minger

i had every rights to feel sad ain't i?

the advantages of getting a place here is that i can travel home often, mum is not going to feel the longing to see me and vice versa, it's one of nation's top U, i get to drive and probably own a car under DBT or something, my future is secured and not having to wait patiently for another month, not having to torture the brain to think of other possible plans, not having to think much of my other possible hidden interest and talent and passion, not having to surf the net for informations, not having to questions.

the disadvantages of getting a place here is that i will get less exposure to a whole new experience far away from home (Aunt has been bugging me long time ago of how irrelevant to study at the same old mundane hometown where there is so more many things to discover elsewhere, not forget the excitement). i probably would say that i would travel home often that it would affect my studies but this is not one solid excuse. the disadvantage is that i probably would not have more time and one last opportunity to mend my relationship with my brother. (heh, this is the main reason i want it somewhere not here) the disadvantage is that well, i probably miss out the chance of giving another second thought about my future, about my plight. come out with some more but all are just excuses for being a loser.

shit. i do make a thorough thinking. it would be a waste of energy to get upset now when the real complication is bound to happen later. would be wise to get real devastated when my other preferable applications are turned down. that's the time to cry out loud and scream at my own dismal fate.

there are many occasions to feel happy about yet there are also many things to get upset about. i think time will cure.

i am sad. i am sad. i am sad. i am sad. i am seriously sad.

i am happy. i try to be happy. i will be happy. this is just a test. this is probably an escape. this is just a tiny progress for a bigger thing for me. i know that i am in the right path.

honestly speaking, i do feel a tinge of joy to know that i am not giving a chance to study here. i also know that i am upset that they turned me down, acknowledge that i am not good enough so they reject me. simple reason. argh. it's a mix feeling.

wreckage

i woke up feeling as if i had been ran by a huge truck. damaged. wrecked up. crumpled. whatever.

it's so strange. i think i was starting to feel sad about the whole thing, that i failed in securing a seat in usm. it was bad. bad knowing that people are at least have a secure future while i am still "wandering". it is still a bleak, vague picture. oh. i understand now about why am i so depressed. i just feel left out and uncertain of my future and feeling a slight unfairness knowing others can jump of joy but i have to wait for a few weeks more.

mummy insists on signing me up in private university and i was moved. gasp. i had to control my tears. i am so touched. telling mum that i probably might not taking up medicine if they are to failed me again. not that i lost the passion. it just fades a little. people like me, many others more, keep on getting disappointed by the ignorant People. how do they expect us to contribute whole-heartedly with full gratitude?

plan on getting a car instead of a list of little things but i guess i don't deserve anything now since mum is about to invest something bigger on me. would need to come up with a plan B and C, just in case.

pray hard. bless me.

next plane home

maybe i'll write like Twain wrote. maybe i will paint like van Gogh. cure a common cold. i don't know. Lady Antebellum.

yesterday, to be exact maybe around 12 hours ago, i was experiencing the most flummox feeling ever. i just don't know what to think, what to feel and it's like a flash of silence and live moves on. i was informed by Woon to go check for my application status for USM and after all the anxiety, i found out that i was not in the list. is disappointed, dejected and frustrated is the right feeling? feeling as if it's the end of the world and all?

frankly, i don't have the intention to feel sad over my complication. though it's kind of a little upsetting that i did not emerged as one of the outstanding applicants and i am very well aware that i did fail the interview. nobody to blame and i am really satisfied with everything i had done. did give my best and i get nothing to lose. my national language is just too poor and i doubt that i have the will to improve. so, i move on.

i continued watching Crystal and Lee performances on the previous episodes of American Idol and i found out that both are great though i personally think that C should win for her performance on the finale but Lee was great all the way through the season too so maybe that's how he won. then, i came across Lady Antebellum and found out that they have a couple of soothing beautiful songs. so, i repeated them on the playlist though there are more that i want and a few that i couldn't find on the net.

