hello stranger

Quote Nicholas Sparks, "i often wish i could go back t a simpler time, when i wasn't so nostalgic".

is it even possible to sympathize my own self? surrounded by friends day and night, why do i still feel alone like a stranger, outcast? i alienated myself because apparently, solitude moments make me more comfortable at times but i do admit that i really have a lot of fun laughing together with them chatting nonsense and so forth.

i just feel really empty and lonely. a need to talk to someone to calm myself and to release stress. i started to realize that talking to Mum is not such a good idea because it's the kind of thing that will make her worry and grow more silver hair and traceable wrinkles. hence, here i am after ages of not signing in here as if i have desolated my pseudo-remedy here. no. it's just that life has been the same and of too much melancholically bitter and of course there are memorable, happy moments to but i don't feel like penning it down here due to my laziness.

i think this is just an escapism for me to get back to the real deal. it is just an excuse. the beauty of the photos is by capturing the moment when u 'snap' it, freezing the time, picturing the view before you and most importantly it tells the world that you've been there, you've done that and you exist. in addition, it brings you back to the past and you could play the story in your mind. it tells a thousand stories!

dear mummy, papa and huidee, i miss you guys so damn much. on the way to the airport a couple of days ago, i thought it as one of the saddest moment in my life. never had i ever feel so sad before. we hadn't even reach airport yet but i can feel that my tears were boiling inside and i was battling hard to make it evaporate instead of streaming down thru the corners. i just feel really sorry for myself that i have to go back to an ugly place and a life that i like and detest at the same time. and i met a stranger. and he was real. he could have been my savior as he thought me a lot of things and life lessons on the one hour journey back to KL boarding Aerobus. i lost his contact afterwards and i blamed no one but myself. it happened for a reason. i googled him afterwards and i find him real, exist! Thank God for that but how do i get in touch again? is it going to be odd and insane to call the office? duh.

quote stranger, "at this stage, for you, money could not be everything for you but bear in mind that money can do a lot of things". it keeps on ringing inside me. money can do a lot of things. so true. well, stranger, you haven't heard the full story yet and you don't know me yet. you know, i really appreciate and thankful for your blessings and words but you'll never know what the future will bring.

p/s i'll go back to Eid holidays all the time. never mind playing it in repeat.

an imminent lost

someone in the family had passed away. my Grandaunt.

since tuesday, i heard from mum n grandma that She had been admitted to the hospital. Her condition was so bad that the doctor said that the lung infections seemed to be fatal. and today, i just knew that She had passed away. feel a tinge of distress for losing Her but it wasn't as intense as it should because i just barely know Her and for this, i feel remorse.

i wonder is this even right to not feel a thing. i just feel sad to make me feel good about myself that i am not a heartless and unemotional person. i live thru my ays like every other days, still can happily laugh and smile. i barely know her, as a person. now that she's gone and i couldn't even remember the last time i saw her and greet upon her. chinese new year?

i just felt sorry for the family of my mother's side, especially my great Grandfather. he must has felt wretched for losing a sister. they have been like living together since young since she's not tied down to anyone. it felt like yesterday that great Grandpa lost Great Grandma. i wonder if his fragile heart is able to withstand such anguish. now i miss him. though again, i barely know him. despite his advanced age, he knew me. and whenever he reaches his hand for me when i went for a visit, i just feel helpless and sad. i feel sorry for the both of us. and i still remember the moment he shed his tears looking and touching my brother. i wonder what are those tears for. did he feel touched that we have grown up so big now? did he feel blessed or the opposite for the years he have lived thru? it was really a pain looking at my Great Grandpa inevitably living thru his last days with worsening condition. i feel glad that he has recovered from previous sickness but i think as you grow old, your body is unable to function well anymore and slowly, his eyesight weakens. but, mum said he looks healthy. i pray that he doesn't have to go thru any agony and can brace thru his last days comfortably.

i did really feel really really bad for not getting to know those respectable person in my life. they have been so dear to my mum, grandma, aunts, uncles and all but we the younger generations just comfortably enjoy the prosperity that they had slogged hard for us.

just want to send my sincere condolence to those who deeply felt her lost, especially my family members. i know that mum and grandma feel terribly bad and sad. we shall remember Her in memories and that will make Her lives in our heart forever.

