beyond that smudge

yet another awesome and meaningful family outing with my funniest and favourite Aunt. it seems that i have inevitably become a part of them or i like to think so. i am forever grateful and thankful that Uncle and Aunt are always willing to make such great efforts coming down, sending me back when i went for a few nights sleepover. make sure i am fine and all. and i honestly believed and hope that their children will grow up great in the future.

the time spending with them are so valuable cuz they teach me priceless lessons. and of course they sometimes reflected my life, watching the scene before me making it feels like i am playing my history backward and make me reminiscence of the good old days i used to have. and the bad one included. Uncle and Aunt have definitely make awesome and the bestest parents a child can be gifted with. and of course, they are blessed with wonderful children too.

i made a visit to the National Bird Park and National Museum today. yes. i don't think that i would ever have yet another opportunity to visit those places again growing older. pfft. are you kidding me? museum?! but frankly speaking, the museum kind of giving of a sense of eerie and freakish. looking at the dummies gave me goosebumps and i had to look away. it was as if they are alive. Night at the museum definitely left great impacts to a 'particular' part of the viewer and i am one of them. nonetheless, i think that a visit to National Museum would serve as an awesome field trip for those studying History because learning and reading from the mundane textbooks alone aren't going to be as exciting and effective as making a visit there in which all the pictures and words in the books become alive.

so despite the crawling near exam, i still make up some time to enjoy myself and spend time with them because i know that i need it, despite the exhaustion that i still struggling hard to recover from yesterday's Explorace organized by my fellow course mates in which they sent us running amok all around Lake Titiwangsa and the residential hostel that i used to reside in. it definitely brought a new meaning and formed a different related memory.

well, life is not bad afterall. i dont have to complicate it by caring less. caring less doesnt mean i doesnt care at all. it's just that there's a whole lot more to it beyond that smudge that make us stop and cry at the so-reckoned unfair life.

Second Chapter

'Sometimes life hits you in the head with a brick. Don't lose faith. I'm convinced that the only things that kept me going was that i love what i did. You've got to find what you love. And that is as true for works as it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. and the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you will know when you find it.' yes, i fervently hope that i will really love what i am going to do in future. again, the same doubts haunting. the minute i rise from my slumber and it goes on till i doze off again. sometimes, i go thru my day as just a routine. just for the sake of living, surviving. a life without expectation, without goal, without motive and driving force. it gets weird when i lost myself, stuck in that moment and have to talk to myself to be a better me instead of dragging just another day, for the sake of living, without any significant achievement.

and my resolution of the year is to just get thru this year without much trials and tribulations. of course they are indispensable part of life but is it too much to pray that they're cut off to it's lowest limits because my fragile self is not able to withstand much pressure and misery from it. to make myself feel better, i actually make myself believe that there's balance in each individual. there are always things to compensate for your lost and of course you have to give in to gain. as i always wish that i could have everything laid out perfect for me and grump at the thought and sight that they have what i have been yearning for, i was blinded because that was only a part of the story. i didn't realize what they missed, what they suffered thru, what they lost because God is great and He makes us equal. you cant have everything at once.

First chapter

'You cant connect the dots looking forward; You can only connect them looking backwards. So, you have to trust that the dots are somehow connect to your future. You have to trust in something, your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. Because believing that the dots will connect down the road will give you the confidence to follow your heart even when it leaves you off the well worn path, and that will make all the difference'. after watching the video playing Steve Job giving a speech on a commencement at Stanford a few years ago, he has instantly became my idol. after all, success doesn't come easily for most of the prominent figures in the world. they had gone thru so much of bitter hardships so what am i compare to them? so, i will learn hard to not to try to connect the dots forward and asking blindly where on earth could these had lead me to. it was always dark pitch cuz it will only lighten if i brace thru it and walk thru the path. i should take things positively cuz nobody's God. nobody knows what the future will bring. instead, i believe that when i look backwards in the future, i will get all the answers that i've been questioning myself incessantly. truth is that i am getting really tired of it because it occupied a major part of my mind, life and i am constantly emotionally and physically drained by it.

