Monday Blue

i finally saw a silver lining behind the soaky dampen ferocious cloud after a few attempts of ignoring its vitality or rather its impact to me. it was delighting, to know, to have a slight of relief to know that i finally wouldn't be burden by all of those, at least for now. Damn public again.

This time, all credits go to male, boys. i was making a call again for an inquiry about my application for USM. The men behind the phone, with the most soothing voice ever, the manly convincing solid tone, made me fluttering. i guess they're the best operators around that they immediately get the heck of what i was enquiring, again with my limited Malay. They happened to make my day and i am really grateful and thankful and may all the goodness fall upon you guys because you guys just happen to help the most impudent child on earth ever and God bless you that beyond her impudence, there are still people like you guys that're willing to lend me the ears and a helping hand. It pleases God, by sacrifying yourselves. (A statement that i found meaningful in Language Lab a couple of weeks ago.) So, no offence to female, though i am one of them because i was just being frank, spoken to a few females before but they're sort of disappoiting, sort of blur, sort of make me stomach wrenching and i was just speechless that i lost of words, lost in thoughts that i wasn't even confidence enough to make any more calls as i'm so scared by being let down again. Thank God, it was bo-ooo-oy that picks up the phone this time and by just one ring, my problem is settled.

i couldn't wait for my parents' visit this weekend. they are bringing me for a holiday and go shopping and stuffs and most importantly, escape from this damn school. So not going to care about study anymore, going to put a halt and when i come back, i will strive again and continue and start everything all over again. Whee. this is exciting.

Today, i was doing the experimanet for blood test. i wasn't even ready, wasn't prepared at all ( Edward would have skipped classes at time like this). The picturing of the thin sharp lancet pierce through my middle finger was unbearable. Scared the hell out of me. i was struggling and people were like clustering around me, encouraging, watching timid me and i didn't even have space and time to feel embarassed over my cowardice because i was busy conquering my fear. I am confessing how selfish i was when i refused to brace myself for blood donation, twice. i am proud to say that i wasn't even embarassed to let people know how selfish i am because i really don't want to do it, for selfish sake, i am scared of the pain. Although those who'd gone through it was like flutering around of how unpainful it was, i didn't buy a word for that. So, i am selfish. Say, put this in reverse like if i was so in need of blood, say i have encountered an accident or something, i wouldn't surprise to know that i wouldn't even survive as nobody's donating their blood for me. Karma eh? Even tough i was ocked by friends of how self-conscious i was and how timid i was and how scummy i was, i don't really give a damn because i am scared that i get hurt. Back to the blood test, i did it at the end with the help of a few friends and there was this classmate who was like so professional that did it like magic. i didn't feel a pain at all and i was like so joyful. She was destined to be a nurse or doctor or something because she got great skills. Nonetheless, as curious as i was to know what is my blood group, my result was a failure because all the blood sample got stained and dissolve in water and every sample for testing with antiserum A, B got mingled together so i was left as an unknown.

Proceed. i would like to thank my dear Father for helping me to compose the following poem for a competition. This is so cheating but i don't really care. i am such a troublesome that so many parties were involved in delivering me the folllowing poem but the end result was that, the poem was really GOOD. Not that i want to show-off how great my dad is but i really think it was a superb piece of poem. So, i cheat. i hope i win anyway.

Written : December 14th

So, my parents came for visit and i had a whale of time shopping. Now that they're gone, i had to come back to reality and i don't even know how to start. What was i doing today? Completely lost, mind drifted into the far far away land.

i'd just completed my application into Public University and it wasn't an easy task at all. Filing in the particulars and stuffs made me trembled. It felt as if i was keying in my 100 millions dollars answer for something vague that i left it to God to decided what's my destiny.

Going back in a few minutes to study, yeah, study.... i just bought Sparks' The Rescue.

Written : December 21st

Where does all the missing things gone?

to a place called here. here, now, forever, yet to be found, lost in time; any of the possibilities.

i am so going to dig deep to captivate among the memorable events that have happened since...the end of november.

I have been spending nights after nights waiting for her return yet to no avail. sometimes, it feels as if she was still around, watching me, watching us. i knew that she is not coming back anymore. the day we parted, i shed my tears. i cherish our friendship, so much, too much. i like her the most because of her sincerity and kindness and i know that i am someone special to her too. She taught me of so many things, her religion, her belief, her stories and it makes me comprehend and enjoy life from a broader perspective. Then, as soon as i know all of those are not happening anymore, it was as if i will stop learning, growing, gather knowledge and i will become ignorant and illiterate. i do want to feel lifeless, envelop behind these four walls. That's when i burst into tears, that's when i know that i love her. i want her back because my life is sort of empty and meaningless withour her sharing a room of 4 walls with me. i never realise how important she was to me, until, she hugged me goodbye, and salam and exchange the very last sight of us together in front of room 29 and i closed the damn door, she went on her way and i never see her again. Oh, Aida, how i miss you so.

i have been selfish enough to pay hostile towards Ros and Gi-Ah. i was sort of livid, i guess. i feel like life is so unfair. i even doubt God, faith. Why did He arrange such a tough path for her? In my opinion, it is so unfair, so loathesome. She deserves better, the best. What the hell is wrong then? Did He have a better plan for her, Did He too have faith that she's the strongest of all to endure among the toughest plan He has for the followers? i doubt. Why now? Why such? Why her? Why not her? Oh God, please. i pray that You really know what you are doing and promise me to give her the best, the best that she deserves because she is the role model, the one, the decent one, the nicest one and the everything.

And till now, i am still improving. i have to be good. i have to be normal, again. They do notice of my sudden hostility, i guess. i do not beg for any forgiveness because frankly, i do it on purpose. It proved that i need Aida because only then, i will behave because she deserves the best from me. Without her, i lost my reflection. i am someone callous.

Complications.

I am so finally going to apply for university. Public University. This might sounds arrogant; i hate almost everything public, here. Take for example, if this is Japan, in the case of public transport, there would not be such a thought of how repulsive i am of anything “public” due to the inefficiency of the you-know-who. And guess what, i finally understand the views and whining i have been getting from the elders/parents/whoever before of how exasperated and disgusted it would turn out to “work” with those people who make up majority of the you-know-who. They make me, speechless, furious beyond word, drive me into tension and it was just so terrible. That is when i learn that sometimes, it is the best resort to work eveything on your own even if it means group work. How could they pay oblivion? How could they take it easy? How could they not complete their task? From them too, hah, i have eventually become a better leader. Thank you so very much. Even if they take credits from my efforts, i am doing just fine because He know better and i am happy.

Speaking of public, where oh where in the part of the world offer the most advance public education? US, UK, Japan, Singapore? Nothing private, public. Damn public. It is because it is here, here, that i despised being labelled (soon to be) by the whoever of being "inferior" graduating from a public university due to its poor academic performance, teaching, generation of professionals and the list goes on. Well, i guess i just have to accept it. No matter what the outcomes would be, nothing could be changed. What can i do? What can i contribute?

Complications.

