HO-SHIT

my last entry was on 11th of April, 2014! that's almost two years back and look at where i am now

1 finally graduated from medical school
2 happily working at hospital near my hometown which has always been my very first choice

my previous blog entries were mostly about my endless ranting on how i hated the life that i have committed myself into. i always know that im not good enough, not motivated enough, no ambition, no goals whatsoever. medical school was difficult and a struggle for me. the people i met in medical school helped me see how the society functions and what the real world and real shit is about, thats where i start keeping a good distance from people and i have serious trust issue.

i am grateful that i made it thru medical school and graduated with a not-so-bad achievement and now already 8 months into housemanshit!


first step is always the hardest!
i was struggling too through my first posting in medical. you're in new environment and you're now a working adult! and people expect fresh graduates to apply their knowledge, to function as a junior trainee doctor, to make yourself useful instead of a space occupying lesion. i am grateful to have met seniors who are always helpful and willing to help noob and dumb new house officers like me. i am grateful to have friends who tag along and made my life not so stressful and lonely. we can talk about stress and work and our expectation in life. glad that one of my friend met her soulmate and going into marriage soon.

work starts to get fun. if only im not oncall. i would be so grumpy and just blow up whenever im oncall and having to clean others' shit and putting more workload on the oncall people. and it pisses me off more if i have to negotiate and work with people who have no sense of urgency and responsibility and inefficient. i just hope to get things done fast and get to bed and get some nap before the phone rings and having to attend patients. regardless, im fine during the normal working day albeit stressful and ashamed of myself if i couldnt answer questions or have any knowledge during morning, afternoon rounds. disappointing my bosses and myself. but i never take the initiatives to improve myself, to study harder. it can be so busy in the ward and exhausting and i want to spend my time at home relaxing, chilling but maybe that need to change soon. study. study. study.

enoug ranting of the day. i should get back to study. see you soon.

you dont miss

i really dont know where do i start. my mind is a mess now because i have too much time to spend and i dont know how to use them wisely. please dont ask me to go and do my study and revision for exam because that is the wisest thing to do at such critical point of my life. i am taking professional exams the very next year.

i am still a very lost soul.

all i know now since i have the time in the world is i would love to improvise myself. having said that means i needa get my revision starts now basically because i know that i dont know a lot. i want to fill up my time doing things that i love and can actually learn and grow from making a better person. i just want to be a better me.

i have this saying that lingers in my mind too long i couldnt get rid of it. "if you dont know, you dont miss". quoted by the smart, eloquent Turkish tourguide that i met during my last visit to Turkey. he was explaining about the new generations that grows in par with the advancement of technology and cybernet that this generation demands and yearns for  a change in their lives. you see, turkey is a really beautiful country and it has long history because of its strategically located geography. within Turkey itself is divided into the europe and asian part. and there's central anatolia, the part with a more conservative Turkish. so the young generations, they kind of dont want to live in such environment anymore because the see a lot of what the outside world could serve and provide for them. a transition and reformation, idk. the main point is, when you know more, when you see more of the outside world, you want more. 

and I KNOW AND I WANT.

you can be anything but not ungrateful. i am a total sucker for such inspiring quote like this and stay true to it if possible.

i am grateful but i know that i want more. there's a lot that i want with my life and there's a lot that i wish for a change but i know that at the end of the day, life goes on. i just have to move on adn go with the flow. so im just going to do whatever i can now to finish what i start and along the way i hoope that i can pick up new skill and passion and interest. :)

 

 

long journey

my last post was in July 2013.

for the past 6 months, i dont even know where to begin to start. August, September. cant remember much of what are the significant events that took place there but October, ive had my 22nd birthday albeit it was just another ordinary day for me no hoo-haa celebration and fancy cakes or anything just the way i like it. i really dont like people celebrating birthday for me because it feels like i need to do something in return to repay, in a way. i rather not receive gifts or any form of appreciation or kindness so that i dont have to repay. know what i mean? but i think my family and i went for simple dinner because i had one weeks break. so yes birthday. not sure why but as i grow, i really dont like the idea of celebrating birthday at all.

