A little bit longer

Aida, one of my room mates. She prayed a little longer than usual. Still believing in her faith and trying to find a sense of security and serenity in worshipping Him. i knew that she was among the most faithful and ardent devoter among the others. Perhaps, He has a better plan for her, perhaps, He just wants to test her endurance and her faith. i couldn't even comprehend what the hell had gone wrong with the world. She had shown so much enthusiasm in teaching and the country is lacking of educators and she didn't even could secure a chance since she has the 'leverage'?
it's disheartening to see her grieving over the missed opportunity. i could help her nothing. Not knowing what's the right words to say, i just blurted out things that people normally said when one's enduring failures. i hope that she'll feel better. i hope that she could find the courage to strieve for the better. i hope that she's not dejected anymore because it made me moody too.

Sunday was fun yet exhausting and it left us (Huiwoon, Jiening, Soohui and I) aching the following day (today) and maybe the following days. We teamed up as Seven along with another two Malay boys of Huiwoon's friend/classmates and joined Explorace organised by one of the club in KMPk. I had a field day. We all had a field day. The boys were really helpful. We'd completed all the task from cycling (my favourite routine ever ever since i failed the stupid and scary car testS!), cooking, dancing (silat and Malay traditional dance, with the cute moves), solving riddles(first time experiencing using the one and only lift at the college), acting(the whole time we had to be mad and everyone's really MAD) and fishing (almost killed two cute fishes). At the end of the day, although we did not win, but we're really satisfied with our performance and every participants received a super ugly mug. It would serve as a great memory in this place that we excruciated over so much everyday to get back home.

During Moral Studies, we got to see two devastating videos and i had to switched my frantic eyes away because i knew that i would cried if i continued to watch it. it reminded me of my Mum, it reminded me of my life, it reminded me of love. i want to go home.

Imminent Death

Death is imminent.

Michael Jackson dies. My father adores his music, i adore his music, and he dies, yesterday of heart complication or sort.

Weinie's grandfather died. i feel sick. i'm not a people person and i do not know how to confront whatsoever, what am i supposed to do? Seeing her sitting in front of me, inches away and deep down i know she's devastated. She's sad. She's sick. She's not okay. What was i supposed to do? i'm totally useless and i didn't even offer her any condolences, acting as if i don't care, oblivious and completely heartless.

i made a couple of phone calls to the people i love and care for. i just want to make sure that everyone's all right. it's aching. i felt my eyes wet and my heart sank. I have around less than a month away before i could get back home, to the place where i belong. i miss every single thing back home and with only the faintest memories i carried with me all this while, i manage to survive my challenging life here.

Michael Jackson's songs keep on being played on the radio. it brought me back to the good old times, travelling with my father and listened to MJ of all his masterpieces. it was truly a shocking news for me. At some point, i felt like i has lost my contact with another world. All i do is about taking care of myself, not knowing what's happening around. i didn't even realise that the outbreak of H1N1 was so severe and tremendous at the capital. i hope Aunt could take good care of herself and her family.

Imminent Death

Michael Jackson dies.

i was astonished to be acknowledged that MJ dies due to heart complication or sort. Abrupt. The radio kept on playing his all time greatest hits and i was drifted back to the good old time where i used to travel with my father listening to MJ and sing along.

Weinie's grandfather had passed away too. i felt sick. i didn't know how to confront her or anything for i'm not a people person. Although she's sitting just inches from me, i couldn't even summon the courage to offer my condolences. i knew that she's devastated, she's sad, she's not okay, she's sick too but i couldn't even take my obligation as a friend to confront her and be with her so that she's not alone in struggling through all the obstacles. i am totally helpless. i would really love to act as if i don't give a damn and it's not my problems and all but i face the torturing of facing her and wreck intensely inside like hell. i ain't oblivious but i just don't know how to start a conversation for fear that it would stimulate her tear reservoir again and i would be dead by then.

i made a couple of phone calls to the people i love and care for today just to make sure that everyone's okay. i was aching, trying to find words to phrase my sentences. i felt my heart sank over and over again and my eyes wet. i knew that my eyes had swollen for not having a good night sleep for a couple of days already and now, the hot and furious tears just made my eyes ached more.

i miss home. i want to go home. i want to go home to the place where i belong. i want to escape from the harsh reality and sleep the hell out of the day. i want to sink into the unconscious world and dream of all the celestial dreams.

What the hell is the meaning of life again?

May all the good fortunes fall to those who had returned to be with God because i believe that God love him/her more. Thus, we should cherish the great moment we still share with the alive-loved-ones because no matter how much tears and grief there are, death's irreversible but the memories are indelible. So let just him live in our heart and our memories ...

