welcome to my life

all my life has been gooooood but now i'm thinking what the hell. this is when i hate the fact how my sixth sense becomes tangible. i just know it when thing likes that would happen and i dont know how to face the world with it. it feels good to talk, to just spit everything out. it's true that people just need the acceptance, listening ears to listen. and follows by silence. it comes and goes though, like a ferocious roller coster ride. worst, to realise that you have all been on your own all the ride. nobody to share the excitement and the frightening experience. you can just vaguely hear people shouting from below on how it's going to end soon but they never really know how it really feels, inside. wrecked u up, parasite sipping up the nutrient and invincible vampires sucking up the blood.

damn. when life gives you lemon, you can either make lemonade out of it or put out a sour face. why life is giving me lemon anyway?! i have heard enough of the courageous words, the advices, the endless motivation and in fact i'm giving and passing it to those who needs it too. although deep down my heart, i know that those are all just lies. a lie that's covered by another and i live in a lie. a horrendous lie. i dont want to know the truth and force to accept it with the possible big heart i could ever offer. you fall down and you get up again. you complete the race. doesnt matter who comes first, second or third. what if you're asthmatic? do you still put your life at risk knowing you're in grave danger cause nobody's going to offer medical helps along the run?

i stared at the wall, the ceiling, the space and pictured myself in the best mask i could ever put on possible. i dragged on the day, wondering if the end is near. it's like watching a good movie or a good drama and you wish it never ends that it will go on forever. that way, you dont have to turn off the tv and proceed with other activity. it's like praying for tomorrow never comes for you have been spending the best day of your life ever and know tomorrow will never be the same again. worse, it could be you're having the most disastrous day ever and could not summon the courage to welcome tomorrow. i just slack on and wish that i was living in a dream or a fairy tale, waiting for my life's story to be ended ASAP. i just wish i fall into a deep slumber and never wakes up again. that way, i wouldnt even exist and i dont have to turn on my masochistic genes, hurting my mind mentally. that way, i could dwell in my own escapism without having to face the cruel and heartbreaking reality.

now, i fully understand the lonesomeness that Anna and Vicki have been experiencing. they were ghosts and were surprisingly brought back to vampire diaries. i think it's normal that like other soap operas, they'll come up with new plot and story line just to keep the show on and anticipated. they have been feeling indescribable lonesome and solitude in the other side of the world cause they cant find peace or sort. i just feel the same. after all these struggles, i know that i am all alone all these while. no matter how much i try to make myself sounds right because of my egoism, no matter how hard i try to make them resort to end my suffering, no matter how vigilant i have been, shits still happen just because i deserved it. things happen for a reason. okay. i get it. just tell me the real reason. dont just tell me the good things to make things better or make me feel better. i can make up poker face and you dont even want to know how miserable and depressing it is inside. and i am really really sorry for all that have happens. we could not change it. i hope my mischievous and stubborn self do not get the better off me just to save my pride from the mess that i have created.

maybe my faith isn't strong enough and i have my doubts. somehow, i just want to put a stop to all the supernatural, beliefs and traditionally cultures thing because a part of me know that it isn't just about that. true that those things seem to make the elders and self more prepared spiritually and mentally but did anyone even try to see the clearer and big picture before? hello?! i am a dead walking body here. anyone try to dig down inside me, to make a postmortem on me? maybe there's a chance of resurrection. well God, i just hope You keep me faithful and tenacious enough to hold on. not blaming anyone cause i know fault is on me, solely. i am just frustrated and exasperated and pissed and upset with myself. and i hope that i wouldnt betray myself in the near future.

i am pretty sure i am going to visit here more frequent. try many escapism. sleeping is the best i would say when you mind is just shut off, you wouldnt have to care a word.

the best of me

http://figment.com/books/146978-The-Best-of-Me

here's an excerpt for my favorite author ever, Nicholas Sparks's latest masterpiece, The Best of Me. i cant wait to get myself a full copy from the shelf!

it's been one hectic week for everyone. will try come blogging some other day because i really need a good rest now. duh.

