Another Day

Another day almost past. i feel like writing because i am going to have English paper so this piece would serve as an exercise for me for better brainstorming and fluency in writing later.

Today was the Earth Hour. i didn't take part. i mean i didn't volunteer myself to switch off the lights, electric or anything because i believe that it just doesn't work that way, for me. Nonetheless, with the integration of half of the population, it would be fabulous. i wasn't one of them because i think that it shouldn't be set for just a date, one particular hour that i start to feel all bad about the Earth is dying and take an approach to switch off the electricity for on especific hour because everyone is doing so. it should be always keep in my mind that i need to conserve energy, i need to care, i need to be wise, i need to save up as much as possible. One hour. What if the other days turn the other way round? What if the other days are wasted for uncountable of energy, resources? What does it means to turn off for that 1 particular hour? why not make it one lifetime, by keeping the mind sensible and be responsible for one lifetime, not just one particular day, one particular hour.

It is undeniable that one day, the earth is going to be doomed. it's imminent.

Another day almost past. i have been feeling so tired lately. i have a severe headache. i wasn't sure whether it's me thinking that i have a headache or i did really have it. Physcology. i want to get a paracetamol and let it kicked in and ease my pain but i reckoned it's not good since i am not really in a real sickness. i guess my mind is just playing a trick on me. Stress. So, i resorted to indulge in caffeine which i have restricted myself to not consume during this vital study week and i failed terribly. Caffeine is the best remedy ever. i thought that i have become immune to caffeine that i only take it daily previously just to satisfy my lust but apparently, it did work. it keep my mind fresh, i feel energetic, i feel great about myself. i didn't feel wrecked up anymore after one dose this afternoon and good to go. Oh great. i am a severe addict. Addiction is always painful.

Talk to Pup, talk to Grandma. And i was very exuberantly excited about everything. i mean the going home part only. the study week and the exam week is such a torment. i wish that i will not have toendre it like i don't eed to have a memory of it, i don't need to have a moment in it and i could travel to the future, particularly 14th April, inside my father's car, dozing. Sigh. Then i will i ever know that i have strived very hard for my final? Then, will i ever know that if i am to fail, it's because i have lost my study week moments?

Dear God, i pray for all the goodness.

i always think of Buddhism as a teaching. it wasn't really about bowing to Buddha or burning the incessent to The God, Goddess and all. It was at some point, it's like a culture, a tradition. i believe that They do exist, just make a visit to the temple on one particular celebration of the births or other big events and witness the incredibly, unbelievable act of short incarnation of the God/s. and i believe in praying. Staying here, i don't feel right all the time because i haven't done my praying, typically by burning the incessent. Then, i reckoned that i could learn of a new way, i only need a sincere heart and will. So, every night, i pray inside my heart before falling into a deep slumber. i wasn't to blame or to critic but i wish that i could learn mmore of a proper way of praying. i know that praying is important because it gives a sense of secure, it gives a sense of great pleasure and it pulled me from my lost moments. Then, i also would do some chanting and praying when i was scared or facing any adversities for confidence, for assurance that everything is going to be fine. And so far, it works.

So, even if i didn't frequent temple, even if i didn't perform my prayer properly, i believe that what matter most is i have the intention, i have the genuine heart to do so. And i always remember where i am, where i come from and what lay ahead. It's the figure in my heart and mind and sould that matter.

Saturday, 27 March, 1122 p.m.

20 sen story

i always saw him on the college vicinity. Working so diligently, as a gardener, i supposed, caring for the plants and all. Then there was another day where i saw him sitting on the five foot way, having his brunch with the oh so little content. i peeked through and thinking, i am so lucky.

i always want to give thanks to all the college workers, the cleaners, the gardeners, the sweepers and the cafe workers. i noticed that they are all very dedicated to their works because the toilets and washrooms are always cleaned up giving a pleasant sight and smell. The college compound are so beautifully trimmed up giving a serene and tranquil environment for us to study. The walkway, tutor rooms, lecture halls and everywhere else are tidy and clean, leaving a total pleasant sight and condition to have a tour around, to study and everything. And i always whisper thank you only to be left dissapointed because they didn't seem to hear me. i want to let them know how much i appreciate everything they had done so that they didn't feel inferior and shy and pessimist but continue to contribute for us. i am very grateful indeed.

