That frustrating moment

That frustrating moment watching Miss Universe / Miss World thinking how could these ladies are so darn beautifully with perfect body, charisma, intellectual and almost goddess like.

Someone like you

I think I have made a few mistakes in my life that I don't think I want to apologize for that mistakes because I'm not hundred percent at fault. If u know me and get along with me for so long, I am so going to be really honest and mean in a way that I know it hurts the feeling but I couldn't help it cuz I know that I need to speak my mind, literally. Sigh. Living with guilt now but then somehow I feel good about it cuz I am no longer under control of anyone. In a way, I have learnt to be a master of my own self. I do not have to live my life according to plan or anything. It's freedom.

For the past few months, I've learnt of a way to broaden my point of views and perspective of life. I do not dwell on any grumps or failure or bad outcomes for too long a time that it eats me up inside. Instead, I've learnt to forgive, forget and to do more to be a better man.

Some say that it's a pathetic to live on without a purpose of life. True. Until today, I still don't know what is my purpose of life. I just know that I need to complete my studies (never mind that if I do not excel because sometimes things are just not meant for me. It's like how you have a strong attractive feeling for someone but he is not your destined soulmate. So, no matter how things move on, if it's not urs, it will never be yours. Hmmmm. Things like that if you know what I mean.)

So, I stumbled across a blog site that I am truly amazed and impressed with the writer's writing skill. I could really read all his posts if most of them werent on too much details and emphasize on his religion, his belief. I mean I respect all those but it didn't keep me long as I have to skip over to next entry. I wish that I am knowledgable and wise like him too. From his writing n all, I know That he reads a lot and I feel inferior and sorry for myself that I didn't get the opportunity or rather acknowledge the importance and value of reading, writing and knowledge when I was in secondary school. Besides, i wish that in the family we could converse in English to improve on my speaking skills so that I don't have to startled over words. We should have implied that once my little sister is born. Can't believe that after all these years, I am still the old lazy, slacking, low spirited, shallow and no self esteem whatsoever "sedentary" me. It's a purposeless, idle life. Now, everything is a little too late because of the academic needs and the need to stay focus and still and persevere on What I am pursuing now instead of sprouting regrets towards the millions what-ifs and wondering on the roads not taken.

It always come across me, I think most of the people too. I always see how some lecturers cockily introduced their educational backgrounds, having the privileges to study overseas with double degrees or PhD and so on. I do respect and admire them of course because it's no easy to have that opportunity and they must have been among the best. What keep me thinking was that what if I choose on the not-so-critical course as that would really change my life because I am pretty sure that I can secure a seat. Killing two birds with one stone. Well, maybe three. Get a overseas, recognized coveted degree, getting to travel around abroad and lastly make a few foreigner friends. Who knows that love might blossoms. Love that transcend culture, time and beauty.

Speaking of that, I kind of have a thing for a dude who is knowledgable, who reads a lot(not necessary a bookworm or a geek), someone's is is casually smart, humorous and better, good at photography, writing and speaking. Ha-ha. Adding on the list would just make him a fictional construct. Well, I think I can live forever with someone like that. Romantic inside, a little introvert and always full with ideas and creativity.

i hate you

how do you define best friend?

frankly, i used to think so and so are one of my best friends but the word best doesnt really justify it. i suppose i could only use close or good friend. because best friends are suppose to be able to communicate transcend the time and both are willing to share everything, keeping no secret, trusting each others, just holding on faith. guess i am still not able to do that because my egoism is taking over a very big part of me. am still having troubles trusting people fully. even with my mum, i never really tell her everything that she demands she want to know. what was i thinking, feeling and experiencing. she asked me to tell her just everything because she is the closest ever. true. but mum, i was born this way. i was born introvert. not that i dont trust you but i am so used to keeping everything to myself (and you did see what happen when everything has gone beyond maximum point and the maximum tension. i burst. like a ferocious volcano).

