the gathering?

 

Complication

 After MST, i was heartless. Heartless during lectures, tutorials and practical(well, there's apparently no experiments throughout the week). i should have do my revisions at night and digest every lesson, especially for Biology but i didn't. Instead, i think i had already started packing for home like days before. Then, i read, living in my own fictitious world at night before being lullabied to sleep by Sparks' writing. By the way, i have a super hot Biology lecturer, Miss Tan Wai Ying, maybe in her twenty something, going 30. i love her so much that i used to pay so much attention during her lecturers  and never ever feel sleepy as i was totally energetic and refresh just at the sight of her. Yeah, she's fun and good to look at. There's like some sort of aura, some little thing about her. However, After MST, what the heck, i couldn't take in any of the lecturers anymore, my soul was at home but body was at PMC, sitting slovenly in lecture hall, listening to those familiar voices without having the intention of mesmerizing them afterwards, copying notes with illegible handwriting, walking to classes without having a direction and stumbled and startled, still didn't matter, what's matter most was that i was about to get home SOON.  

 Now, serve me right. 

 Why the hell is the aerobic and anaerobic process are so darn complicated? God must have been a super duper GREAT creator of the universe, the living things, the human beings, the supernatural, the every single thing. i shuddered at the thought.

 i studied the processes over and over and over and flipped my Campbell over and over and over and read through lines over and over and over till i get the heck of it. i mean till i get the answer, the solution of my doubts. Statements. Sometimes, you don't just agree with them and accept them as they are. There are always so many whys that popped up in the boggling mind and to get a good night sleep, find the damn answer and put a stop to the burning that it caused in the head and let the snow falls. (Analogy...analogy) 

 The hardest thing about Biology is that a teeny weeny simple thing can get abstrusely complicated. To simplified it, studying by understanding not by memorizing. But, (yes, there's always a but), memorizing is still crucial, but not necessary everything. i mean, seriously?!

Home at its best

i dig the country version better by Blake Shelton.
i was once overwhelmed by the pathos and the longing that Home brings about. Every now and then, i know that i would be playing it more often through my mobile when i left.

Shit. i didn't know that i could ever felt this way. i hate it home sometimes. i felt pity for my Mum. i detest my Sister sometimes because she was sometimes a little bit troublesome. She troubled my Mum and that annoyed me. i know that i'm selfish, i'm impatient, i'm cold, i'm heartless, i'm cruel and i'm anything that a sibling would never want me to have any relations with.

i could never help her anything. i could never ease away my Mother's burden. She's my Mother's burden, sometimes, i thought. Shit. This is impropriate. But that's how i feel, that's how i truly feel deep down inside, no lie, no secret. i get pissed so easily and i couldn't even surmount the energy to stay patience teaching her this and that and repeating the same things over and over again and hoping that she'll get it right, get it smooth, master it, despite the mean words that're thrown on her. They just slipped off because it's very frustrating. Somehow, i wished that that'll boost her confidence, no i mean somehow, the words would make her tried harder, like she could get a pang of awakening to really strive for the better and put her soul on it. Seriously, i think that's the main deterrent. Where's the heart, sometimes, i wonder. maybe she's still young but what about me back then? i surrender. the consequence is that i would live up to this guilt. i don't want her to get bruises, to shatter her self-esteem, to broke her heart. So, i let it be. i'd sin to my mother,to my Sister and yeah, i live up to pretty much thinking about myself. that's also one of the reasons why i don't want to have children, to get married or anything, i mean, me?seriously? Shit. this topic was discussed back then in college. i was influenced by an article i came acrooss in the paper and became a fervent believer. Children. i'll not be a good mother or anything. i am brutal, i am harsh, i could never do a better job than Mum or at least an inch closer than her achievement. Thank you Mother,once again for you raise me really well, very well aside from the part that i'm a little hostile towards Di.