only then, i told Mum about everything. Mum was really sad. anguish. sad. sorrow. dismal. which's the word which is sadder than sad? i saw Mum cried and i followed up but it's not like crying out loud, as if the heart had broken to pieces. i had experienced worse. that was just a minor burst. fixed up the reservoir in a split second. it's just like a few countable teardrops after all. i was suppressing it. i cried because i feel like it was my fault that i brought such a tremendous sorrow to my Mum, who has been the bestest Mother and Friend for her undying love and unfailing support all this while. i don't know. it's like the farewell ceremony of my high school years that i cried because of the atmosphere, because i see tears, i see people cried and it's like contagious, mirror syndrome or something that i tend to mimic. like you see people yawn and you have a high tendency to yawn too. like you see people puke and you feel unwell too.

nevertheless, i have to admit that i only feel the sadness because it feels like i have upset all the people who loved me around me. they have been putting up high hope and have to pay the price. isn't it better that people take it easy, not wanting something so badly because everything is uncertain. inconsistent. it's in the hand of you know who.

so, i would say that it's not the only option. i am not hearing a death sentence today. when He closes the door, He will open a window for me. i know. i have faith. complete, indubitable faith.

this is probably the best insight and enlightenment on Wesak Day ever. first time i ever take note and put an effort to remember and comprehend the Day.

maybe, this is just another post of a sour grape story. maybe this is a blessing in disguise.

but, i know that i have nothing to lose. not getting a seat at USM is still acceptable because abundance opportunities still lie ahead. and when i failed those too, yeah, i will cry out loud then and move on again.

dilemma

i am having a tough time thinking that i might not be able to adhere to my resolution, that is to at least complete reading 50 variety of book by the end of this year. i haven't even hit 20 and it's already almost mid year. scream.

it kind of hit me that reading is such a luxurious hobby. i don't dare to do the calculation of how much i have spent on books. trying to do e-reading but i don't really enjoy it as much as i enjoy flipping pages by pages, lying cozily on the couch or bed, swaying into the fictitious world by the printed mesmerizing words. it's true that doing the e-reading is better in term of it saves money because so far everything's free thanks to the advance of internet. nonetheless, it pains the eyes by gluing the eyeballs on the flashing screen. besides, i don't have the energy to click on the keyboard or scroll around the mouse, following the cursor to get to the next line or pages. the point is that it's much more uncomfortable and making the whole experience of reading miserable. physically and mentally.

looking forwards to the next collection on my shelves.

besides, buying books is also kind of my painful, money-wasting collection. it's like some people enjoy collecting stems, bottles, cash, etecetra but i like making a wide collection of books of my favourite authors. some more, those meaningful, leaving great depth of thoughts from other great author that manage to impress me also secure some space on the shelves. i should start visiting those second-hand novel hut. as if there's one available here, in kelantan. tell me when you find one.

dying from boredom. decaying from idling.

take tomorrow

let me hear myself say HEY HEY HEY. all right, let me hear myself say HEY HEY HO.

i thought that today was supposed to be the day where i will keep on tossing and turning around in the bed, having several annoying butterflies to be killed and heartbeat pounding in ridiculous term. but it didn't happen according to my imagination and i would say it is quite a bless that it didn't happen that way.

in the evening, when i was just about to get my bath, i went o the room and saw several messages from friends stating that the result for the examination can now be checked. i was like wth?? seriously?? so, i asked my sis to get out of the way for a few minutes because i have important things to do. she's such a helpless addict to online games.

wow. i started to tremble. i could really see and feel myself shaking while typing out my ID and stuffs into the column. Damn. stating that i wasn't in the list. well, my wrong. i missed out a few numbers and just realized what a fool i was when my sis found my matric card from nowhere. VOILA!!!! shouting, giggling, jumping of joy! i get what i want. i am on cloud nine now!

the irony of the whole thing is that i thought i would have to go through a sleepless night (today) and flooding with wild obnoxious thoughts thinking about what would happen if everything falls apart. the irony of it is that i don't even have time to get anxious and anticipated for the whole event but just for a few seconds. the irony of it is that i don't get to do a wish list beforehand if i happen to get such a satisfying resuls.

Yay. i better start doing one now!