I kind of screwed up my application into USM. i am still waiting, patiently, for Mum's call, for a reply, for a mail, for everything. i almost burst into tears in the morning just now because again, the school, let me down. How absurd it was for them to tell me that i am not allowed to make any calls to anyone/ destinations using the school's phone line? They always come out with idealism that i seemed like dumb enough to comprehend. The last few days, i was in Students Public Affair department to ask for permission to leave for the next weekend / "escape" from the school but they ask me the most profound question ever? What do you want to go home? i was like, what? What kind of question is that? Why can't i leave whenever i want? I wasn't even involve in any college activities next weekend. i want to leave to spend some qualities time with family. Do i even have to ask for your permission for that?

Then, i know that i am an adult already and i should be able to manage everything. i need to fix everything. i need to fix the problems. Shit. Making calls to USM and the operators/person in charge/ or whatever the post is on the line was having problems understanding my predicaments. Shit. My Malay speaking skill sucks like hell. i know. Then, she sort of asked for another one for "assistance". i conversed in English. Damn. She didn't seem to understand better. This time, it seemed as if they do not even know that there was such a things call the Online Application for Entrance into USM for postgraduate studies, from Matriculation, the line was open like 2 days ago. Okay. What the hell is wrong with people today? Speaking of public. Speaking of the advance of internet. Speaking of the you-know-who.

i was upset, pissed, down, furious, guilty. Wondering whether it's my own fault for some obscure errors that i had made in the morning of signing up the damn account. Maybe , God do not want me to continue my study there or i am not destined to be there. Maybe, it is karma.

Just finish consulting another "person in charge" with my limited Malay. She seemed more likely to know what the hell is happening around,, what is revolving me. Shit. It hit me that i wouldn't even get the offer even when my problem is solved and i get to sign up and everything because i am not meant to be.

Complication

i haven't been updating my blog for ages. great. i am quite a very busy person.

it seems that i survived 25th of November 2009 which previously was presumed to be my Doomsday. i took the quiz on Facebook the other on How would i die in 2012? and surprising/stupidly i survived too. Haha.

I should begin today's post with something huge and unforgettable that had happened in the morning during Chemistry Practical period. Huiwoon, accidently, broke the, thermometer, and, the mercury, the toxic, harmful, hazardous mercury, spilled out, scattered on the table and left us agape, startled, worried. i kept on asking her not to worry much because the lecturer seem calm. Kudos to her. The lab assistant put sulphur on the mercury to avoid further exposure of us and the rest of the classmates (which bound to be apathetic) to it and i think everything is okay. i guess that it wasn't as serious as we thought it was, from our accumulation of previous knowledge of how risky it is to be exposed to mercury because the lecturer and lab assistant seemed so cool about it. We vowed to be extremely careful and meticulous the next time and learnt from our mistakes. i hope that i am still as healthy as before.

Then, the next period, i was having Mathematics quiz. i screwed it up. it hit me like last second that i made a super huge error that there's no turning point anymore because i was so short of time. And now, i am agonizing over it. Trying to stay positive, focus and sensible by encouraging self. it will always remind me of being extra careful the next time. i should be happy to make that mistake so that i remember.

Mix-Tape

They say that Life is unfair. People always keep jealous of each other, people always trying to keep up with the jones, people is always greedy and we can't ever get enough and cherish what we have. Fortune, fame, wealth, luxury, beauty, and power. Does all that really matter?

i totally agree about the old saying. Likewise, though i am granted with everything that i own now and i know that it's permanent if i just keep appreciate it and be wise, i am never ever going to be fully satisfy because people are always greedy.

Growing up, i have learnt that everyone is granted with special things that i always tend to wonder why i don't have the same thing as they are. At the same time, i also learn that they don't have what i own and i know that nobody is ever going to take away that from me. i heard tales and i sense with my own sanity. i want to know more about people because those stories that i knew about them just made me grow stronger as it hinders me from being driven by the guilt and the devil to ask for more than what i have. It's like i was swimming inside a big ocean, knowing a little bit about every people that i have came across and they'll never know whenever i call for them, feel sympathy, feel happy for them and wishing to know more about them. They'll never hear my calling. It is actually quite a fair life to live. It depends on how we view life. Get on the right angle and everything is beautiful.

i know by heart that i have more than enough and God forbid that i ask for more. However, i couldn't fathom the real meanaing and reason behind all these miseries that He have arranged for me to endure. What's the point of all these? Is it a part of life that every one is compelled to have a piece of history, sad story, misery just as to equalised with the others so that nobody's superior from one another. We are just the same because we're living life. i wish to break the chain but i am so timid to even make my move, to make my first step. i am afraid of the futile outcome and put all those embarassment and more sorrow to myself.

Who are going to be there to hear my story? Who are going to be there to supprt me? Who are going to hear me crying and cry with me? Who are going to tell me to just move on? Who can guarantee me that i can live the rest of my life without feeling guilty, fear and angst? Who is going to secure me?

It occurs to me that people don't have to envy of others. People don't have to feel the agony that the whole unfairness thing bring about. People don't have to feel their life is a bullshit. People need to start to learn to appreciate. People need to start fighting for themselves. People need to be happy and not frowning all the time. People need to live life. The right way to do it, cheerish, be happy and enjoy. They could think of all those bad fortunes did have happened to them for plenty of uncountable reasons. If those adversities weren't put into testing their faith and strength, they aren't going to grow up. Of course there are people who are always lucky than the other. But do bear in mind that they ought to lack of certain vital element in life too. Sometimes, people wish for a swift, for a better life but what they do really have to know and understand is that they are living the life at its best just the way it is as they are. They need to work for a better way to improve life and enjoy the whole process and only then, it brings about the utter happiness and greatest achievement.

***

Pup used to tell me to not laughing out so loud for no solid reasons, to not be overwhelmed by excitement and engulfed in own laughters because i might encounter a super hideous and heartwreching event the next day or so. Pup forgot about a lot of things of the past ad totally understandable. I took it seriously for everything that he had taught and shared with me. Thank you Pup!

i have been laughing out loud so much lately. it feel really good, really great, really soothing. i love laughing. i loathe smiling. i think i have mental disorders. maybe there's too much dophamine, maybe, my body needs to reduce the production of those. i swear that i'm not under the influence of drug. i don't do drug except caffeine.

i hope to bring happiness to people and they too can laughing out loud with me because it is a really superb feeling. it feels like nothing else matter, it feel just so darn great. i wish that people are not irritated by my laughters which are totally loud and annoying.

***

One more week to go before i am about to endure one of the most depressing day of my life which happen to be a vital point of upturning or rather downturning(depends on the way of people judege it) in the pathway of my life too. So, i am choosing to be happy on 25th November 2009 because no matter what the outcome is, life has to go on. It gives me more time to ponder of my life, my priority and my happiness. Nonetheless, i know that i am carrying a burden of people's hope on me. i am offering my apologies if i am about to upset and dissapointed these people because i have tried my very best. it gives me a golden opportunity to prove to them that i am not what they think i am. i am just ordinary. Geez. The expectation can really drive me into a realm of inescapable tormentment.

i could go back home. i couldn't fathom why would people hate their home so much, unless those who were born in a problematic family of anguished abusement since young and having a bleak history of childhood that i would never ever comprehend how they feel, how they react, how they accept, how they strive and how they make through it. Home is the world's most priceless and precious place to be around and i wouldn't miss any opportunity to travel back because home is where i seek for refuge, a place in which i know that i am fully secured, a place so full of love and home is haven. i treasure every moment because time envies me spending time at home that it seems to tick faster than ever.

