it's not your fault

finally get myself sick after too much of resting. it is really tormenting. it feels like i am half way to hell yet one of my feet is still stuck on planet Earth. when nights crawl in, it was the worse nightmares ever. every fiber of my being was shivering, in cold. and i was beyond exhausted. waking up feeling like i had been hit by a truck, having to drag my bodies everywhere. and i laid back on the couch watching my series.

then, it was a high time to go for a visit at the most dreaded place on earth ever since i was a kid-the clinic. when i told the ladies at the counter of my number/pass code or whatsoever it is, identification number sounds better i reckon, they were flabbergasted. i know. the last time i was there is like 10 years ago. 2001 as my eyesight is still function-able. i saw that from the patient record card. and if i am not mistaken that was when i got some minor allergic or probably just harmless rashes as the prescription was just Calamine lotion.

and at the end of the day, it was a free of charge consultancy.

the questions have been really hard for me to answer. among the reasons for me to hate holidays is that i would meet up with people and they would be asking the million dollar question which is how's life. How is life. right. so, i would be expecting myself to say life's okay, good sure. i mean, the questioner wouldn't have intended to hear me whining about how i wish there was a second road taken or a detour because sometimes i dont even know if i want to move on, by asking that question. it was just a simple simply phrase question after all. maybe i am the only one who is taking it seriously. but frankly, there's a lot to it.

i wouldn't deny that i still have interest in gaining more knowledge on medicine. the problem is that i don't take the initiation to fully apply it and bear it in mind. it was all just in my short term memory. i am really frustrated at myself sometimes. Well, the doctor i was consulting today was the first one ever asked me if i regret doing medicine, my answer is yes. i would say yes all the time. Would i quit it before i completely my studies, securing a MD, definitely no. i would not quit until the dean kicks me out of his precious faculty.

roll on

i used to have a virtual to-do-list whenever i am jaded with my studies and city-life few weeks before. i tried on the treadmill. it was exceptionally awesome as i start sweating and burning off some fat. i vowed to make it a habit and fit it inside my daily schedule but apparently my laziness gets the better of me. nonetheless, i will 'rescheduled' it. half an hour run before i dig in my brunch. i hope that i can abide to it.

i have renewed my driving license. it's kind of boggle me as it only last for about a year while i am not even close to the steering wheel for months. those months that drag on which feel like years. and i have enough confident that i can now drive okay and can get control of the car but i have to convince others and stop my mum from saying she feels like getting heart attack whenever i am driving. Mum being Mum. exaggerate too much sometimes.

i totally love waking up in the near afternoon without having an alarm, without a vibrating mobile underneath my pillow that shakes me off my dream. what's more grateful is that i don't have to scratch my head thinking of what to eat throughout the day as it's been taken care of. and there's totally a free and escape from my academic stuffs. i don't have to read through the notes, don't have to attend the exam, classes, lectures. it's just wonderful. i don't care if i am not doing anything productive. even if i feel like i need to occupy myself with reading, i will just procrastinate it. it looks as if i enjoy watching more. my dramas and movies are becoming scarce as days gone by. i try to keep an episode or two a day but it's running fast now. what do i do once i have reach the finale? not going to re-watch it for sure.

so i have a month left before i continue a medical student's life. first off, i am glad and thankful that i made it through second year. and it's definitely with no flying color but i couldn't care much. embrace it. then, after another years of conflicts and struggles, where will i be? how would i become? so much of questions. i am still on my journey of discovery.

update

still exhaust from the last visit to the beach. i must have gone old, ragged. since the holiday starts, i have been spending half of the day lying in bed and it surely is a meaningless, idle life but i am loving it. smitten with Vampire Diaries now. somehow, i think it's better than twilight and the trilogies. maybe because it's made into television series instead of 1 and a half hour movie.

a day at the beach surely taught me a lot. looking at the vast blue/greenish sea and it's endless. what is it over there? the end of the world? Japan? Phillipines? nope. they are not in sight. the horizon is intangible and it seems unreachable from where i stand. what really baffle me is that i thought the force of tsunami is unimaginably ferocious. the damage it caused is beyond terrible, leaving horrible nightmares. my condolence to those who lost their home and their loved one.

counting days. i would never ever wanted to go back to my regular life though things have improved now. i would be living in a better, homey place instead of the eerie hostel. my studies could have improved still i aint gong to put much thought of it, just let it be. the sky's the limit. but i dont want to push myself so hard that would bring me to a point where i could lose myself again. then, what's the fun in life? what is the purpose of life?

Avril's Black Star tour has kicked in in China, first stop i reckoned. and i am so damn pissed that the Boleh-land is not included. like What The Hell. it must have interfered with the last visit which brought about the controversial issues. and duh. i hate it 'here' sometimes for issue like this. a country i have learn to love and despise at the same time. maybe, just maybe, i could go to Singapore but i think it's to late now. dont start with When there's a will, there's a way. think my Avril-dream is doomed again just like a couple of years ago. fret not. throughout the years, i realised that my love and passion for her hasnt changed a bit.

completed Safe Haven. i enjoy reading very much. feel like going to the public library and borrow some but what could i expect from the local? duh.