once saw on Oprah an obese girl who used to be bullied and making fun of in the school confessing on television to her mum, with tears streaming down her face, howling. telling her mum: I hate you. I hate you because you are my only best friend. My heart cried for her. (supposedly it was a psychology thing that the counsellor guided the problematic teengaers to express their feeling that way...starting the sentence with 'i hate you'. yes mum. "I hate you cuz you love me so much and you have so much faith in me that i am scared that i will only let you down".

well. though i dont really have best friend, i do have a variety of close friends. They are so different in every way. i found a piece of me in each of them. they truly makes my life better and i knw that i can always go to them to talk about those little things that get me excited and make me happy after a tiring day or week. they never fail to make me smile and move on. though none really know how miserable i was feeling inside, i am just comfortable that way. still finding courage to surpass my stubborn self and learn to open up. and i am grateful that once a while, they shared their problems with me. =)

and last confession, i am truly sorry for some that didnt make it that far. i dont like to make any emotional attachment to any or get way too close because once i set the diameter shorter, i feel like people actually start to take control over me. feel like i am being used. always the one to make sacrifice and all. always the one with the softest voice. always the one not given chance to make decision n speak up. i despise that. and i wont tell you that straight into your face. i dont want o hurt your feeling bt i guess starting with ignorance and indifference hurt more. i dont care. i have no choice. see, i am mean this way.

odd number is hard. it always have to be in even or pairs. because someone will always left out. i dont want to be the one 'chosen' because i am more comfortable alone. i dont really mind being alone. moreover, i care about the left out one. read it like an open book. guess i am 'kind' this way for compromising n tolerating eh?

That awesome moment

that awesome moment when you came up with an unexpected Plan B just in time when your Plan A is ruined (i did curse a little cause i spent so much time preparing it) and managed to deliver a satisfying presentation.

i wasnt smitten with Chris Rene but i am overwhelmingly supporting him sincerely from the bottom of my heart because i think he deserves it and he got the x factor (wasnt the best singer around but thats not a problem i reckon). Please do an original song next week because thats how you tug the fans and audiences at heart. we get connected when its original and genuine.

#life's too short gotta live it long :)

That awkward moment 2

That awkward moment when you barged into the toilet seeing your friend with the pants pulled down sitting on the toilet bowl.

Y you left the door open. Okay. I see nothing, it was too early in the morning and my eyes were still half closed and I was blur. Period.

Chow kit road

A couple of days ago, my friends and I were walking thru chow kit road on our way heading to have lunch at a famous Panmee restaurant nearby. I saw a lot of unfortunate people lying, sitting and squatting on the walkway, the beggars, begging for money. Not that I want to brag about myself but a piece of me want to reach out to my wallet and give away the few ringgit that I've saved. Nonetheless, the upbringing and the culture as well as the early life of mine doesn't include such noble, generous acts. Of course it was in the Morale textbook teaching us so and so but did anyone really adhere and abide to all those teachings? Odd. It was mixed with a feeling of shyness because I don't want people to think like oh wow...that's so kind of you? Giving you that skeptical stares as if doing good is a sin. Well, you get what I mean. Once, I was having lunch with friends at a food stall after school and giving away rm1 wihtout much hesitation to an old woman nearby who carries a mug in her hand, coming over to our table and asking for donation. my friends reaction were really pissing me off. I guess that's one of the reason why I never want to have any close attachment to anyone here. They even questioned me on why I did I do so. WTF?! You guys don't even remember where you placed your wallet and looked deeply into your noodles as if there's hidden gold inside the deep bottom of it and after she left, start questioning my action? Great. Wouldn't mind spending on branded items, whatsoever dresses and heels but not even a penny to an old woman. Do you even think she want to beg for life if she isn't desperate enough?

However, I kind regret for not giving away while I can on that chow kit road. What was I even worried and shy about?