Most importantly, home is the only place in which i find a temporary escapism of my harsh and hectic life which is driving me insane as days passed.

Let have a brief update of the days i had been enduring since the beginning of second goddamn lifeless semester. i am taking Biology slows. Taking my own time to digest, killing time lecturing copying notes without having a goddamn sense to even try to understand what the hell had been joted down. Copy, copy and copy. Time was spent exasparating over getting a new lousy temporary lecturer that i find her having her career as a Biology lecturer is a total failure to her and eveything she put up all the while is vain. i kep on whining instead of choosing to tolerate. Serve me right. Chemistry is the period i like the most. i can't stop giggling because my lecturer is having a quite poor pronounciation in English but i still like her the best because she's using English medium for teaching. Yay! i am aware of my impudence and my inappropriate behaviour but it is very funny. Then, the lesson is interesting. As time passed, i found myself able to adapt to her teaching using the very-funny-English-pronounciation and cut down on my giggling moments and volume. Still, it was anticipating to discover new words that she will pronounce funnily. Next, Mathematics is drving me insane like always. Lecturer sucks, working sucks, contents blur, number made my head spin.

So far, everything is just so sucks and unbearable since the starting of second semester except that i get to be in the same class with Woon and we get along so well and i'm constantly lonely by her absence. She makes me laugh so hard and she makes everything okay. Next, SPOTTED! The bestest hotty around, a 'ketupat'! i swear that those 'bakchangs' are so going to turn sour and they're not even tasteful anymore!

***

The previous post was written yesterday. Today, i had a totally different view of people attitude towards going back home. It proves that people just keep on changing, having different view everyday, keep on absorbing knowledge and experience and come up with the best of all. It's called growing up.

There are people who rather choose to not go home because they claimed that it burns the hole in their pockets. i believe that they are still missing their loved ones but it's quite an unaffordable journey and not so worth with such limited time. then comes the hardest part of all;parting. So, how would i judge them? i am just so lucky.

New Moon is going to be on cinema next week! Damn. Cinema is needed in Kelantan wehhh! i am still with Edward though jacob is quite tempting. =]

Judgement

Sometimes, i wish that the journey is a never-ending whenever i'm traveling on the road. it just seems so right to just stare out wide to whatever that is offering by the nature that have been shielded between the window seats. It just seems so right to let the thoughts drifted away into a subconcious mind and dream of the imposibilities, the celestial future, the everything else that brings comfort and forcing self to not concern much of the sorrow and tense. But, there's always a destination. There's always a stop. And with that, i just have to step down and brace the present and wait anxiously for another ride.

Yesterday, i went for movie with friends. 2012. Meeting up with Lilian, Peichin and Yitxin and totally grateful that they're there earlier to make the day an unforgettable one and made the plan worked. Totally absorbed by it. Just the kind of movie i have always learn to love;nerve-wracking, a sprinkling of touching scenes that made tears drop, occasion humor that made a smile is crafted on the face which sooth the soul, or sometimes burst out loughing out loud and yeah of course hot guys!

So, there have been a lot of thinkings jostling in my mind lately and yesterday just made everything heavier. Though, i have came to bear with it. There are questions that nobody seems to be able to answer or probably it is me solely who doesn't know who to seek for refuge and help and solid, convincing answer. Next, those hidden dejected and confusion feeling that no one seems to be able to share with me and comprehend. Then, i am constantly lost.

Ever since coming back from semester break, i am not sure what the hell i was doing with my own life here. Everything falters, enthusiasms fade, pathos grows, inconsistency follows.

i know very well that one of the priority in my life is to be devoted to my parents. i always think of them first before God, i don't know why, though i know that God is considerably the main reason that i am here, now, for real, alive. He is my Creator after all. and then came my family, friends follow next whom i have learnt to love every single day during my endurance here, especially Woon. Ha Ha. She always made me laugh out loud and she's so damn funny and i like that a lot. She was there when i was sad, when i was in trouble and make me happy. i like that a lot. Woon is funny, funny, funny! Never fails to make my day.

So, my parents, who have always been my driving force whenever i was down are among the reasons why i am doing what i am doing. it's just feel so divine to make them happy and be proud of me and to hear them uttering i am their greatest happiness/achievement through their significant laughters and adorably smiles. It's so irresistable. It's like i yearn for more and more because it pleased me too to please them. Mutual merriment.

Then, i have my own dream too. i want to challenge myself and i want to find answer and solution to my curiousity and satisfy my interest. As days passed, i am not even sure of my capability. Maybe, it's a false alarm. Oh God, where's this dark tunnel leading me again? When can i be so sure of what i am to become. Through determinations, hardworking and all, as much as i want to fervently believe i can vie for the outstanding achievement ever, there's still a tiny creature (developing as time passes) inside that keeps on persuading me to seek for a way out of this uncertainty because it seems to bring more hope and hell yeah, as soon as i step out, it is just the right track ever that only a few ever find themselves discover in ages. Should i?

Growing up, still. i am not sure of what have became to all those solid and concrete decision that i once so sure of heading towards it no matter whatever predicaments it would bring about. i feel sorry for myself, not because that i have lose faith completely but it's just that i am too naïve to make up those at such tender age. Enduring the real world, bracing all those staggering adversities made me feel stupid, immature and vain. Maybe i am something else. Just maybe if only i try to take a diversion. It's my life after all and people should understand that if they care, they want me to be happy.

Great. i have another 5 months to endure. It's so sickening.

A New Start

So, i am back in KMPk. MUET is over and i'm quite satisfied if everything doesn't go wrong.

I am happy and excited because i am same class with Huiwoon. Muahahahahaha. it was so darn unbelievable because we're like best friend and we're neighbours and we have so much in common. it's so great because i'm not alone anymore in the mundane class.

i was just my English lesson just now and i have a new English teacher, Miss Lim. I super love her accent, the way she speaks, it's so intriguing. i wished to learn more from her.

everything has gone so great so far and i totally love my new start though still waiting anxiously and impatiently for the next holidays.

Shit. Kelantan lost to Negeri Sembilan in the football match. Heart-wrenching!

My Bailey

It's Leewen aka Ah Beh's 18th birthday.

The yesterday, Sockhoon, Beh and I already met up at Noodle Station. We ate, we chatted, we laughed and i had a whale of time with them.

i missed everyone so much. It has been a year i haven't meet up with Sockhoon and i'm glad that we're still friend. i wished her good luck in her future undertakings and i'm looking forward to see her again because i owe her a meal. Next time, the treat is on me.

Next, although i haven't meet Beh for months, i felt like i've known her for a lifetime and she was always there and we're never parted before. We got so much to talk about and Beh is still the same Beh. She's funny due to her unashamed self-consciousness and i've learnt to love it very much. it's among the the thing i adore about Beh, having so much of self confidence which i obviously lack of and i really miss her.