.......

after an outing with friends to the mall, i stopped by the bookstore and get myself one of it from the shelf! they are so pretty.

and here's my very own copy of The Best of Me. cant wait for the paperback so i get myself the hardcover. =)

hope that i can have some self-control on myself before the last paper next tuesday. though, fliiping a few chaptes wont bring harm no?

under pressure

just when i thought everything has been running smooth and things has gone from okay to great, suddenly, i fall down on the track, feeling sorry for myself and disappointed again although i thought that i've turned numb and mute towards the outcome still, it evolves into an invisible stone that i found myself accidentally tripped on.

anyway. one good news today is that Mum is finally officially coming to town. however this is of a wrong timing. i want her here to listen to my whining but at the same time, i will feel sorry for not spending enough time with her here. anyway. her main purpose here is of course not because of me. i am just glad that she's coming over. i start to have bad feeling. OMG. the pressure is so high as if the world is going to collapse on me soon and the sky's falling down. Gasp. safe me. is this going to be the end of my suffering anyway? what a high price to pay for it. if i am destined to take a step backward, it would still be a blessing in some way. sometimes, i really dont understand what i have been fighting for. why oh why it does bear any promising outcomes.

so. God, besides thanking You and questioning You at the same time, i would love to thank blogspot too for letting me to spill my hidden feeling out, here. just noticed that i've been blogging for two days straight. i just have a lot of unanswered thoughts lately. and i am feeling pretty sad.

dearie God

Dear God,

i know that i didn't worship You in any significant way for a very long time and today, i sincerely, genuinely wish to Thank You for all the blessing and good returns that You have showered upon me and my family members. You know, i once saw that people said they often blame God for every misfortunes that fall upon them but never be thankful or appreciate for all the goods that they're indulging in but i am the total opposite.

i am really really thankful that Momma's sickness is healed and she need not to suffer anymore. of course i would have to thank the doctor for his genius diagnosis or else we'll never find a cure for it. anyway, the bad side of it is that it makes me feel even useless, helpless and hopeless than before. damn. i don't even know what i was doing all these years and semester. taking in everything and spilling out everything. what i like is that i was given the opportunity to meet and listen to the people around me and somehow i did get some encourage. i hope that i will turn better. medicine is about practicing and experiencing aint it? i might as well end up not practicing anyway.

God, please, i hope You can blessed all the people that i love and dear to me to get stronger, tougher and lavish their lives with happiness and blessing. God, You know what, although i am still exasperated thinking about those precious and valuable things that You've taken away from me, and till today, of course i am still blaming myself incessantly thinking about all the possible happier self i could be, i have actually learnt to cope with it and move on. i hope that You can make all my loved ones wiser and sensible after those turmoil that seem inevitable, just like how You make me a better man. and if you didn't make it happen, probably i wouldnt become who i am today!

there're a lot of things that i wish to hear it myself and acknowledge but know all i could do is blind guessing and holding on to the faith i have in You. Promise me that you will make everything better and when i look back, say 10 years time, i will eventually love You more than i already am. so much more to do as a mean to Thank Your Mightiness. =)

my definition of God is an omnipotent presence that you can't explain by plain words or evidence. it's felt by heart, touch the soul and heal the world. God has so much potent and plays variety of roles in my life. i find strength, hope and it's a place where i can reflect for all the wrongs i did. okay. this is my shout out to You, I LOVE YOU, unconditionally!
  

it will pass

the first line is sometimes the hardest just like how people said the first step is always the hardest to take. like now, i kept on erasing on how i would like to start this. sometimes when i look back my previous entries, i stumbled across issues that hid certain meaning. i try to make it subtle and when i look back, i cant even recall.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RFGyqHEkfN8

on this solitude and restless night, i am listening to lifehouse. things come and go, issues arise and to-be-solved, exam is just around the corner, to be endured. and i have forgotten when i start to give up on thriving for myself. anyway, i'm holding on to finish everything and enjoy my idle lifeless life at home.

