beautiful like you

Everybody wants to look into the mirror
And feel a little better now

And everybody wants to know there's someone out there
Waiting for you to come around

And I wish that you could feel it
But you don't choose to believe it
Cause I know that you can't see it that way

If you could only just stop stop stop running
If you could only take a second to breathe it in
Everything that you know would be beautiful, like you
You know they're never gonna stop stop stop your love
Let's pretend that the world is waking up
Everything that we see is beautiful, like you.

Everybody wants to tell someone their secrets
Why don't you tell me now?

Well, maybe I can fix this
Then I don't want you to miss this
And the sun is raining down

If you could only just stop stop stop running
If you could only take a second to breathe it in
Everything that you know would be beautiful, like you
You know they're never gonna stop stop stop your love
Let's pretend that the world is waking up
Everything that we see is beautiful, like you

Sometimes it's hard to be yourself in this crazy world
Sometimes it's hard to breathe

Everybody wants to know there's someone out there
Waiting for you to come around

If you could only just stop stop stop running
If you could only take a second to breathe it in
Everything that you know would be beautiful, like you
You know they're never gonna stop stop stop your love
Let's pretend that the world is waking up
Everything that we see can be beautiful, Like you

i could totally relate to the song! i remember gluing my eyes in front of the idiot box (last year, if i'm not mistaken) watching the american idol finale 2010. deep down my heart, i was praying that Crystal could win it. first, because she's a woman. and i totally sympathize her unfortunate difficulties, struggling as a single mum and stuffs. besides, she could really sing. and i was emotionally touched listening to her singing especially Up to the mountain. (actually have to YouTube this, i just remember something with the mountain) nonetheless, Americans vote for Lee Dewyne. and he has finally get to have his dreams come true and it was totally a life-changing experience. creating his name in the music industry and making money now while enjoying singing. and now, i am totally in love with this song - Beautiful Like You! i am happy for his success and hopefully he can go further.

it's been two years since Michael Jackson passed away. been listening to the radio since afternoon and they're playing his music all day long which bring back a few memories. on the other hand, i knew that on this particular exact date two years ago while i was doing my matriculation, my friend was enduring the most unforgettable day of her life. and dying totally changes everything. do cherish your loved ones. =)

mobile

everything's changing when i turn around, all out of my control i'm a mobile.

almost 20 years of my life has been spent on planet earth. reaching the beginning of second decade, i always wish that i have always has something that i am good at and good with. so that i could carry it on with the rest of my life. something significant. a talent or a beauty or a fortune or a heart or a mind that distinguish me from others. and at the end, i find myself going back to my root. i am proud as someone's daughter. wouldn't trade it for the world.

not sure since when do i begin to keep a distance from people. every close relationship that i have with once the strangers is becoming just a memorable history. i am aware of the distance that i am trying to keep. wouldn't take a glance looking back at how much i have left them behind and just looking forward as a lone wolf. it's so weird that the more i spent time with people, the more uncomfortable i get for having to doubt the sincerity. aware of the awkwardness and the odd stare i get from the eyes. i dont like to explain myself very much for every decision and every step that i make. it's just that i dont have much faith in others and i lack self confident. what is the price of trustworthy? maybe i am the one being sensitive about certain issues in which i always resolve to acting dumb and paying ignorance. therefore, i would love to apologize if ever i have disappoint anyone for my insensitivity. people dont need to understand me and i dont yearn for their understanding too.

as for my second year as a second year medical student, i am currently staying in an apartment with my other 6 housemates. things could be really crazy at times. it's like living in a big family. it's like everyday is a celebration season in which there's cheers and stuffs. sometimes, the feeling they give me is more than what i have experienced with my own family. at home, the ambience is more towards serenity, comfort and contentment. on the other hand, here, there are more laughters, louder and togetherness. it's not as if i am not happy at home. it's just different kind of happiness. and somehow i wonder whether i could take a little of here and there and make up my own ideal family. and i am thankful for the privacy i could have for living in this single room. the freedom of typing, singing and listening to myself. yes. it sounds contradicting from keeping a distance with people/friends and starting to bond with my fellow housemates/friends. maybe because i did not put in too much feeling and the sensitivity that i scared one day they would break it apart.