and then came December. i went for a Student Exchange Program comes Holidays in Japan for two weeks. i cant express how thankful and blessed i am to be given that opportunity because there are quite a number of more eligible people who applied and went thru interviews and i, me a mediocre gets it. i must have infuriate the A-list students. deep down my heart i know that they deserve it more than me. nonetheless, i spent my waking hours feeling thankful and thank God for making it possible for me. besides, it also serves as a way i make peace with my past. it makes me believe that i am not just about the unluckiest person on earth, that i am also capable of something, that i am not unworthy. overall the experiences in Japan makes me want to do more with my life and i know that i want something different in my life but i cant figure it out yet.

then i guess i spent my january reminiscing the great moments i have in japan. i spent my new year thinking about how i detest doing what i am doing and very well know that i dont want to spend the rest of my life as a medical slave. i know that doctor is a noble profession. but it's just not my thing. i want to spend the rest of my life waking up doing something i am passionate about that i cant wait for the sun to rise to get up and do my thing. things that i do best and i want to do. being in japan makes me feel that this world does open a lot of opportunities to people who have desires, who have passion, who wants success. the job opportunities are everywhere. i mean it really awe-struck me that most of the medical students have part time job and they are actually encouraged by their lecturers to venture into the real-working-social-networking world.

there are still a lot i can say about the japan-visit. i taught me a lot and it changed me. i admit that ive changed quite a lot. i think i am more brave and more motivated in some ways to express myself and i am no longer hidden under the depressing insecure mask that ive been carrying with me since ages. ive gained the confidences i need and i want to become a better person and i thrist for success. it often irritates me to get comment from friends saying ive changed. i dont know why but it feels like the way they say it was a bad thing.a disease. truth is, i think the changes i make or the changes that they notice in me are the way i want to improvise myself.

i want to make as many friends possible. i want knowledge. i want to feed my curiosity. i want to do a lot of things. i want funny. i want passion. i want to be ambitious. i am ambitious. i want to find my thing. and i am still on this long journey there so i really wish myself success. i just want to make peace with myself and God and life.

because i know that although i am contented with my life now, i want it different.  

The fault in our stars

 THE FAULT IN OUR STARS. I am so glad that I found this book.

It is a good way to finally sum up my absence in this blogosphere since the very last post. There has been few occasions where my thoughts n words just run wild in my head and I definitely feel the urge to blog about it but something, something has deterred me from doing so. But I guess now its high time for me to reflect on it.

I've always enjoy good book. There r so many high intelligence process going on during the process of reading. U r allowed to have u very own rights n creativity in expanding ur imagination, feeling, emotion n whatnot. The characters , so much to reflect. And u fall in love n feel connected someway. They mirror u n they r like a part of u. They becomes ur friends. I know it's fiction but fiction is limitless n invincible.

I've always wondered about life. And currently doing Psychiatry posting, seeing people with mental illnesses n the suffering they have to endure n battle thru. It's not only their war but the family n love ones r involved too. Everyone has their own story to tell. I, as a medical student, just sat there mutely listening n understanding their scomplaints and often hit by waves by sympathy and empathy towards them. And the what? Who r going to ease all these excruciating pain n suffering? Karma is the only answer. karma is the only excuses for me to cope with these. "Maybe they have committed bad things n now is the punishment" it's a selfish n immature thought I admit. But then what, I am no God, no Saint, no Messenger.

And these stories make me reflect on my life. Many times, I am really grateful and thankful for the life I have. So, I want to do more good. Genuinely and passionately. Kind and patient. I secretly wish that I can n will be a billionaire n need not worry about the rolling of money or career or whatnot n go out and help these people. Because it does feel good helping people! 

And I wanttoenjoy life while I can. Life's too short gotta live it long! I want to do what I like, what makes me happy. I want to fall in love! I want to have that incredible passion for life! Like waking up everyday, with a purpose. I want to make a change in my life. I want to take challenges n kind of likeoccupy myself with things so that its not all about Medicine n just passing exams n get a medical degree. I'm still looking for That something that I am born for.