these few days, i have learnt to not make quick judgement based on just a single piece of information and without any confrontation on the subject himself. just put yourself in the shoes and you wont really dig the feeling there too aint it. and i am forever sorry to have such misunderstanding and prejudice. for the same token, feeling helpless for not being able to lend a helping hand and a pair of listening ears or even sending away some encourage words. i wasnt even i the situation and i wouldnt even know what it feels like that way but life has to move on. it's okay to be upset and frustrated but don't let it to engulf most of the time and energy. we'll come across a lot of difficulties in life, no matter how bad things've gone, always bear in mind that there are still a lot of people who loves you unconditionally so dont let them worry about you especially the parents.

before i end this, would love to offer my apology again to those that i have offended or hurt whether it's unintentionally or intentionally. i did things for reasons and i know i could be mean sometimes and my words are sharp like a freshly sharpen knife but i don't like to explain myself much. it's funny how there are people who you intend to get closer but is deterred by a thick wall or a fear of rejection while there are some who try to come into your life but are not welcomed. i wish i could play some mind-controlling trick someday. i feel so bad about myself sometimes but i could not help it. friends for benefit eh. define friend. is there anything wrong with not agreeing with everything and have myself my little opinions? is there anything wrong with breaking promises or overriding words. time could change a lot of thing. you can be at one second like purple and the next like pink. Avril also sings everything's changing, when i turn around, all out of my control, i'm a mobile'. as much as i would like to explain myself, i am even trying hard to put my priority on top.

so much for a birthday

twenty years ago, mummy and papa welcomed me to life. (hope i wasnt an accident) i dare not to imagine the labor pain that mum had to surmount through hours before i obediently crept out of the comfortable womb bringing a new mean of life. here i am twenty years later and if i am able to go back to visit myself every year on my birthday, i would definitely tell myself to cherish them more and to express my gratitude in a more decent way because based on my vague memory i have been pretty rebellious since young. but i hope that i have made up everything pieces by pieces to compensate for the wrongs.  

as i grow up, i've came to learn on the definition of love and how to love. nothing i said or did would be sufficient to repay all of those wonderful things you had done for me. we the Asian never learn to utter those three words and eight letters everyday and i have always wanted to whisper it but a large lump formed concurrently made me swallowed those words and feelings back. but it always remain there, buried at the abyss of my heart. Actions speak louder than words. well, i always know that i never did anything for both of you, but i always have a lot of big dreams and hopefully they'll come true. so much to accomplish and so much to do. my promise is that i would always love both of you in my own way and never abandon you. 

knowing that i've grown up little by little also signifies that you are growing older. please forgive me if i always worry you and please take good care of yourself too because "the-forbidden-word" is imminent. i hope that i will be able to give the best for your latter life as you guys have been slogging hard for the children. i think that it's really time for you to enjoy the wonder and great things about life.

as for my brother and little sister, thanks for being the pain in the ass especially HuiDi. i always love you! always make me feel young despite the huge gaps of year. as for my brother, thanks for the memorably fun, innocent childhood and being the bestest you could.  

lastly, thanks a lot for giving me this life. though i sometimes ask my self for the numerous mind-blogging questions on life's purpose, i have to admit that for twenty years, i havent see enough of the world and i havent do anything big for my loved ones so who am i to whine about my life. 

for the awesome friends, acquaintances and strangers that i've came across for the past 20 years, i would love to express my gratitude too for decorating my life with the pretty hue of colors. everyone means a lot to me. i really value our friendship! you guys make me smile and laugh so much and those are the beautiful moments that will be imprinted in my mind.  

Birthday is definitely a suitable day to reminiscence all those great days behind and to have new resolutions for the days and years to come. Embrace life people! dont forget to thank your parents on the occasion. wish i never grow up though. =)