Then, i saw him again today. it was a different story.

i was waiting for my drinks to be served at Bistro and then he came to buy his lunch, bread with nugget costing RM1.20. He nodded and the cashier decently placed the 'luxurious' lunch in a plastic bag. He pulled out the 1 ringgit note from his worn out purse and gave it to the cashier. But, there is another 20 sen left. He explored the purse and shaked his head. At this sight, i was moving inside. i opened up my purse and pulled out my 1 ringgit note. The cashier acknowledged it. She gave the bread a go to the gardener and returned my 80 sen. He left.

i could feel my eyes wet and tears almost dropped, only i was stubborned enough to let it stirred at the corners and then i swallowed hard.

The more i think about it, the more it pain me. i felt sinful, sad and frustrated.

it was such a great feeling to help people. this was learn from the book through the line. i on the other hand was inexplainably upset and mad, with myself. Throughout my past 19 years, i couldn't even remember when was the last time i truly enjoy such a great pleasure of helping the others and was trully overwhelmed by it. Maybe something was wrong then. The refusal of going for blood donations still pain me. And the once and only visit to the old folk's home didn't even left such a great impact. But just now, i was so sad, furious yet a little relieve. i was relieved that he had something to fill his stomach. i was upset and livid because the feeling of helping people of the unfornates have been such a vague memory that i knew today was the first time i was moved and i feel like crying for helping the others. i want to help, i want to care and i want to love, in all of those which are within my capability. A 20 sen coin. i could give away so many 20 sen a day but i didn't sign up for another donation or all. it passed through my mind but i reckoned that wasn't hw the way i want to help. Today, the 20 sen. i finally found a genuine, sincere, correct way to help.it changed my day, it changed my mood.

Today was actually the last day on school because we have another week before the final exam. Then, we are off to pack home, happily. i knew that some are crying their lungs out because they'e leaving their friends and all to move ahead in the future. i, on the other hand, not having a slight of sadness because i am finally going home. i just can't wait to leave here. And i thought today was about to be my second happiest day, the first happiest day would be on the April 14th. But i was wrong.

i had a reflection of myself. i knew that i haven't help enough and i yearned for more. i want to do all the little things for the people around, no matter who they are but especially those less fortunate. i know that i am one of the fortunate ones and there are still many more of the less fortunates. i just want to help and make their day. All all the help should come spontaneously, not like signing up donation for particular charity organization but those that come across every single day throughout the years that come so naturally and you just have to take the oppurtunity and do your part.

it's totally fine that he didn't thank me and didn't even look at me on my way. i am scared to death to let him see all those guilt written on my face and most importantly i didn't want to let him feel like he is of inferior. Most importantly, i am not good with people. i am the one who should thank him for making me realise how callous and vicious i am all this while. Inscribing this down so that this memory will live forever.

i am so touched today. it as such a great reflection. i repent. this is the thing about life. the purpose of life that we live in.

i don't know why but i still feel tears.

Friday, March 26, 1:46 p.m.

Dear Brother

If you can hear me. i want you to know how sad i am to know that i am not able to help you in overcoming your adversities. i know that i am capable of lending a helping hand, i'd like to make myself believe in that but the painful barrier is such a great hinderance.

It was upsetting and i am fairly disappointed in myself because of all these years, if only i could turn the clock around, then how would everything turn out to be? Definitely the best years of my life and i don't have to agonise over so many heartache years thinking of the supposed-to-be.

If you can hear me, i want you to know that i do care. i want to help and i want to be a part of all your sadness and dismay. i want to be a piece of everything you're in because i do care. There aren't so many people in my life that i could relate to but you are among the closest i have.

Since young, we have been together and looking through the past of our childhood years which had permanently captured in those valuable albums, i do love you a lot. i like it on every single thing that you do with me, to me. We played, we laughed, we cried, we argued and we talked. i do really realy miss the younger Huiting who was such a bubbly, happy-living, world luckiest sister ever and the feeling of belonging, protective and all just faded as i grown. We are together in every pictures, a chubby me and a very smart, handsome cute little boy standing next to me. There was me on the bicycle clasping your lumbar and you're the rider, so much confident. We posed as Ultraman, a character that we used to like a lot. And there was also Power Rangers series that we never missed a show but glued our eyes to the square box fantasizing ourselves being one of the characters and trying to save the world because they have been such great role model. There was Lego, Lion Dance, Flood memories, and much more that i never want to forget. i would love to have a photographic memories though it would be sad to have those indelible painful remarks but at the same time, i would rememebered well those great moments of our siblinghood. it pains me that you're gone.