• Finish 'The Lucky One', captivating and inspiring as usual. i believe that i believe in supernatural, magic and fairytale somehow.
• i love Chuck Bass! OMG! He's like sweet in the bitter type, shy in the bold, mysterious and hot! i really love his approach towards Blair. the every little sweet thing that he'd done just for the sake of Blair even though it means that he's to sacrifice and how bad he hurt her but eventually, made it up again at the end of the day because she's the One, becasue he really love her.
• it's high time that i start on my studies...so going to swallow everything and be well-prepared for the next lectures and quizzes and exams...
  

The Last Song

OMG!!!

The Last Song is due 8 September!!!

OMG!!!

i can't wait!

i haven't finish The Lucky One!!!

Okay. i was in Nicholas Sparks' site and quickly swift my sight away from the screen because i don't want to know the synopsis of the story. it isn't supposed to be that way. i don't want to know the general idea of the story....i want to start reading from the very first page and let it end and do my own synopsis.

The Last Song. Hmm.....it's the same title from one of the song from the all-american-reject i think.....here it goes...



And since when does Billy Joe get so cute??!!! *swoon

There's no place like home

OMG!

Where should i begin?

i'm so finally home. i'm so finally back. it felt like getting back all the freedom, getting back all the life, getting back all the good things and i'm afraid that i dare not going back to college after a fortnight.

what has changed? Uhm... everything's pretty much the same except that my bedroom is totally a mess. i laid on my super cozy bed for hours, sleeping the hell out of the day as what i'd been dreaming of doing ever since i left home.

it's been 9 weeks. 9 weeks not meeting my dear Father. i felt heartwarming at the sight of my Mother and Di, coming to fetch me and got me home this morning. i felt exhilarated at the sight of my father, welcoming me home and getting all my bags for me. Pup's still the same Pup. OMG! Pup said i'd gone slimmer than before and Mum said that my face is now slightly sharper. OMG! i'm so happy. Nonetheless, i'm so going to dig in all the food that i'd been craving for and eat the hell out of the day. Yesterday went to Ipoh-Jaya Jusco for lunch and i tasted the most delicious Prawn Noodles and a cup of very tasty, aromatic and special ice white coffee. OMG! Suddenly felt like going back to dine in at The Chatter Kopitiam again. OMG! i want to go shopping for watches, clothes or something. Yesterday managed to get The Lucky One, Galaxie, previous edition which featured NewMoon Poster in it, a blouse for Mum and a pencil case for Di. Overall, i spent 100 over. It's the very first time i felt enjoyable and fabulous for a shopping spree. maybe, it's because of finally could get home the next few hours and using own money(from allowance) to shop.

Last night was insane. We(huiwoon, Jiening, Meiying and i) waited the bus for around one and a half hour before departing from the scheduled time. Luckily we didn't board on the first bus that
Meiying managed to get on but only two seats were available. The bus got punchured in Jeli or something. Hah. i alwas know that there must have been something fishy for everything that happened the way it happened and for all the good and bad things. it's sort of a cycle. Journey home in the bus was not a good experience at all. it's freaking cold, it's freaking uncomfortable, it's freaking aching. The moment the bus pulled down at Jeli for a while, i opened my eyes and thinking there's going to be two hours or more to go. The next moment i opened my weary eyes, it's like magic. We're in Pasir Mas already. Woohoo. i passed my house, i mean the neighbourhood. it took quite a distance to travel home from the main road. And now, here i am. Downloading Gossip Girl Season 2 Finale(CHUCK!!!), doing internet browsing (OMG!!Chace Crawford's starring in Leona Lewis 'i will be' music video!!! Btw, 'i will be' was a cover from Avril's) Uhm, Green Day's 21 Guns was sort of having an issue with plagiarizing Avril's Complicated. But, seriously, i think it's just ...... coincidence. People are just making up stories, many songs are similar to one another, it's sort of unavoidable, for me.

Yay....Ahh....there's no place like home...

A List-to-do

• EAT ALL THE DECENT FOOD
• DRIVING
• CYCLE
• SHOPPING
• SLEEEEEP!!!
• HOUSE !!!
• REST
• REST
• REST
• REST
• MEET UP SOME FRIENDS (LEEWEN! WEICHEN!)
• REST
• REST
• SLEEEEEP!!!
• FRUITS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  
• CHUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (couldn't believe that i'd forgotten about Chuck! it's in my last list, just pop up just now...)

