Second Chapter

'Sometimes life hits you in the head with a brick. Don't lose faith. I'm convinced that the only things that kept me going was that i love what i did. You've got to find what you love. And that is as true for works as it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. and the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you will know when you find it.' yes, i fervently hope that i will really love what i am going to do in future. again, the same doubts haunting. the minute i rise from my slumber and it goes on till i doze off again. sometimes, i go thru my day as just a routine. just for the sake of living, surviving. a life without expectation, without goal, without motive and driving force. it gets weird when i lost myself, stuck in that moment and have to talk to myself to be a better me instead of dragging just another day, for the sake of living, without any significant achievement.

and my resolution of the year is to just get thru this year without much trials and tribulations. of course they are indispensable part of life but is it too much to pray that they're cut off to it's lowest limits because my fragile self is not able to withstand much pressure and misery from it. to make myself feel better, i actually make myself believe that there's balance in each individual. there are always things to compensate for your lost and of course you have to give in to gain. as i always wish that i could have everything laid out perfect for me and grump at the thought and sight that they have what i have been yearning for, i was blinded because that was only a part of the story. i didn't realize what they missed, what they suffered thru, what they lost because God is great and He makes us equal. you cant have everything at once.

First chapter

'You cant connect the dots looking forward; You can only connect them looking backwards. So, you have to trust that the dots are somehow connect to your future. You have to trust in something, your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. Because believing that the dots will connect down the road will give you the confidence to follow your heart even when it leaves you off the well worn path, and that will make all the difference'. after watching the video playing Steve Job giving a speech on a commencement at Stanford a few years ago, he has instantly became my idol. after all, success doesn't come easily for most of the prominent figures in the world. they had gone thru so much of bitter hardships so what am i compare to them? so, i will learn hard to not to try to connect the dots forward and asking blindly where on earth could these had lead me to. it was always dark pitch cuz it will only lighten if i brace thru it and walk thru the path. i should take things positively cuz nobody's God. nobody knows what the future will bring. instead, i believe that when i look backwards in the future, i will get all the answers that i've been questioning myself incessantly. truth is that i am getting really tired of it because it occupied a major part of my mind, life and i am constantly emotionally and physically drained by it.

i haven't been regularly updating my journal. it's just getting monotonous because every time i feel like inscribing something here, it was always of something melancholy. the wonders, the questions, the thoughts, the same old opinions. i have been procrastinate a lot lately. and today, while i was streaming an episode of House on the net, it happens to be related to a patient who writes blog online of her daily journal. well, she has definitely went off the boundaries that i set for myself. she wrote almost every little details of her life, the conversation and so on. well, that's all on her free wills to do that. i just choose to write on important things that came across my mind. my sudden thoughts, opinions and feeling, like my 'First Chapter' at this particular moment. A couple of weeks ago, i was trying to get back home and it turned vain, twice. Twice. what does that indicate? of course i did feel frustrated, angst and i did cry out, in silence. and it was painful. after i cant reach my Mum, i rang Papa instead. that's when the tears came. and we talked a lot that time. i put different parties to be blamed for the sudden change of timetable that ruined my plan. but what difference does it make. the best is to just take it as a lesson and i will not question it anymore. till yesterday, i finally realize that the sudden urge to go back and the incept that i have to go back for the 'extended' weekend is because my father's having his 50th birthday. but at the end, i totally forgot about it. and that's how i connect the dots backwards. for the subtly obscure events that took place. it happened for a reason.

ubiquitous

something definitely turns me on today. ever since i came back from classes, i have been waiting for the call by woon. i didn't get to meet her often during the semester break and i know that there's a lot that we should update each other. well, we could have do chatting every time we go online or skype but those can't compete with the anticipation of getting the free call/s on birthday! it has became a tradition. okay. be matured. duh.

then, i rang my mum and i knew i sound so excited on the phone. i cant explain the excitement that i felt. it's just a birth day after all but whatever. i am really happy! but the conversation is basically about what to expect during the clinical year after i had a long hour chatting with my dear buddy. it seems very fun and challenging because it involves more practical works and we finally get to see real patients and run tests on them. nonetheless, there's definitely more stressful because there's a lot to cover from the theory parts. gah. i hate theory exam!

one of my housemate's sister came over for a sojourn today. i am just too envy of their relationship! they are like sisters/twins/best friends/soul mates/whatever there is that paired and happy and complemented each other! i have so much of regrets in my life and i know that i will never ever be able to forgive myself and let it go no matter how hard i try. i have missed out so much about being a confident teenager, being a bubbly sister and most importantly, a happier self. so, this is me, swallowing my regrets, reminiscing all the good old days. and i can never go back to december all the time. i always wonder if they are aware and alert of how depressed i am and how i am terribly haunted by it every ticking seconds i am awake and aware of that missing pieces.