beyond that smudge

yet another awesome and meaningful family outing with my funniest and favourite Aunt. it seems that i have inevitably become a part of them or i like to think so. i am forever grateful and thankful that Uncle and Aunt are always willing to make such great efforts coming down, sending me back when i went for a few nights sleepover. make sure i am fine and all. and i honestly believed and hope that their children will grow up great in the future.

the time spending with them are so valuable cuz they teach me priceless lessons. and of course they sometimes reflected my life, watching the scene before me making it feels like i am playing my history backward and make me reminiscence of the good old days i used to have. and the bad one included. Uncle and Aunt have definitely make awesome and the bestest parents a child can be gifted with. and of course, they are blessed with wonderful children too.

i made a visit to the National Bird Park and National Museum today. yes. i don't think that i would ever have yet another opportunity to visit those places again growing older. pfft. are you kidding me? museum?! but frankly speaking, the museum kind of giving of a sense of eerie and freakish. looking at the dummies gave me goosebumps and i had to look away. it was as if they are alive. Night at the museum definitely left great impacts to a 'particular' part of the viewer and i am one of them. nonetheless, i think that a visit to National Museum would serve as an awesome field trip for those studying History because learning and reading from the mundane textbooks alone aren't going to be as exciting and effective as making a visit there in which all the pictures and words in the books become alive.

so despite the crawling near exam, i still make up some time to enjoy myself and spend time with them because i know that i need it, despite the exhaustion that i still struggling hard to recover from yesterday's Explorace organized by my fellow course mates in which they sent us running amok all around Lake Titiwangsa and the residential hostel that i used to reside in. it definitely brought a new meaning and formed a different related memory.

well, life is not bad afterall. i dont have to complicate it by caring less. caring less doesnt mean i doesnt care at all. it's just that there's a whole lot more to it beyond that smudge that make us stop and cry at the so-reckoned unfair life.

Second Chapter

'Sometimes life hits you in the head with a brick. Don't lose faith. I'm convinced that the only things that kept me going was that i love what i did. You've got to find what you love. And that is as true for works as it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. and the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you will know when you find it.' yes, i fervently hope that i will really love what i am going to do in future. again, the same doubts haunting. the minute i rise from my slumber and it goes on till i doze off again. sometimes, i go thru my day as just a routine. just for the sake of living, surviving. a life without expectation, without goal, without motive and driving force. it gets weird when i lost myself, stuck in that moment and have to talk to myself to be a better me instead of dragging just another day, for the sake of living, without any significant achievement.

and my resolution of the year is to just get thru this year without much trials and tribulations. of course they are indispensable part of life but is it too much to pray that they're cut off to it's lowest limits because my fragile self is not able to withstand much pressure and misery from it. to make myself feel better, i actually make myself believe that there's balance in each individual. there are always things to compensate for your lost and of course you have to give in to gain. as i always wish that i could have everything laid out perfect for me and grump at the thought and sight that they have what i have been yearning for, i was blinded because that was only a part of the story. i didn't realize what they missed, what they suffered thru, what they lost because God is great and He makes us equal. you cant have everything at once.

First chapter

'You cant connect the dots looking forward; You can only connect them looking backwards. So, you have to trust that the dots are somehow connect to your future. You have to trust in something, your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. Because believing that the dots will connect down the road will give you the confidence to follow your heart even when it leaves you off the well worn path, and that will make all the difference'. after watching the video playing Steve Job giving a speech on a commencement at Stanford a few years ago, he has instantly became my idol. after all, success doesn't come easily for most of the prominent figures in the world. they had gone thru so much of bitter hardships so what am i compare to them? so, i will learn hard to not to try to connect the dots forward and asking blindly where on earth could these had lead me to. it was always dark pitch cuz it will only lighten if i brace thru it and walk thru the path. i should take things positively cuz nobody's God. nobody knows what the future will bring. instead, i believe that when i look backwards in the future, i will get all the answers that i've been questioning myself incessantly. truth is that i am getting really tired of it because it occupied a major part of my mind, life and i am constantly emotionally and physically drained by it.