i haven't been regularly updating my journal. it's just getting monotonous because every time i feel like inscribing something here, it was always of something melancholy. the wonders, the questions, the thoughts, the same old opinions. i have been procrastinate a lot lately. and today, while i was streaming an episode of House on the net, it happens to be related to a patient who writes blog online of her daily journal. well, she has definitely went off the boundaries that i set for myself. she wrote almost every little details of her life, the conversation and so on. well, that's all on her free wills to do that. i just choose to write on important things that came across my mind. my sudden thoughts, opinions and feeling, like my 'First Chapter' at this particular moment. A couple of weeks ago, i was trying to get back home and it turned vain, twice. Twice. what does that indicate? of course i did feel frustrated, angst and i did cry out, in silence. and it was painful. after i cant reach my Mum, i rang Papa instead. that's when the tears came. and we talked a lot that time. i put different parties to be blamed for the sudden change of timetable that ruined my plan. but what difference does it make. the best is to just take it as a lesson and i will not question it anymore. till yesterday, i finally realize that the sudden urge to go back and the incept that i have to go back for the 'extended' weekend is because my father's having his 50th birthday. but at the end, i totally forgot about it. and that's how i connect the dots backwards. for the subtly obscure events that took place. it happened for a reason.

ubiquitous

something definitely turns me on today. ever since i came back from classes, i have been waiting for the call by woon. i didn't get to meet her often during the semester break and i know that there's a lot that we should update each other. well, we could have do chatting every time we go online or skype but those can't compete with the anticipation of getting the free call/s on birthday! it has became a tradition. okay. be matured. duh.

then, i rang my mum and i knew i sound so excited on the phone. i cant explain the excitement that i felt. it's just a birth day after all but whatever. i am really happy! but the conversation is basically about what to expect during the clinical year after i had a long hour chatting with my dear buddy. it seems very fun and challenging because it involves more practical works and we finally get to see real patients and run tests on them. nonetheless, there's definitely more stressful because there's a lot to cover from the theory parts. gah. i hate theory exam!

one of my housemate's sister came over for a sojourn today. i am just too envy of their relationship! they are like sisters/twins/best friends/soul mates/whatever there is that paired and happy and complemented each other! i have so much of regrets in my life and i know that i will never ever be able to forgive myself and let it go no matter how hard i try. i have missed out so much about being a confident teenager, being a bubbly sister and most importantly, a happier self. so, this is me, swallowing my regrets, reminiscing all the good old days. and i can never go back to december all the time. i always wonder if they are aware and alert of how depressed i am and how i am terribly haunted by it every ticking seconds i am awake and aware of that missing pieces.

beautiful like you

Everybody wants to look into the mirror
And feel a little better now

And everybody wants to know there's someone out there
Waiting for you to come around

And I wish that you could feel it
But you don't choose to believe it
Cause I know that you can't see it that way

If you could only just stop stop stop running
If you could only take a second to breathe it in
Everything that you know would be beautiful, like you
You know they're never gonna stop stop stop your love
Let's pretend that the world is waking up
Everything that we see is beautiful, like you.

Everybody wants to tell someone their secrets
Why don't you tell me now?

Well, maybe I can fix this
Then I don't want you to miss this
And the sun is raining down

If you could only just stop stop stop running
If you could only take a second to breathe it in
Everything that you know would be beautiful, like you
You know they're never gonna stop stop stop your love
Let's pretend that the world is waking up
Everything that we see is beautiful, like you

Sometimes it's hard to be yourself in this crazy world
Sometimes it's hard to breathe

Everybody wants to know there's someone out there
Waiting for you to come around

If you could only just stop stop stop running
If you could only take a second to breathe it in
Everything that you know would be beautiful, like you
You know they're never gonna stop stop stop your love
Let's pretend that the world is waking up
Everything that we see can be beautiful, Like you

i could totally relate to the song! i remember gluing my eyes in front of the idiot box (last year, if i'm not mistaken) watching the american idol finale 2010. deep down my heart, i was praying that Crystal could win it. first, because she's a woman. and i totally sympathize her unfortunate difficulties, struggling as a single mum and stuffs. besides, she could really sing. and i was emotionally touched listening to her singing especially Up to the mountain. (actually have to YouTube this, i just remember something with the mountain) nonetheless, Americans vote for Lee Dewyne. and he has finally get to have his dreams come true and it was totally a life-changing experience. creating his name in the music industry and making money now while enjoying singing. and now, i am totally in love with this song - Beautiful Like You! i am happy for his success and hopefully he can go further.

