Note to myself

i am having a bad day today. sleepless night for no particular reasons probably for the fear that i am going for classes with blank mind and sickening mood. this is unhealthy. this is so wrong.

i didn't speak a word at all during the last pbl session for second module and i think i just got myself in trouble by not scoring anything because i could see that the fasilitator was scribbing things down and i know that she was making a tick or whatever it is for those contribute and i think i dont get a tick. i just sat rooted to the chair because i got the whole things wrong. my prepared answers did not answer to the questions given. i was cursing, at myself. i felt so bad and disappointed with myself again.

serious. what had gone wrong with myself? my studies is disastrous now. i do not even know how to fix everything up and i do not even know if ever i will ever get back on the right track. my life is a mess now. i used to be so hardworking then. what had gone wrong with that? where is that 'diligence' in me? long gone. goodbye.

i have been feeling uneasy about myself since i-dont-know-when. it's pretty hard to keep track with my irregular mood swing. i have different feeling about myself every single minute. however, i am so grateful and thankful to know that i am still comfortable with my character with my friend that i have been missing recently. it's like magical. it feels as if everything's okay even when it's not. though, sometimes i wish i am Edward. nonetheless, ignorance is a bliss. see, i am doing that again.

okay. Dear H,

from now on, you have to strive in scoring for your second module exam. education is important. some more, you are doing medicine. you dont want to be an ignorant, indifference, dumb medical student.

whatever that happen, God must have His plan for you. And for those coming events, need not to worry because He must have something greater and better for you. You just have to live through your life, happily everyday. take time to dwell in your own fetish/obsession but make sure you get your studies properly managed. what happen to your dream to become a qualified doctor that want to serve for the community with your own effort and interest? this spirit should not die out but to be enhanced and enlightened every single day. you have to remind yourself on that. (i have so many things pooping out. gee. i think i am s stressed out. gee. this is unhealthy.)

be good everyday. be nice. be humble. be happy. be yourself. do what you do, just keep on laughing. there is always a brand new day. do not let insignificant things to affect yourself please. you are mature enough to think of what to be put as priority. do not be lazy. do not think so much of the dissolve mystery and unanswerable questions. you are no Edward. do think of your dream. medicine. yes. this is what you choose. and you should have no regret although there are times when you faced with those inexplainable, insane stuffs to take note. it is important. just do your best. take joy in learning.

oh hell yeah. i should be reading this note to myself everyday.

the beginning

well. i seriously have no idea on where to start; everything. my studies, my life, my routine.

Brother sent me back to residential college in the afternoon. we went shopping for a printer before that though. it's so awkward. i could feel the tense with him around. it's kind of hard for us to communicate because we havent have any of decent, easy-going conversations for years. duh. nonetheless, i am very grateful and enjoy his company. i always think of my Brother as someone awesome and handsome. he knew the ways around and helped me set up everything and i just feel so blessed. it's enough for me i guess.

Gee. i miss home. i miss Mother. i miss Father. i didn't even feel any sadness when they left a couple of days ago because i was like so darn sleepy and i believe that somewhere down my heart, i was whispering that they should have left faster because i so want to get to bed after the goodbye and all. gee. what was i doing? now, i miss them dearly. is it because i am already used to the life here, left abandon, independent and all? i remember that i cried so hard when i was about to left for university. maybe, my tears reservoir had dried up since then.

i have so much of things in my mind. i dont know how to begin everything again. my life. my life as a blur, ignorant medical student. i wonder how should i face the people around me. wy do i have an odd feeling that people see through my soul. it's so freaking scary. it's like i did something wrong and they knew every single bit of it. gee. what was i thinking.

2 weeks. 2 months. is all it takes to turn my life an upside-down. i dont even want to know who i am anymore.

farewell

today went out for Yunlin's farewell dinner.

gee. friends were giving intense comments on how i have made a swift change in myself that i do notice too. nah. i think it's always inside me but i keep this side of me to my family because i am having a hard time to be what i am when i am with them. i used to be so quiet and submissive at school and occasionally talked on things that i like. i love talking on things that i am obsessed with. and some were saying i am in love. gee. yeah. i am so in love with my life!

however, i am pretty absurd seeing them surprised. is it a good thing or a bad thing to see me like this. i am just trying to savour whatever there is and make life at its best. laughing out loud, joking around, crapping around and living life. i dont want a mundane, dull life.

thus, i think i like the way i am now. and i dont even want to give a damn on their opinions because i am living my life.

talked a lot with Father on the car. and i was telling him i am just so happy with my life. there are stressful moments too but i am making everything to flow on smoothly and living my life carefree-ly. my Father understands me so well and i love him so much. thank you Pup. i love you.

when i am old

yesterday went to visit my grandmother and my only great grandfather.