Last time, when Mum was in town, we went to visit a Chinese Temple near Petaling Street. My hairs started to stand the moment we stepped our foot inside. And when I saw my mum fervently doing all the ritual of offering and praying, my heart sank. I felt like somehow I feel connected to Buddha, probably because all those miserable things that have fallen upon me recently. Seeing my mum, just kennel down and start bowing, I know that she was a genuine and honest person inside. The most truest and amazing person I have ever known and love beyond imagination. On our way home, what touched my heart more was that we bumped into this uncle who worked as a sweeper in the temple but unfortunately he had difficulty in walking probably due to arthritis. Again, seeing him made my heart ached. Why are there sufferings in this world? So mum asked my sister to hand him a 10 ringgit note. It wasn't much but mum said he doesnt have to worry about his meals, at least for one day. God. Tears were welling up in my eyes already and I had to swallowed the lump that formed in my throat.

One lesson I learnt is that since I am born in a well Moderate family, I should be grateful and I will help those who are n need if I am capable of doing so. I wish that I can turn like really really wealthy one day so that I can do more.

While I heard people complaining about their parents not giving enough or nt loving enough, I would normally just keep quiet. In fact, I keep quiet all the time. I am thankful and grateful to my parents for everything that they've done for me and given, whether it's just purely materialistic fulfillment or their undying love n care for me. I couldnt ask for better parents. :) e only thing I am worried about is not able to live up to their expectation and not able to love them back and do more than what they've sacrificedforme.

that awkward moment

that awkward moment when you're having clinical skill learning lecture on male catheterization and pictures showing complications of it with swollen and peculiarly hideous looking penis with your boy friends sitting on your left and right, front and back.

Almost sober

I was on the 13th floor(I stay on a17th floor apartment though), standing straight, two upper limbs resting on the balcony wall and looked down for 10 seconds, picturing what's it like to jump from there. I saw the reflection of buildings in the pool below. It was so quiet. Although its a huge condominium with at least 200 units around, I couldn't hear any voice or see any shadows of people.

I took my time to take in the moment, trying to rest my congested and tired mind. Taking deep breathe in and out. Realize that it actually wasn't that hard to take some quality time to ease myself after a long day of work. And realize that there's more to life. I shouldn't keep myself lock in the solitude of my room too much thinking nonsense and bring in the negative energy in me.

I did take a long time to grieve and to accept the way inverse works in which you could never be on top or in comfortable spot all the time. I just learn on how to deal with loss, failure and devastation. Sure, it wasn't an easy one. I was emotionally touched and I did cry a little watching Racheal Crow in X factor who had just been voted out. I know how she feels like. Things happen too sudden. She just collapsed on the floor after the announcement. I know how it feels like. Just want to reach out for her telling everything will be fine because I too have been there before and now I am still living my life, gratefully.

I just wish that the ne year will bring more joy and luck for me. And I really need to learn to let go.

God in this moment

If you are waiting in the long line under the scorching hot sun for a warranted once in a lifetime experience to have your one wish granted by the Almighty, do you still wait for it since you've endure so much of miserable turmoils and miseries along the way? You know exactly what the outcomes would be, a successful one, though not exactly like the smooth and happy way you want it to be but you know you're going to nail it anyway, it's just that your path is not as easy and light as the other lucky one who are on the same line. Do you still look ahead for it? you know. just to have that special moment to take in everything and be proud of who you are. Never mind the running dry tears, never mind the backstabbing, never mind the cheating, never mind the sharp words that subtly kill you inside because you're such a sensitive person.

Since you are already have that nod of guaranteed passport to that new world, you just have to climb a few more mountains, swim across a few more ocean, walked across a few more miles of hot burning stony path that hurt your foot so much, dragged yourself across the smelly, soaky swamp areas with fatal predators inside, before you eventually see the new word you're going to live in soon. And suddenly, there's this Good Samaritan, (or He could be a devil), that offer you a one way ride to a parallel world that you've missed, the one you have been thinking about if you didn't queue in the line with other dreamers and fighters for you that one wish to be granted with a few dreading conditions to be fulfilled. Should i go on the ride?

sometimes, before i go to sleep. i always think about all those absurd, magical things that i wish could happen to me. =( the reality is just a boring, tiring world with no creativity whatsoever. not my preferable hues of color to be in.