Almost sober

I was on the 13th floor(I stay on a17th floor apartment though), standing straight, two upper limbs resting on the balcony wall and looked down for 10 seconds, picturing what's it like to jump from there. I saw the reflection of buildings in the pool below. It was so quiet. Although its a huge condominium with at least 200 units around, I couldn't hear any voice or see any shadows of people.

I took my time to take in the moment, trying to rest my congested and tired mind. Taking deep breathe in and out. Realize that it actually wasn't that hard to take some quality time to ease myself after a long day of work. And realize that there's more to life. I shouldn't keep myself lock in the solitude of my room too much thinking nonsense and bring in the negative energy in me.

I did take a long time to grieve and to accept the way inverse works in which you could never be on top or in comfortable spot all the time. I just learn on how to deal with loss, failure and devastation. Sure, it wasn't an easy one. I was emotionally touched and I did cry a little watching Racheal Crow in X factor who had just been voted out. I know how she feels like. Things happen too sudden. She just collapsed on the floor after the announcement. I know how it feels like. Just want to reach out for her telling everything will be fine because I too have been there before and now I am still living my life, gratefully.

I just wish that the ne year will bring more joy and luck for me. And I really need to learn to let go.

God in this moment

If you are waiting in the long line under the scorching hot sun for a warranted once in a lifetime experience to have your one wish granted by the Almighty, do you still wait for it since you've endure so much of miserable turmoils and miseries along the way? You know exactly what the outcomes would be, a successful one, though not exactly like the smooth and happy way you want it to be but you know you're going to nail it anyway, it's just that your path is not as easy and light as the other lucky one who are on the same line. Do you still look ahead for it? you know. just to have that special moment to take in everything and be proud of who you are. Never mind the running dry tears, never mind the backstabbing, never mind the cheating, never mind the sharp words that subtly kill you inside because you're such a sensitive person.

Since you are already have that nod of guaranteed passport to that new world, you just have to climb a few more mountains, swim across a few more ocean, walked across a few more miles of hot burning stony path that hurt your foot so much, dragged yourself across the smelly, soaky swamp areas with fatal predators inside, before you eventually see the new word you're going to live in soon. And suddenly, there's this Good Samaritan, (or He could be a devil), that offer you a one way ride to a parallel world that you've missed, the one you have been thinking about if you didn't queue in the line with other dreamers and fighters for you that one wish to be granted with a few dreading conditions to be fulfilled. Should i go on the ride?

sometimes, before i go to sleep. i always think about all those absurd, magical things that i wish could happen to me. =( the reality is just a boring, tiring world with no creativity whatsoever. not my preferable hues of color to be in.

Crossing

How to be brave? How to face the day, tomorrow. Trying so hard to make you understand but now I realize that you would never understand because nobody can. You are not in my position. It's like how absurd it is for a perfectly healthy fit doctor to tell a just amputated patient how he/she understand what it's like to lost a limb. It's a lie. A bullshit because he never really lost a limb before. Therefore, I will stop asking you to understand. Acknowledgment is more than enough. I am already sick and feeling bad for burdening you guys with my emotional breakdowns. Little did I know that you have sacrifice a lot and make a lot of efforts to make me better again after the chaos.

Where do is go? Living the rest of my life like a living puppet? I am too coward to admit my weakness and limitations.

no. I do admit it but I wonder why it is always you that seem to have unceasing faith on me.
I dont even know when did i start to have so much of courage and bravery to hold on since the last time I blog.there must be something that keeps me holding on till today and I am starting to accept thing the way it is and to move on and strive for survival again. I have so many people to thank especially my parents and this friend that I had talked to the other day. I am very grateful and thankful to her because I think that i start to feel a whole lot better after the chat. I hope that she will continue to move on too and may God bless her.

self destruction

self-destruction is the answer! i really need to find a few proper ways to destruct myself. however, never does weed, drugs and alcohol come across my mind. i mean it does but never take it for serious.

i guess the filial, wise and rational part of me is still living inside that has been keeping me sane and self-loving.

i am really scared that the stubborn me will manage to persuade me to make the move that will surely change my life forever. i know that when i want something, so damn much, i will somehow find my way to get it. and i am really really terrified that i will make me end my own misery and at the same time i guess i will disappoint a lot of people and they are going to be like....oh no....u are not trying too hard and ur best yet, u shouldnt give up now, everyone has gone thru it and yada yada yada. has anyone even really get in my shoes before? do they know how awkward and depressing it is to be in the wrong shoes, the wrong size, wrong color, wrong style. has anyone even notice the awkward gait that i'm having or how hard i try to hide my awkwardness? and most importantly, anyone ever notice how my feet have gone distorted all these while, reminding me of the China's lotus foot? it's a form of exploitation. it's a form of abuse. it's agony. it's painful. it's just devastating.

another wasted day spending doing nothing. spending doing nonsense. spending thinking of how to destruct myself. thinking of gaining pity and attention from them. please. i know they have sacrifice a lot and they are probably more upset than i already am. i hope than i will not develop any trace of annoyance or anger towards them because they have been my number one supporter all these while. and it keeps me thinking whether the dream is mine or theirs? am i creating my own life, creating my own future, my own self or am i living their dream?

those are again just excuses i make for myself. those are just lies i lied to make myself feel i wasnt the one at fault.

and i am still indulge in my own wonderland. my escapism. i cant talk about the truth. i dont even dare to open up. i havent ready for it yet and there comes random people trying to intervene and intertwine in between.

when you try your best but you dont succeed.

when you get what you want but not what you need.

when you feel so tired but you cant sleep.

stuck in reverse.

and the tears come streaming down your face.

when you lose something you cant replace.

