plain human

it's has been quite a while since my last post. it seems like i have to start every single post with this significant line of mine.

life has been filled with ups and downs. it's like a roller coaster ride. sometimes, you get on top. sometimes, you get back on the ground. it makes you feel like you can spread your wings and fly but later, i find it surreal and things get back to solid ground again that i wish upon the stars every night that life could be much more easier for me.

again, i have to remind myself everyday that this is the road i have taken. the thing is that i have to work like a lot harder to make it a success. i really really do wish that i have a different life. thought that as long as the interest is there, nothing could bring me down but apparently i am so deadly wrong. i dont even know if the interest and passion is still burning inside or everything has subsided little by little through the course of time until i have to doubt myself whether it's still there. the little voice inside me always has the answer yet it's kind of impossible to make a diversion from here. now.

i always have stupid, preposterous thoughts running in my mind whenever the exam is near. truth is i really fear it because i couldn't find a way to conquer it although i reckoned that i did before. i wish it never comes. i wish the word ends. i wish i wake up the next day and found myself dead. sudden death. i wish i live in fantasy. i wish i have superpower. but, i am just a human.

dont want to live in regret and things have to go on whether i like it or not. stay positive. and i would be home soon and this is the price i have to pay.

Santa Mummy is coming to town

"i'm going to KL on 1 April."

simple text received and i jumped for joy, for a while. i hope that it's not going to be an April's fool prank because mummy wont ever do that. i am really looking forward to seeing my mum after two months long. i only get to hear her voices all these while. it's time to see how many platinum hair she has grown. and if possible, try to see if more wrinkles form. or better, she still look the same. middle-aged, vibrant and beautiful. i love my mummy more than anything.

i hate myself ever since i sort of secured a comfortable place for myself. i somehow learn of a new method to tackle the exams and for two consecutive modules, i could proudly say that i am satisfied with it. and i am really glad that i found the way. it is tough, definitely but i am relieved that my hard work has finally paid off. it definitely feels great. nonetheless, it's a tough module this time. i am often distracted. i feel as if i have so much time yet at the same time i know that i have to compete with the limited time available.

and it gives me heartache when i want to get attention so much only to be served with cold shoulders. i thought i have given up but apparently i'm not, yet. as if i will. i know that i would not be able to fool myself. driven by guilt everyday and engulfed with a tad of disgust with myself. and i overheard a conversation in the bus today which makes me appreciated what i have and praying if only i get more and the best out of it. if only i can manipulate how things work. i do wish i have superpower. where do i go from now.

hmmm. regardless to the previous post, it seems like i a still alive. and it's still a long week to go. same routine. same people. same heartache.

at world's end

15th March 2011

the world is left devastated over the ferocious tsunami that hit Japan last weekend. i was savouring in my much needed, long, deep nap when hundred thousands of people were shivering in fear and seeking refuge and fighting for their lives, their loved one. when i logged in facebook, only that i get to know what happen on the other side of the world. seeing people losing everything. the pain and anguish they have to go through. it makes my heart squeezed while i let go a helpless sigh. we are lucky aint we? we should be grateful and thankful, everyday, every moment. here, still breathing, listening to my favourite music, browsing facebook, anticipating the next day, in the hope that it will bring new knowledge and meaning to our life. hoping that whatever we reap yesterdays, tomorrow and the days to come will eventually bring a much better and desired future to us. counting down for the days till i get to be with my family again and unwind myself from the hectic, complicated life here. it was much simple back then.

things have worsen. there has been many speculations and issues raise over the Judgement Day, the end of the world, Apocalypse, whatever the name is. the bottom line is, it seems like the recent earthquake comes tsunami act as a prognosis for the imminent apocalypse. And there has been prediction that it would happen on 21st May, which is deemed as the Judgement Day, and would prolonged for 5 freaking months till October, the end of the world. 5 months of suffering and stuffs, i am not sure. that prediction is done based on Bible studies by a man who has been studying it for many years. well, i dont really have much thoughts on that. there have been many evidences of fake or fail attempts in predictions before so should we buy it this time? truth is, i dont think we can set a date for it. only God knows. though it's imminent, definitely.