So, the fault in our stars. Poignantly beautiful. I wish I can find that true love too. :)

This is the very first fiction that unexpectedly activated my nasolacrimal gland and had my warm tears welled up and were too stubborn to flow down. I did t feel it coming. Normally, for such heartbreaking-yet-another-teenage-love-story which ends tragically only left me felt waves of tingling sensation crawling upon the limbs but JohnGreen just put that Motherly element in it that I couldn't help to suppress the emotion. He is just that good. A genius at words. I'm in love.

My Person has got to have that element of humor, wit and sensitive! A literature guy please. 

#50shadesoffuckedup

found this in Draft so...

i have finally finished reading Fifty Shades trilogy, with a heavy heart.

it's like when someone asks you to not think about an Elephant, what do u do? hah. of course u think about an Elephant. provided u have seen one before(Inception). so, when i first read about the various responses and critics towards E.L. James latest success, and the movie adaptation is taking shape soon, i knew that i have to get myself in the fuss. and what a great satisfaction and gratitude it s. i totally get it now. i cant even put it down, very page turning and even after i put it down, taking the very necessary breaks, it still lingers in my mind. and fcuk. even after days, i still think about it, a hell lot.

nonetheless, for myself, it isn't about the astoundingly erotic love making visuals and writing that keeps my head busy. i just really appreciate how the love story was written and the emotional values it brings about and yes okay maybe a little bit of the sexual thingy. but really, it redefines what i "probably" seek for if i am blessed with meeting one true love. i mean, if Love is that happy, carefree, emotional, caring and all the other good things it bring out in two persons, i totally want to fall in love. truth is, where the hell does Love going to strike upon me?     

of course, Christian Grey is just a fantasy; A perfect man, beautiful, handsome, wealthy, intelligent, protective and all those values and qualities that seem to only exist in fiction. fiction that blinded us avid reader. but there's nothing wrong with hoping and dreaming right?

some think that the stories is sick, very uncivilized, shames and the list goes on. well, there's going to be a part of people who love it while there are a portion who don't. it's like Justin Bieber, he has a huge amount of fans but he also has a shit lot more people who hate him. same goes to the World Leaders, or King of Pop, movies, food you know just things basically. can't expect every living person in the whole wide world to love it. except money and other luxurious of course. truth is, there's always two sides of things.  or three. the neutral, i dont give a damn kind.

flaw

i have been having fluctuating mood swing recently. this is not about academic. i felt emotionally disturbed and upset for so many things that hit me at once. it's more of the haunted past that now seem to surface again albeit i have already look over the matter and move on. it's coming back to me now. new theory postulated : i am never ever going to look pass this because the only way is to solve it, confrontation and improvise whatever that is left broken. actions speak louder. it always has. maybe i am wrong about letting things flow on it own but i lost in the track of fast pacing time.

true. i live everyday with that tad of remorse and unexplainable grief for what and who i am today. i could be happier. nonetheless, as i am jotting this down, every fibers of my being feel about to burst into shattering pieces for that accumulative pressure and depression. it is undeniably a worsening and worrisome psychological disorder.

i will never understand how could everybody just let it happened and it has been dragged for years now which seem like eternity. i dont want to give up but already lost hope and faith. this could have been Karma. i am inflicting This on myself. i am angry, sad, disappointed and beyond anguish but who am i to blame? just somebody that i used to know.

so i was thinking that all Parents have always believe in the good of their children. Take the case of Amanda Knox for example. they love their child so much that for whatever mistakes and wrongs the child do, they will forgive them. because loving them is easy. loving them is right. 

i might have a few opinions on right and wrong but i am not a Mother or know what's it like to have a child of blood of my own. i also want to believe in the good of people and always look at their good side no mater how bad the situation seems to be. however, even though i adore my parents and proud of them as well as thankful, grateful and love them for bringing me up and pretty much a modest parenting skill, i disagree with them in a few matters. i dont know if they choose to turn a blind eye or pamper their child so much that they never seem to see anything wrong. or maybe, their perception is difference with what i see. it could also be a hidden agenda. a lack of communication. this would even prove that their parenting skill is indeed flawed somewhere. however, i disagree with putting the parents solely on the blame. the child plays a big role too. i mean, as an adult, should be able to think ahead, to visualize the bigger picture instead of indulging in that brief moment of pleasure no? 