Bloody Blood

Biology Practical class has just became interesting when it involves the bloody blood.

i volunteered myself to prick my finger/s to do experiment on haemolysis, crenation and stuff. Bold.

it took me so long to summon the courage to do so because i fear of the pain that it would bring about. Oh well, it wasn't that bad though i let out a cried because it was a "zap". i mean it's like happening in just a split second that shocked me that my response was to let out an "ouch". Then, i discovered that i've succumbed to one unknown disease. i was short of blood. there's like nothing coming out from my finger and it's frustrating. i tried another hand, another finger. Nil. The other students were like having the bloody blood dripping from their fingers like the waterfall. The flow was constant. The reddish blood was thick, rusty and good. i was so frustrated with myself for not having enough supply of blood and i think that my blood circulation is severely disordered.

Then, my classmate, a boy, you know, boy, with the extra Y chromosomes, almost collapsed/faint during the practical classes. it happened in front of my very eyes. i wanted to help the teacher to carry him because teacher was struggling to held him but i just stood rooted to the ground. A lot of things were jostling inside my mind. i was considering about the do and don't in Islamic practice, that's, it's sort of "illegal" for a girl to touch a boy or vice versa. The teacher was calling for the boys back at the laboratory who were idly wandering around or sort to come forward to help him. They were like oblivious to what's happening around, so blur, so numb, so slow. The next minute they realised the real grave situation, they could still dawdle forwards and carried the boy with so much of grace. i was agape in astonishment for like 2-3 minutes.
Later, i found out that he wasn't afraid of blood, he wasn't haemophobia. He skipped his lunch and breakfast and yet still volunteer to "donate" his blood for the sake of the experiment. He was just too weak, vulnerable.

Later, i also found out that it wasn't illegal to touch the opposite gender if the intention is good.
i should have just lend out a helping hand. Felt totally helpless the whole astonishing-moments.
i'm totally eager to carry out Blood Test for the next experiment which would probably be conducted in the next semester.

Butterfly Kisses

 i was born to tell you i love you. 

 

 i had made two phone calls today to two special persons of my existence and they've made me what i am today.

 

 Happy Father's Day.

 

 i was listening to Butterfly Kisses on the radio. it made my heart truly sank listening to it on this special day and miles apart from the loved one. The lyrics and lines are so touching that i felt the jittery things crawling down my spines throughout my body again. 

 One of the main reason why i adore the Westerners so much is that they're not introverted as much as us-the Easterners. i long to utter 'i love you' for each conversation but i couldn't surmount the hardship that those three little words bring about.

 No wonder it took me so long to find "i love you" from reading Twilight. i think it appears in the following saga. i know that Edward loves Bella but i want to see the words. i want to see how Stephenie phrase it that made us (the avid reader) went oh oh. No wonder Chuck struggled to express his feelings towards Blair (although he's a man and a westerner and all that). 

 it's not easy, to phrase it. 

 i want to tell my Father and Daddy i love them so much but i couldn't do it as if there's a big lump in my throat that i fear this stupid lump would jump out of my mouth. i hope they know it by heart and my actions that i love them very very much.

 i hope that i could find the courage to do so. 

Birth Day

 Huidi's birthday was on 18th of June. She's 9 years old now, it's not as if i had forgotten her age by accident but it's just that i was so clueless that particular moment, and the only thing that popped up my mind at that moment was "Oh, how old are you now?"

 My faintest memory of Huidi's birth on 18th June of 2000 was that my brother and i went to school late with Daddy. Father had sent Mother to hospital for labour and i couldn't even fathom the process or the pain of it and everything was such a blur back then.

 We went to hospital in the evening, i think. And i saw this tiny little figure in the small plastic cubicle, looking so innocent and pure and peaceful, sleeping so soundly, not knowing of what the future would bring. 

 My mother. How was her back then? What did she look like? Why was she lying on the bed, with the frail body? 

 then my new life with a much much much more younger sister began after 9 wonderful years as the youngest. i had became the middle one and i found out that Nicholas Sparks was encountering the same problems as i was as the middle one. Does all the middle child experience the same freaking things too?

 i was thinking about the cycle of life so often nowadays. The Muslims believe in the apocalypse day, the judgement day. it would fall on friday as what they believe. The symptoms are so vividly observed now, more population of females, more people, especially youths indulged in crimes and stuff and unending, malicious wars. The other symptoms include the rising of sun from the west and all the other impossibilities that only God has the ultimate power to do so. They seemed to afraid of death so much because they don't know what would become of them. They are afraid of God and they are afraid of death and i on the other hand is curious of death. Does Buddhists believe in God? i pray to God too in my solitude. But, i thought that Buddhism emphasizes more of the teaching of nobility, of learning from the Buddha of His compassionate , His wisdom and His others than made us not even an inch closer in comparison to Him that made us timid and fragile. i'm so going to get answers for these questions one day soon.  

