4Real

it's a mixed feeling. i have made it, like finally.

looking at the notice board and scrutinize through the name lists, with the students id number and FULL NAME with it, looking for mine. i wasn't even dare or care much to look at it initially because I don't give a damn, anymore. i jerked forward from my position because my friend had told me, after she looked for it that i scored pretty well. and hell yeah, it was, indeed, A pretty well grade. i finally scored an A- for my module test after going through so much of turmoils, the failures, the trials and tribulations. i have finally managed to prove that i can actually do it. but it's really tough.

it was a Infection and Immunity module. Damn it. So damn much of memorizing stuffs. Why did i score in this module?! i don't know why. i could be just lucky. mere lucky. i couldn't believe it through a little piece of me was still hoping to see a paid-off effort out of the midnight oils.

i think that a lot of things change. i adapt to a different study method. i make myself to recall back everything, like projecting a movie, slide shows in my brain. and i do it constantly. what was i doing previously? i thought i did apply those but how come it doesn't work before but now.

still, it still doesnt change my mind. i keep on thinking that i want a different life. a more carefree life. do you know how stressful and torturing it is to have tests and competing. though i would say that i don't care much about others but more on challenging myself to do more and get the best out of myself, i somehow feel a tad of jealousy and incompetency because if they can do it, i can too.

nonetheless, it does feel good and no good at the same time. thank God. the omnipresent. it's like an invisible, intangible yet i choose to have faith in it that it does exist. like a guidance, a source of protection from an amulet.

hopefully that i can keep it up, the momentum. let's do it step by step.

wish you were here

So now, i have illegally owned Goodbye Lullaby. What is there to be anticipated and look forward to? i love all the songs and each and every of them are so unique and have their own kicking rhythm and melody. i personally like Goodbye the most because it's also very personal and emotional for Avril to fully write and produce it on her own. And the story behind Goodbye is very touching and moving. yes. i Love you so. la la lullaby, help me sleep tonight.

it keeps me ponder if two love each other, why would they eventually go for break up. i mean, if two are in love with each other, aren't they supposed to make it last no matter what the obstacles and difficulties are. it is so absurd for me to understand people who have gone thru a relationship and later ends up breaking up and file for divorce though admitted that both still love each other and that they respectively occupy a special place in the heart. i just don't understand.

now. i don't know what am i looking forward to do anymore. waiting for the next plane home. then what. after all the holiday, i have to be here again with my stressful and unappealing life. lying on my bed and stop thinking but to dwell in the velvety and peaceful moments, alone. the decision to move on is a right one because it is the only one that seems rational and sensible. though, what's left of me is the exhaustion of courage and dignity that i have to put thru in order to survive. i don't want to let myself to be vulnerable, not when i am with people. so, i hold it on, brace it alone. and it's tough.

Goodbye Lullaby

it has been a long while since my last post. well, whenever i feel like blogging, i was always haunted by my past, my emotional, my useless self. i know that more or less the content is about how miserable and lifeless my life is and how i wish i could put things perfectly like i want to. most importantly, i wish that before i felt asleep every night, i could smile to myself, thinking that i have been having a great day and tomorrow will be a better one. instead, the opposite happens. although a great day could be perceived as i have been having good laughs with friends, i have been eating well, no accidents or hurt or injuries or sort, at the end of the day it always lead to the imminent longing for something magical.

what could have run in your mind as you live you day? the minutes, the hours, the day, the night. Family, Future, Friends and Self, perhaps. i really don't know what am i doing with my life since recently. Go for lectures, do a little studies, facebooking, have a good sleep and the next day begins. And one thing that keeps me alive and sensible is the thought that i would be home soon. that's when i wish time passes faster and it already is if you do not pay much attention to it. like today, in a swift, i am about to go to bed after an outing with friends, again for some post birthday celebration thingy and after a nice, contemplative movie, Sanctum. watching movies always make me ponder upon many things. yes. that something magical i wish i have.

life has been tough, seriously. i don't know about others but i am having a tough one. but a grateful and blessed one i would say as what Mum has been telling me all the time to keep me occupied from not diverge into something pessimist and unappealing. when i am smiling and laughing and seem to be happy, i know that the invisible mirror and my faithful shadow always reflect something beyond it, something opposite, something hidden beneath and it will never fade, for a very long time.

so, for the time being, i live for Goodbye Lullaby and for the next journey home. i havent talk to Mummy and Papa for a couple of days cause i don't know, it just feels sad that i can't bear to listen to their voice and how i wish i can hear it not because of the transmission of sound wave or wavelength thru the phone but i hear them within distance. they should be tangible. i miss them. i miss every piece of me before. i miss. i miss my life. and yes. goodbye to the past. my present is my lullaby. the future will bring something magical, hopefully.

Strip Me

STRIP ME
NATASHA BEDDINGFIELD

Everyday I fight for
All my future somethings
A thousand little wars
I have to choose between
I could spend a lifetime
Earning things that I don't need
But, that's like chasing rainbows
And coming home empty

And if you strip me
Strip it all away
If you strip me
What would you find
If you strip me
Strip it all away
Ill be alright

Take what you want
Steal my pride
Build me up
Or cut me down to size
Shut me out
But I'll just scream
Im only one voice in a million
But you aint taking that from me
You ain't takin that from me

I dont need a microphone
To say what I been thinking
My heart is like a loudspeaker
Thats always on eleven

And if you strip me
Strip it all away
If you strip me
What would you find
If you strip me
Strip it all away
I'm still the same

Take what you want
Steal my pride
Build me up
Or cut me down to size
Shut me out
But I'll just scream
Im only one voice in a million
But you aint taking that from me
You ain't takin that from me

Cos when it all boils down
At the end of the day
Its what you do and say
That makes you who you are
Makes you think about
Think about it
Doesn't it
Sometimes all it takes is one voice

Take what you want
Steal my pride
Build me up
Or cut me down to size
Shut me out
But I'll just scream
Im only one voice in a million
But you aint taking that from me
You ain't takin that from me

relative time?

here i am, once again. for the umpteenth time, trying to convince myself that i am okay, life goes on, and i could only wait till another day for reunion and to be with my loved one (and leave this part of me, the mundane, sickening life here!) but deep down inside, only God know how reluctant i am, how furious i am with everything. truth is, i am still doubting.

many times, i woke up from my deep slumber and the next thing i thought to myself is that, gee, i am still alive and my life goes on, as usual. many times, before i went to sleep, i tend to wonder whether it is going to be a long long deep sleep or the next second i open my eyes, things change and i have a different kind of life to live. like magical. like a movie. if only i am the director.

so, i am still going to continue dreading my life as an indifferent medical student. i have gone through my greatest breakdown a couple of weeks back and looking back, it really startled me of why i am so intense and aggressive that particular time. and i feel as if a little part of me still feel that way, which is no good. i thought i have already make u my mind. yes true. but still, i am still hoping that one day someone offers me a different kind of life and with guarantee that i am going to be happy.

now, i am here alone, broken, abandon. no. this is life. somehow, i have to leave home and be independent. i don't even know what i want with my life anymore.

among the things that i have to bear in mind or rather the lessons that i learnt throughout the short break is that happy or not, my life has to move on. i have to know how to let go and that nothing is permanent. (true love is i suppose!) i miss my family so much now. the pain i have to bear, bidding farewell. i don't want to grow up now. remember when we were young and always thought to ourselves how we wish we could grow old faster and see what's outside there? now, i am torn between going back to the past or traveling to the future. i really need to stop the time.

can't even love my life now i can only say i am contented and grateful for what i have.