if say it's just around the corner, i would say that i havent live my life, just enough yet. i don't want to die yet. i have so many things to do, to complete, a world to see, treasure. don't take this away from me. not so soon. i would need to be with my family. i miss my Mum and Papa and Huidi and brother, my grandma, aunts, uncles, cousins. imagine if the flood, earthquakes or whatever natural disasters there are, happen. this brings me back to 2012. i want to be with my family. we should run for shelter together and if it's destined that no one could escape it, we could have died together. i dont want to be at the other side, knowing my parents fighting for lives and the agony that have to endure seeing the destruction of our homeland, the anxiety they have to put through wondering about their children's whereabout. and my old Grandma. i would want to be by her side and help her, give her strength and everything. yes. this is an ugly truth. the end of the world is scary. where would you go? what would you do?

even now. rumour has it that the defect of nuclear plant causing radioactive leakage would be stirring acid rain in Asian countries. i read another source saying that was just a hoax. figured.

what if, tomorrow is the last day here?

Dear F

now, F. you do the blogging.

let's build an imaginary house mansion with rooms to occupy our memories. like magical.

i enjoyed myself very much today. catching up with each others. life is always unexpected. and i sincerely, genuinely wish you the very best in your future undertakings. it could be that this has always been your calling. whatever you do, make the best out of yourself. to be successful, there's a lot of turmoils that you have to live through and brace it. and you're never alone. i hope that you are willing to share with me your problems and if you need any opinions, feel free to ask. i want to help. i am always available. for me, i have learnt to talk about my problems as a mean to release my stress and to seek for some sense of security and belonging. and i always have faith in people i am in contact with because i believe in them. trying to earn the trust of others by believing in them.

i tend to see myself as an arrogant, social outcast and a total nerd in the past. we have been classmates since primary school and trust me, i am not even this close to F until secondary school. well, at least, there are fond memories in primary school. i used to walk across the street from the school to her house and make calls for a couple of times. maybe you forgot it F. but i am sure that it happened. moreover, you're special in the sense that my father knows who you are. One of the many friends that my father, who actually know. we acknowledged you as 'ah tao'. i have forgotten how he happens to pay more attention to you but i think he used to see us together back then.

so. now. i have learn a new way to really treasure the connection, the bond and valuable friendship that i have with the people that i care for. let's put it in a way that i tend to choose who to befriend and who to not for particular reasons that i don't seem to understand. it could be fate. it's could be the sense of belonging. it could be the chemistry that we have. and yes F. we share the 'mischievous' gene! and we are similar in many ways. you do have a special place in my heart.

well. you make me think a lot lately. you teach me a lot even before. first, you make 'life seems unexpected'. second, you make me feel guilty and ponder about the many unpredictable possibilities that i might step on and the many diversions that i could choose, if i want. thirdly, you make me feel like i am useless. if only i have the power and authority.

it's tough. life's hard. have a little faith. we shall have a bright future. we share dreams. let's make it comes true. i am talking about traveling and holidays.

want to know that my friends are happy everyday because nothing's permanent. the sadness and sorrow wont last long. just don't let it burdens you much. pray for the best.

Netter's anatomy

so, we are having musculoskeletal module as the last module this semester. it's kind of equivalent to Anatomy. that's one big difference that many have been arguing around as other prominent medical schools still using the old, traditional, authentic way of conducting the medicine course by learning through the subjects and the very basic core but we here studying it by systems. but i am nobody to judge which one's better.

it's so a killer module, like the others but this tops the others i suppose. every single part of the bone, the veins, the vessels, the muscles. they have names. yes. Names are good. Names are precious. Names make identity. Names make you feel appreciated. And i hate to remember all these but my professor does it like a fish out of water. She was so fluent and good in teaching and her lecture flows so smoothy like the silk or whatever smooth things there are. okay. i haven't even start my studies. sparing myself a couple of days of rest and i am good to go again, hopefully. i saw one of my course mate inscribing our medical students' life like a menstrual cycle. once a month, you get menstruation, which is the exam period. then, you get to rest for a few days and the cycle repeat again, the thickening part of the uterine wall and all for the next few weeks until the sloughing part comes. creative eh? the funny part is that she wonders when is menopause. i cant wait for that too.