 Okay. Mid-semester test is just around the corner, like 3 days later or so.

 it signifies that the freaking exciting day of the journey home is drawing near too!!

 i couldn't stop thinking about going home like 24/7. Studying, doing mountainous homework, having bath, doing laundry, sleeping, peeing, eating and all makes me thinking of HOME. Sometime, i would even picture what i would do if i'm home that particular moment, drawing the structure of my house in my mind, my bedroom, computer, family, fantasizing conversations with Mum, Pup and Di. 

 it has been two freaking months!!! i miss home like so very much! the longest period i left home was only around 1 week, i think. but now, it's 8 freaking weeks. The excruciation is unexplainable, undefinable and malicious.

 i wish that i could perform well in the test and hoping that the longing of going home wouldn't affect my studies. One thing for sure, i wouldn't miss one second or millisecond missing home, missing family, missing the place where my heart belong!

  

5th July 2009

Does teaching do grow in my blood?
it was so exhausting to teach my fellow college mates yesterday for i was selected as one of the facilitators for Biology subject.
Overall, i felt completely helpless. it made me realise that it's impossible for me to help everyone as much as i want to. i'd done my best but i know that i could have done better. i'm not the best but i just tried to be the best, to share with them my not-so-much knowledge and assist them to overcome their problems.

Today was Huiwoon's 18th birthday. Happy birthday to you.
We (Soohui,Weinie,Jiening,Aida,Ros,Gi-ah and i) made a small surprise and not-so-grand birthday
party for her. Woon was like so freaking touched by every little thing that we'd set up. Lucky her. Today, Aunt Tanjung Malim brought me Apple cake and it would serve as her 18th Birthday cake. So, Woon joined me together with Uncle and Aunty to have a simple lunch just a stone's throw away from the college. We digged in too much of PORKS!!! i smelt like pork still...

Mid-Semester Test(MST) is just around the corner. It signifies that the day to go back home is drawing near too. i can't stop thinking about going home but i still have to cope with my studies, MST and stuff. it's driving me crazy! i'm starting making vague listing of what's i'm so going to do once i get back!!!

Here comes the ...

Thank-You Note

Things had been good. it seemed so surreal.
i aced Chemistry, Biology and Mathematics. Nonetheless, i knew that in the following quizzes or tests, i'm so going to doom. i lived up to believe that when good things come, bad things follow and the cycle continues. Great. It's not as if making mistake is a sin, it's a learning process.

i loved to talk over the phone and IM with Mother. Well, chatting's better because sometimes, words are hard to pronounce. Sentences are hard to phrase but luckily i haven't forget my mother-tongue. Pouring out everything to Mother is fantastic. She always has this superpower to lighten up my almost dying spirits. She is so wise that everything she said is so true and there's no point arguing with her because every single words she said is true, real and make sense. So, Mother's my private counsellor now. i found strength and the will to move on , remembering her words, her "philosophy" and her guidance. i found happiness, security and serenity connecting her. So, Mother's my best friend now.

i realise that i love her more now. It's not as if i didn't love her before but it's just that the distance makes me realise that she's the best, she's the one that i could never ever stop loving, she's my best friend, she's my everything, she's the reason why i'm a live, she's the 'Doraemon', she's my personal brand of "heroin" and she's the everything i need. It makes me just love her so much and i don't even know if there's any words to describe this feeling, this flummoxed feeling. it's something that i've never felt before. In the years before, i would said "I love my, Mother", thinking about every little thing that so great about her and how she's made up my life. Now, i'm saying "I LOVE MY MOTHER!", thinking about how brilliant and great and divine and bizarre and perfect she is and she's one of the missing puzzle that i've been looking for all this while. My Mother's just too COOL! Yay, i have a COOL Mother!
The distance has made me truly truly truly understand why i love Her. The distance has made me genuinely genuinely genuinely love her with every ounce of strength or courage or anything that's needed.
I LOVE YOU MOTHER! There's so no one like you and i'll never stop loving you.