Apple

 Three weeks with my brother, Nicholas and Micah Sparks.

 

 i wonder when is the last time i'd spent three weeks with my brother. Meaningfully. 

 It was the first ever novel that made me shed my tears. it wasn't The Notebook, it wasn't A Walk To Remember, it wasn't Nights in Rodanthe, it wasn't Message in a Bottle. It was "Three Weeks with My Brother". it was probably the book was a memoir, a non-fiction, a true story, a reality, a reality that i fear and tried to escape and resort to reading fictions.

 The word 'Apple' had left such a bizarre impact on me. i felt my chest just burning intensely with every words that followed and just read across the lines with mixed feelings. i hardly catch my breath and tears started to swell up in my eyes. My heart shrink. The story of Nicholas' son, Ryan made me feel just sad and dejected. As an autistic kid, i'm sure that Nicholas and his wife, Catherine must have gone through much hardships in raising him. i respected both of them so very much as they made the bestest parents ever.

 Three weeks with my brother made me think more. i'm not sure how to put it into words because everything is so jumbled up in my mind. The book centres around the pursuing of true meaning of life, the irony of life, faith, future, hope, and the others that are making me started to have a better reflection of my own life.   

  

Burst

 It's weekend again. 

 Why i the hell is that in the 7 days of a week, we only get to have 2 days of weekend? i wish i have 3 days or more because i need more time to do my stuffs, my never ending stuffs that i want to do because i enjoy doing it and so i don't have to steal time from the other 5 days doing it like a desperate moron.

 My buddies and i went outing again. Well, not in a complete army.

 i enjoy outing so much that i could at least escape from this college. i like outing so much that i could have self-indulgence in all the good food because as a sucker for food since young, i sort of like have been developing insipidity towards FOOD since my stay here. i eat only because to fill the stomach, to fill the churning stomach not because to satisfy my craving for FOOD.

 

 i've among the longest and memorable chat with my Mother today. i just blurt out, in this sense, typed out what's been bugging me these few days which concern of my future, feeling and favour. After all the whining and bla and bla and bla, my Mother assumed that i am under severe pressure. Oh well. i do feel stress, i do show the symptoms of stress, for instance i feel like screaming my lungs out sometimes. i do feel stress not because of the studies, the unending studies, the hectic hours of studies but it's a stress as a result of i have lost an unforgiving time to do what i like to do. i don't even have time for hobbies now which is pathetic as i have to become a theft to steal time in the interval of hours of days to dwell myself in the fictitious world. However, i think that it's quite wise to conclude that the studies do make me stress because studies is a reality. My studies here is a reality. To escape from the pressure, i choose to indulge myself in the fictitious world. Novel, the word itself means strange and new.

 

Chuck

Yesterday, i bumped into someone whom i assumed had Ed Westwick's sexy eyes! it struck me that i miss watching Chuck so very much. The Season Finale of Gossip girl is so darn good. Chuck had finally said 'I LOVE YOU' to Blair! Quote from GG's blog, we can all die happy now.
i so need to get home as soon as possible to finish Season 2. i so need to get back home to watch House MD and Grey's Anatomy because i found out that they're my only booster and the biggest influence on me why i prefer to do medicine. it's not glamorous whatsoever but i just love to know the diseases, the sickness and the correct way to cure or prevent them because death is imminent. Moreover, it's a challenging career. Imagine, i had to solve the case of whatshername who'd got A,B,C symptoms but the diagnosis show normal readings of the suspected sickness. it's just so interesting. i'd then have to find other solutions to save her. i would have to solve the riddle, i'd have to seek a rational explanation and a logical thinking of what's affecting her condition.
Perhaps, i would just end up doing Pathology. Pathologist. Why oh why, something that i'd decided since i-couldn't-remember has become so indistinct now and i falter. Where oh where is the enthusiasm?

Colours

 Today is like the most happiest day among my monotonous life in KMPk. When was exactly the last time i get compliment and get over the moon about it?

 Oh well, i can't remember. i didn't even think all the compliments on me were sincere and genuine enough to make me felt grateful for that.

 i'm now a bold person and i'd performed quite well during my Biology presentation this morning. Kudos to me! it was probably i'd learnt my lessons from the very first Moral Studies presentation which was super dull. 