so, today we were having practical on bony things and stuffs, with a real model picked among the students. i was late a few minutes for it and that they have began everything and suddenly i saw this half naked man on the tv screens in the dissection hall and the real man was modeling just a few meters away from the entrance. DROOL. his has got fair skin, and a little muscular, which is not too much like those body builders and i thought they have always been disgusting. He was just perfect. OMG. i was so attracted to him. like magical. a body. yes. i fall in love with his body. =D i am normal. yes. pretty much can't believe today that i fall for a body. a live, muscular body. Anatomy should be fun.

and i just bought two text books which costed around 200 bucks. it's not Gray's anatomy but Netter's. and He's such a great artist/ illustrator comes doctor. He's talented. A loving husband because he dedicated all the drawings to her wife. My heart squeezed at this. i will appreciated his drawing more. that's how he immortalized his loved one. and i just love man like this. hopefully i can be eternalized too someday. and we will never grow old. like magical.

and what's more crazier today is that i have just pre-ordered myself GOODBYE LULLABY DELUXE EDITION. i just want to get the tote bag. and hopefully other free gifts too. and i was just cursing myself for my stupidity because i don't think everything worths it.

xoxo love you mummy! =)

and i am so afraid that i call home less and the conversation goes shorter.

and i am so afraid that the next time i called Papa, nothing comes out but repeating the same questions over and over again.

and i am so afraid that i will forget that i have a sister and i dont even know if she has done something great that i am proud of or things alike.

and i am so afraid that i really give up on my brother.

4Real

it's a mixed feeling. i have made it, like finally.

looking at the notice board and scrutinize through the name lists, with the students id number and FULL NAME with it, looking for mine. i wasn't even dare or care much to look at it initially because I don't give a damn, anymore. i jerked forward from my position because my friend had told me, after she looked for it that i scored pretty well. and hell yeah, it was, indeed, A pretty well grade. i finally scored an A- for my module test after going through so much of turmoils, the failures, the trials and tribulations. i have finally managed to prove that i can actually do it. but it's really tough.

it was a Infection and Immunity module. Damn it. So damn much of memorizing stuffs. Why did i score in this module?! i don't know why. i could be just lucky. mere lucky. i couldn't believe it through a little piece of me was still hoping to see a paid-off effort out of the midnight oils.

i think that a lot of things change. i adapt to a different study method. i make myself to recall back everything, like projecting a movie, slide shows in my brain. and i do it constantly. what was i doing previously? i thought i did apply those but how come it doesn't work before but now.

still, it still doesnt change my mind. i keep on thinking that i want a different life. a more carefree life. do you know how stressful and torturing it is to have tests and competing. though i would say that i don't care much about others but more on challenging myself to do more and get the best out of myself, i somehow feel a tad of jealousy and incompetency because if they can do it, i can too.

nonetheless, it does feel good and no good at the same time. thank God. the omnipresent. it's like an invisible, intangible yet i choose to have faith in it that it does exist. like a guidance, a source of protection from an amulet.

hopefully that i can keep it up, the momentum. let's do it step by step.

wish you were here

So now, i have illegally owned Goodbye Lullaby. What is there to be anticipated and look forward to? i love all the songs and each and every of them are so unique and have their own kicking rhythm and melody. i personally like Goodbye the most because it's also very personal and emotional for Avril to fully write and produce it on her own. And the story behind Goodbye is very touching and moving. yes. i Love you so. la la lullaby, help me sleep tonight.

it keeps me ponder if two love each other, why would they eventually go for break up. i mean, if two are in love with each other, aren't they supposed to make it last no matter what the obstacles and difficulties are. it is so absurd for me to understand people who have gone thru a relationship and later ends up breaking up and file for divorce though admitted that both still love each other and that they respectively occupy a special place in the heart. i just don't understand.

now. i don't know what am i looking forward to do anymore. waiting for the next plane home. then what. after all the holiday, i have to be here again with my stressful and unappealing life. lying on my bed and stop thinking but to dwell in the velvety and peaceful moments, alone. the decision to move on is a right one because it is the only one that seems rational and sensible. though, what's left of me is the exhaustion of courage and dignity that i have to put thru in order to survive. i don't want to let myself to be vulnerable, not when i am with people. so, i hold it on, brace it alone. and it's tough.