when you love someone but it goes to waste.

could it be worst.

lights will guide you home.

and ignite your bones.

and I will try to fix you.

and high up above or down below.

when you're too in love to let it go.

but if you never try you'll never know.

just what you're worth.

i am so lazy today

bravo. first day of semester 4 and i skipped the classes in the morning. i am just too tired as i just reached KL this morning by train and i figured i might as well just skip the day.

spend my day in the room on my bed streaming x factor on utube and just listen and watch how those talented people give me goosebumps and inspiration.

i just love how i "idle" my life today. i did nothing productive and all i was doing were wasting time. i want to really feel like and be a dawdler, a useless and worthless being.

it wasnt really hard as i thought it would be meeting people. so let's just put everything behind first eh? i wish my mum's here next week so that i have a reasonable reason to not attend the junior welcoming night. i want o seclude myself from everyone and everything. i think i just take my depression problem to the next level.

all right. i am off to bed. wish i really never wake up. oh World War 3, Judgement Day, Armageddon or whatever it is, r u happening tomorrow?

faking

now i feel like im back to my primary school again. i can still recall when i was in standard 3, i dont know what had happened to me as i dreaded to go to school. there was once i had my father walked me to class and carry my bag and all just to get his attention. i think i even fake my chest pain. i dont know if it was real back then.

i dont feel like going back to my student life! but the difference now is i am very well aware of the reason why i dread it so much. the difference is my father wouldnt be there anymore to take care of me.

there are so many things running in my mind. i have been googling nonsense stuffs and options. i am really depressed now. nobody can help me. God help hose who help themselves?! yeah right. i dont think i can even help myself out from the mess.

dont always tell me to go on, move on with my life. i have to take some time to analyze and think over about the decision and step to put forward. and i am so regret over the passed few years for the biggest and arrogant move i had made which turns out to be a misery and definitely a huge mistake ever. dont ask me to put myself 20 years forward because i just know this aint my calling anymore. shrug. i really dont feel like giving a damn anymore.

welcome to my life

all my life has been gooooood but now i'm thinking what the hell. this is when i hate the fact how my sixth sense becomes tangible. i just know it when thing likes that would happen and i dont know how to face the world with it. it feels good to talk, to just spit everything out. it's true that people just need the acceptance, listening ears to listen. and follows by silence. it comes and goes though, like a ferocious roller coster ride. worst, to realise that you have all been on your own all the ride. nobody to share the excitement and the frightening experience. you can just vaguely hear people shouting from below on how it's going to end soon but they never really know how it really feels, inside. wrecked u up, parasite sipping up the nutrient and invincible vampires sucking up the blood.

damn. when life gives you lemon, you can either make lemonade out of it or put out a sour face. why life is giving me lemon anyway?! i have heard enough of the courageous words, the advices, the endless motivation and in fact i'm giving and passing it to those who needs it too. although deep down my heart, i know that those are all just lies. a lie that's covered by another and i live in a lie. a horrendous lie. i dont want to know the truth and force to accept it with the possible big heart i could ever offer. you fall down and you get up again. you complete the race. doesnt matter who comes first, second or third. what if you're asthmatic? do you still put your life at risk knowing you're in grave danger cause nobody's going to offer medical helps along the run?

i stared at the wall, the ceiling, the space and pictured myself in the best mask i could ever put on possible. i dragged on the day, wondering if the end is near. it's like watching a good movie or a good drama and you wish it never ends that it will go on forever. that way, you dont have to turn off the tv and proceed with other activity. it's like praying for tomorrow never comes for you have been spending the best day of your life ever and know tomorrow will never be the same again. worse, it could be you're having the most disastrous day ever and could not summon the courage to welcome tomorrow. i just slack on and wish that i was living in a dream or a fairy tale, waiting for my life's story to be ended ASAP. i just wish i fall into a deep slumber and never wakes up again. that way, i wouldnt even exist and i dont have to turn on my masochistic genes, hurting my mind mentally. that way, i could dwell in my own escapism without having to face the cruel and heartbreaking reality.

now, i fully understand the lonesomeness that Anna and Vicki have been experiencing. they were ghosts and were surprisingly brought back to vampire diaries. i think it's normal that like other soap operas, they'll come up with new plot and story line just to keep the show on and anticipated. they have been feeling indescribable lonesome and solitude in the other side of the world cause they cant find peace or sort. i just feel the same. after all these struggles, i know that i am all alone all these while. no matter how much i try to make myself sounds right because of my egoism, no matter how hard i try to make them resort to end my suffering, no matter how vigilant i have been, shits still happen just because i deserved it. things happen for a reason. okay. i get it. just tell me the real reason. dont just tell me the good things to make things better or make me feel better. i can make up poker face and you dont even want to know how miserable and depressing it is inside. and i am really really sorry for all that have happens. we could not change it. i hope my mischievous and stubborn self do not get the better off me just to save my pride from the mess that i have created.

maybe my faith isn't strong enough and i have my doubts. somehow, i just want to put a stop to all the supernatural, beliefs and traditionally cultures thing because a part of me know that it isn't just about that. true that those things seem to make the elders and self more prepared spiritually and mentally but did anyone even try to see the clearer and big picture before? hello?! i am a dead walking body here. anyone try to dig down inside me, to make a postmortem on me? maybe there's a chance of resurrection. well God, i just hope You keep me faithful and tenacious enough to hold on. not blaming anyone cause i know fault is on me, solely. i am just frustrated and exasperated and pissed and upset with myself. and i hope that i wouldnt betray myself in the near future.

i am pretty sure i am going to visit here more frequent. try many escapism. sleeping is the best i would say when you mind is just shut off, you wouldnt have to care a word.