 Everyone gave me a loud applause and made me went oh-oh. Sir was kind enough to made such remark that i'm so far the best from the rest of my classmates. i'm truly grateful for not screwing up everything and i'm truly grateful for having several helpful classmates to assist me before my presentation and after presentation, for instance, helped me to stick up my super "colouful" and "packed" (with coloured-words) 'mahjong paper' and asked me questions after my presentation which was compulsory because marks would be allocated. i repaid each and everyone who had lend out their helping hands with a bottle of Yakult. Then i bought a new adhesive tape for whatshername because i'd used up quite a lot of hers.

 i felt like the world is so under control of me, like i could do anything in just a simple click. too exaggerating, i know. i just want to stress that i'm really really excited and happy. i even cracked a joke during my presentation and almost everyone laughed at it, well for those who got it...My topic was about Passive Transport. i'm really looking forward for new challenges ahead because all these obstacles would eventually made me a better person. i'd grown up  lot today! i'd proved to myself that i'm no longer a loser.

 By the way, i do need to polish up my English speaking skills. Someone who speaks fluent English do befriending me please. i seriously need a best friend in which we can complement each other very very well. i kept on pronouncing 'the' as 'd'. shitty tongue.

The Hardest Part

 The hardest part was leaving, leaving without a will to leave. Well, in my recent case, it's more like an abundance. 

  It just happened so naturally that my tear reservoir burst out in sudden after feeling a pang of devastation, having to separate from the loved ones. Then i thought to myself, it's better that they didn't come for visit because it left me ached so much that my heart almost burst out and i could die in hideous. Crying was exhausting.

 i've learnt the true meaning of undying and unconditional love. Mother-Daughter bond is like the most amazing thing God has ever created in this universe. i truly felt like my Mother loves me so very much that nothing else's matter in her life but me. it's so painful to see her tears, her grief and her sadness. The scene could really kill. 

 i love you too, Mother. As much as i long to be with you, i do comprehend that it's impossible that i'll inseparable from you for the rest of my life like i'm stuck to you or something. As much as i want to stuck together with you, i'll never grow up. i'll never become what you've always want me to be - a successful person with virtues and all. Every child has to leave their parents eventually because that's just the way life is. So, i accept the way it is.

 i know that there'll be more tears streaming down in the next future and sorry 'heart', my mind is so going to torture you again and let me warn you, the pain is agonizing and anguished. 

 i love you, Mother.

       

Breathe

Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

Hyperventilation is a must every single day as i'm enduring my life here. i was staying in the third floor and my hostel is the further from  the lectures halls, cafeterias, library and other buildings. Perspiration is unavoidable too. Third floor. Long distance walking. Weather. Super active sweat glands. i miss my carefree life at home! 

i'm delirious with joy that the ridiculous yet stressful Biology Quiz 1 had ended for good! At least, i could have decent dinner now as for the past few days, i had been eating whatever there's as long as it made me full and could concentrate on my studies without having to think of my empty stomach. Moreover, i could cut down on my caffeine intake.

i'm super excited that my family's coming and i could leave college for A WHILE! It's haunted as what i'd heard from rumors. it's quite spooky, but let me forget about the whole supernatural things for a few days because the big day's just around the corner. Yay! Keep on telling people how excited i am! it's beyond words...it's among the most anticipating thing i've ever waited for, keep on counting days, keep on praying that everything shall be fine, keep on waiting for the loved ones! 

There's quite a lot of thing had happened to me last few days. i was in the very first group to do Moral Studies' presentation and was totally freaked out. Luckily, i'd managed to endure everything and i think that i didn't screw up because i'd managed to deliver almost everything i'd prepared though i missed out quite a lot of things. i didn't really care whether people

were listening or not as long as the lecturer was there to evaluate me. Nonetheless, i know that my presentation was super dull, no interaction, no humor, just plain boring. Whatever. i'm done with it! 

i would love to give my salutation to Aathityaa for she's truly a capable leader. She's so good in every single thing. She's so full of confident, she could speak well, English, Malay, Mandarin, Tamil, a sprinkling of Hokkien and Cantonese probably. In addition, i think every single lecturers know her very well now for her multi-talent and brilliance. i adore her so much. A true leader and a very diligent student as well. Kudos to you Aathityaa for your success in securing the scholarships from Public Service Department. i think you really deserved it and good luck in your future undertakings.

More quizzes are following up the very next week but seriously, i need a break.