I need a doctor

Okay. Having yet another informative and inspiring wardround with the consultant n registrars! I am again inspired by everyday people. These r people who just make u want to strive hard and work hard and study for your own sake, for others because knowledge is the ultimate key in medicine besides the equally vital bedside manner n compassion.

However, I was carried away, daydreaming in my very own the-secret way, attracting positive energy hoping to get an already qualified and knowledgable as well as passionate doctor-boyfriend. Okay. It was the exhaustion effect. I think too much . But seriously it would be nice to find someone who is willing to help u with ur study. TT

The show is down

I am having a hard time and melancholically getting over the fact that My favourite dance crew, PEZ did not win the champion of showdown 2012. I had so much confidence in them because week in week out, I had been watching the show and it's undeniable that they have the most creative idea, the most clean and tight dance move, the most exciting choreography and needless to say, they just outshine all the other competing crews. However, as the shows progress, I noticed that SoulGang started to pick up and I personally feel that this two teams are the real battle to watch as SG does give an awesome show! It is really disheartening when Hafiz announced the winner. I think it's stupid how ShowDown management make it a solely voting system and by judging on the battle between the last two still standing crews! It's preposterous weih. what happens to all the votes that goes into their production account? What happens to the last seven days votes as it seems that the only key point to be champion is by judging on which crew got the hogging vote for that four minutes battle? Dafuq?! Anyway, we never know if that's even the real results. In short, I am frustrated with the organiser. I am disappointed with he results because I truly believe that PEZ deserves it so much more since the very first week and how we arch them improve and sharpen their skill as well as redefine their moves and steps that make a super uber dope show that left you gaping and go OMG when the beats stop. I can't even remember which week did DLM came up with something that it struck in my mind and lingering around because at least SG did and I have to agree that they outshone PEZ on a couple shows. Lastly, I am proud that my cousin had been a part of PEZ and had work hard to put on so many amazingly breathtaking show for us! They are the champion in my heart and I believe so in many other Malaysians. Besides, who said the best will always get champion? Look at the other reality shows in the states, UK or Australia. It's like a curse.

The secret

It's the beginning of third week. I have seen a lot for the past two weeks which also marks the very beginning of my lifelong hospital life, of course unless I choose to not practice medicine after graduation. However, if the one month basic clinical introductory orientation like thing is taken into account on my embarkment of this nobel with a tad of ugliness profession, I have been here for one and a half month which felt like eternity because weekdays drag on too long and the hospital life is exhausting like a eight hour straight pushup and eight hour more swimming and followed by another 8 hours of heavy weight lifting. Is this the so called stressful life I have been enduring and lead to my irregular menses ? Could be. It still bothers me so much as it feels like I am not a lady with a vagina and properly functioning ovaries but why gives me breasts and girl-like feature in which I couldn't even have the once a month girl thing. Haha. Seriously. Asking for it cause I don't want to get any side effects from it especially the weight gain issue. I try to live my life as positive as possible! Starting my day with positive thoughts and having it chanting inside my mind. It's like the law of attraction. I am working on it when I stumbled across a video the other day on The Secret. It claims that some people are successful because of that secret. And it is none other than having a positive thinking and mindset. It works like magnet. You have to want and only think about positive and good things such as : I am going to have a great day at school/work. Instead of 'Please don't make my life miserable at work and school today.' it's like phrasing a positively correct sentence that makes the big difference. I am going to pass my exam instead of don't let me fail my exam! Some even said that you can write in on paper on daily basis and may the attraction of the universe does the work. It's really interesting because I was connecting it to religion practice. People pray to their respective God and 'asked' for things. Many times, we see how Grateful they are when God granted their wishes and answered their prayers. So is that how The Secret works? Or those believe in The Secret are atheist instead and only believe in their own self and their own mind as mind over matters! Basically trying to live everyday life by abiding to the secret too. I need to attract good things and emit positive energy and vibe! my doctors are going to have favor on me and therest of the team of course. I am going to pass my exam. I am going to go thru my hospital life happily! I am going to be fine! I am going to be energetic tomorrow! God bless.

Define short

Of losing temper

Coming to clinical years, among the things to prepared for and to solidify is your endurance skill, physical and mentally. I just got my second direct scolding from Doctor straight projected to me. Saliva bursting straight on my face like the sparks from a ferocious amber! I am actually well prepared for everything whether it's atomic bomb, missile attack or tsunami waves! I have seen people shedding tears from the public humiliation and scolding from the doctors before but I guess I am just that kind of person who is hardened inside and stubborn with a tad of arrogant. Most of all, i m tough. Sometimes i just dont give a damn on what people are gonna say about me. Like how a couple of times Mum is judging me on things and accusing me for things. I just get really fed up to even explain myself because sometimes it is really saddenin to know how people can make bad assumption about you. I do have respect for the doctors but I love myself more and I know that she/he is just a doctor, working the asses off at and night saving lives, scarifying themselves which is noble. It is really okay if just on a random moody day, I am so unfortunate that I fall as the victim. It's really okay because I still have a life besides that seconds/minutes of anguish. When they fired the ugly words at me, I would look straight into their eyes, with full concentration, digesting and at the very same time, playing in my mind, a picture of them in a different settings. The Flinestone era, Gaga's music videos, or I could just visualizing them how hideous they are for all those inappropriate yelling. Not to say I'm not at fault but yeah, I admit my wrongs and idiocity but exaggerating is really unnecessary. You are already look old with the stres and workload, and yelling and scolding at us aren't going to make you look good but worsen the situation. God knows how much cells are dead by the time you finish and wrinkles Permanently form. But, I really enjoy the sarcasm! If only it wasn't directedly at me! Teehee. Outstanding senior doctors, have really a great sense of humor aka sarcasism which I thought only seen on screen like the fictional Dr House but apparently, He lives in every doctors! Which is Fun but insane for us medical students to take in. I have seen course mates posted regarding the quotes from their respective department's doctors and that's why I come out with that conclusion. seniority is directly proportionate to sarcasm level! Anyway, I know all the scoldings and yelling are for my own good. Need to reflect on my wrong doings also. And Idiocity. But I really he I can be better and may good luck pour on me. I wish I appear like-able to doctors! Need to and I need help from karma.

