i always saw him on the college vicinity. Working so diligently, as a gardener, i supposed, caring for the plants and all. Then there was another day where i saw him sitting on the five foot way, having his brunch with the oh so little content. i peeked through and thinking, i am so lucky.
i always want to give thanks to all the college workers, the cleaners, the gardeners, the sweepers and the cafe workers. i noticed that they are all very dedicated to their works because the toilets and washrooms are always cleaned up giving a pleasant sight and smell. The college compound are so beautifully trimmed up giving a serene and tranquil environment for us to study. The walkway, tutor rooms, lecture halls and everywhere else are tidy and clean, leaving a total pleasant sight and condition to have a tour around, to study and everything. And i always whisper thank you only to be left dissapointed because they didn't seem to hear me. i want to let them know how much i appreciate everything they had done so that they didn't feel inferior and shy and pessimist but continue to contribute for us. i am very grateful indeed.
Then, i saw him again today. it was a different story.
i was waiting for my drinks to be served at Bistro and then he came to buy his lunch, bread with nugget costing RM1.20. He nodded and the cashier decently placed the 'luxurious' lunch in a plastic bag. He pulled out the 1 ringgit note from his worn out purse and gave it to the cashier. But, there is another 20 sen left. He explored the purse and shaked his head. At this sight, i was moving inside. i opened up my purse and pulled out my 1 ringgit note. The cashier acknowledged it. She gave the bread a go to the gardener and returned my 80 sen. He left.
i could feel my eyes wet and tears almost dropped, only i was stubborned enough to let it stirred at the corners and then i swallowed hard.
The more i think about it, the more it pain me. i felt sinful, sad and frustrated.
it was such a great feeling to help people. this was learn from the book through the line. i on the other hand was inexplainably upset and mad, with myself. Throughout my past 19 years, i couldn't even remember when was the last time i truly enjoy such a great pleasure of helping the others and was trully overwhelmed by it. Maybe something was wrong then. The refusal of going for blood donations still pain me. And the once and only visit to the old folk's home didn't even left such a great impact. But just now, i was so sad, furious yet a little relieve. i was relieved that he had something to fill his stomach. i was upset and livid because the feeling of helping people of the unfornates have been such a vague memory that i knew today was the first time i was moved and i feel like crying for helping the others. i want to help, i want to care and i want to love, in all of those which are within my capability. A 20 sen coin. i could give away so many 20 sen a day but i didn't sign up for another donation or all. it passed through my mind but i reckoned that wasn't hw the way i want to help. Today, the 20 sen. i finally found a genuine, sincere, correct way to help.it changed my day, it changed my mood.
Today was actually the last day on school because we have another week before the final exam. Then, we are off to pack home, happily. i knew that some are crying their lungs out because they'e leaving their friends and all to move ahead in the future. i, on the other hand, not having a slight of sadness because i am finally going home. i just can't wait to leave here. And i thought today was about to be my second happiest day, the first happiest day would be on the April 14th. But i was wrong.
i had a reflection of myself. i knew that i haven't help enough and i yearned for more. i want to do all the little things for the people around, no matter who they are but especially those less fortunate. i know that i am one of the fortunate ones and there are still many more of the less fortunates. i just want to help and make their day. All all the help should come spontaneously, not like signing up donation for particular charity organization but those that come across every single day throughout the years that come so naturally and you just have to take the oppurtunity and do your part.
it's totally fine that he didn't thank me and didn't even look at me on my way. i am scared to death to let him see all those guilt written on my face and most importantly i didn't want to let him feel like he is of inferior. Most importantly, i am not good with people. i am the one who should thank him for making me realise how callous and vicious i am all this while. Inscribing this down so that this memory will live forever.
i am so touched today. it as such a great reflection. i repent. this is the thing about life. the purpose of life that we live in.
i don't know why but i still feel tears.
Friday, March 26, 1:46 p.m.
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