Going back to college soon and i miss home already.

It starts with...

Blogging.

Everyone starts to take interest in my life particularly those segments which involve boy who becomes of my interest aka crush. The bottom line is, my lips are sealed. i ain't telling anyone who but i'm inscribing down the pathway of my life that i've taken and chosen and gone through so that when i looked back 10 or 30 years if that's in God's will, i would feel that my life is quite fun, flirty, sneaky and exciting. it didn't bother me much whether i would still remember that particular person or not but the events that had taken place and making me to become what i am in my future are more vital. Anyway, i had gotten over those things, him, and i'm good to go.

i started blogging because it's actually a very effective way for me to develop my creativity, to enhance my writing skill, to express my thoughts and also to eternalize my history. i could do it privately instead of doing it publicly aka blogging but i would like to share with people too. Of course, there's certain limitation that i've set because i would love to just keep it like that. Then, i would like to share my story, the tales i known so that we'd appreciate, so that we could learn something, so that we could get a good grasp of life, so that one day, we found ourselves. Then, blogging is my remedy to overcome my stress, to capture articles by articles of happy memories and events so that i know, always keep in mind that i've once been so happy and lively and the momentum will just keep running, irrevocably. Next, life is never a bed of roses. There are sadness, agony and all. Well, i am just a normal being too. Then, if people see all this sadness, they would know that they have nothing to envy because i have sad moments too. i, on the other hand, would learn from all those devastations and pulled through everything and moved on because that's the way life is. Then, i would not feel bad about myself for all those lucky and happy things that i own because i know that they come with miseries and they're malicious and they're vicious. Then, i just moved on. i want to be happy, always.

Actually, my biggest dream is that my Mum could see who i am. They said that Mothers known their children the most. Two thumbs up for that.

Mimi was asking whether i was seeing anyone. Crap. i was like what?! what's that?! She answered that she knew i wasn't and she was guessing Brother is. Great. Mum really knows me.

Nonetheless, i know that Mum doesn't know everything about me. i want her to be a part of me, i want her to live with me, i want her to know me, better, the best. As close as Mum and i getting along, there's still gap, there's still certain part that i dare not allow my Mum to step in because i'm shy and afraid of God knows what. Still, Mum is my best friend, lover and Mother.

i hope that maybe just one day, Mum would know all these things about me, how i'd grown up to be what i am going to be in the future. All those good and bad things that'd befallen me and strengthen me, assist me, to become what i am to become. Then, she would know that i love her very much, though she knows it already, by heart.

Time-traveled

i've been stalking this one particular person for quite some time.

i couldn't remember how i come to know her presence but since then, i'm so caught up with her. i would visit her blog every now and then just to see what's up with her and i'd gather some vital informations about her.

She's of my age, studying in matriculation Kedah, staying in Shah Alam, i think it's the same area as my Aunt. She loves reading and ballet.

A couple of days ago, she posted about The Time Traveler's Wife. i was like so stunned because i'm reading it too. Then it hit me. i think we could be friends, i'm not going to add her in Facebook and introduce myself and all but i just want to play a game.

i feel like i might, just might, have a chance to get to know her in future, if that's in God's will.

How magical would that be eh?

Then, i'm going to tell her that i've been stalking on her, i mean, i have known her all this while. Eager to know how would she react. This is going to be fun!

The Longest Ride

It was the longest ride i had ever taken of traveling back to Grandma in my history of Journey To Meet Grand. I didn't realise that the 45 minutes ride, probably 50km journey from home to Grandma was that long. it had always been so carefree, so lively, so don't-have-to-do-anything- just-enjoy-the-views-and-appreciate-Mother's Nature but when i was the driver, FOCUS, CONCENTRATION, CALM and ALERT were all i had to take note and that summed up to be EXHAUSTION.

I hadn't go for driving for ages. Everything they taught in driving school is bullshit.

i am so darn stupid to not even know how to manage gear 1. If i started out perfectly, and there's no traffic lights or anything that need my effort to come to a halt before i continue again, i was doing just fine, really fine. Then, if i were to bring to a hiatus, millions thanks to the traffic lights or T-junctions or whatever they were, i'm so dead. Dig a hole for me so that i could stuck my head in. i made a fool of myself. Glad to make the people around happy.

So, i was so frustrated and exasperated with myself that i'm so damn useless. Even tough Daddy keeps on guiding me, i just don't have faith in myself and i'm utterly confident that the engine's going to shut down as i was working my ass off to maneuver the car. Damn.

Going home, Pup teach me again. Then, same thing. i proved nothing again. i was so upset and wanted to give up because there's still a magnificent invention of Automatic car. Nonetheless, i really want to overcome my fear and excel in my driving skill, manually.

Coming to Tanah Merah, Daddy brought me to have a ride again. Practicing. OMG. i couldn't believe it myself. i try to put things together, trying to figure things out, mesmerizing Pup's words, his teaching and stuffs, and Daddy's words too and there i went. i manage it. OMG. The engine did not shut the hell down at all. Practice makes perfect, have a little faith, confidence and technique, it brings success.

The half an hour just now was my bestest and happiest moments ever for today and should be remembered for the rest of my life because nothing is impossible. =] Hooray!

Speaking of my low self-esteem, i think, it'll stuck with me for the rest of my life. i don't like to take responsibility, i don't want to oblige to anything, i just don't have confidence to do big things and also things that i'd tried like a million times yet still fail to excel in it, so i would just give up and want to get over it but there's still something in me that's demanding myself to try even harder.

However, i'm now making a snapshot of my success so that the next time when i'm down, i will have this note to serve as my booster and to tell myself to not give up because 'if i think i can, i can' (applies to certain conditions only).

When i was enduring my study week, a couple of weeks ago, it bugged me so much that i cried out of disappointment and also as a mean to release my tension by letting the tears rolled down my cheeks because i just didn't get Chemistry right. The tears had enclosed my fear, my tense, my idiocy, my illiterate, my dismay, my angst, my helplessness, my hopelessness, my love. Crying as if i was about to choke to death. Doing the past year questions, some more having the answer scheme printed out perfectly with me though never to expect everything was right and just had to bear with it that some were missing. Enough said. What can i expect right? We're all grown ups and stuffs and stuffs, they're not having the same way of education system like secondary school right? Damn, i miss Mr Wong Kam Meng so much.

So, before the crying part, (i'm proud to declare that i cried of stress. Why should i keep it as a secret? i'm just a normal girl, a commoner, an ordinary) i went to consult my Chemistry lecturer. it did take a lot of courage to see her because apparently, i didn't even know what to ask, where should i begin. Moreover, i was so ashamed. Why did the others seem to have no problems with their Chemistry at all? i braced myself though. The saying had it that "Those who are shy to ask for directions always get lost"/Malu bertanya sesat jalan.