wish i never grow up

i am about to make a bigger and bolder step as a second year medical student. i don't really like the sound of second year and medical student bring together. i mean, as a first year, especially at the beginning i do know what i want. yes. this is hypocrite me.

after one long halt, i am not either physically or mentally ready to continue. i thought it was a high time to spend some time and spare some thoughts on my future. i thought that i would have to go thru a thorough process of awakening; that i am able to let go and take things as it come. nonetheless, i know that i have failed and all i do is to escape from reality and wasting time living in my own fantasy and comfort zone. i know that i will not be ever ready. i am just a loser who loves to whine constantly about my life without given much of token of appreciation. truth is, nobody really knows what i have gone thru and what would be waiting throughout my journey of discovery.

i yearn to be a better person. meeting with people from different walks of life do give a great motivation to me. i learn that most of them have unique and special talent or maybe interest that they are passionate about. and i can somehow see the variety colour in their lives. some indulge in music, writing, singing, sports and they do have a quality social life that i somehow wish i could be a part of those. knowing myself as a lone ranger who prefer to spare time to myself yet not to make the best out of it, it pains to know that all that is left of me is the thinking instead of actions. i do have many things to do about my life. to improve my life so that i have multiple skills and talent instead of being just a commoner and ordinarily ordinary.

sure there's a tinge of jealousy to know that people actually enjoys a better life than i do. and I am the one to decide what's 'better'. how do i know ? who am i to decide ?

things change as we grow. and as for me, it just changes a whole lot more recently. speaking of adulthood. it is equalized to responsibility that ones have to carry. parents and ourselves sure expect us to know how to take responsibility to our own doings and to be able to take care of ourselves. moreover, they expect us to think maturely, like an adult who knows how to fence for himself.

and for the umpteenth time, i am insisting that i don't want to grow up.

as for today, i am actually experiencing a mixed feelings that i never feel before. you can name it alphabetically and i have it all. too much to handle and i find it best to resort to blogging. and i am uncomfortably numb by all these. i know much more is coming ranging from family, academic and friendship. thought the world is going to end on you-know-the-date as a part of me kind of fed up and exasperated with my not clearly define with purposeless life. and it seems to move on and the world continue to spin.

i am just too tired at this point.

it's not your fault

finally get myself sick after too much of resting. it is really tormenting. it feels like i am half way to hell yet one of my feet is still stuck on planet Earth. when nights crawl in, it was the worse nightmares ever. every fiber of my being was shivering, in cold. and i was beyond exhausted. waking up feeling like i had been hit by a truck, having to drag my bodies everywhere. and i laid back on the couch watching my series.

then, it was a high time to go for a visit at the most dreaded place on earth ever since i was a kid-the clinic. when i told the ladies at the counter of my number/pass code or whatsoever it is, identification number sounds better i reckon, they were flabbergasted. i know. the last time i was there is like 10 years ago. 2001 as my eyesight is still function-able. i saw that from the patient record card. and if i am not mistaken that was when i got some minor allergic or probably just harmless rashes as the prescription was just Calamine lotion.

and at the end of the day, it was a free of charge consultancy.

the questions have been really hard for me to answer. among the reasons for me to hate holidays is that i would meet up with people and they would be asking the million dollar question which is how's life. How is life. right. so, i would be expecting myself to say life's okay, good sure. i mean, the questioner wouldn't have intended to hear me whining about how i wish there was a second road taken or a detour because sometimes i dont even know if i want to move on, by asking that question. it was just a simple simply phrase question after all. maybe i am the only one who is taking it seriously. but frankly, there's a lot to it.

i wouldn't deny that i still have interest in gaining more knowledge on medicine. the problem is that i don't take the initiation to fully apply it and bear it in mind. it was all just in my short term memory. i am really frustrated at myself sometimes. Well, the doctor i was consulting today was the first one ever asked me if i regret doing medicine, my answer is yes. i would say yes all the time. Would i quit it before i completely my studies, securing a MD, definitely no. i would not quit until the dean kicks me out of his precious faculty.

roll on

i used to have a virtual to-do-list whenever i am jaded with my studies and city-life few weeks before. i tried on the treadmill. it was exceptionally awesome as i start sweating and burning off some fat. i vowed to make it a habit and fit it inside my daily schedule but apparently my laziness gets the better of me. nonetheless, i will 'rescheduled' it. half an hour run before i dig in my brunch. i hope that i can abide to it.

