Where does all the missing things gone?

to a place called here. here, now, forever, yet to be found, lost in time; any of the possibilities.

i am so going to dig deep to captivate among the memorable events that have happened since...the end of november.

I have been spending nights after nights waiting for her return yet to no avail. sometimes, it feels as if she was still around, watching me, watching us. i knew that she is not coming back anymore. the day we parted, i shed my tears. i cherish our friendship, so much, too much. i like her the most because of her sincerity and kindness and i know that i am someone special to her too. She taught me of so many things, her religion, her belief, her stories and it makes me comprehend and enjoy life from a broader perspective. Then, as soon as i know all of those are not happening anymore, it was as if i will stop learning, growing, gather knowledge and i will become ignorant and illiterate. i do want to feel lifeless, envelop behind these four walls. That's when i burst into tears, that's when i know that i love her. i want her back because my life is sort of empty and meaningless withour her sharing a room of 4 walls with me. i never realise how important she was to me, until, she hugged me goodbye, and salam and exchange the very last sight of us together in front of room 29 and i closed the damn door, she went on her way and i never see her again. Oh, Aida, how i miss you so.

i have been selfish enough to pay hostile towards Ros and Gi-Ah. i was sort of livid, i guess. i feel like life is so unfair. i even doubt God, faith. Why did He arrange such a tough path for her? In my opinion, it is so unfair, so loathesome. She deserves better, the best. What the hell is wrong then? Did He have a better plan for her, Did He too have faith that she's the strongest of all to endure among the toughest plan He has for the followers? i doubt. Why now? Why such? Why her? Why not her? Oh God, please. i pray that You really know what you are doing and promise me to give her the best, the best that she deserves because she is the role model, the one, the decent one, the nicest one and the everything.

And till now, i am still improving. i have to be good. i have to be normal, again. They do notice of my sudden hostility, i guess. i do not beg for any forgiveness because frankly, i do it on purpose. It proved that i need Aida because only then, i will behave because she deserves the best from me. Without her, i lost my reflection. i am someone callous.

Complications.

I am so finally going to apply for university. Public University. This might sounds arrogant; i hate almost everything public, here. Take for example, if this is Japan, in the case of public transport, there would not be such a thought of how repulsive i am of anything “public” due to the inefficiency of the you-know-who. And guess what, i finally understand the views and whining i have been getting from the elders/parents/whoever before of how exasperated and disgusted it would turn out to “work” with those people who make up majority of the you-know-who. They make me, speechless, furious beyond word, drive me into tension and it was just so terrible. That is when i learn that sometimes, it is the best resort to work eveything on your own even if it means group work. How could they pay oblivion? How could they take it easy? How could they not complete their task? From them too, hah, i have eventually become a better leader. Thank you so very much. Even if they take credits from my efforts, i am doing just fine because He know better and i am happy.

Speaking of public, where oh where in the part of the world offer the most advance public education? US, UK, Japan, Singapore? Nothing private, public. Damn public. It is because it is here, here, that i despised being labelled (soon to be) by the whoever of being "inferior" graduating from a public university due to its poor academic performance, teaching, generation of professionals and the list goes on. Well, i guess i just have to accept it. No matter what the outcomes would be, nothing could be changed. What can i do? What can i contribute?

Complications.

I kind of screwed up my application into USM. i am still waiting, patiently, for Mum's call, for a reply, for a mail, for everything. i almost burst into tears in the morning just now because again, the school, let me down. How absurd it was for them to tell me that i am not allowed to make any calls to anyone/ destinations using the school's phone line? They always come out with idealism that i seemed like dumb enough to comprehend. The last few days, i was in Students Public Affair department to ask for permission to leave for the next weekend / "escape" from the school but they ask me the most profound question ever? What do you want to go home? i was like, what? What kind of question is that? Why can't i leave whenever i want? I wasn't even involve in any college activities next weekend. i want to leave to spend some qualities time with family. Do i even have to ask for your permission for that?

Then, i know that i am an adult already and i should be able to manage everything. i need to fix everything. i need to fix the problems. Shit. Making calls to USM and the operators/person in charge/ or whatever the post is on the line was having problems understanding my predicaments. Shit. My Malay speaking skill sucks like hell. i know. Then, she sort of asked for another one for "assistance". i conversed in English. Damn. She didn't seem to understand better. This time, it seemed as if they do not even know that there was such a things call the Online Application for Entrance into USM for postgraduate studies, from Matriculation, the line was open like 2 days ago. Okay. What the hell is wrong with people today? Speaking of public. Speaking of the advance of internet. Speaking of the you-know-who.

i was upset, pissed, down, furious, guilty. Wondering whether it's my own fault for some obscure errors that i had made in the morning of signing up the damn account. Maybe , God do not want me to continue my study there or i am not destined to be there. Maybe, it is karma.

Just finish consulting another "person in charge" with my limited Malay. She seemed more likely to know what the hell is happening around,, what is revolving me. Shit. It hit me that i wouldn't even get the offer even when my problem is solved and i get to sign up and everything because i am not meant to be.