She broke my heart, scattered to thousands of coward fragments. She let my innocent spirit falter, freed to the Far Far Away Land . Yet, she made me understand. i repented. She was paying oblivion and indifferent to my doubts, my inquiries, my everything, my presence. She claimed that whatever the hell that i was to ask was in the precious notes she'd slogged over the nights working her asses off to prepare and just reluctant to even see what i want to show/ask her. The theory wasn't even in the syllabus anymore but those were from past year questions and this little want-to-know-everything drama queen just want to comprehend how the hell to get the answer, just in case. i was even more exasperated but i kept it cool. i wasn't livid but just disappointed with myself even more because i wish that i were a genius, i wish i were Kyle.

Damn.

Did she know how impertinent she was? i used to respect and like her but her actions and attitudes that freaking day were just plain vain and she bears no respects from me. i didn't even care for the belief that the students should get blessing and give thanks to their teachers and all that in order to excel in the examinations or sort. However, here is my list of my gratitude. Thanks to you Madam, i've learnt that i can count on myself to achieve my goals. Thanks to you too, i'd realize that for the past several months, the achievements and success i made were solely of my own efforts. My sleepless nights, my sweats, my burns, my agony, my pain, my hard work and the others. All of them because i'd worked it off sincerely, diligently and whole-heartedly. Of course, thanks to your lessons too, thanks to you that my relationship with Jiening got better and we had a whole lot of topics to chat about in order to keep us awake in your lectures. Thanks to you. Thanks to your notes. Thanks to your advices. Thanks to your brief lecturing. Thanks to you for becoming my Chemistry lecturer for Semester 1. You are a great force for me to strive harder too. Thanks to you for breaking my fragile little heart and eventually i'd learnt. i'd grown up. i understood better. i see thing differently as it widen my horizon.

That's why i cried. Crying out loud.

Mum was Great. She is Love. i don't know what or which word/s is/are suitable to describe her. My love for her, what she means to me. She means too much, so much. i just had to cry for her. Although i'd said this a bizillion times, i'm not tired of repeating it again,"I LOVE YOU MUMMY!" Her words and advices and support and faith in me are still echoing so celestially in my mind till today. "Mummy believes in you. Mummy has faith in you. Mummy knows you can do it. Mummy knows. Mummy loves you and everything and everything." i cried. i put the phone away from my ears just to hide my sadness. i was choking so severely in my futile attempt to suppress my devastation. i didn't want Mimi to hear me sobbing and crying because i didn't want to make her sad too and worried her but i failed miserably. Something ran through my mind and i had to tell her. i must. So there i go. i didn't even know if i ever am able to be a doctor, a successful , a good, a qualified doctor anymore. i was lost.

The next few days, i kept on getting moral supports and faith and strength from my Mother. She caught back my spirit from the Far Far Away Land. She sew my heart back into its decent shape little by little, pieces by pieces. Finally, i was healed. And Pup was catching up. i knew he cared about me too. PUP I LOVE YOU! i knew that i'm you, you're me. We're alike. We love each other. We care. We worried. We love. We just don't know how to express it. Therefore, it's okay. Remember, i'm you. i knew what you are thinking, what you want to say to me, what's inside you. I LOVE YOU. i want you to know that there wasthis one day that i missed you so much. When i miss you, i remember of my childhood with you and brother in it. The history began to framed up in my mind. Yes in black and white. It's like watching classic movie. i love to remember you that way. i don't know why. Then, your jokes, your laughters, your artistic skills, your words, you lessons to me and the others. i remembered it, not all, i wish i could. i'm sorry for feeling this way but i think of all your children, you love me the most. Shit. What was i thinking right? i promised to never give up. i will try my best. i'm sorry for making everyone sad and worry.

For hours, i tried to solve the riddles. Voila! Out of my angst, i found things better. i found my answer and my goddamn annoying curiosity paid off, with a great price. I remembered this so well. (Kw=Ka*Kb) Something to do with salt and acid and base and stuffs. i have forgotten the whole things but i remembered the K things, the equation. Okay. i moved on. I knew the whole damn stupid concept better and i moved on. i had to waste no time. Speaking of time, i wish i could buy more time, especially from my room mate. My dear room mate. i love her but i wish she could work hard to accomplish her dream. Watching her slobbing around wasn't going to bear any good results unless she had superpower or something. Watching her made me livid. Furious. i wished to buy her time. i wished my life was easy, like her. i wished i care less but Thank God i care a LOT, a hell LOT.

Then, i was nothing. i was healed. Although i was lost, i knew that i had to do my best under whatever circumstances because i didn't want to live in grief and regret. i paced myself steadily into my battlefield. i had to do it, either putting my best foot forwards or stood rooted. Of course, i choose the former one.

Then, i think i won. i won. i won because i had strive for my bestest ever and i knew that i would have no regret.

p/s The Kw=Ka*Kb thing was in the exam i think. i tried to do it my way though the outcome could be a big disappointment. Perhaps, it would be given bonus marks or something because it wasn't in the syllabus anymore.

The Little Nyonya

Television is broadcasting The Little Nyonya, soap opera that Momma and Daddy like so much.

i'm watching it all over again. Surprisingly, i could feel tears in my frantic eyes and deeply moved by the play. It's so heart-rending that i'm sad. Two thumbs up to the actors, actresses, script writer/s, producer, director and the other crews who made the show a success. i'm frustrated that i can't watch it when i get back to college. Hello? Tv room is there and crowded. And the picture quality is kind of sucks i think. i'm thinking of borrowing from Momma. =/

Time flies. A week is gone. Puffft. Just like that, magic. What had i been doing for the past one week? Had a sojourn in Grandma, take a walk in the city, reading, watching GG, Google-ing, Facebooking, Youube-ing etc. i love this kind of life, although it's boring in the long run yet, i wouldn't miss it for the world. It's hell lot better than to go back to college, to go back to my dorm, to stay in my "claustrophobic" room (though it's larger than my bedroom), to converse in Malay, to eat the cafeteria-fattening-and-expensive-and-bring-homesickness food (though i started to enjoy it when i discovered the sambal belacan complemented the deep fried keli fish so darn well), to answer the nature's calling in the filthy and smelly toilet, to shower in the tiny little bathroom with the icy cold water, to study, to everything. i'm just sick of those.

Second semester is about to start. Exhausted. Tired just to mention Semester 2, i'm not even enduring it yet. it's so going to be a hell lot tougher and troublesome and tiring and 'nauseating'. Alas!!! i almost forgot about my MUET test. Shit. i think i screwed up my speaking test.