it's been two years since Michael Jackson passed away. been listening to the radio since afternoon and they're playing his music all day long which bring back a few memories. on the other hand, i knew that on this particular exact date two years ago while i was doing my matriculation, my friend was enduring the most unforgettable day of her life. and dying totally changes everything. do cherish your loved ones. =)

mobile

everything's changing when i turn around, all out of my control i'm a mobile.

almost 20 years of my life has been spent on planet earth. reaching the beginning of second decade, i always wish that i have always has something that i am good at and good with. so that i could carry it on with the rest of my life. something significant. a talent or a beauty or a fortune or a heart or a mind that distinguish me from others. and at the end, i find myself going back to my root. i am proud as someone's daughter. wouldn't trade it for the world.

not sure since when do i begin to keep a distance from people. every close relationship that i have with once the strangers is becoming just a memorable history. i am aware of the distance that i am trying to keep. wouldn't take a glance looking back at how much i have left them behind and just looking forward as a lone wolf. it's so weird that the more i spent time with people, the more uncomfortable i get for having to doubt the sincerity. aware of the awkwardness and the odd stare i get from the eyes. i dont like to explain myself very much for every decision and every step that i make. it's just that i dont have much faith in others and i lack self confident. what is the price of trustworthy? maybe i am the one being sensitive about certain issues in which i always resolve to acting dumb and paying ignorance. therefore, i would love to apologize if ever i have disappoint anyone for my insensitivity. people dont need to understand me and i dont yearn for their understanding too.

as for my second year as a second year medical student, i am currently staying in an apartment with my other 6 housemates. things could be really crazy at times. it's like living in a big family. it's like everyday is a celebration season in which there's cheers and stuffs. sometimes, the feeling they give me is more than what i have experienced with my own family. at home, the ambience is more towards serenity, comfort and contentment. on the other hand, here, there are more laughters, louder and togetherness. it's not as if i am not happy at home. it's just different kind of happiness. and somehow i wonder whether i could take a little of here and there and make up my own ideal family. and i am thankful for the privacy i could have for living in this single room. the freedom of typing, singing and listening to myself. yes. it sounds contradicting from keeping a distance with people/friends and starting to bond with my fellow housemates/friends. maybe because i did not put in too much feeling and the sensitivity that i scared one day they would break it apart.

wish i never grow up

i am about to make a bigger and bolder step as a second year medical student. i don't really like the sound of second year and medical student bring together. i mean, as a first year, especially at the beginning i do know what i want. yes. this is hypocrite me.

after one long halt, i am not either physically or mentally ready to continue. i thought it was a high time to spend some time and spare some thoughts on my future. i thought that i would have to go thru a thorough process of awakening; that i am able to let go and take things as it come. nonetheless, i know that i have failed and all i do is to escape from reality and wasting time living in my own fantasy and comfort zone. i know that i will not be ever ready. i am just a loser who loves to whine constantly about my life without given much of token of appreciation. truth is, nobody really knows what i have gone thru and what would be waiting throughout my journey of discovery.

i yearn to be a better person. meeting with people from different walks of life do give a great motivation to me. i learn that most of them have unique and special talent or maybe interest that they are passionate about. and i can somehow see the variety colour in their lives. some indulge in music, writing, singing, sports and they do have a quality social life that i somehow wish i could be a part of those. knowing myself as a lone ranger who prefer to spare time to myself yet not to make the best out of it, it pains to know that all that is left of me is the thinking instead of actions. i do have many things to do about my life. to improve my life so that i have multiple skills and talent instead of being just a commoner and ordinarily ordinary.

sure there's a tinge of jealousy to know that people actually enjoys a better life than i do. and I am the one to decide what's 'better'. how do i know ? who am i to decide ?

things change as we grow. and as for me, it just changes a whole lot more recently. speaking of adulthood. it is equalized to responsibility that ones have to carry. parents and ourselves sure expect us to know how to take responsibility to our own doings and to be able to take care of ourselves. moreover, they expect us to think maturely, like an adult who knows how to fence for himself.

and for the umpteenth time, i am insisting that i don't want to grow up.

as for today, i am actually experiencing a mixed feelings that i never feel before. you can name it alphabetically and i have it all. too much to handle and i find it best to resort to blogging. and i am uncomfortably numb by all these. i know much more is coming ranging from family, academic and friendship. thought the world is going to end on you-know-the-date as a part of me kind of fed up and exasperated with my not clearly define with purposeless life. and it seems to move on and the world continue to spin.

i am just too tired at this point.