Life like this

i stumbled across my cousin's profile on Facebook. She is among the most beautiful person i am related to and i sometimes do wish that we share the same genes. Nevermind the latter. i am happy just the way i am!

So, she is an airstewardess. there were like hundreds of photos she's taken and there were like in London, Shanghai, New Zealand, Greece, Paris, Milan and many more. She must had travelled around the world and i kind of envy her and i want a life like that. Among my top list would be, to travel around the world. i believe that she earns a handsome salary too.

You see, some people don't have to be supergenius to get to enjoy life. Some people are just so lucky and don't have to slog through so many hardships and they get to enjoy life to the fullest. Some people are destined to be just so lucky and admirable. Some people but not me.

Not that i am blaming or cursing, i like the way it works out to be. it wasn't a novelty anymore and i have to accept this is my fate. i think that it was long set that i am to be what i am today. No natural beauty or sort and so i have to work to my utmost energy to survive. i don't have particular skills like sports, musical, arts and so on. I guess that i am to be categorised as the work-hard-to-get-a-decent-preferably-coveted-slash-prestigious-degree kind and run from agency and agency, company and company, organisation and organisation to look for my desirable and high-income and most-importantly a job that make me enthusiastic 24/7 and genuinely interested in. it should be my career, my world, my life. Oh, i missed out. it was supposed to be them running for me not the other way round.

Life like this. Hate it or like it. Enjoy every moment of it because we just live once. i believe in reincarnation though still, as a Me now, i just live once. Whatever i do, did and about to do would be judged and then in the next life, i am not going to be borned a Me i am now but someone different. The kind of life i will live like the born in the silver spoon kind would depend on my acts and i would have to pay the consequences for all the bads which lead to the slummy kind. And i like to believe that for all of the people i have come across in this lifetime, they are all one way or another related to me in the previous life. It's like a cycle. i am here to repay, to be rewarded and also the reverse.

Everyday, i was struggling hard to tell myself to be a Good Samaritan. To be good and kind to people and all that must develop from the abyss of my sincere heart. i must want to be kind to people, not because i want a redemption but because it pleases God and it makes me feel good about myself. And it makes me have a good night sleep. It was hard and scary to carry on a mask and learning that how bitchy i am for being a hypocrite. i would love to see the world as everything that goes around is beautiful and nothing is of vicious deed and attempt. i have to convince myself that eveyone is sincere for their good cause towards me and i should have receive it with a warm smile and a grateful heart instead what i do is doubting and criticising. Even if it was like they are actually taking advantages from me, i should keep it cool and accept it with a grateful heart because Hey i am actually “someone” that's worth to be taken advantages of.

Can i do that?

*&^%$#@!

i'm going to have Mathematics quiz tomorrow. Speaking of Maths, for two whole consecutive semesters, i kept on getting lecturers that didn't teach like of my expectation. i want a professional, experience teacher (like Mr Chua) , a great, outstanding, a teacher that could actully make me pay full respect because of the enthusaism and most importantly, he or she is qualified and knows Mathematics like fish out of water and could answer every questions in like a snap. Sadly, the opposite happenend and i think that i am just so lucky that i cold still score and manage Maths although i'd faced so much complications. i am still hoping that i could really figure Mathematics out someday.

i was talking to my sisiter in the evening and surprisingly, i felt a heavy lump in my throat and i could feel the tears at the brink of my tear ducts. it was hard. then, when it was like hitting something that i like, it keeps me so enthusiastic that i was hoping around. Di said she found an article of Avril and the Alice in the wonderand things in the magazine or sort. Then, i like to annoy her. i did it out of fun, not bothering about how upset she would be. it's just so fun to hear her sigh, screaming around and then come come to reality again reckoning it doesn't really matter to her.

i do miss Huidi. She could really have been my bestest friends around but there is a nine years gap there. i didn't expect her to think as i am because i believe that i could tolerate with that and be more of childish like pretending to have a mind like a kid. Sometimes, i am more of immature than her. i would stomp around and love to with my parents. There are times however that i wish she was more like me. i could not be a best friend to her and vice versa because sometimes i think that she doesn't understand things and didn't see things like i do because she's stil a child and haven't grow enough to see more of the world would bring. i couldn't talk to her about feelings, love, dream, ambition, sorrow and stuffs. i wish that she could grow fast.

it kind of make me feel remorse and bad about myself. i realise that our relationship has improved over the years and i love her more than words can say. i can't wait to go back home and play with her, play along with her. i could imagine how vicious i was in my younger days. i didn't want to left an image of a bad big sister in Huidi as she's growing up. i would say that she adores me but she would love my brother more because my brother's more caring and loving than i am and i think he has never raise voices over her.

So, if Huidi's seeing this in the next 10 years or so, i am confessing that i am sorry for everything and i love you always.