i am happy seeing my family because everyone is in the pink of health and happy and there are kids all over the place and i seriously love bullying them and playing around with them especially TimMeng and her newly born sister, QingLin. when i first laid my eyes on her, OMG was the first few words i uttered. she's so pretty and tiny and i need to hold her in my arm. and yeah, she's so light! TimMeng is still very cute like always and i love talking to him! Grandmother is still so my Ah Ma. bold, tough, hardworking, funny and i just really love her! though she could be irritating in he sense that she's handling things the way i disapprove of but she knows the best.

it's a sight of amazement and divineness seeing babies because they are gifts from God. i feel so much of blessed. my life is perfect somehow excluding the emoness though i perceive that emoness adds in to the perfectionism of my current life still for an unknown reason.

then, before we departed, we went to visit my great grandfather. my heart trembled. my great granpa has to use a cane now to assist in his movement. i braced myself and talked to him when we were left alone. i am a changed man now. i know that previously i do not even know how to communicate with an olderly. what a shame. he's my only living great grandfather some more. so, we talked. and i hurt. i could feel tears brimming in the eyes and a lump too large to swallow but i braced myself.

i think he is a lonely man now. what was he like in his younger days? my great grandmother had passed away a couple of years back and how does he feel? what about his children? what about his grandchildren? what about his great grandchildren? everyone has got their own life to live and so do i. what about him? his life is pretty much mundane like what old folks typically do. sitting long hours alone at the corner and with their mind wandering nowhere. it pains me to see him and it pains me to imagine myself living sucha life because i now enjoyed a bubbly, lively life. there are so much more things to do and achieve. life can be long but planning is the only constraint.

i pray that he is happy everyday and the days left are filled with no regrets. Great grandmother should be there soon and it is just a matter of time. i do nothing to help. i care. i do care but who am i again.

silence

when nights fall, silence comes. there has been a discouraging silence since a very long time ago and i am used to it. what does being home signifies to me?

i am trying to savour in whatever home has at its best. everything is so great though i feel like i am spending more time on staring at the computer screen more than anything and anyone else. what has gone to my promise on nice warm conversations with my family? i know that i have got a lot to say and tell but everything's so blank now.

was helping my mother at the kitchen yesterday morning. and the later evening, we went for a stroll at the mall. i know that i am still me because i was literally jumping and running around. i am still me because i could talk and crap a lot and laugh a hell lot but when times come to my own moment, i totally restricted myself from having any contacts. i like to be alone sometimes yet i could be reactivate the next moment.

i believe that i am keeping too many things deep down inside that it doesn't fit to blog it out here. i am not sure whether i need to reminiscence it in my later life. it is something quite hurtful. and i know that i am selfish. i dont even know what i want best. i dont even know if my life is organized now. i dont even know a lot of things and i want to have a solid confirmed answer. anyone answering my calling? things have been bugging me and it's no good things. i so want to cry but it doesn't worth it. i just feel like bursting out loud because it's really annoying. i have so much of doubts. i have so much of pain. i have so much of uncertainty. i have so much of many others mind-boggling, flummoxed thoughts and feelings.

that's why i am putting on a smile everyday. that's why i need to laugh out loud everyday. i dont want to endure sad, sorrowful days and realizing that i have been wasting minutes and days saddening over unimportant things in which i have got of paramount importance things to ponder upon. i am thinking too much these days. i seriously need a break from some degree of surrealism.

today was a fairy tale

today was totally awesome. i am finally home after two months away from home which felt more like two years' time.

though, the waiting hours at the airport feel like eternity and there was a little chaos while waiting for brother to come as he was stuck in a heavy traffic jam, everything turned out well at the end of the day. talked a lot with brother today. yay! i love talking.

i met up with Huikhing at the airport and she totally saved the day because i know nothing about boarding airplane and so on so forth and she was there to help me all along. feeling so much of gratitude to her.

it's so nice knowing that there are people actually care about me. yay!

i am still listening to Justin. gee. love the songs so much.

missed

i was so surprised seeing my Mum commenting on my photo sating that i have changed a lot. yeah right. what sort of changes eh? is it a good or bad one?

i have been real close to my Mum and ever since she signed up for a Facebook account, i have become more addicted to it. i want my Mother to know me. oh well. it is a social networking site. i am so exuberant and excited everyday to see whether she's going to go online and leave some comments or messages and stuffs. and surprisingly, Mum admitted that she's addicted to it too. oh yay! i love you Mummy! that really brings a laugh to me.

i am so open minded on her sharing a part of my youthful life. yes.i do want her to be a part of it. let her know that i am really happy and that let her to experience the joy of becoming a young teen again. and i think she is one happy Mother. i dont want her to become bored. i dont want to let the distance torn us apart though absence does make the heart grow fonder.

it is so odd. i have been making calls everyday home. somehow, facebook commenting and messaging and stuffs bond us closer.

i want to go home. i need to get on with my studies. and i miss everyone home.