yesterday, to be exact maybe around 12 hours ago, i was experiencing the most flummox feeling ever. i just don't know what to think, what to feel and it's like a flash of silence and live moves on. i was informed by Woon to go check for my application status for USM and after all the anxiety, i found out that i was not in the list. is disappointed, dejected and frustrated is the right feeling? feeling as if it's the end of the world and all?
frankly, i don't have the intention to feel sad over my complication. though it's kind of a little upsetting that i did not emerged as one of the outstanding applicants and i am very well aware that i did fail the interview. nobody to blame and i am really satisfied with everything i had done. did give my best and i get nothing to lose. my national language is just too poor and i doubt that i have the will to improve. so, i move on.
i continued watching Crystal and Lee performances on the previous episodes of American Idol and i found out that both are great though i personally think that C should win for her performance on the finale but Lee was great all the way through the season too so maybe that's how he won. then, i came across Lady Antebellum and found out that they have a couple of soothing beautiful songs. so, i repeated them on the playlist though there are more that i want and a few that i couldn't find on the net.
only then, i told Mum about everything. Mum was really sad. anguish. sad. sorrow. dismal. which's the word which is sadder than sad? i saw Mum cried and i followed up but it's not like crying out loud, as if the heart had broken to pieces. i had experienced worse. that was just a minor burst. fixed up the reservoir in a split second. it's just like a few countable teardrops after all. i was suppressing it. i cried because i feel like it was my fault that i brought such a tremendous sorrow to my Mum, who has been the bestest Mother and Friend for her undying love and unfailing support all this while. i don't know. it's like the farewell ceremony of my high school years that i cried because of the atmosphere, because i see tears, i see people cried and it's like contagious, mirror syndrome or something that i tend to mimic. like you see people yawn and you have a high tendency to yawn too. like you see people puke and you feel unwell too.
nevertheless, i have to admit that i only feel the sadness because it feels like i have upset all the people who loved me around me. they have been putting up high hope and have to pay the price. isn't it better that people take it easy, not wanting something so badly because everything is uncertain. inconsistent. it's in the hand of you know who.
so, i would say that it's not the only option. i am not hearing a death sentence today. when He closes the door, He will open a window for me. i know. i have faith. complete, indubitable faith.
this is probably the best insight and enlightenment on Wesak Day ever. first time i ever take note and put an effort to remember and comprehend the Day.
maybe, this is just another post of a sour grape story. maybe this is a blessing in disguise.
but, i know that i have nothing to lose. not getting a seat at USM is still acceptable because abundance opportunities still lie ahead. and when i failed those too, yeah, i will cry out loud then and move on again.
No comments:
Post a Comment