Mum once told me that i used to bully you in my younger days, that i used to belittle you because i know that you will give up and i will win the fight every time. So, she reckoned that you're now on your revenge. i do not believe in that but i would say that we have changed for no particular reason but with my own stupid unpardonable move or more accurately words in this worst case scenario. Words that destroyed my life.

i want to share everyhing with you and i hope you will do the same. i just want someone close to talk to, someone who used to love me, someone who used to protect me, someone who used to care for me, someone who used to be with me. Someone has gone and i am alone. There isn;t anyone else that i trust that much and close to, not even my bestest friend, if i ever have one. And how i want you so desperately back in my life as the one i used to remember in my younger life.

i pray that you will eventually get through everything and live happily because it was such a mutual feeling. i pray that we will be us again. i pray that God know the best, for all. i pray for you eternal happiness.

this feeling is so strong recently that it struck me how i get through everyting throughout those lost years. it definitely wasn't easy, especially mentally. i wonder how much longer i will hold on to this. i know that the tear reservoir has run dried yet my heart never failed to tangle up like a mass of dried prune. i miss you, it hurt.

Monday, March 22, 9:45 p.m.

There is only lesson

The past few days have been a great turmoil for me. i wasn't sure what the hell get hold of me that kept me distracted and so i did badly in the recent test that i was supposed to be okay with. It meant that the study the previous day and hours and minutes were completely vain. i was so disappointed with myself because i presumed i have confidence in myself but actually, i was merely an ignorant imp.

it took days to recover. Nonetheless, i stil couldn't forgive myself for such a stupid unpardonable mistakes i had made. it was so stuck up in my head. Perhaps, it served as a good reminder for me to strive harder and to be meticulous, and to be cautious and to never make a fool of myself again. It served as a great lesson for me in future, to be humble, to pay attention and most importantly, to get enough study and information. i promise to take this terrible blunder as a stepping stone to be more competent and skillful in presenting my answer.

i just couldn't forgive myself! it fear me that i might let my teacher down and it was a humiliation too. i think that i am sort of overconfident and think too highly of myself/conceited which lead to such disappointment.

it kept me wondering to myself whether i am doing everything right. it seems that everything just falls out of it track and i need strength to complete my journey. Every step is so vital and should be carefully carved now since i am running out of time.

i need assurance, i need confidence, i need humility, i need everything that it takes to great success. i can't bear another mistake due to my own stupidity and carelessness again.

Please, make this post an indelible reminder for me to never take things easily and be more alert and careful enough to apply everything that i know and correctly in presenting my answer.

Dear God, if You can hear me. i need this so badly.

Remember Me

Today was totally a blast and a good hang out day with friends at Tambun. The scorching hot crazy weather , the novelty of the Lost World and a long solid friendship are a perfect equation that make us come into a solution of visiting Tambun. Everything was fun, fun, fun!

First off, wen went to visit Petting Zoo, took some photos. i couldn't resisit from jumping immediately into the cold icy water and reluctantly tagging along exploring. We went to played Pirate Ship and stuffs at amusement park just to get a boost of adrenaline rush. It wasn't quite challenging enough but it did make me nausea. i felt like throwing out. We went swimming. How could it be that an excellent swimmer doesn't know how to teach? There has to be at least something. So, i ended up pretty much still not knowing how to swim. i paired with Huiwoon and we went through so many of exciting slides and screamed out lungs out (eh...a bit exagerrated). We climbed the hill and burn our feet. It was like walking on the floor of hell fire. Then, we went to have a long tiring tour along the cruising river until we went to have a splash of a bucket of water on top of our head before going back to college. what a tiring day. Awesome though.

Guess what?! Call it a fate, destiny, dream or coincidence. i met with the girl that i have been stalking around few years back. it was such a surreal experience. Previously i just knew there was an existence of such a beautiful bubbly girl and i only knew her through writing and see her through pictures. Everything 2D and today i was seeing her for the very first time in 3D. Then today, she was exactly right there, so perfectly beautiful, a sight that i couldn't resist and took a few glances while brimming to myself because OMG! she was there. She even walked pass me like just a few inches away and i was like telling myself, hey stranger, i knew you. It was so surreal. It's like ... ok ... dreaming about someone who you have never seen before and that distinct familiar figure keep on popping up like in every single dream which make you realised that, hey maybe this fellow is somehow bonded to me in a good way. And it seems like getting stronger that the feeling of meeting this fellow in real life, real world is bound to happen. And then you go poooofs. Omg! There he/she is! Awesome eh?

