Judgement

Sometimes, i wish that the journey is a never-ending whenever i'm traveling on the road. it just seems so right to just stare out wide to whatever that is offering by the nature that have been shielded between the window seats. It just seems so right to let the thoughts drifted away into a subconcious mind and dream of the imposibilities, the celestial future, the everything else that brings comfort and forcing self to not concern much of the sorrow and tense. But, there's always a destination. There's always a stop. And with that, i just have to step down and brace the present and wait anxiously for another ride.

Yesterday, i went for movie with friends. 2012. Meeting up with Lilian, Peichin and Yitxin and totally grateful that they're there earlier to make the day an unforgettable one and made the plan worked. Totally absorbed by it. Just the kind of movie i have always learn to love;nerve-wracking, a sprinkling of touching scenes that made tears drop, occasion humor that made a smile is crafted on the face which sooth the soul, or sometimes burst out loughing out loud and yeah of course hot guys!

So, there have been a lot of thinkings jostling in my mind lately and yesterday just made everything heavier. Though, i have came to bear with it. There are questions that nobody seems to be able to answer or probably it is me solely who doesn't know who to seek for refuge and help and solid, convincing answer. Next, those hidden dejected and confusion feeling that no one seems to be able to share with me and comprehend. Then, i am constantly lost.

Ever since coming back from semester break, i am not sure what the hell i was doing with my own life here. Everything falters, enthusiasms fade, pathos grows, inconsistency follows.

i know very well that one of the priority in my life is to be devoted to my parents. i always think of them first before God, i don't know why, though i know that God is considerably the main reason that i am here, now, for real, alive. He is my Creator after all. and then came my family, friends follow next whom i have learnt to love every single day during my endurance here, especially Woon. Ha Ha. She always made me laugh out loud and she's so damn funny and i like that a lot. She was there when i was sad, when i was in trouble and make me happy. i like that a lot. Woon is funny, funny, funny! Never fails to make my day.

So, my parents, who have always been my driving force whenever i was down are among the reasons why i am doing what i am doing. it's just feel so divine to make them happy and be proud of me and to hear them uttering i am their greatest happiness/achievement through their significant laughters and adorably smiles. It's so irresistable. It's like i yearn for more and more because it pleased me too to please them. Mutual merriment.

Then, i have my own dream too. i want to challenge myself and i want to find answer and solution to my curiousity and satisfy my interest. As days passed, i am not even sure of my capability. Maybe, it's a false alarm. Oh God, where's this dark tunnel leading me again? When can i be so sure of what i am to become. Through determinations, hardworking and all, as much as i want to fervently believe i can vie for the outstanding achievement ever, there's still a tiny creature (developing as time passes) inside that keeps on persuading me to seek for a way out of this uncertainty because it seems to bring more hope and hell yeah, as soon as i step out, it is just the right track ever that only a few ever find themselves discover in ages. Should i?

Growing up, still. i am not sure of what have became to all those solid and concrete decision that i once so sure of heading towards it no matter whatever predicaments it would bring about. i feel sorry for myself, not because that i have lose faith completely but it's just that i am too naïve to make up those at such tender age. Enduring the real world, bracing all those staggering adversities made me feel stupid, immature and vain. Maybe i am something else. Just maybe if only i try to take a diversion. It's my life after all and people should understand that if they care, they want me to be happy.

Great. i have another 5 months to endure. It's so sickening.