i have renewed my driving license. it's kind of boggle me as it only last for about a year while i am not even close to the steering wheel for months. those months that drag on which feel like years. and i have enough confident that i can now drive okay and can get control of the car but i have to convince others and stop my mum from saying she feels like getting heart attack whenever i am driving. Mum being Mum. exaggerate too much sometimes.

i totally love waking up in the near afternoon without having an alarm, without a vibrating mobile underneath my pillow that shakes me off my dream. what's more grateful is that i don't have to scratch my head thinking of what to eat throughout the day as it's been taken care of. and there's totally a free and escape from my academic stuffs. i don't have to read through the notes, don't have to attend the exam, classes, lectures. it's just wonderful. i don't care if i am not doing anything productive. even if i feel like i need to occupy myself with reading, i will just procrastinate it. it looks as if i enjoy watching more. my dramas and movies are becoming scarce as days gone by. i try to keep an episode or two a day but it's running fast now. what do i do once i have reach the finale? not going to re-watch it for sure.

so i have a month left before i continue a medical student's life. first off, i am glad and thankful that i made it through second year. and it's definitely with no flying color but i couldn't care much. embrace it. then, after another years of conflicts and struggles, where will i be? how would i become? so much of questions. i am still on my journey of discovery.

update

still exhaust from the last visit to the beach. i must have gone old, ragged. since the holiday starts, i have been spending half of the day lying in bed and it surely is a meaningless, idle life but i am loving it. smitten with Vampire Diaries now. somehow, i think it's better than twilight and the trilogies. maybe because it's made into television series instead of 1 and a half hour movie.

a day at the beach surely taught me a lot. looking at the vast blue/greenish sea and it's endless. what is it over there? the end of the world? Japan? Phillipines? nope. they are not in sight. the horizon is intangible and it seems unreachable from where i stand. what really baffle me is that i thought the force of tsunami is unimaginably ferocious. the damage it caused is beyond terrible, leaving horrible nightmares. my condolence to those who lost their home and their loved one.

counting days. i would never ever wanted to go back to my regular life though things have improved now. i would be living in a better, homey place instead of the eerie hostel. my studies could have improved still i aint gong to put much thought of it, just let it be. the sky's the limit. but i dont want to push myself so hard that would bring me to a point where i could lose myself again. then, what's the fun in life? what is the purpose of life?

Avril's Black Star tour has kicked in in China, first stop i reckoned. and i am so damn pissed that the Boleh-land is not included. like What The Hell. it must have interfered with the last visit which brought about the controversial issues. and duh. i hate it 'here' sometimes for issue like this. a country i have learn to love and despise at the same time. maybe, just maybe, i could go to Singapore but i think it's to late now. dont start with When there's a will, there's a way. think my Avril-dream is doomed again just like a couple of years ago. fret not. throughout the years, i realised that my love and passion for her hasnt changed a bit.

completed Safe Haven. i enjoy reading very much. feel like going to the public library and borrow some but what could i expect from the local? duh.

plain human

it's has been quite a while since my last post. it seems like i have to start every single post with this significant line of mine.

life has been filled with ups and downs. it's like a roller coaster ride. sometimes, you get on top. sometimes, you get back on the ground. it makes you feel like you can spread your wings and fly but later, i find it surreal and things get back to solid ground again that i wish upon the stars every night that life could be much more easier for me.

again, i have to remind myself everyday that this is the road i have taken. the thing is that i have to work like a lot harder to make it a success. i really really do wish that i have a different life. thought that as long as the interest is there, nothing could bring me down but apparently i am so deadly wrong. i dont even know if the interest and passion is still burning inside or everything has subsided little by little through the course of time until i have to doubt myself whether it's still there. the little voice inside me always has the answer yet it's kind of impossible to make a diversion from here. now.

i always have stupid, preposterous thoughts running in my mind whenever the exam is near. truth is i really fear it because i couldn't find a way to conquer it although i reckoned that i did before. i wish it never comes. i wish the word ends. i wish i wake up the next day and found myself dead. sudden death. i wish i live in fantasy. i wish i have superpower. but, i am just a human.

dont want to live in regret and things have to go on whether i like it or not. stay positive. and i would be home soon and this is the price i have to pay.