Apparently, minutes before, i already saw a reservation made by a group trip of Kedah Matriculation College at the resting hut. i already had a Deja-vu feeling that i might get to see her in real life today. And there she was. This is such an amazing encounterence and so i should inscribed this down.

Nonetheless, watching her, make me feel like she was kind of arrogant. She didn't even try to look at people around not even throwing a smile, not that i would expect her to watch into my way because i have been trying to keep my sight away before she noticed. Oh great. i just sound like a moronic lunacy stalker. Who am i to judge? i don't even really know her. Should Weinie see this, the girl was the one handing her the tube on her first attempt to try on the slide. i was looking at her demeanor and surprisingly and upsettingly, she wasn't looking into Weinie's way and just walked off and it kinds of leave out a print of rude. Ouch. Who am i to judge?

Still, i really really want to know her in real life, as a real person. it would be awesome to be able to tell her all these and see how would someone react to that. A complete stranger telling you he/she has been around stalking for quite some times and knew almost every of your thoughts.

Creepy and exciting!

Of the Tie

i vow to make a call once in a week, preferrably Fridays, to Pup because it was his best and favourite day and i was reminding myself since morning but to my dismay, i just forgot and the thought just came across me just now and i was jolted with embarassment of how could i forget such a simple yet undeniable crucial thing. Then, i scrambled for my mobile and dial '2'.

Mum told me that it's more logically that a child makes the call home instead of the other way round because children have the responsibility towards the parents. i raised the question of why Pup seldom ring me in my days here and the only one and most memorable call was in one of the most cosy and warm weekend morning in which i was still indulging in my deep slumber that i felt something annoyingly beeping under the pillow that it aroused my cortisol level to see Puppy (a moving handphone with a gree arrow) 019xxxxxxx on the display screen. Picked it up and excitedly, Hello Pa...what's with the call?

It was about the poem thing that i requested my dear father to compose since he used to take literature in Malay back then. it wasn't a very long conversation and i was telling Pup that i was actually in my sleep, are you kidding me it was weekend, no classes and stuffs and stuffs and stuffs. i was happily laughing because i am quite happy to hear from Pup. i guess that Pup did aware that it was a bloody heavenly weekend but he was just excited about the whole thing that he could resist himself to share his thoughts. i suppose.

Speaking of weekend, recently, i sleep til the late afternoon which is not quite a thing i would do in my former days here in which i would wake up early to make revisions or complete homeworks. i guess just turned slob since the starting of second semester.

So, as a child, i am to make calls to parents. there was a misconception back then. Pup reckoned that he doesnt like calling me or brother because he supposed it was an annoyance to us because the call might interfere with the thing we were doing that particular time. Preporterous. We love you and it doesn't matter that you call us in the wee hour in the morning or whatever it is. So, i learn from that and i am to make the calls. Sometimes, it was so lack of words and everything goes silence and well, hang it up. Absurb. Pup culd talk to Uncle for hours, about his pets their pets, a passion.

It was so darn hot recently. i thought it hit 40 or so. Going to hit Tambun for some splash and soak ourselves up tomorrow.

The eathquake in Chile has given the effect to the Earth to turn slighly out of its vertical position by merely centimetres and cause the nights to lengthen. My Biological lecturer, who often like to talk about religious things during classes, almost all the lecturers are the same here, said that this phenomenon shown that the Holy Qu'ran is imminently showing its truth that the apocalyse is to happen that one day we might see the sun rising from the west.

The whole stuffy hot weather, nature disasters that continuosly happens recently keep me in fear that it might happen sooner than a minor we who thought it would. 2012. is it even possible?

love to keep myself thinking to keep the idle mind active. it is not a burden, at least i try to not make it such a burden because it helps me fall asleep.

so, how to live like i am dying again? Eat, Pray, Love.

Life like this

i stumbled across my cousin's profile on Facebook. She is among the most beautiful person i am related to and i sometimes do wish that we share the same genes. Nevermind the latter. i am happy just the way i am!

So, she is an airstewardess. there were like hundreds of photos she's taken and there were like in London, Shanghai, New Zealand, Greece, Paris, Milan and many more. She must had travelled around the world and i kind of envy her and i want a life like that. Among my top list would be, to travel around the world. i believe that she earns a handsome salary too.