the C word

Which year are you in? it always took a longer than 3 s to utter 'third' because i still cant believe how swift time had passed and how hard i have been struggling for the past two years to make it into my third year of medical student life.

the blog has been on an imminent hiatus. i have been away from town for a Professional and Personal Development camp in which we as the meds student here in UKM are required to attend 3 camps in total thruout our 5 years course, the first, third and fifth. The history repeats again when i, again, no, my group had managed to secure the best group and the all round Champion! Gawd. sometimes, i couldnt even able to accept all the good luck i had been lavished with. I had been randomisedly grouped with different coursemates and finally got to see new faces. Can i, my group do it again if and only if i make it to fifth year? lets keep that a challenge! and a promise. Keep calm. Move ahead.

i have been trying to adapt myself with new study method with friend. it makes me miss my old friend a lot and i was thinking Huiwoon could have been a good study partner to me. i need someone who can motivate me to study, to push me and most importantly the chemistry that we have. it still feels a little awkward with my study partner here although she used to be my room mate and we have numerous same sessions and in the same small group together for a countless time. it just feels like we are laking chemistry or something. but i am glad that we are able to teamed up and hopefully this is going to help me in tackling my exam.

and i always hate clerking patients who are diagnosed with cancer. the common thing they share, besides the presenting symptoms despite the different type of cancer is the melancholic look on their face and a blind could have recognized it from the way they behave. it's painful for me and for them as well. who would have love to hear themselves diagnosed with the dreaded C-word. even if it was a benign tumour growth, i wasn't very much convinced with the word benign despite all the statistic and prognosis. but my job now basically revolve around clerking patient, talking and smiling. feel very much like a hypocrite.

i mean. i could be smiling and talking in a decent manner with them, just so i can play my part and complete my task in the logbook but what then? at that moment, i would emphatised and sympatised with their misfortunes (some that can move you to tears because it remind you of your old parents and deceased grandparents, some can make your heart sank by making you grateful for what a wonderful and blessed life you've been living in). afterwards, i would come back, facebook, sleep, study a little, youtube and enjoys my life, though a suffering and stressful one.

it's the powerless and helplessness that bothered me so much. Atheist would have asked God why create cancer? Why create suffering? The same that Gautama Buddha asks. And, what say me? Did i go thru journey of enlightenment like what Buddha does? i doubt. i have a lot to do. complete my studies, earn money, pamper my parents and all that. so, someone asked me if i consider myself as a religion person. No, i answered. (but im not atheist) How do you expect me to be religious when i dont even understand all those mind-boggling thing about life and religion itself. Just do good and the karma will take care of the rest! :)

blood ties

 i just get back from drawing blood for screening for Hepatitis B. this is the first time ever, a needle is pricked into my left median cubital vein (the common one underneath antecubital fossa, the part joining ur upper arm. and blood is sucked up into that tiny little syringe. well. not the first probably but as i am aware of since postnatal period. i have the fear of the pricking of needle!

and it was a stupid fear. it didnt hurt at all. it wasnt as painful as i thought it would. i feel like banging my head on the wall for the stupid concept and thought that ive made up since young and i have lost a generously lot of opportunities to donate blood, growing up. it is such a selfish thing. and i have the whole twilight-vampire struck thing going on in my mind again. Edward would have skipped it and fake a blood test.  

well. when i got to the auditorium just now, after screening for the available doctors on duty, i have actually picked up a few that i want. and there's this one doctor who doesnt deem 'professional' and efficient and effective, to me. let's called her Dr.U you know how ugly i am/human being is for the constant practice of making assumption of people, by judging just based on the humble appearance and modest look. slap. shame on me. She is the most skillful of all the doctors present! she managed to withdraw the students who had small, not obvious veins that a few doctors had failed to withdraw and last resort was to seek her help! i am amazed and ashamed at the same time.

mind over matters. i tried to fool myself, continuously chanting and mumbling that everything's gonna be okay, it is nt painful and yada yada yada. being the stupid and easily deceived me, i managed to flashed my smile and greeted a Good Afternoon when my number's summoned. and how irony it was to turn out to be Dr.U herself. i could still remembered how intense my heart was hammering OH NO! before i actually recognized her expertise.

things happen for a reason. in fact, for many reasons. She's actually nice and friendly. and she told me that i have such big, prominent vein that she suggested me to go for blood donation. i flashed my friendly, hypocrite smile again and said i would consider it. (if only you make it less painful, far different from my imagination) and it just took her less than a minute for the whole venipuncture procedure. i was watching the whole thing myself. seeing her pricked in the needle, seeing thick dark blood flowing, filling the syringe. it was not painful at all. it was far beyond my imagination. it feels great because i smiled and thanked her and vowed to sign up for blood donation when opportunities strike, next time. 

i was just thinking that if only i knew, i could have save lives earlier. it's never too late anyway. i am determined to fully utilized the gift that God has granted me. my anatomical structured vein that make me a good candidate for blood donation? why not.