Gossip

• i'm quoting from Vanessa's Mother, Gabriella Abrams , " My husband and I do not believe in private universities. Education should not be sold. " ...... Uh-huh. That's cool.
• Seriously having a super huge crush on CHUCK BASS/Ed Westwick since forever. Gosh. He's the main cause of global warming. He's my personal brand of Heroine. I could not help it but to watch him everyday.
• I'm so deadly wrong about Season 3. " The Chuck-Blair dynamic is going to be a real through line this season. " ...... Uh-huh. i get that. it's cool. it's the best thing ever. i can watch GG for forever. Damn. If i meet my Chuck, well, someday maybe, hopefully, i'll be very very truthfully genuinely grateful and thankful and everything and die happily.
• 
  
• ... it's better to be extremely happy for a short while, even if you lose it, than to be just okay for your whole life? ... Clare Abshire or rather Audrey Niffenegger
• Kings of Leons - Use Somebody.
• The Script - The Man Who Can't Be Moved.
• i can't believe that Brother digs GG too. This is great. Arguing about the hottest ever character. Definitely CHUCK BASS! =p
• ... take every moment, you know that you own them, it's all up to you to do whatever you choose....live like you're dying, and never stop trying, it's all you can do, use what's been given to you....live like you're dying, and never stop trying.....it's all up to you, use what's been given to you.... Live like you're dying - Lenka

Dear Ex-es

Facebook helps me to stay connected with my ex-classmates. it's not just of those from my secondary school but also those from kindergarden and primary school. The latter is more important to me.

The faces. Familiar. Mysterious. Obscure. How is life guys and girls? Remember me?

i wonder what is their faintest memory/ies of me. Nerd. Overachiever. Arrogant. Selfish. Geek. And yeah, they'd gone so beautiful over the years. i envied that. i envied time. i want to know them. i want to meet them. Photographs are never enough. They will look more beautiful in real life. And for boys. Geez. Never fond of boy. Never stay close to any. Not that i remember any except for some whom i had to help with homework i guess. Oh. And my childhood crushes. Yeah. Crush-es. i was stupid back then. i choose to be stupid. Why the hell are they messing up my feeling? Why the hell that i got crush on them?

Primary school had been fun. Firstly, i got to go to school with Koko. Yippie! Koko was so darn cute in his younger days. He was my friend at school. He was my Brother. He played with me. He made me smiles a lot. He brought laughters. He made me happy. We were together and i like that a lot. i miss him. i envied time. Can i travel to the past? At least let me have a few glimpses of how happy i was back then so that i don't have to constantly crack up my almost-burst out mind to reminiscence my happy moments. i promised to stand rooted to the ground without trying a single chance to try to alter anything and mess up the time capsule.

Then, everything changed.

So, my ex-classmates. How are you? i hope that you guys are in the pink of health. i want to someday have a big gathering and we can meet up. Talk about life, talk about anything because we'd once been brought together, because you guys had once came across my life, because you guys had once made me happy, because we'd shared a piece of history together, because we'd once breath in the same air, because you guys had been imprinted in my mind. And that's for a lifetime.

Primary school was fun because primary school was easy. We are children. We are innocent. We are happy. We are the angels. We are ignorant. Yeah. Ignorance is bliss. Then, i am sorry. i could not fathom why was i treating this particularly someone, Vivienne, obnoxiously. i'd sinned towards her. i remembered that i was influenced by people. I'm not sure that me and that 'people' are still friends or what. Last time i heard was that she's doing beauty care or something. She's smart but wasted. She could do better.

Then, i received a message from Vivienne stating that she's happy to see me on Facebook. Oh God. That was among the most meaningful things that had ever happened upon me. i'm so touched and moved to see that yet still hit by a pang of remorse, as always when she's brought as subject. She had probably forget how impertinent i was to her back then. She had forgiven me. She is my friend. She accepted me as friend. Life is great. i love my life. i have to love my life.

Next, SiewRyin is in UNITEN. She looks sweet now, with her long silky hair. She's doing Electrical Power Engineering or sort. Dang. Reading/Typing/Pronouncing it was hard. Electric and power some more. i bet that studying it was beyond complicated. i shuddered. i never like anything to do with engineering, physics, mathematics. They made my head spins. i wish her the best of luck. She's following her father's footsteps. i am sure she'll be successful in life if she's determined and work hard for it. God helps those who help themselves.

Next. LeeYean and the other unknowns are doing Form 6. Her nickname was "Lakso". Something to do with her surname. i remembered Koko's friend had a crush on her. i wish her all the best in her future undertakings too and the others. She's beautiful too. As i browsed through Vivienne's pictures just now, i think they both look a hell lot alike. Big sparking eyes and they just make men drool. i drool. i bet men flutter at the sight of them. Two thumbs up. BEAUTIFUL. beyond words.

And the boys. i couldn't find much boys on Facebook. Just a couple of them. i hope to treasure more.

And this is me. 18.

Holding on

Today i went to collect bird nests with Pup. Then, i got my stupid annoying money-costing

caller ringtone package cancelled. Voila!

This was the first time i went with Pup. The best thing about going with Pup is that he was swift, careful and strong. Thus, he made my job easier than usual when i was with Mum.

i think of my Father as my Superhero, my Superman. He makes everything seems easy. Among the conspicuous things i took note today was that he makes driving easy. He makes parking a big car easy. He carried the steel ladder like it was book with one hand. He pays the bill. He drove me to where i want to go. And he was so cool about everything. i love Pup.

Then, i spent my day watching Eric Bana and Ed Westwick.

Eric Bana starred as Henry DeTamble in The Time Traveler's Wife. Rachel McAdams was Clare Abshire. They are both so good together. Eric made me fluttering, i got those little things creeping all over me when my eyes laid on him on the screen and Rachel is so CUTE and BEAUTIFUL! i haven't finish reading and haven't finish watching, just a few plays of the alluring trailer. It keeps me thinking. If i can time travel, will it be a curse or a gift? If i can change the past, how would my life change? Better, happier, merrier or worse? Anyway, i 'choose' to be contented with what i have now.

Ed Westwick/Chuck Bass. SWOON! Never fails to make me go oh-oh. He was my favourite character! His relationship with Blair is sweet yet odd in its own obscure way. They sort of having a little role play in order to keep their relationship stable. Kind of absurd but whatever. CHair/BLuck is the bestest ever. i love watching them. Struggling through two seasons and finally they're together. Nonetheless, i think there's so going to be something fishy in the third season because that's the only way to keep the show going right?

DEAR JOHN

Inconsistent

I went for driving and love it when i hit 80km/h. All the way from Tanah Merah to Jeram Linang. Daddy said i almost reached Terengganu. My best score so far because if i try even harder, i might crash. Driving is fun, only with a decent car. Decent as in new, classy and swift. i hate it so much when the others are overtaking me. it was a sense of humiliation. i could hear them saying, Hey there Kiddo, you're slow. Got to go!

Then, i was so dumb that i stuck at traffic light not once but several times. I love Manual but Automatic will come into rescue for moments like that. i knew that eyes were staring at me and the drivers at the back had to take diversion and i'm genuinely offering my apologies and i swear that i'll never mock at new learners in future because i myself was once like them.

These few days, i discovered new things, knowledge, information and experience. i'm inconsistent. i choose to become an avid online games addict. i was happy that i was so absorbed into games. Then, i discovered that in the long run, means 2-3 hours, they bored me. i was once a game addict, then i quitted. It so easy for me because i sucked at games. Furthermore, although it pleased me, it's none long-lasting and then i found me asking myself what's the point of all these? It just made my head spins.