Omen

i have a bad feeling about everything.

i have been laughing a lot lately, i have been very happy, and i am showered with joy. where ever i go, whatever i touch, who ever i meet, i have been putting on a smile, laughing out loud about silly jokes and everything just seems so very funny that i could not suppress my annoying laughters.

and these bizarre excitement is so going to boil down to one crucial obnoxious event on this coming Tuesday(18th). my result. shit. i almost forget about it.

i thought i did pretty well, not really well but it was way way way better than the previous one in which i left half of the paper for Maths and Chemistry undone. Or, maybe i did write down things but hell yeah, i was sure that none of those was the answer. and voila! i get what i want but don't really think i deserve for something that i have no confident to answer at all.

and the second final examination was like way off better and it is kind of pleasing yet concerns me at the same freaking time. what if everyone else was doing better and everyone else are like scoring almost full marks leaving no blunders and mistakes? then, i am very sure that i will never be in that category and i won't be able to top the list.

bless me.

general

i thought that i am able to keep my i don't-give-a-damn feeling because i have been telling myself to stay carefree. it didn't really last.

before the break of dawn, Pup woke me and Mum sent me to the temple to do a little offering and get some blessing from the divine before i headed for the interview in the late afternoon. When the Master just finished his recitation of a chant that i was not really familiar with, all i could feel was an inexplainable feeling of calmness and peace. i suddenly felt so grateful and thankful and complete overwhelmed. Of course, i left still feeling blessed and thankful for everything and it is still within me, here and now.

then, i slept off the whole afternoon Pup woke me up again. i was shocked to find that it's almost time. Took some time for preparation and off we left for USM. and then Pup left. for the whole two hours there, i felt like an orphanage. the other candidates were accompanied by their family, willing to wait for them for the whole day and i had nobody there. Not that i care much but i had to left my bag for Weinie's mum because the officers kind of advice those with "big" and "heavy" bag to left it with their family as we are about to endure quite a distance to the tutorial rooms for interview. Well, there was seriously no time to feel shy and embarrass about meeting people, asking for a favour and all so i just braced myself and hand my damn bag to Aunty. Thanks a lot Aunt!

then, it was all about waiting. we are divided into several big groups and lead to the tutorial rooms to be interviewed at different time. The officer lead us along the quiet hallway and it reminds me of Children of Men, i don't know why. i guess it's due to the feeling that we were a bunch of people and we were heading somewhere foreign and we were anticipated of what lied ahead and to me, it would lead to nothing heaven or paradise but a long hour of questioning.

then, it was all waiting again. i started to feel anxious and nervous about the whole thing. Of course, i want to give my best because it's an open opportunity. i can't suppress it anymore as much as i want to. started to pray. it was finally me.

Well, there are two interviewers and surprisingly, only one was doing the questioning. Queer to me. The other, looking more professional and experienced, i presumed that it's because of his thick horn-rimmed glasses made me felt like he's more superior, sat there like a statue and barely even looking at my way, or even listening. i was pretty frustrated with that. Then, all the questions to me were rather general and expected than tricky and challenging. i would say that i am quite satisfy with everything but there were flaws too, of course. i speaked very limited national language and pardon me for that. i don't see it as a problem, it's just a little hard for me to put words together and voicing in on the spot. so, i guess i did badly for the answering in Malay sessions.

overall, i am pretty proud of myself today. able to endure the day without parents around like what the others have (leaving me feel like nobody cares for some time) and i am managed to answer without too much doubts and i can handle. yet, i feel different because it wasn't like how the others experienced. They have more challenging and interesting questions. Maybe, they don't even have the intention to test me so there are no point questioning me further.

oh, and i drove today! oh, it's okay to not secure a place! it's not the end of the world and the are a lot of advantages to study somewhere capital area. i seriously have been doing the thorough thinking.

should i give a damn?

i feel like i don't want to give a damn about the whole thing anymore.

a second thought crosses my mind for so many times and keeps me wondering.

it feels as if everything i have worked for and planned ahead are so going to fall out of its track, falling into pieces and it's probably due to my immature and less likely thorough thinking before making that vital decision.

i am so dead.

complication

i have been busy lately for there are a lot of troubles popping out after i get to know that i am one of the lucky applicants who get to be shortlisted for USM interview for medicine course.

