If you can hear me. i want you to know how sad i am to know that i am not able to help you in overcoming your adversities. i know that i am capable of lending a helping hand, i'd like to make myself believe in that but the painful barrier is such a great hinderance.
It was upsetting and i am fairly disappointed in myself because of all these years, if only i could turn the clock around, then how would everything turn out to be? Definitely the best years of my life and i don't have to agonise over so many heartache years thinking of the supposed-to-be.
If you can hear me, i want you to know that i do care. i want to help and i want to be a part of all your sadness and dismay. i want to be a piece of everything you're in because i do care. There aren't so many people in my life that i could relate to but you are among the closest i have.
Since young, we have been together and looking through the past of our childhood years which had permanently captured in those valuable albums, i do love you a lot. i like it on every single thing that you do with me, to me. We played, we laughed, we cried, we argued and we talked. i do really realy miss the younger Huiting who was such a bubbly, happy-living, world luckiest sister ever and the feeling of belonging, protective and all just faded as i grown. We are together in every pictures, a chubby me and a very smart, handsome cute little boy standing next to me. There was me on the bicycle clasping your lumbar and you're the rider, so much confident. We posed as Ultraman, a character that we used to like a lot. And there was also Power Rangers series that we never missed a show but glued our eyes to the square box fantasizing ourselves being one of the characters and trying to save the world because they have been such great role model. There was Lego, Lion Dance, Flood memories, and much more that i never want to forget. i would love to have a photographic memories though it would be sad to have those indelible painful remarks but at the same time, i would rememebered well those great moments of our siblinghood. it pains me that you're gone.
Mum once told me that i used to bully you in my younger days, that i used to belittle you because i know that you will give up and i will win the fight every time. So, she reckoned that you're now on your revenge. i do not believe in that but i would say that we have changed for no particular reason but with my own stupid unpardonable move or more accurately words in this worst case scenario. Words that destroyed my life.
i want to share everyhing with you and i hope you will do the same. i just want someone close to talk to, someone who used to love me, someone who used to protect me, someone who used to care for me, someone who used to be with me. Someone has gone and i am alone. There isn;t anyone else that i trust that much and close to, not even my bestest friend, if i ever have one. And how i want you so desperately back in my life as the one i used to remember in my younger life.
i pray that you will eventually get through everything and live happily because it was such a mutual feeling. i pray that we will be us again. i pray that God know the best, for all. i pray for you eternal happiness.
this feeling is so strong recently that it struck me how i get through everyting throughout those lost years. it definitely wasn't easy, especially mentally. i wonder how much longer i will hold on to this. i know that the tear reservoir has run dried yet my heart never failed to tangle up like a mass of dried prune. i miss you, it hurt.
Monday, March 22, 9:45 p.m.
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