Why did everyone have to come into conclusion that i'm so going to be a future doctor? They never take it serious when i tell them that i don't want to be what i once want to be anymore. Perhaps, they think i'm joking, i lost my mind and i wasn't having the severe-look as i constantly showed up my happy-go-lucky expression. Frankly, i wasn't even sure what i want to do with myself anymore. i have a life to live and i want to live it happily, decently and with no regrets. However, it's too late now. i have this one super GREAT regret, though there are many more minor one, that it'll haunt me till Death comes and swipes it away. Therefore, enough with that one, i don't need another to add into my list of "why i need to travel back in time".

Touching on that GREAT regret, i didn't realised how great its impact is on me until the other day when i opened up to Huiwoon. My tears just poured out of my firing eyes and streamed down my cheeks as i blurted out to her my greatest predicament in life. It was painful. i don't even want to talk about it at first because nobody will understand but i think Woon understands it eventually. My chest were burning, it was so darn devastating. I had been carrying along grief, regret and sorrow with me for what seems like a century. That was my sad story. Everyone has their own story and that's mine.

Inconsistency. i think that i have got over Him. i don't know what am i supposed to feel? Happy? Sad? i hope that when i see Him next time, he will not leave me in that indescribable excitement anymore because he doesn't worth it and i don't worth it too, we are just not meant to be. It doesn't have to always be him to give me my source of inspiration and encouragement. It's so odd. The more i now about someone, the more i feel like hating that specific someone. i guess i'm just one of those perfectionists. i want everything to work out the way i want it to be, everything that i think needs to be perfect in my own way. Of course, i know that i can't change a person by just a snap of fingers. So, just get over it and be happy. i have a life to live!

My supposedly happily ever after Holidays...

...turn out to be not-so-happy after all.

Can someone please fix the damn telephone line?

Can someone please oblige to your damn job?

Can someone please ...... just please....pull me out of my agony?

Can the cable thieves..... please please please.... just don't steal the telephone line anymore at least not those connected to my house one?

It has been days that my parents last lodged the report to the so-called authorities and yet no proper actions has been taken. i was living in agony. i need to get access to the internet! And now, i am in KFC, and i find myself never ever want to go back home. Hah. How irony it turns out to be eh?

I had been spending my time at home.....READING. Yeah. Reading stories book. i guess that i would soon drown in my own fictitious world. i like reading but then sometimes, it's too much that i need to resort to other form of entertainments. i need to figure Facebook out. i need to play some games. i need to go for movies download. House, Gossip Girl, Avril and stuffs. And yeah, i wish that my parents are able to bring me to Penang next weekend. i dare not to ask but Pup is bringing his car for servicing. Oh God Bless me please. i'm quite willing to exchange the agonizing-not-being-able-to-online-days with a wonderful Penang trip. i always love Penang. =]

The last week

i was/am having my final Semester 1 examination. The last paper is on next monday, which is Biology paper 2, and after that, i could kiss this college goodbye and go home for 3 weeks!

it's been 1 week i didn't update my blog and hell yeah, loads of things happen in one week's time and i'm here to dig up my memories and jot down among the memorable and meaningful things that had happened for the past few days.

College mates made a surprise party for me and i was so touched. i was making unending free calls to all Maxis-ers on my contact list and each conversation took up an average of half an hour or more. It was so darn fun. i wished that everyday was my birthday then i can get to make FREE calls everyday. It feels just right to keep in touch with old friends, to know their whereabouts, to care of them, to bond. That's when i started to set up Facebook. ( it was a novelty to me. i'm so a facebook-er noobie.) Times posted an article of Facebook reunites old/long-lost crushes and that was just so sweet.

Okay. Then i was officially 18 and i love being 18.

Last week was study week to all matriculations students. Guess what? i cried for the first time ever of taking up the exam. i was so stressed up. i called MiMi and just told her that i couldn't answer the questions from the exercises and that my life was hard and study was stressful and i don't want to be a doctor anymore. It just hit me that medicine is a hell lot tougher than what i was/am enduring. i never ever wanted to study 24/7 and then cracking up my ind solving those mind-boggling questions because i know very well that i ain't a genius. Nonetheless, occasionally, i still wonder whether the problem arises because of the lecturers or me, myself for not putting enough effort or maybe i just wasn't born to be what i once-upon-a-time dreamed to be. So, i just let my tears streamed down my cheeks and i knew that poeple was watching from the corridor of my dorm but i just couldn't stop. Then i was okay. Biziillion thanks to my Mother who was always there to console me, to support me and to help me to endure everything.

Then, i gained my enthusiasm/spirit/courage to study again when i bumped into him and get to talk to him for a while and not discussing about study but just odd stuff. i was as happy as a lark that day and was determined to study hard so as i would have no regret because i have try my very best instead of giving up before it started. So, i was okay again. Thanks to You.

Then, the examination started off. it went okay the first day. Then the next day, it was among the most unforgettable day in my life. I saw my friends crying after taking the exam. The third day, same thing happen. It was among the toughest exam we had ever taken. Chemistry and Mathematics. So dead. The questions were a hell lot of tough and mind-boggling and eventually everyone was upset with their performance at the end of the day. i wasn't sure what or how should i feel. i think that everyone care so much of this exam, particularly. We aimed for 4.0 flat because if the opposite happens, then we're so doomed. i didn't cry because my tears reservoir had ran dry days before.

And yeah....to be continueed.

2nd October 2009

Today's my 18th birthday!

Set up a Facebook account to stay connect with friends!

Happy to get to make free calls!

Stress because examination is just around the corner!

27th of September

HAPPY BIRTHDAY AVRIL!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY LYNJANE!

HAPPY PACKING HUITING!

Listening to Avril.

Realizing that i'm so lost of words.

i've forgotten the lyrics but the melody is still fresh.

this is so sad.

i am not able to sing along, just humming along.

Looking forwards to Avril latest album.

Hue of Colours

The first 9 weeks in Perak Matriculation College was difficult. The first couple of weeks was the worst of all. The orientation week was a hell lot exhausting, then trying to adjust to new environment, meeting up strangers, catching up with the familiar yet new lessons, homesickness and missing the loved ones. It was unbearable.

Then, my family came for a visit. i remembered i was feeling like the happiest person on earth. it felt like out of the blue , i got an abrupt news that i'm soon to be freed from the prison after being life-sentenced. When they're gone, i found myself hiding in the washroom crying my heart out, escaping from the reality, finding way to stop the tears from pouring out, summoning the courage to stay focus and strong.

Next, we got two weeks of mid semester break. Hooray. Let it be two or three or a month, it's never enough. I had to go back to my torturing cell again.

After that, things sort of changed. i found myself able to adapt to the environment, to the crazy and hectic life there. i met up with people and we'd become friends and i found myself not that depress and homesick as before. The longing is still there, it will never fade, it probably just subsides a little bit.

then, i found chance to get home again. For three days and i grab this opportunity to come back to gather with family because i really do miss them. Then, we parted again. i was sad all over again but eventually i pulled through everything and moved on.

i waited patiently and fulfilled my time and life with colors and beautiful memories, that's what writing blog is all about. i need a variety of the hue of colors in my life. then, i guess my gangs and i started to really enjoy the college life because it started to involve boys. God, this is so not me. Nonetheless, we never let the wicked attraction of the opposite sex to hinder or deter us from striving for the top spot in the classes. Selfish to admit that they'd become sort of our favourite pastime to endure the days.