i haven't been regularly updating my journal. it's just getting monotonous because every time i feel like inscribing something here, it was always of something melancholy. the wonders, the questions, the thoughts, the same old opinions. i have been procrastinate a lot lately. and today, while i was streaming an episode of House on the net, it happens to be related to a patient who writes blog online of her daily journal. well, she has definitely went off the boundaries that i set for myself. she wrote almost every little details of her life, the conversation and so on. well, that's all on her free wills to do that. i just choose to write on important things that came across my mind. my sudden thoughts, opinions and feeling, like my 'First Chapter' at this particular moment. A couple of weeks ago, i was trying to get back home and it turned vain, twice. Twice. what does that indicate? of course i did feel frustrated, angst and i did cry out, in silence. and it was painful. after i cant reach my Mum, i rang Papa instead. that's when the tears came. and we talked a lot that time. i put different parties to be blamed for the sudden change of timetable that ruined my plan. but what difference does it make. the best is to just take it as a lesson and i will not question it anymore. till yesterday, i finally realize that the sudden urge to go back and the incept that i have to go back for the 'extended' weekend is because my father's having his 50th birthday. but at the end, i totally forgot about it. and that's how i connect the dots backwards. for the subtly obscure events that took place. it happened for a reason.

ubiquitous

something definitely turns me on today. ever since i came back from classes, i have been waiting for the call by woon. i didn't get to meet her often during the semester break and i know that there's a lot that we should update each other. well, we could have do chatting every time we go online or skype but those can't compete with the anticipation of getting the free call/s on birthday! it has became a tradition. okay. be matured. duh.

then, i rang my mum and i knew i sound so excited on the phone. i cant explain the excitement that i felt. it's just a birth day after all but whatever. i am really happy! but the conversation is basically about what to expect during the clinical year after i had a long hour chatting with my dear buddy. it seems very fun and challenging because it involves more practical works and we finally get to see real patients and run tests on them. nonetheless, there's definitely more stressful because there's a lot to cover from the theory parts. gah. i hate theory exam!

one of my housemate's sister came over for a sojourn today. i am just too envy of their relationship! they are like sisters/twins/best friends/soul mates/whatever there is that paired and happy and complemented each other! i have so much of regrets in my life and i know that i will never ever be able to forgive myself and let it go no matter how hard i try. i have missed out so much about being a confident teenager, being a bubbly sister and most importantly, a happier self. so, this is me, swallowing my regrets, reminiscing all the good old days. and i can never go back to december all the time. i always wonder if they are aware and alert of how depressed i am and how i am terribly haunted by it every ticking seconds i am awake and aware of that missing pieces.

beautiful like you

Everybody wants to look into the mirror
And feel a little better now

And everybody wants to know there's someone out there
Waiting for you to come around

And I wish that you could feel it
But you don't choose to believe it
Cause I know that you can't see it that way

If you could only just stop stop stop running
If you could only take a second to breathe it in
Everything that you know would be beautiful, like you
You know they're never gonna stop stop stop your love
Let's pretend that the world is waking up
Everything that we see is beautiful, like you.

Everybody wants to tell someone their secrets
Why don't you tell me now?

Well, maybe I can fix this
Then I don't want you to miss this
And the sun is raining down

If you could only just stop stop stop running
If you could only take a second to breathe it in
Everything that you know would be beautiful, like you
You know they're never gonna stop stop stop your love
Let's pretend that the world is waking up
Everything that we see is beautiful, like you

Sometimes it's hard to be yourself in this crazy world
Sometimes it's hard to breathe

Everybody wants to know there's someone out there
Waiting for you to come around

If you could only just stop stop stop running
If you could only take a second to breathe it in
Everything that you know would be beautiful, like you
You know they're never gonna stop stop stop your love
Let's pretend that the world is waking up
Everything that we see can be beautiful, Like you

i could totally relate to the song! i remember gluing my eyes in front of the idiot box (last year, if i'm not mistaken) watching the american idol finale 2010. deep down my heart, i was praying that Crystal could win it. first, because she's a woman. and i totally sympathize her unfortunate difficulties, struggling as a single mum and stuffs. besides, she could really sing. and i was emotionally touched listening to her singing especially Up to the mountain. (actually have to YouTube this, i just remember something with the mountain) nonetheless, Americans vote for Lee Dewyne. and he has finally get to have his dreams come true and it was totally a life-changing experience. creating his name in the music industry and making money now while enjoying singing. and now, i am totally in love with this song - Beautiful Like You! i am happy for his success and hopefully he can go further.

it's been two years since Michael Jackson passed away. been listening to the radio since afternoon and they're playing his music all day long which bring back a few memories. on the other hand, i knew that on this particular exact date two years ago while i was doing my matriculation, my friend was enduring the most unforgettable day of her life. and dying totally changes everything. do cherish your loved ones. =)