so i pretty much is a bit furious at my dad and mum. i think our communication is a huge weak point. i am not sure how i can i live days without calling. not even saying a hi or anything for that brief 15 seconds? or do they even care about me at all? What was on their minds? "Surrounded by bunch of people who love me unconditionally but i still feel exceptionally lonely in this estranged world". so, i am not even allowed to fall in love nor do i intend to. i cant even love my family the right way. 

okayyy. when i look back this post in the hear future. i wont probably remember what this is all about. too subtle.

revitalizing what's been forgotten

holy shyt. okay. i think i really start to love swearing. no, not really. i dont normally spit it out in public or any conversations but i know that my subconcious love that to bit. it's just not my culture but profanity is pretty much mainstream nowadays. it's like IT's the the only right thing to say at the right time, right situation, right occasion. and yes, in social media i can freely type as i wish and literally speak my mind. so yeah. holy shyt...i havent blog for 4 freaking months.

it's either my life has been really 'good', boringly routine, or my creative writing cells have succumbed to necrosis. or i am just on my energy saving mode. but, i am back again today and 4 months have definitely been a long journey. digging thru the past-4-months file in my rusty mind, i know that there were certain things worth blogging about. take for example, 1. how i deal with my final exam 2. bangkok trip 3. people generally

i should really bare in mind to blog more frequent not to leave it to isolation because i really love writing. and frankly, i am now really inspired with my recent reading. i am on semester break and there's plenty of time so ive decided to indulge in reading. i have been intrigued with one of the most talk-about topics since i couldn't really remember when but on my recent visit to the bookstore, surprisingly saw it on the best seller shelves. did they even allow it in boleh-land? and a few days after, i know instantly that i have to really get myself in the circle of the most hyped thing in town right now after the ridiculous success of Twilight Trilogy then The Hunger Games Trilogy. it's really a guilty pleasure for me and the series are deemed a taboo, so after one and a half way thru it, i am pretty much a Fifty Shades of fucked up myself.

the academics and scientists and whatsoever professors always reckon Fiction as a waste of time. they are more dwell in their non-fiction lengthy facts and philosophy publication. i have never picked a book from the self-management, economics, or any other self-help kit section that most readers find to have found a new insight to it. and apparently, great new knowledge. exception to The Secret and Men Are From Mars and Women Are From Venus and the Tuesday with Morris thing. i itch to read them, maybe someday if i get free sample.

so, what i am trying to depict is that i rather read some fantasy, creative imagination and intriguingly beautiful writing than reading something that would take up more than half of my learning ability to rationalize and arguing with the points in the non-fiction books. i am not intelligent or patience. i rather have myself sinking, and giggling into the non-existence world.

but, i think it's not the high time yet to spill my thoughts on my recent readings. i havent finish the trilogy yet. i know that i can finish it in days but trust me, u have to take a break in between or else i am really going to suffocate to death from the too exaggerated excitement. my mind was running wild. really wild. furthermore, i dont want the reading to end so fast. i couldnt bear to think about ending it say by this month then i would left hanging in my imagination. but in between resting time, i decided to revitalize this abandon blog and brushing up my writing skills albeit finding myself struggling hard finding the right verbs, adjectives and whatnot. i should have start reading at younger age. like read just anything, everything but not to be picky. there's an entire Classical collections that i want to get my head in so much so that i am in that 'circle' of bookclub but no. the language and writings are too much for me to digest. on the sidenote, i havent find the right inspiration and cause to do so, so no, not now.

one negative thing about reading Fictions is probably you find yourself hard to cope with reality. like you want to be the character in the books so much. you want to meet those characters. the characters who are way too cool, and unbelievably awesome. everything in the books is perfect. but when you have to pull away from that cloud of graphic and coaxing your soul back to planet Earth, it instantly eats u from inside out. still, the best thing afterwards is hoping. and keep on dreaming. and never forget to fight for it. and one day i wish i can say to myself that my wish/dream comes true. :)