Now, i am sad all over again. i never really want to go back even there's a Chace Crawford or Chuck Bass wandering or loitering around the college. All i ever wanted was more time at home, with family, time for myself, slow things down, enjoy life at home.

Stuffs

• i had two plates of "Kuey Tiaw" aka Hor Fun, one is of plain soup and another one is of "lor", with the sticky, thick glutinous gravy; the bestest way to serve Hor Fun, known as Wat Dan Hor in cantonese. See, i picked up a sprinkling of Cantonese during my stay in Perak. i learnt Cantonese from watching dramas and movies through cable television since young but never use it in daily conversation before. i guess this is the time to polish up my Cantonese.
• i bought 'The Wedding', reading it all over again, fall in love all over again and i really really adore beautiful words, beautiful phrases. ......i slipped under the covers and turned to face my wife. Her breathing was steady and deep, and i could see her eyelids fluttering, letting me know that she was dreaming. Of what, i wasn't sure, but her face was of peaceful, like that of a child. I stared at her, wanting and not wanting to wake her, loving her more than life itself. Despite the darkness, I could see a lock of hair lying across her cheek, and i stretched my fingers towards it. Her skin was as soft as powder, timeless in its beauty. Tucking the strand of hair behind her ear, I blinked back the tears that had mysteriously sprung to my eyes. i love Nicholas! 'The Wedding' is strongly recommend for those married couples. i want my parents to read it. Pup should really read it.
• i met Huiwoon in Tesco today. HAHAHA. i was like super excited and overwhelmed with exuberance to see her, to talk to her. It had been only days i haven't meet her. i just realized that i miss her, quite a lot after being her college-best-friend for a few months already. We shared like almost anything and Huiwoon is really nice.
• i bought clothes today, like in a rush, so just picked up a couple of them though really like them. i was acting like the typical sensible and wise consumers in which they'll go for bargain for hours but in my case just took a few minutes for the sake of trying/training to be one of the wise and sensible consumers. It was awkward though. The seller probably thought that i was only a kid and maybe was thinking that "Hey this girl is deceivable, let's earn some money from her." So, she charged me RM49 for two pieces of blouses. Fine. The one i spotted in Parkson was like RM 50-60 over for just one piece. So, the cheap one will do i guess. Sigh. it always took me so long to buy suitable attires. i'm too picky and fastidious in this sort of things. Everything needs to be perfect, attain the perfectionism that i have limited. So, most of the time, i ended of buying nothing after strolling in the mall over and over again and passed the days miserably thinking about the slipped opportunities.
• Since when, i couldn't remember that i'd became a little bit of conscious of my physical appearance. Friends started to tease me about wearing the same clothes (Baju Kurung) for classes and then recently, my tutorialmates, sort of couldn't resist the sight before them anymore of me wearing either the lavender or Cyan Baju Kurung over and over agin which sore their eyes. Great. i told them that Mum said we attend school not to show off our fashion sense. Now, it hit me back. What's up with all this expanding closet thingy? They even asked to vary my style like tie up my messy hair, use contact, etc. So, i just listened, wondering why are these people so concern of my appearance. It did concern me. Why they had to make such comments and remarks about me? Now, i do feel like a need to upgrade and improve myself. TT
• My waist just gained a few inches.i could feel it. i gained pounds. i was like 'showing off' to Pup and Mum. Pup was like have a touch on my protruding tummy, shaking his head and grin, Mum paid ignorance yet i managed to catch a hidden smile. They know me well that i couldn't resist food. i could swallow just anything that's not too disgusting. i had been eating a lot lately! Food is one of the best part about life! Live to eat!
• Yong Tau Fu, which tasted a lot like Chee Cheong Fun and it's very yummy and delicious. Costed RM12. i shared with Woon and it took us more than one hour to finish up everything.
  

TreasureHunt

i found things again from my stuffed-files.

Those pictures were taken on i-forgot-the-date but it's Thursday and there're a few vital events that happened and i would like to highlight them because they just popped up in my mind like it's just happened yesterday and i'm so going to inscribe it in my today's post.

My club actually had organized "Treasure Hunt" on that specific day for another club to join because we're going to join another competition which was going to be organized the morrow by that club. So, it's something like mutually beneficial because everyone wants to involve themselves as much as possible to strive for the co-curriculum marks in order to apply into the local most coveted universities namely University Malaya and University Sciences Malaysia with the coveted courses that they desired of. Frankly, i frowned a lot thinking of my pathetically little marks and poor involvements in school/college activities when my report card was brought into comparison. i'm just so sick of those things. i frowned not because of i'm sad of having the shortest list but because i see the ugly side of people and the rat race which only brings disgrace. Sour grapes? Whatever. During high school, i didn't even care as much as the other bunches and it was a freak show to watch them running high and low requesting for signatures and stuffs from the teachers to get as much marks as possible. Therefore, as the lazy, pretending-to-not-care-much and passive student, i ended up getting super low mark i guess. i didn't even bother to know the figure. i just think it was odd. To get a seat in the university, i actually have to do all that stupid stuffs. Why can't i just concentrate on things that're more important and put all these stupid and crappy involvements things behind because apparently, those who're not under government institution don't seem to get big head of striving for marks for a comfortable seat in the university. That's it. Comfortable. These people are struggling to get into comfortable zone. What if i'm comfortable by being placed in a uncomfortable zone with ample space by my side because it's obvious that everyone has get into comfortable zone which make that zone an uncomfortable one with so much people packing together like being stuffed in a sardine can.

Continue...

i was in charged of one of the stations. Thereshana aka Theresha is the head, along with me and what's-her-name were making a 'spiderweb' for them to cross over in order to finish the task but, but we made it more challenging by making them(in trio) to hold along a long straw that's joined up by several short one with only two fingers for each of them. Actually, the 'web' was built by me, Huiwoon, Jiening and Soohui. We then played for a few rounds after the working to make sure that it's totally do-able and we had a blast.

It was FUN!

So, i assumed that everyone was having a blast on that freaking day especially at our station. It's all about cooperation, trick, fun, laughters, chill and more laughters.

One of the significant events that had happened on that specific special day was that i met up HIM! OMG! i was like super excited. Oh Great! Now i remember. This happened on the 10th of September, Bro's 19th B-Day, the day i love so much, the day i got the chance to talk to HIM in the afternoon and in the evening, i bumped into HIM again by fate. Wow. This is great. My memories work better now.

So, i was talking to Theresha about things like our origins, Lindan, being a vegetarian (learnt that some strict vegetarians don't eat garlic and onion for some obscure reasons. i thought that were vegetables so it's edible to them but they are forbidden to consume them as they claimed it bring lust to meat and poisonous or sort) and so on. then, we were like joking around of how inconvenient it was for the students to take a diversion when they passed through the five-foot-walkway because we'd set up the magnificent 'spiderweb'. Some were totally cool about it, some were really furious, some were playing around, some were tense and it's so much fun to look at different reactions from the passerby.