flaw

i have been having fluctuating mood swing recently. this is not about academic. i felt emotionally disturbed and upset for so many things that hit me at once. it's more of the haunted past that now seem to surface again albeit i have already look over the matter and move on. it's coming back to me now. new theory postulated : i am never ever going to look pass this because the only way is to solve it, confrontation and improvise whatever that is left broken. actions speak louder. it always has. maybe i am wrong about letting things flow on it own but i lost in the track of fast pacing time.

true. i live everyday with that tad of remorse and unexplainable grief for what and who i am today. i could be happier. nonetheless, as i am jotting this down, every fibers of my being feel about to burst into shattering pieces for that accumulative pressure and depression. it is undeniably a worsening and worrisome psychological disorder.

i will never understand how could everybody just let it happened and it has been dragged for years now which seem like eternity. i dont want to give up but already lost hope and faith. this could have been Karma. i am inflicting This on myself. i am angry, sad, disappointed and beyond anguish but who am i to blame? just somebody that i used to know.

so i was thinking that all Parents have always believe in the good of their children. Take the case of Amanda Knox for example. they love their child so much that for whatever mistakes and wrongs the child do, they will forgive them. because loving them is easy. loving them is right. 

i might have a few opinions on right and wrong but i am not a Mother or know what's it like to have a child of blood of my own. i also want to believe in the good of people and always look at their good side no mater how bad the situation seems to be. however, even though i adore my parents and proud of them as well as thankful, grateful and love them for bringing me up and pretty much a modest parenting skill, i disagree with them in a few matters. i dont know if they choose to turn a blind eye or pamper their child so much that they never seem to see anything wrong. or maybe, their perception is difference with what i see. it could also be a hidden agenda. a lack of communication. this would even prove that their parenting skill is indeed flawed somewhere. however, i disagree with putting the parents solely on the blame. the child plays a big role too. i mean, as an adult, should be able to think ahead, to visualize the bigger picture instead of indulging in that brief moment of pleasure no? 

so i pretty much is a bit furious at my dad and mum. i think our communication is a huge weak point. i am not sure how i can i live days without calling. not even saying a hi or anything for that brief 15 seconds? or do they even care about me at all? What was on their minds? "Surrounded by bunch of people who love me unconditionally but i still feel exceptionally lonely in this estranged world". so, i am not even allowed to fall in love nor do i intend to. i cant even love my family the right way. 

okayyy. when i look back this post in the hear future. i wont probably remember what this is all about. too subtle.