You see, some people don't have to be supergenius to get to enjoy life. Some people are just so lucky and don't have to slog through so many hardships and they get to enjoy life to the fullest. Some people are destined to be just so lucky and admirable. Some people but not me.

Not that i am blaming or cursing, i like the way it works out to be. it wasn't a novelty anymore and i have to accept this is my fate. i think that it was long set that i am to be what i am today. No natural beauty or sort and so i have to work to my utmost energy to survive. i don't have particular skills like sports, musical, arts and so on. I guess that i am to be categorised as the work-hard-to-get-a-decent-preferably-coveted-slash-prestigious-degree kind and run from agency and agency, company and company, organisation and organisation to look for my desirable and high-income and most-importantly a job that make me enthusiastic 24/7 and genuinely interested in. it should be my career, my world, my life. Oh, i missed out. it was supposed to be them running for me not the other way round.

Life like this. Hate it or like it. Enjoy every moment of it because we just live once. i believe in reincarnation though still, as a Me now, i just live once. Whatever i do, did and about to do would be judged and then in the next life, i am not going to be borned a Me i am now but someone different. The kind of life i will live like the born in the silver spoon kind would depend on my acts and i would have to pay the consequences for all the bads which lead to the slummy kind. And i like to believe that for all of the people i have come across in this lifetime, they are all one way or another related to me in the previous life. It's like a cycle. i am here to repay, to be rewarded and also the reverse.

Everyday, i was struggling hard to tell myself to be a Good Samaritan. To be good and kind to people and all that must develop from the abyss of my sincere heart. i must want to be kind to people, not because i want a redemption but because it pleases God and it makes me feel good about myself. And it makes me have a good night sleep. It was hard and scary to carry on a mask and learning that how bitchy i am for being a hypocrite. i would love to see the world as everything that goes around is beautiful and nothing is of vicious deed and attempt. i have to convince myself that eveyone is sincere for their good cause towards me and i should have receive it with a warm smile and a grateful heart instead what i do is doubting and criticising. Even if it was like they are actually taking advantages from me, i should keep it cool and accept it with a grateful heart because Hey i am actually “someone” that's worth to be taken advantages of.

Can i do that?

*&^%$#@!

i'm going to have Mathematics quiz tomorrow. Speaking of Maths, for two whole consecutive semesters, i kept on getting lecturers that didn't teach like of my expectation. i want a professional, experience teacher (like Mr Chua) , a great, outstanding, a teacher that could actully make me pay full respect because of the enthusaism and most importantly, he or she is qualified and knows Mathematics like fish out of water and could answer every questions in like a snap. Sadly, the opposite happenend and i think that i am just so lucky that i cold still score and manage Maths although i'd faced so much complications. i am still hoping that i could really figure Mathematics out someday.

i was talking to my sisiter in the evening and surprisingly, i felt a heavy lump in my throat and i could feel the tears at the brink of my tear ducts. it was hard. then, when it was like hitting something that i like, it keeps me so enthusiastic that i was hoping around. Di said she found an article of Avril and the Alice in the wonderand things in the magazine or sort. Then, i like to annoy her. i did it out of fun, not bothering about how upset she would be. it's just so fun to hear her sigh, screaming around and then come come to reality again reckoning it doesn't really matter to her.

i do miss Huidi. She could really have been my bestest friends around but there is a nine years gap there. i didn't expect her to think as i am because i believe that i could tolerate with that and be more of childish like pretending to have a mind like a kid. Sometimes, i am more of immature than her. i would stomp around and love to with my parents. There are times however that i wish she was more like me. i could not be a best friend to her and vice versa because sometimes i think that she doesn't understand things and didn't see things like i do because she's stil a child and haven't grow enough to see more of the world would bring. i couldn't talk to her about feelings, love, dream, ambition, sorrow and stuffs. i wish that she could grow fast.

it kind of make me feel remorse and bad about myself. i realise that our relationship has improved over the years and i love her more than words can say. i can't wait to go back home and play with her, play along with her. i could imagine how vicious i was in my younger days. i didn't want to left an image of a bad big sister in Huidi as she's growing up. i would say that she adores me but she would love my brother more because my brother's more caring and loving than i am and i think he has never raise voices over her.

So, if Huidi's seeing this in the next 10 years or so, i am confessing that i am sorry for everything and i love you always.