first of all, i left my certificates for numerous examinations during matriculation which are needed for the coming interview at Aunt's house and thank God now the box with all the certificates and other documents are now safely returned to the land of Kelantan yesterday by bus service. it is really frustrating because i have once again troubled people, especially Aunt T.Malim and Momma and Mummy and everyone that cares.

next comes the endless anxiety for the interview because i am just so not a good speaker and i believe that i will not be able to perform well because i get freaked out so easily and i might not be able to answer the questions as well as other candidates. nonetheless, i will learn from my experience previously that is to do some thorough research and preparation for possible questions. well, should take everything easily because even i didn't get it, i think that i would eventually get other offers. it's not the only solution and option i have. think big.

truth be told, i could not hide my excitement and eagerness to get a place in the nation's top university. it will be a lie to admit that i am not upset if they are to reject me though there is a tiny piece of me finger-crossing that i would get a comfortable seat somewhere not here. anyway, i know that it is a must to strive for my best for this coming interview and the future is in my hand. wish me luck!

Gardening

One of the most progressing activity i have been doing recently, besides dwelling in my own fictitious world is probably gardening. i don't have a green finger but i believe that they will eventually grow out, healthily, before i yield them in the next couple of weeks. i ended up having sore fingers today.

and i finish my reading. yay. it gave an awesome sense of satisfaction. Nicolas never fail to impress me. i fall in love with him all over again.

need to go for a haircut.

A sequel

i only bought myself At First Sight in Penang and i treasured it a lot. my eyes were like sparkling in excitement when i laid my spot on it on the shelf in Popular bookstores at Queensbay Mall. it was a rare item. i mean, i have been trying to search for a bundle of Sparks' collection but to no avail. and i noticed that it was only recently when Sparks' latest novel-made-movie namely Dear John and The Last Song which had made a huge accomplishment just like his debut breakthrough, A Walk to Remember, The Notebook, Message in a Bottle and Night in Rodanthe, that all of his masterpieces are mushrooming all over the "prominent" bookstores throughout Malaysia. i am quite surprised to find a mountainously stacked Dear John and The Last Song on the bookshelves at Popular KB Mall. Well, opt for Dear John first and fall in love with him. though i am truly a huge fan of Nicholas, i would say that The Last Song is a little disappointment compare to his previous novels. it was still good but it is a little too long with a poor 'wow' effect but still 'wowed' me, sending those shivering jolts all over my engrossed body but it is so typical, too typical, so random. i would love to see a different approach. yet, still giving it a two thumbs up.

Apparently, At First Sight is a sequel to True Believer. Ahh. No wonder that i knew that i havent read AFS before and i know that it's the only one from Nicholas that i haven't read therefore i picked it up without hesitating after i scanned through his collection on the bookshelves along with The Wedding, A Walk to Remember and Dear John, just to name a few. As i began my reading, i feel that the characters are so darn familiar to me and i knew how the story progress in True Believer and these characters have been living in it. Then, more characters popped up and OMG, i turned it to the back cover and Voila!, mentioning of At First Sight is a continuos to True Believer. and i am so enjoying reading it.

i always try not to have a sneak peek of the synopsis of the story, if possible. it is like so wrong because it might tuned down the wow effects which will lead to me judging it as a not-so-impressive story but in fact it was but due to me knowing of how it would turned out, it becomes not so stunning already. i picked my books based on my sudden discovery of the famous authors through daily basis. after i got my first reading of his/her work, and if it managed to amaze me, i will definitely follow up on the next books of his/her.

i have been missing reading, feeling the grain of pages after pages and explore one after another of the most exciting fictitious moments ever under my engrossed mind.

Trip

As a sucker for food, i couldn't not love Penang. There are like so many to choose from and it's frustrating that my stomach couldn't fill up everything. it would be awesome to have a high efficiency of metabolism. Night walk is great! Scenery is totally breathtaking and my mood is overwhelmed with excitement. i wish to travel there again to keep up with other delicacies, never mind the pounds they are putting on me.

And i have been tired recently. Do seriously need to find something meaningful and progressive things to fill up my holidays. i want to learn about things!